Any One Through a Divorce... Logistic and Practical Advice Please

Well, some may disagree with me, but you already invested a lot of time in counseling and trying to repair the damage done the first time only to have him continue a relationship with another woman. This isn't the same thing as fighting over how to fold the towels. If I were you, and I'm not, I would get a divorce as well.
My son was just a little baby when I got divorced. Yes, you can find things to be sad about, but, I actually did my son a favor. I got out when he was too little to remember the abusive hell the kids and I suffered at the hands of an out of control tyrant.
My daughter remembers all of it as she is 10 years older and she has zero contact with him. NONE. My son is able to have a relationship with his dad. He knows he still isn't honest, can't control his temper, etc, but he is able to see some of the good in him. And he does love him.

Your daughter might not be happy about the divorce, and no, you can't tell her why you are leaving the marriage. That's why your husband is going to have to man up and take part of the blame as far as leaving her in a position of choosing sides. He knows he's got another woman in his life, he knows it's wrong, but that doesn't make him a bad father. You not wanting to live in a marriage like that doesn't make you a bad mother, either. So, he'll just have to suck it up and help you lessen the blow and not allow your daughter to take her anger out on you about it.
Believe me, when she's older, she would not have wanted you to stay in a marriage with a cheating husband even if it IS her own father and she loves him.
Make sure you have all your financial affairs in order as far as assets, bank accounts, etc, so your husband can't stash the money and consult a divorce attorney.
As abusive as my ex was, my attorney changed my papers at the last minute to legal separation hoping that it would shock my husband enough to quit being so abusive and get help. That didn't work and only prolonged things further. My ex didn't think I was serious and I most certainly was.
He couldn't quit being abusive anymore than your husband will likely give up this other woman. That's just my opinion.
Kids aren't dumb. If you leave your husband and all the sudden he has this other woman he's so familiar with around, your daughter will start putting two and two together.
Regardless of the reason for a divorce, kids still have the right to love both parents. And, kids are not a reason for staying in a bad marriage. My parents didn't divorce until I was 16 and trust me, I my sister and I actually begged them to do it sooner. Staying together for us was something that we were unwilling and helpless participants in. And EVERYBODY was unhappy.

So yes, you do need to think carefully about how to proceed.
California is a no fault divorce state, meaning adultry isn't grounds...not sure about Virginia. Your husband will know why you're leaving him and that's why he is just going to have to step up and not allow you to take the brunt of all this where the kids are concerned. He's made choices. You're making choices. Hopefully you can handle it with as little damage to the kids as possible.
I often think it's sad that I got a divorce when my son was so young, but like I said, he has no memory of us ever being married so this is just the way things are for him. I hate to say it, but there were no good things for him to remember and at least he doesn't remember the really bad things either.

I wish you the best. I really do. This is a tough situation but my kids turned out just fine. I went through some times when my daughter was angry with me for walking away from our beautiful home and all the money my husband made. We definitely downgraded our lifestyle, but there was no more maniac coming through the front door after work and going crazy on us. No more crying, no more hiding in my closet to keep the kids quiet so he wouldn't scream at us.

Sometimes you just know when it's time to go.

Blessings to you.

Hi Hera,

Have you told him that you want a divorce, yet? Does he know?

First I would armor up. I would find an attorney who could counsel me. Then, I would sit down with my husband and explain my choice. I would let him know that in doing what he did, he didn't just wrong me, but wronged the entire family. He destroyed his family. I would make sure he understood that I wasn't going to tell our children why or air his dirty laundry to his kids, but in return I would like him to do the same. You need to come up together with the answers you are going to tell your daughter. Get his agreement.

If he in any way nasty to or about you in front of the kids I would go to the attorney and play hard ball.

You can have in the divorce agreement (and should):

No maligning the other parent in any way.

No bringing other people of the opposite sex around you children without the express agreement of the other parent.

You can't MAKE him be a good parent but if he has been one til now he probably will continue to be a good parent after the divorce.

All of this is why you need to get an attorney ASAP. Your husband isn't going to be about your best interests (he certainly hasn't to date) so you need someone who's soul focus is what's best for YOU.

Hope this helps,

L.

I went thru the same thing and did divorce. I did not take my divorce lightly and it devistated my kids. However, they are resiliant and with love, understanding, communication, can make it thru just about anything. My kids see their dad every other weekend and we share the holidays. I have since remarried and they love their step dad. He is active in their lives and loves them deeply. So, if you do divorce, make sure he pays child support, get the parenting time in details (who picks up at what time, etc) and email and/or text all conversations and keep copies of everything. As much as people say you can get thru this, I never felt like I could ever trust my ex again. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Okay, so your husband is a cheating jerk. That stinks!! Of course you shouldn't trust him, that would be stupid. However, stop and think of your children.
You describe him as a very good father. A terrible husband obviously, but a good father. Try to put your children far enough ahead of you that you would do whatever it took to make their lives the best they can be. Your children deserve to grow up in a house with their mother and father. There is no doubt that divorce destroys kids. So make a commitment and determination that you will make this marriage work for the next 17 years until your children are up and out on their own. Then you can divorce the jerk knowing you did the very best thing for your children.
Oh, and wear a condom every time you have sex with your husband for the next 17 years. You know he's a cheater and you don't need any surprises.

Before you look at divorce options,
please consider counseling.
First for you and then, if possible, for your husband as well.
I think it would be helpful to separate out
the various strands of this situation . . . .
a comparison of the various pluses and minuses
of working on the marriage or ending the marriage.
The balance sheet may turn out to be
different than you expect it to be.
S.

My advice would be to think before you react or make any life changing decisions. Divorce is not a temporary solution it is a permanent one. It all depends on you, and if you think you can work through his actions of adultery or not.
If the answer is that you want a divorce then you must proceed very delicately. Joint Custody is always a better match if both parents are responsible, and able to care for the children equally. As a child of divorce, I was 6 when my parents divorced, and my mother explained things as best as she could, and never criticized or belittled my father, or talked badly about him. She emphasized that they both loved me so much, and that it wasn't my fault.
I would advise to have a family counselor during this time, so that your children are able to gradually be introduced to this new situation, as well as have someone to help assist you and your husband in working through this situation as easy as possible for the sake of everyone involved.

Wow! Honey you should of left the first time. You can love your family know matter what. He has no respect for you that is odvious. I am a divorced mother and my daughter just told me the other day she just wishes me and her daddy could be together , she is 7 about to turn eight in a month and me and her dad have been divorced for four years. I know our children wish we could of talked things out but i was tired of trying honestly i was the only one in the relationship i was with my ex for eight years and he didnt start caring until it was to late, and who is to say that wasnt just an act. these men cry, beg and steal just for you to give them another chance but they continue to turn their backs on their women so why shouldnt you. Your kids will understand , they can love you and your husband the same as always. Do yourself a favor do not stay just for your children. HE WILL DO IT AGAIN!!! Stand up for your self and dont give him another chance, know when he says he will do or say whatever it takes its just a speech to get what he wants. Thats how they act when their caught. there is good guys out there, you just found yourself a bad egg. Keep in mind that counseling isnt always the answer. Children know as much now as they will when you seperate. They know when your happy sad or hurt. Children are very much aware of situations such as this. I had put everything on the table before i left and it was the best desicion i made. No fighting , arguing or no negativity going on eases my mind better. I want my children to know i am happy content and safe in the life that i have chose and they know i truly believe i deserve that.