Apologies? - Crystal Lake,IL

I only apologize when I feel sorry about the action - not just because it is "the right thing to do" in the situation. It is my way of saying I accept responsibility for my wrong doing and I want you (the victim typically) to know it. Typically the response is an acceptance and a window to move forward but there can also be the opposite, I have also walked away before getting a response because it was NEVER about that to begin with.

An apology is for the benefit of the one who apologizes and the one she apologizes too. It clears the emotional air. It doesn't mean you want to renew a relationship. It's an acknowledgment that you did something wrong and in respect for the other person and their feelings telling them so.

For the one apologizing it's a way to acknowledge what was wrong and thus making it easier to forgive ones self and let go of the past. It's a way to clean one's soul, so to speak.

In twelve step programs admitting wrong doing and aplogizing is a part of the process of healing. It's an important step for the one who is apologizing. It is done for the benefit of the one giving the apology. I've had someone apologize to me when I wasn't even aware that there was a need for an apology. They were both in 12 step programs. It's just part of the healing process.

When one doesn't apologize the wrong is on their mind affecting their lives. An apology cleans the slate. It also shows that the person is aware of their wrong doing making it an educational step, also.

Depending on the situation, an apology can be healing for the receiver too. It clears the slate for them. It helps to dissolve ill feelings and is freeing for both the one apologizing and the one apologized to.

It's a way of making amends and letting go of the past.

Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong, it just means you value your relationships more than your ego. - Unknown

Molly has it right. Very right ! ! !

An apology doesn't mean you are or were wrong or incorrect. It doesn't even mean they were right. Its just words to solve a problem and EGO usually has a part to play in why there is a problem in the first place.

Good luck to you and yours.

Well, my definition of an apology is simple: You wronged someone, you are acknowleging it and plan on never doing it again. However, the feeling behind that also needs to say: Forgiven, truce, let's put it all behind us and move forward.

I'm sorry can mean lots of things, like B said. And it can also mean that
"i miss you"
"i want you back in my life"

And that you are sorry the situation happened. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are holding your tail between your legs.

To clear her conscience, and to make amends to the person who was wronged. Even without the intent to have a relationship, it is still good for a person to hear that the one who screwed them over in whatever way is sorry for it. It will also make the transgressor a better person for admitting their mistake and seeking restitution. Even if the transgressor wasn't totally wrong, an apology can mean, "I'm sorry the situation happened" or "I'm sorry that things got out of control", "I'm sorry I overreacted"..

I follow the AA rule - I make amends as soon as possible, unless to do so would injure the person I'm apologizing to or others.

The apology is to clean YOUR side of the street. It is primarily for the maker. Although the recipient may feel better, or may gain understanding, it is the maker of the apology that feels it most.

ETA: An apology does not equate to a relationship, even those we previously have had a relationship. I apologized to my ex-wife during my 9th step - haven't spoken to her since.

This is interesting timing, as I'm working on a blog post about apologies in general.

For me, the reason to apologize is to make amends to the person I've wronged. This also means not just saying "I'm sorry", but really trying to fix any damage I might have done and figure out how not to do it again. I might do it out of love and affection for the person and the regard I have for my relationship with them. I might do it because yep, I made a mistake and I need to make things right so *I* can feel settled in my own heart. This means that even if it's someone I don't particularly like or care for, I respect myself enough to rectify the wrong or harm/hurt I've done because they are another fellow human being.

I think it's possible to apologize because we've realized that we've made a mistake, and to still maintain boundaries. We can feel badly that we've treated someone a certain way, but also know that they aren't a person we need to/should be around. Maybe because they hurt us deeply, and the apology isn't going to make that other person any less toxic. Some families are like this, and I don't think the person apologizing needs to feel badly in that situation.

"I'm sorry" can means several things.
It can be an admission of guilt.
It can convey sympathy.
Or it can be "I'm sorry ((unspoken) you're such an idiot)" which is just going along to get along.

You apologize when you regret the action. It has nothing to do with mending bridges, just regret and hope to not do it again.

If guilt lingers, then do apologize and get it off your chest. Maybe if you don't want to salvage the relationship, then it can be done in a handwritten letter on stationary. It need not be long nor should it rationalize your past behavior, but at least acknowledge the wrongdoing. If you do it in writing, be very careful with your word choices, as tone of voice if difficult to convey in writing.

P.S. Apologies can be for the ACTION or for how it AFFECTED someone (for example: "I'm sorry for what I said" vs "I'm sorry that what I said offended you"), regardless, I have been in a situation to apologize for the affect yet still try to find a way to modify my behavior if I'm in a similar situation again.

An apology isn't admitting wrong. It's about acknowledging someone else's feelings....ooh there is a quote about this...

An apology means different things to everyone. To me? An apology acknowledges that I or, someone else, hurt someones feelings or did something that hurt them...it acknowledges the incident. It doesn't change that it happened. It ACKNOWLEDGES that feelings were hurt, etc.

In your case, even with as vague as you are being, I would apologize for doing whatever I did and leave it at that. The other person will either accept it and press on or they won't.

If this situation is bothering you STILL. And YOU were the one that did the hurting...it just shows that your conscience is bothering you...because you know you hurt someone. If YOU are the hurt one? After a year and still lingering on it? You were hurt. However, if you refuse to talk with the person - you are ONLY hurting yourself not the other person by holding on to ill-will (for lack of better words).

Good luck!

A person should apologize to convey that they are sorry for doing something that in some way negatively affected another person. I disagree with the poster who said the recipient of the apology should be adult enough to forgive: the apology should be given without requiring/demanding a particular response. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't negate whatever happened, it just shows that the person gave it some thought and is sorry for how they acted. Hopefully the person receiving the apology appreciates the gesture, but depending on the offense, may need more time to forgive.

Absolutey apologize. Even if you don't want to rekindle the relationship. It is very freeing to your spirit to apologize and let it go.

Interesting question. I suppose the answer would be different for everyone. For me, I think apologies are important because they tell you what a person is really about. Here's what I mean. We all make mistakes. No matter how hard we try, we will hurt the people we love. And they will hurt us. That's just a fact of life. However, some people are also just jerks. And do you really want those people in your life? How can you tell the difference between someone who really cares about you and made a mistake versus someone who just treats people poorly because that's how they are? The answer, for me, lies in apology.

Here's an example. Years ago, my SIL hurt me very deeply. And she knew it. But she refused to apologize for it or accept any responsibility. She expected me to get over it and just move on. The problem was, I couldn't do that because I believed the reason she didn't apologize was because her actions were intentionally meant to hurt me. Afterall, when someone hurts you then tells you they're not sorry, what else are you supposed to think? And the hurt was so egregious, it made me fear any kind of relationship with her. If her actions were intentional, what would stop her from doing it again? When a person apologizes, you get a good sense that they didn't mean to do it, feel badly and will try very hard not to hurt you again in the future. Her refusal to apologize made me believe she would do it again and wouldn't really care about it. So today, we don't speak. And it's ashame. On the flipside, one of my best friends really hurt my feelings a few months ago. And she knew it. Do you know what she did? She drove to my house unexpectedly after work one day just to see me, hug me, and apologize in person. Now THAT is a person who truly cares.

I try to employ the same rule myself. When I hurt somebody, my husband, my children, my family, my friends - I apologize. I want them to know I care about them and would never do anything to hurt them intentionally. You can't just assume people know that. You have to TELL them how you feel. Life's too short not to.

I apology should only occur once per incident. The person who gets the apology should be adult enough to forgive.