Are You a Perfectionist?

I am so NOT a perfectionist.
It's lovely. My home is lived in, toys are played with, books are read. Things often don't get put away right. I actually think it bothers my husband a tad that the house isn't perfect, but that's not happening any time soon.
If I wanted perfect friends I would have no friends. People aren't perfect.
If I was always striving to be the perfect mother it would be exhausting on me AND my children. Can you imagine trying to live up to that? no thanks.
If I expected perfection out of myself I would be a big crying puddle of mess. It's too much to expect that! As we have already discussed, people aren't perfect. That includes me.

I have always been a perfectionist. Because of my need for things to be perfect I have a hard time finishing anything. I stress so much about things like packing a suitcase or cleaning the house. So then I procrastinate. Then I stress more. Then I drive everyone crazy. It's awesome. One of my kids is the same way. Hooray!

And yes, I am a control freak. I will send my husband and kids to change their clothes if they don't match.

ETA: I can't speak for everyone, but I certainly don't want to be this way. I try not to be.

I think the real term for perfectionist is CONTROL FREAK.... I can say this because for years I was a control freak.... Oh I chalked it up to just wanting things "right" and thought of it as a sign that I cared oh so much... but really... deep down it was about me trying to control everything... I didn't even realize how controlling or really how much lack of control I had until I entered into Alanon.... prior to the program, some of my attempts at control might include having a dinner party and everything having to be just perfect from matching place-settings to place cards for my guests.... Additionally, I always had to get the "right" gift for someone, even if it meant over-spending (another bad habit of mine) ... As far as my friendships went, it probably impacted them by making me seem overbearing at the times.. Although I really was somewhat clueless to my behavior, I am sure it was probably tough to be around me at times.. In terms of my marriage, I liked to make sure my husband wore just the right clothes and when my son was first born, oh boy did every stitch of clothing have to be the cutest... only the best for my son :) ...
Now, having attended Alanon.. It's been really great to let go and let things play out as they may.. It's refreshing to know that I really don't have much control over anything and am only responsible for my own behavior and in fact cannot control others.. Additionally, not being a perfectionist (aka control freak) has really allowed me to lighten up..... :) no longer do all my dishes have to match at Christmas... no longer do I care where my guests sit, let alone if someone cancels (which used to be a big let down for me) now... I say ok... we ll miss you.. see you next time..Oh and now with my son being older and having his own sense of style, I have definitely had to learn to let go......this includes my husband who also likes to wear what he likes to wear... and most of the time, I really don't care what it is..
being a perfectionist was a lot of hard work and often with little payoff.. truth is I am not perfect.. but I am perfectly me.. so for now, that's good enough... When I stopped trying to control every aspect of my life is when I really started to live in the present moment.. being a perfectionist meant trying to control the past, present and the future..... I now have empathy for anyone who was around me when I was at my worst.. I really must have been quite annoying..

i'll be reading the answers with interest, but i'm pretty much at the opposite end of the spectrum. i wouldn't call my dh a perfectionist either, but he's far more organized and meticulous than i. we're good for each other- he prevents me from descending into a feral state, and i prevent him from getting so detail-oriented that he loses sight of the breathtaking big picture.
:) khairete
S.

Yes, a little, but I'm getting over it. It's not good for a marriage, because it usually causes you to micromanage your partner.

How it impacts me is that it stresses me out and causes unnecessary anxiety. The older I get, and the less time I realize I have left in life, I am much more able to dispense with perfection. Most of this stuff we obsess over doesn't matter in the long run.

But it did feel really good to clean the impacted lint out of my dryer today. :)

Wonderful response from A.L.

Nahhh I just refuse to make mistakes! At least in my mind if you make allowances for mistakes then humanity kicks in and you fall short of that goal you have failed.

If I don't reach this goal it doesn't bother me at all because my intent was only to set the goal so high I couldn't fail, no way any human can achieve it, ya know?

I am ADHD, I have a job where I am in charge of myself. No one asks, inquires, prods or anything as it relates to my work. I know when it is expected and it must be done. If I do not set unreasonable expectations I would be unemployed. I have worked there 10 years and never had anything turned in late, even things where the work product I needed to do my job was late.

There are things that must be done well, there are others that do not. For as much as I am wound tight as a clock with the things that must be done right I am so laid back one might think I am dead in others.

Balance. I work hard and relax just as hard.

I think A L is right about control freak. I control myself but I accept I have no control over others. That is the balance.

Ya know, looking at some of the answers it comes to me, if someone gets bent out of shape because of how others are messing up their perfection. If people find you annoying because of this. If it effects your family. You aren't a perfectionist, you are a control freak.

We actually have a control freak who calls herself a perfectionist in the office. She would rage on people because they couldn't abide by her unreasonable time lines. When called out for her unprofessional behavior she claimed it wasn't her fault she was a perfectionist. This is how inefficient control freakism is, I now do 50% of her work and it did not add to my hours. That is how much unneeded drama, everyone has let me down, blah blah blah she does and I had to clean up all her reports anyway because they were riddled with errors.

I am probably what most mean when they say a perfectionist because it is a truly internal, to the person only term. I just quietly run in the background producing work product and asking for data without much fuss. Everyone at work loves me because it is just one less thing they have to worry about, I am like the clock always on time, don't expect much from others.

My husband is a perfectionist and it's quite honestly ruining our marriage. I have days where I just can't stand it any more. Nothing is ever good enough. No one is ever allowed to rest or relax when he is home. He works constantly and work takes a constant priority in all that we do. Recently our daughter was acting like a pill towards him and he gets so upset that she didn't do exactly as he told her (to close a garage door while she was waiting for me and her brother to come inside) that he took her phone away. Then he went to work and gave her an old replacement but didn't say anything. When he came home the following day from work I asked her to apologize for snippy attitude, to extend an olive branch so to speak, because to me it's not about being right, it's about getting along, and having a happy home, and he wouldn't accept the frigign' apology. Said it wasn't sincere.....aka....nothing is ever good enough perfectionists attitude...

So you caught me on a bad day of dealing with his mentality that the family has to act and behave and achieve certain things in order to receive his love....sorry it's bad today. I worry how it will negatively affect our kids long term. I am constantly battling his perfectionism and countering the negative way it comes across.

Hope that provides some perspective from the non-perfectionist side....we hate it. We always will. It feel like I married the woman who wants to change everything. No matter what I'm doing, like taking the dog for a pee or picking up the stupid mail, there is always a better way to do it and he has to impart this knowledge like we care...and then I have to remind myself, well, at least he doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink, doesn't cheat, is a great provider, etc...and somehow those qualities are supposed to make up for the control...I sometimes don't think I'll last much longer and might prefer living alone.

No, as Churchill said, "Perfection is the enemy of progress". I don't have the time or mental stamina to make things perfect. Life will run me over if I don't keep marching ahead!

Wow, I think AL nailed it. Not so long ago I think I fell into the 'control freak' category...I believe a lot of it was deeply seated in anxiety. I grew up with a parent who demanded perfection-- or else. I just mention this because for many, I think, 'control freak' can be fallout from other situations earlier in life.

Fortunately, while the anxiety has been controlled, I haven't lost the positive parts of holding myself to a higher standard. Being a SAHM means that the buck stops with me and I do have to drive myself a bit to get all the things done which need doing, but I feel good at the end of the day. I've also grown up over the years and realize that I am not responsible for every other person's feelings or actions-- and that it's okay. When you grow up thinking that YOU are the reason everyone's unhappy and that it's all your fault (even when it so obviously wasn't), you tend to want to control situations and others to ensure outcomes which don't come back as blame on yourself, if that makes sense. So, while I have overcome some of those tendencies in myself, I also feel like I have a more objective understanding around the fears which might cause others to try and be controlling as well. For some loved ones, that translates to understanding and empathy-- for people I don't know as well, I can say "well, that's about them, because I've been there..." and hopefully encourage them to let go a little bit too. Or not internalize their upset if things don't go as 'they' planned. :)

No - far from perfection!

I strive for my personal best, but that's not perfection :)

I always think of my friends who say they're perfectionists as very high strung and easily flip out if things aren't done *their* way. They admit this. It has to be their way (exactly) or else. I remember watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 years ago, and they remind me of Kate. If her kids' shoes didn't match, she'd have a melt down.

I always think people who require that much perfection (or things done according to exactly what they need) are not very flexible and tend to be anxious. I like what A.L said below about need for control. I agree. The friends I know who are perfectionists are really hard to be around if they feel things are out of control. It's like they can't function. They'll shoosh everyone out of the kitchen and cut the green beans exactly as they should be (feel bad for the husbands) and then they are ok again.

I am the opposite of this. My husband is much more into things being a certain way.

I can be very meticulous and precise (at work for example) but there's a point to it. Just to be that way about day to day stuff, no.

NOPE!!!

Nothing in life is perfect, accept that fact and things wild get easier.

I'm a wedding officiant, I always tell everyone at the rehearsal not to expect perfection because nothing and no one is perfect. I had one wedding start over an hour late because the bride was having 'issues'. I have dropped the groom's ring twice, once on a hardwood floor so it went clankety clanketly across the floor. I picked it up apologized, we laughed and moved on. I have also had a two little bridesmaids almost refuse to walk down the aisle.
I used to be a people pleaser. I used to worry about what people thought of me. No longer. My Mom was a great critic I couldn't please her no matter what I did and I thought for many years I was defective, then I started to see myself through the eyes of my friends and realized my Mom was wrong and I am a wonderful person.

So in closing ~~~ REMEMBER YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON ~~ PERFECTION NOT REQUIRED OR EXPECTED!!!!

Most people that have any OCD or OCPD traits can have a very nice orderly home. But it consumes them. If one thing is out of place they can actually shut down and not be able to function. Then everything gets out of place and they can't focus and there isn't any organization to anything and they shut down. To where they look like a hoarder and they avoid areas and things in their life because it reminds them how much out of control their environment is.

One thing that I've seen is when people like this go outside of their home they can find themselves being over controlling and a demanding perfectionist at work, with friends, with filing or where their items in their space are, every little bit of control they can get they scrape it out and cling to it. It's the only space or situation they can fill that need with.

I'm not a perfectionist, but there are times when I want it done my way and no other way is right. Typically that's when my way is the only way something fits or works. When you can't close the cupboard door because the dishes were put in wrong by someone else then I get annoyed. Sometimes I am willing to let it go if the cupboard does close, even if they are in there wrong. I like having things where they belong so I can find them because I hate wasting time searching for something that I shouldn't have to be searching for.
I will have moments where I find myself wanting to be but I am quickly reminded that most of it just isn't important. No one's dying from it being imperfect, no one's getting sick from it being imperfect so I'll take close enough.

i have those tendencies and i'm aware of how i can so easily slide down that slippery slope. my solution? i pick one area of my life to indulge my perfectionistic/OCD tendencies and making no apologies allow myself to engage in every element of it. what area you ask??? laundry.....i practically fold my sheets with a Tsquare. One exception to that?? i don't iron. to each their own as long as it's not interfering with any other areas of your life. :-)

I used to be but then life happened. Wish I could get there again actually, because I'm an organizational nut by nature but now a sloppy one. It made my husband crazy and with small kids, I let it go. I was becoming a big nag.

Oh my lord no. I NEED to purchase some perfectionist traits somewhere. I'm a little too laid back. I mean I have my areas that I focus on with seriousness, like child-rearing, health, and my paintings. But even those areas have lots of gray area. Like I'm meticulous with discipline and education, but keeping things orderly with kids? NOPE! Spontaneous, messy, fun and unpredictable is the name of the game. I'll zone in on some rules that are important to me, but then I'm most concerned with people finding their own way and feeling comfortable so I don't demand people do things my way unless there's a dire reason. "You must keep shower curtain open after shower because it will mold if it's bunched up (cuz it's really happened)" but not, "You must organize things the way I would because I simply prefer it". I'll work on a painting to the last detail and never be happy with it...but I'll let lots of other stuff slide and my studio is a mess. So anyway. I sort of admire people who can keep on top of being perfect in everything, but it makes me tired even thinking about how disappointed they must be in the rest of us :) My dad is a perfectionist and I can't be around him for long. He's so frustrated with every little detail of things and I'm like, "Woah, CHILL OUT" and his last nerves are wrecked when my three ring circus is in his spotless house moving stuff around and making noises and not planning everything to the last minute months in advance.. AGGGH I can't handle the precision, logic, and properness he commands...don't know how I survived my childhood at times actually..

I worked for myself for many years, and I would NEVER miss a deadline or pay people late or other ethically imperative things, And my finished product had to be perfect (fashion designs down to the production pattern and proper fabrics..) but in general the means to the end was loosey goosey and always changing and I was very tolerant of mistakes in others. Mostly if OTHER people were involved for being on time to meet them or deliveries etc, I'm more conscientious for their sake. I don't like to let people down or inconvenience them. But for me? Meh. Laid back.

I may be a little bit around my house, I can't stand clutter and want everything to be organized and neat. My husband will think the house is perfectly fine when I think it's a disaster. If there was one thing I would change about myself, it would be to be able to relax about my house. It's funny because I was not like that at all as a child, my room was always a mess and I didn't care. Once I bought my own house and car, I've kept both super clean and neat. I cleaned my house like a sport when I was home full time. I think people think it's strange when they get in my car it's so clean...I own one of those dry vac cleaners, it takes me 5 min. to clean my whole car and hose down the mats. lol.

I kind of used to be and didn't really realize it and it almost ruined my marriage. I always had lists of things to do.....trying to stay on top of every little thing and then some - do it all, you know. It kept me from relaxing and enjoying life. It also kept me from enjoying time and sex with my husband - it wasn't on the list.......So, after a huge melt down and near divorce, I totally look at life differently now.