Any Single Mothers of 2 Who Do It alone-Pregnant-adoption?

she might want to try a pregnancy crisis center. They usually can help, with trying to find a place to live or even little things like maternity clothes. They also have counselling and are very willing to help people who are in a tough situation but arent willing to get an abortion.

My step sister is awaiting to adopt an African American baby and there are SO many people out there waiting and willing to love a baby. Adoption is the most selfish gift someone can give though I can't imagine how extremely difficult that would be. The cradle is a great adoption agency if she is looking towards that route or at least to investigate. Open adoption could be an option for her. Such a hard position you are in knowing what might be best. Good luck.

I just wanted to comment that although it is irresponsible to be pregnant from a non-commited father...it is NOT the mama's irresponsibility:)

Its not impossible to raise a child on your own. If she is considering adoption, tell her to call a few local agencies for information. Open adoptions are so common now, with birth parents being able to visit, phone calls, letters and pictures, etc.

We are waiting to adopt, and I can tell you that if she's unsure, do NOT choose a family until she's sure. The heart ache of being chosen and then having that baby not placed is awful. But she should call around to get information from agencies if she is considering it. Have her seek out counseling (often offered by agencies) for herself.

Adoption isn't 'giving up' a baby, its placing a baby with a family who will love him/her, care for him/her, and always be that childs family. Birth parents will always be special too. Good luck to her.

Well personally i would NEVER be able to go through a pregnancy and labor and then "placing" my baby with another family. With that said, she is ABLE BODIED to provide/support/love this child, just as she does her first born. It will be financially tighter than it was before, but if she is getting help from the state or whereever now for her son, she will continue, if not get more help for the newborn.

I am a single mother of 3 and yes it is EXTREMELY rough, but i make due with what i have. I make sure my children are happy. We go to free parks to play, we play board games etc.. There are thrifty stores for clothes and food pantries to go to for free food. Churches also help. Not sure about where yous live but do they have housing help? Around here we have places that go by your income, so a normal 2 bdrm apt that would go for 800 a month might only cost 400 for a low income family.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!! Again it will be tough, she will struggle. But knowing she did everything to keep her CHILDREN together is worth the struggle. If she is already questioning whether she would be able to cope with the fact she gave the baby up now, then she will regret it later.

Remember if she is already getting help now, she will continue to receive help and probably get more. Good luck and i am sure she will make the right decision for her!!

Your sister-in-law needs to take some time to do some soul-searching to determine what is best for her, for her son, and for her baby. Whatever decision she comes to, she needs to be at peace with that decision. Neither option is impossible, though both are difficult. Neither decision is right or wrong, it's a matter of what is the best thing for all three of them.

Good she SHOULD NOT get an abortion. I've never liked the term "giving up" for adoption. I've not done this myself, but I've had friends who have. There is open adoption where she can still see the child.

A two parent mother/father home, that can provide financially and emotionally for the needs of any child is ideal. Emotionally adoption it's very hard. It's the unconditional love of a mature mother to set aside her feelings toward her child, to give he/she a better life than she can offer.

With that being said, it should not be out of the question to raise children just because you're poor. It's a very personal decision.

I would suggest that she contact The Cradle in Evanston. WWW.thecradle.org. They offer free transportation and counseling and consider it a success if the birthmom makes the best decision for herself and her baby. They do not pressure. They help the birthmom consider her options and make a parenting plan or an adoption plan. They even have an on-site nursery where the baby can stay while the mom considers her plan.

If she wants to keep her child, she should definitely do so. My mother gave me up for adoption and having found her a few years ago, I know that she suffered a life time of pain for her experience including years of depression and several suicide attempts. I think if she already has a child, it will be incredibly hard for her to give a child away even if everyone thinks that is better. Even for the child, as an adoptee, I can tell you there is always that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you were dumped and you wonder how a mom could do that.
No matter what SHE chooses, she needs a lot of emotional support. I would look for some parenting groups. In Oak Park there is parenthesis. Also perhaps some church related groups and some mom groups. Hopefully, after her child is born her family will get over their current resistance to assistance. It will be their grandchild and why allow the child to suffer? Additionally, she should be encouraged to work out a family planning plan of action going forward. Good luck - none of her choices are easy.

I am so thankful that she will allow this child to live. I know that this is a hard thing to do. I know that there are open adoptions meaning that she can still be apart of the childs life and I know that she can do a private adoption to where she can choose the mom and dad for her baby. I am a mother of an in vitro baby and I waited along time to be able to have her and I am truly blessed. Whatever she chooses, she needs to know that she is doing the right thing for the baby and for herself. I will be praying and thinking of her and I hope that you will let me know what she chooses so that I know how to pray. May God Bless you all!

Catholic Charities might be able to help her find the support needed to keep her baby or give the baby up if she wants to consider that. Here is their website:

http://cc.dio.org/programs.htm

Some of the best advise might be to focus on getting some sort of education or trade specialty so that she can become independant. With the programs out there, there is probably something she can take advantage of where she can get a solid education via grants and student loans. I was a single mom at 20 after my soph year in college. I did have supportive parents though which made my reliance on state assistance minimal (my mom babysitted, I lived with my parents, I got WIC but not food stamps, etc.). I got no help from the biological father. Anyway, I got into mom mode and finished college and did better than I did before getting pregnant because I knew our lifestyle/future would depend on it. My son is now 15, I'm happily married w/ 2 more children and I have it all. I didn't marry until 5 years ago. I made a choice that I would be able to take care of me and my child and if I found someone great, if not, we were financially fit. Education is everything in my opinion whether she were to keep the baby or not she still has another little one to support so she should do it for herself regardless.

I agree with those who say that your sister needs support to help her reach the best decision for herself and both children. As an adoptive parent, I am forever grateful to my son's birth mother for her decision. It was the most selfless act I have ever witnessed. We have an open adoption, and my son, now six, has always known he is adopted. He considers his birth family an extension of his adoptive family, and he is a very happy, well-loved little boy. I know that the choice was painful, but my son's birth mother has frequently reflected on how good it feels to see the life that we are able to give our child. No one can decide for her; but if she chooses to parent, I hope it's not because she sees adoption as some kind of failure or lesser choice. It can be a loving, transformative decision.

I totally agree with Tamara's opinon. I myself was a single mother at the age of 17, my daughter is now 18yrs old ready get graduate from HS and with honor grades. I never got any financial help from the state nor from relatives.

In another hand my sister is a single mother of 4 and has been like this for quite a while. She works and also gets financial help from the state. Yes she is barely making it but the most important thing is that she has food and an apartment for her kids.

YES ITS HARD BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

What ever her decision is, I will have her in my prayers.

I too don't like the term "giving up" I prefer placing. I almost placed my son with an absolute amazing couple. But in the end I just could not go through with it. My son was almost an aborted. I was at the clinic and everything, but in the end I knew it was NOT the thing to do.
I would suggest to her that she look into adoption and some agencies (I really like LDS Family Services. I am LDS (Mormon), but the birth mom does not need to be. They were just some amazing people to work with and offer support and have group meetings where they bring snacks!!! ) and pick an agency, meet with several couples and get a couple narrowed down. BUT, I also would suggest having a back up plan just in case she wouldn't be able to go through with it.
I wish I wouldn't have actually picked a couple. I wish I could have narrowed it down and then if I placed him it would be a wonderful surprise. Everyday I beat myself up for hurting my couple. I know that it was the best decision of my life to keep him, but knowing I caused them that pain just kills me. Then there is the fact that we live kind of close. Would I ever run into them? Sorry I don't mean to vent here. Wow, I guess I needed that. That is my advice and wish list.
If she needs to talk to someone who changed her mind I'm very willing to talk with her. It's a very painful place to be. I can't tell you how many tears I shed both for me and my couple.

I would highly recommend that she seek the professional services of a pregnancy crisis center or licensed adoption agency...not an attorney or adoption "facilitator". She needs a REALISTIC look at her ability to parent this child along with her older child.

Sure...there are programs out there to assist with this sort of thing but these programs are in serious financial straights and have suffered serious service cutbacks. One cannot parent by largely relying on community services. These services are designed to promote self sufficiency, not dependence. And Section 8 housing (as mentioned by a number of other posters) has notoriously long waiting lists (years!) and that was before this current economic recession. I can only imagine what the Section 8 housing situation is like now.

Now, please don't get me wrong. Many, many families are able to manage terrible financial circumstances. I applaud each and every one of those parents for their parenting successes in the most difficult of circumstances. I can only advise her to get a crystal clear picture of what her life will be like raising 2 children as a young, single parent with limited family support.

There are many adoption agencies out there. If she choses to talk with an agency make sure they are licensed. The Cradle in Evanston and St. Mary's in Arlington Hts. are both highly regarded agencies. If they can't help, they will refer her to another agency. And finally, it might seem like a small thing but the most PC term in regards to adoption is "making a parenting plan" not "giving up the baby". "Giving up the baby" can have such negative effects on the birthmother and child.

Best of luck to your sister in law and the entire family. I think it's great that you are trying to help her in a non-judgemental way!

Hi there,

I know it's very daunting to imagine bringing up children by yourself, but when you do take the challenge you will realise it's not impossible.

My husband was shot dead while i was expecting my fifth child and the difference in age was a bout 2 years in between each child. We had no money and i was working in a job that paid $100 per month in africa, no child benefits or any other help anywhere.

All my friends advised me to have an abortion but i refused. It was hard in the beginning, dealing with grief, children and the pregenancy, at one point i thought suicide was easier but i kept on and today i do not regret that decision.

My first two children have finished university, they are both lawyers, my third is 2nd year in university, Fourth is first year in university and my last son is doing his junior certificate in june this year.

I did all kinds of petty trades to keep my children alive and in school. It was not easy but i was determined to be the best mother i could be.

Tell your sister all children are a gift and God will open ways that now she cannot see. She will be ok and she will manage, at least she has some help that i did not have.

I wish her well and pray for strength and courage in her trials.

I.

I am a single mother of three children and the youngest is six years. It is very taxing for me and I am far from being 22 years old. I can not imagine trying to raise a newborn on my own. I think adoption is by far the best! It would not be giving the child up. It would be giving the child a better chance at more. I would suggest that she gets a private couple to arrange the adoption with her. It will be giving her and her son a chance at a better life also. She has a hard road ahead of her as it is and she needs to concentrate on providing the best for everyone. It is a tough situation but it does not have to be a losing situation.

I am not a single mother, but I am a mother. I really feel for your sister-n-law. I wish her the best. What I can suggest is that she might want to just talk to an adoption agency. It is her decision as to whether or not she can parent, but it never hurts to talk to one. They might be able to help in some way.

My dear i will advice you to tell your sister in law to keep that baby bc
every good and perfect gift comes from God,then believe strongly on God u
people see that he will make a way for her,in less than no time. Please no
abortion. for our God is full of impossibilities when human beings says is the
end our God says that is his begining. Takecare of her and encourage her Godbless you

It seems like since your sister-in-law already recieves help, and child care is free, the only concern is where to live since she can't continue to live with her mom. There are section 8 housing programs, where your rent is being subsidised and usually they change on sliding scale (such as 1/3 of the income). That might be a doable option for her (please have her sign up early, there is a wait). There is also free healthcare available thru the state for children (from low-income families) and pregnant women. There is also a WIC program, where she can get certain food items for free for herself and the baby. I know it because a friend of mine had a baby by herself - she was immigrant without any family here, but she was able to arrange everything and it was doable for her.

I agree with others who is saying that she should get into school to be able to get a better job in the future. Good for you for being there for your sister-in-law.

has she thought about an open adoption? that's where the baby is legally adopted by another family but she is still is the baby's live indirectly! might be soemthing for here to look into!!

I was a single mother after a divorce at 28 years old and it was very difficult. I wasn't working, didn't have a car, and basically without the help of my family I do not know how I would have made it. My family provided me with food, and emotional support every step of the way. I would be just as upset as your in laws are especially since she not only did this once but to get pregnant twice without a commitment from the father is very irresponsible in my opinion. That being said I do not know how any grandparents can turn their back on their grandchildren. As, I said I would be upset with her, but I could never make these innocent children suffer for their mothers irresponsibility. Children being born into poverty is not easy. The extra stress that will be brought on her trying to make ends meet can never be healthy for a baby. I think your in laws should lay down the law and tell her they will help her but she must be responsible and prevent future pregnancies unless she is able to provide food and shelter for them. They should encourage her to go back to school so she can get a good job and provide for her and her children's future. I think helping her that way so she can have a better life and her children is a gift they can give to her. Not to turn their back on her. I am sorry but this really upsets when people just want to punish someone and not offer a solution to the problem. We already know she made a mistake not why not help her to fix it. They do not have to enable her just help her to get some positive direction in her life to help herself. It is like kicking someone when they are down. Children are a gift they do not ask to be brought into a lifestyle that they cannot be provided for, or give them everything they need to thrive. Love isn't going to put food on the table is it. If her parents are not willing to help her then I think the most unselfish thing she can do is to give this child to a family who can not only provide love but can give this child the opportunities in life he or she deserves. As I said I was a single mother, not by choice and I still had a difficult time making ends meet. When I was married I was a stay at home mom and hadn't worked in years so it was extremely difficult for me. I lived in a one room apartment and slept on the couch and I do not regret one day of it, because I love my son more then life, but as I said that was never my plan. I think she needs to maybe talk to someone from an agency and meet with some parents and see how it feels to her. Maybe when she meets perspective parents and sees the life her child can have it will help her to come around. I could not imagine giving my baby up for adoption or having an abortion, however I do think after having one child alone I would have taken every precaution to be sure it didn't happen again. I think you are a wonderful sister in law for trying to be there for her I hope she finds her way soon!! Good luck

When I was in highschool there was a girl who had a baby at 16 and gave it up for adoption. She did an open adoption where she actually got to visit the baby every couple weeks for a short while. SO, that is always an option. IF she decides to pursue just looking into adoption, she can choose a family that is willing to be flexable with her.

However, if she is POSITIVE that she can NOT give her baby up, there is no need to put a couple through the turmoil of thinking they will get a baby and then changing her mind after it's born and keeping it....... She can always try being a mom to both children and if it doesn't work, go to an agency after the baby is born and then give it up for adoption.

I'm glad she won't consider abortion. Life starts at conception!

Have a heart to heart with her and see where she is in all this. Support her in whatever she decides. If she wants to parent, just do what you can. Nothing is impossible.

Its a personal decision she needs to make herself because she will be living with it for the rest of her life. If she wants to keep the baby she should. It looks like she has already taken a lot of steps to get help, with link, childcare etc. If she is willing im sure she will do fine. I had two kids by the age of 20 and was a single parent myself .My older kids are now 12 and 13 and they are great! I would support her in the decision she makes maybe encourage her to find a career. Maybe go to school part time or take a cna course then maybe an lpn. Something that will help her financially in the future because it does get more expensive as they get older. If she is willing im sure she can do it.

Wouldn't she qualify for public housing (Section 8). I would also check with your local DCFS office (ask to speak to an intake worker) about referrals for any transitional living programs in her area for single moms (we have a wonderful program like this in Springfield, IL - it's called M.E.R.C.Y. Communities). This type of a program allows the mom to live in an apartment at the transitional living facility with her children and the goal is to make her self-sufficient (i.e. provide budget counseling, job coaching, encourage college or certificate programs to learn new skills, etc).

I was 19 when I had my son out-of-wedlock. It was devastating to be in that position at that young age; however, it was a catalyst to providing the motivation to finish college so that I would not have to struggle to provide my son with all the things any other child would have and enjoy. By the grace of God, I worked full-time and went to school but it was certainly not easy. I'm happy to say it is possible and I am now happily married and have obtained a masters degree in social work. It is possible for your sis-in-law to do this as well; however, she will have to work hard and learn from her mistakes. I would encourage her to use birth control regardless of whether she is sexually active or not. She can't afford in a weak moment to put herself at risk of having another baby. Each baby will make it more difficult for her to pull herself out of this financial situation. In addition, I would recommend she work on improving her self-esteem and raising her standards as far as men are concerned. I've been there and I know how hard this can be but it's far better to heal, "find herself" so to speak, and raise her standards then to think she has to find another man to provide for her and settle for someone that won't treat her well. Let her know there are others out there like her who have persevered. Best of luck to her and God bless!!

As the mother of two wonderful adopted children, I would ask your sister-in-law to try to not think about herself but to think about the child. Of course it is hard to place a child for adoption, but that's hard on her. What about what's hard for the child? Being raised by a single mom without any money or support is a very, very difficult way to grow up. If she decides to place her child, she will give that child an opportunity to be raised by (typically) two parents with the financial means to give that child a good life. No, money is not everything but anyone who has been poor can tell you how hard it is. The birthmothers of my sons are the most incredible people in the world. We have open adoptions and it all works out well. Remember, as a parent you always need to think about what's best for the child, not what's best for the parent. www.stmarysservices.com I would highly recommend this adoption agency. They can provide financial and emotinal support to birthmoms.

She knows her parents are telling her adoption would be best and thinks they must be right, but her heart is telling her something else. Support her in what she feels. A lot of people have raised two kids on similar incomes as single parents. It is not imposible! Parenting is always hard. She needs someone to let her know that it is okay to do what she feels rather than what older and wiser peopel tell her to do.

I know this listing is old but I wanted to add another contact name: Center For Family Building. They are in Evanston. They have a non profit organization that works with them to help Birthmothers. They give grant money for education and all sorts of other things to help birthmoms reach their goals. It is a great organization. Whether she chooses adoption or not it might be worth talking to them so she can make an informed decision. Good luck to her! Contact me if she wants more information on them.

Also, as many have posted, adoption is very different now. My 10 year old adopted son emails and texts his birthmom often. She is a very important part of his life and always will be. I am not saying it was easy for her to do but now it is a wonderful relationship.