Are These Behaviors Typical for 8 Year Old Girl or Should I Worry?

She sounds like she is over sensitive to touch and I suggest you get the book The Out of Sync Child. The hair brushing, cutting, the clothes may actually be very uncomfortable/painful for her.

This sounds fairly typical. However, your involvement may be intensifying her need to be independent. And it sounds like you may be a bit critical of things that really don't matter. Let her do her own hair without comment from you. Let her change her clothes until she finds the "right" outfit. Work on reducing your own anxiety about it. The more you're concerned or care the more she's going to do it to prove that she's independent.

If you're not reacting, there is no drama. Stay out of the room when she's working on her hair or clothing. Tell her what time she's to be ready and enforce the time and not what she does to meet that deadline.

I agree that it's important to tell her to do something and then not listen or argue with her about it. If she's to clean her room, leave her to do the job. However, keep in mind that at 8 her idea of a clean room and yours are going to be vastly different. Ahead of time talk with her and the two of you together decide what constitutes a clean room. Then write the criteria down. She'll be better able to comply if she's had a part in deciding what clean is.

Perhaps you're looking too closely at what she does. You've noted that she writes in a messy way. That really isn't important enough to consider. A vast majority of 8 yo's are messy writers. If the teacher isn't concerned the parent doesn't need to be either.

Focus on everything that she does that is good/right. Give her lots of praise. Some say we should praise a dozen times for every criticism, constructive or otherwise.

Consider her likes and dislikes when planning meals. Try to include one food that she likes along with 2-3 that she's not so fond of. Expect her to have a bit of each dish but don't insist that she eat a full serving of everything. If you insist that she eat certain foods you may be creating an eating disorder. Expose her to a variety of foods. Limit snacks. She'll eat when she's hungry.

Most girls this age easily get their feelings hurt. Sympathize with her. Ask her if she wants suggestions before giving any. Mostly just listen in an understanding way. Reassure her that this has happened before and will change again; that you know it hurts; you trust that she'll work it out, etc.

Just this Friday, one of the fathers and I were talking about a play date and how difficult it was to get the girls together. I commented that they were enemies one week and best friends the next and it was hard to keep up and make plans. We laughed knowing this is true. It's so serious for these young ones who've not benefited from repeated experiences. They're just learning how to get along with each other. The best gift we can give them is reassurance that they are OK.

I also do not believe that spanking is the answer. Neither is grounding. I'm a strong believer in natural consequences. If what the child is doing, such as fussing over their hair and clothes, is not dangerous let them do it. If dirty clothes are not picked up, they don't get washed. If toys don't get put away by the child, they get put away by the parent for a specific period of time. I also believe that a child's bedroom is their sanctuary and they don't have to keep it in the same condition as the rest of the house. We can always close the door. Let the child learn what is most comfortable for them as far as neatness is concerned. Insisting that they keep it to the parent's standards is a set up for rebellion.

I highly recommend the book, Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and ........ They have a web site too.

An aside: There is a possibility that your daughter is more sensitive to touch and texture which is causing her to feel pain when you do her hair as well as causing her to try different outfits because the one she has on is uncomfortable. I suggest you discuss this possibility with her pediatrician. Based only on your post, I suspect it has more to do with her own need to be in control and perhaps low self-esteem.

I would focus on building up her confidence by being less critical, giving her lots of praise, and allowing her to make many of her own decisions even tho she decides differently than you would.

Well, if she doesn't like the way you do her hair, get her up 30 minutes earlier so she can do it herself. Set some ground rules - She needs to brush it all out so there are no snarls. She can wear her hair however she wants as long as it's brushed out.

As for the room cleaning... I shut the door and walk away. Kids are busy. They don't care about their rooms. You can want her to care that her room is neat, but when it comes right down to it - she doesn't. I pick my battles. I shovel their rooms out once a year when they are gone to summer camp. Sometimes, I'll go in during the year and straighten things up or put laundry away, but mostly I leave it be. I tell them I'm going to be vacuuming and that the floor needs to be clear. If they don't pick up, I vacuum around the piles. I do insist that their dirty laundry be in the hamper in the hall every night so I can wash it. And, I do insist that their sheets be changed once a week. I don't allow food or drink in their rooms... that eliminates any real filth/bug/odor issues.
As for defiance - that's normal. Find her currency. If she likes TV, take it away. If she likes having friends over, take it away... That will hurt far more than any spanking.
LBC

Sounds normal to me. On the hair thing, however:

I have super curly hair. For YEARS my mum would brush it every morning (with me in tears, because it HURT). I finally put my foot down (actually I think I was 9). And she gave me 3 options; either let her brush it out, do it myself to her approval, or she'd cut it off.

She meant the cutting it all off bit as a "threat" / punishment. But I lept at the chance.

My god... cutting it off was wonderful. No more screaming pain every morning. Granted, because I was too young for breasts and makeup I got mistaken for a boy an awful lot... but I have to seriously recommend a pixie cut to anyone who is having the hair battle.

I eventually grew it out again (down to my waist as a matter of fact), but that pixie cut was the best thing that happened to my mum's and my relationship. Starting off every morning fighting and in tears was killing us.

Your daughter has been on the earth for 8 years - she's not an adult with good reasoning skills and the complete ability to match actions with consequences. Kids all respond differently. Very few kids will do exactly waht you tell them to do - especially if it involves multiple steps. Your hsuband seems to be taking things personally. Most 8 yr olds need direction to clean their room ("first pick up the books and put them back on the shelf", when that's done, then you instruct her to "get all the pencils and school supplies in the bin", etc.) Kids do not come out of the womb knowing how to do stuff - and just because they've been told once how to do something does not mean they remember. I've learned that kids need to be told, then retold then told again - about a thousand times should do it. My 14 yr old cleans our bathrooms and I've created a checklist for her becuase she always seemed to forget one or two things. Now she prints up the list and checks off each item as she does it. You could try that with multi-step tasks.

A timer to get things done? Is your husband a general or a father? A wise man once told me when he was yelling at his kids he stopped short when he realized that they would recall theses moments - he decided that his relationship with his kids was more important than getting the train table set up in 20 minutes (or whatever it was). Ask your husband how he wants his daughter to remember her relationship with him when she's grown?

As for clothing, hair, etc. - my kids hate certain items of clothing beucase they are itchy, or they ride up in the back, or some kid made fun of them when they wore that shirt, etc. (My son stopped wearing a particular yellow shirt when someone called him a bumblebee when he was in 2nd or 3rd grade.) Does it sounds silly to you? Absolutely - but is it real to her when she's at school? Yes it is. Pick out her clothes with her the night before - direct her but give her some choice. As for hair, I used to be obsessed about my daughter's hair - that it be "just right" - and within 20 minutes at school she'd pull it out and wear it down - that was comfortable for her. PICK YOUR BATTLES. As long as her hair is clean and reasonably neat, who cares?

Realize that in a few years she will be in middle school / high school and you had better have a relationship with her now or she will rebel like crazy when she gets there. RULES WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP = REBELLION.

My daughter always behaved at school and only has issues at home too - that's not a bad thing - it means she's comfortable at home and knows there's unconditional love at home - at school she knows it's not the same.

Kids are kids - they go through these stages where they'll only east peas, mac & cheese, hot dogs or pizza. Again - who cares? Make sure she gets a balanced diet. My kids know that if they don't like what I've made for dinner they can make themselves a sandwich - but I'm not doing it. At 8 she's old enough to make a bologna or PBJ sandwich for herself. Otherwise let her eat the few things that she will eat. Again, pick your battles. We make the kids try everything but if they don't like it they can go back to their favorite. Let's face it we're the same way - I don't make lima beans - beucase I hate them!

As for other kids /friendships - some kids are the popular kids, some are not. I have one of each. My son is easy going, is funny, well liked and has lots of friends. My daughter is more rigid, a little more judgemental, and usually only has 1 or 2 good friends and a handful of a few others. That's OK - she is who she is. Keep her busy, do stuff together and build on yoru relationship. She's had times in her life when she's felt lonely, that she has no friends - just encourage her, make sure she knows she's loved. I do know that when we've had tough times at home, rocky times in our marriage, etc - they've been the times when my daughter has had tougher times with the other kids. Peace at home helps kids have better firendships - but it won't change your child's personality. My daughter will never be a part of a large pack of girls - but that's just fine with me.

As for you husband & daughter, ask your husband how he felt about his own dad when he's get spanked for not getting his room cleaned up by the time the timer went off? (or whatever) Remind him of how quickly the last 8 years went by and how quickly the next 8-10 will go by - and then your daughter will be gone. He needs to work WITH his girl - not as the policeman telling her she's not getting it done the right way.

Kids respond to encouragement, the establishmnet of appropriate guidelines and expectations. Have your husband try this - He tells your daughter he is proud of how she does _________ something taht she does well and tries hard at. Explain that this next task - cleaning her room, (or whatever) is another complicated task, with a lot of steps but he knows she can handle it because she's done lots of other hard things before. He should tell her that he'll be there to provide guidance and encouragement - and will help empty the wastepaper basket, etc. Then when the two of them have completed the room that he gives her high-fives, he tells her that she's done a great job, he knew that she would, etc - and that he looks at this room cleaning adventure as a growing experience for them both. He'll get a chance to grow his relationship with his girl and that day in the future when he dances with her at her wedding he will be glad he cleaned the room with her. Granted, he may look at it as a giant waste of time - but I would bet that he wished his dad would have spent an hour or two doing the same when he was 8.... Kids want our time - they want us. Kids spell love as T-I-M-E.

If she was throwing fits about her clothes and you gave into them, but they stopped when she was grounded, it's most likely not a sensory issue. It's an attention issue. If she only eats 3 things and those are the only things you give her, then that's all she's going to eat. If she throws a fit about cleaning and you do it for her, why would she ever clean? When your husband sets a time for her to X, does she do it? If she does, then you have your answer. Of course she's going to feel rejected if kids don't play with her, I think that's part of life though. You have to teach her how to deal with those type of feelings. No, it's not easy.
The hair could be a lot of different things. What type of hair does she have, curly or straight? What type of technique are you using? And honestly, it could be that she's saying it hurts because she doesn't like it to be brushed.
What makes you think that if you don't help her clean that she takes it as rejection? Has she told you that?
Personally, I think it's time to set some firm rules. Give her X amount of time to clean her room. If it's not done, then there's a consequence (doesn't have to be spanking it could be losing a toy or a privilege). If it is done, there's a small reward (even if it's just a little extra dessert or a cookie). If she cries when you brush her hair, tell her to do it herself. If she won't do it herself, maybe it's time for a new haircut.
I'm not a fan of being a short order cook. My kids are expected to at least try the food I've cooked. If it's something they genuinely don't like, then I'll make them something else. For instance, my oldest doesn't like chili. She tries it every time I make it. She still doesn't like it. I know that and usually have some type of leftovers for her. That happens maybe once every few months. Overtime, she's learned to like quite a few things that she absolutely hated before.
You really need to examine the CAUSE of the behavior NOT the behavior itself.

Grounding, ignoring and spanking is separating you away from your child. There are other ways to handle it and still keep your bonds and create a close-knit family. (after all, isn't that what family is all about!?)

I second the Out of Sync Child. Read it to find out what fits with our child and how to approach things differently so that you help her and also find a way to be good with things.

I think that an occasional defiance falls under the "people are not perfect" rule and can slip. Just like you do things that you would change later, so does she. If you see her going down a road where she will get defiant, be a teacher. Stop, point out where this is headed and ask her if she wants to do that. Remind her of a better way to handle it and how it helps things to do it that way. Kids want to do the right thing - especially an honors student. Sometimes they forget and a loving reminder does wonders to help.

Have the hair/clothing sensitivity issues always been around or are they new? Some people have sensory issues, and it would be better to rule that out than punish someone for a condition they don't control.

The room thing is normal, and occasional defiance is normal. I don't know if family counseling is necessary, but maybe a parenting class you can both go to so you can be on the same page. Good luck!

i'm seeing more of an issue between opposing parenting styles than a kid with a problem. let her do her own hair! oh, the fights my mom and i had over this. she felt i was being whiny, i felt like she was braiding my brains. her 'threat' to have it all cut off was such a blessing for me. no more getting whacked with that dang hairbrush.
there is a huge happy medium between walking away and letting her be overwhelmed by her room, and doing it for her. break it into manageable chunks, and have her work on it a little each day. show her what you expect, and then let her do it. but not with a timer and punishment hanging over her. it's HER room.
do not get in food fights with your child. ever. keep healthy snacks around for her to eat if she hates what you've fixed for dinner, and fix what she likes a reasonable amount of time. then leave her alone. she will not voluntarily starve.
she sounds like a good student. don't pick at her.
occasional defiance could have a lot of causes, one being having a dad who spanks her if she has a mind of her own. what sort of options does she have if she disagrees with you? do you let her have a voice?
she sounds like a nice kid to me. i wouldn't worry at all, but i would start giving her some respect, some privacy and some appreciation.
khairete
S.

OK, I have 2 daughters above this age, 9 & 19 and one below, 6...........ugh, they both have gone through and my 9 yr old still kinda hangs on to some of this stuff....It is normal and sometimes, I will have to say, it is just easier to do things so you do not have to hear the drama. HOWEVER, you have to stand your ground. If you do, she will eventually brush her hair, my 19yrold has not once gone to class, she is in college, without being fully dressed w/makeup head to toe--lol....so that being said, hang on and tightly....a friend of mine has a daughter the same age and uses the "rocks in a metal coffee pot method" the clanking of the rocks so absolutely annoying, however, there is no yelling by mom, she just starts dropping the rocks/pebbles....for everyone on, there is a consequence (ie minutes of bedtime (go early), minutes off tv, whatever she holds near and dear, no rocks in the jar and there is a small reward, 5 extra min with mom or dad etc. AFter a while she was able to stop and just move on to a chart now there are mom/daughter nite at the $1 movie or dad/daughter whatever they like to do after 2 wks of straight good behavior.