Another Question About My 4 Year Old - Also Having Trouble Making Choices

Jim could be right.. maybe she is tired of choices..

Or you could just flip a coin..

Speak with her about how you make choices.. Also that there are no wrong choices when deciding what to eat when you like both of them.

I think I will have a hot dog today and tomorrow for lunch I will have peanut butter. I feel like a warm lunch today.

Or, I decided on the blue shirt today. But tomorrow I am going to wear the red. I like both colors, but today just feels like a blue shirt day. Or I am going to wear the longer sleeve shirt, since it is a little cool outside.

Stop the choices....may be too much for her.

I would take the decision making element out of things like bathing, eating etc.
Let her use her little mind for deciding which toy to play with or which color crayon to use. Just my two cents...

I've been in this same dilemma at different times with my son, who's almost five. Here's what works for me:

When choices aren't working, I stop giving them. Whatever he can do on his own, I give free reign (sometimes, kids need us to let them do it as they want, at other times it's better to just say "here, put these clothes on" and give them the clothes you want them to wear). Otherwise, I'm in charge of the decisions.

When the choices are being second-guessed (upset by what they choose), I make the decision. This tells me that there may be something going on in another area of his development and he needs me to be in charge of his day-to-day needs. It would be okay for you to 'take back' the lunch/meal choices and let her make the choices *when* she opens the lunchbox, not before. The same for meals. Whether in the lunchbox or plate, make sure you're serving two things you know she'll regularly eat which are healthy, and then leave the rest of it to her. This saves a lot of frustration on everyone's part.

Don't offer choices when they are tired, hungry, or you're pressed for time. I am more in favor of leading them through what they need to be doing, and doing it authoritatively. "It's time to...." is a great phrase to use. Unlike "I want you to" or "you need to", "It's time to..." is more of a neutral statement. It's just a matter of fact: it *is* time to get out of the bathtub...

What you described from bathtime: this sounds like a bit of a power struggle and perhaps bid for your attention. Instead of asking questions of your daughter, watch her actions and then let those observations guide you in deciding what needs to be done next. Avoid choices around bedtime, too. You know what needs to be done.

When a child quarrels or backtalks with me, I give one confirmation of my decision and then disengage with a book or a magazine or the task I need to attend to. Ignore, ignore, ignore. I usually treat this as a self-indulgent behavior and try to move on, because reasoning with them will often not work. Being quiet will either let them move on from that moment (no audience) or let us know that they need our further assistance in some way. (Tired, needs a break in their room to play, downtime, bedtime, a meal...sometimes just being held with no words...) If we choose not to engage, but just stay our ground without a lot of talking, this sends a stronger message of our adult authority. .... And of course, when they are being pleasant again, we engage with them in a friendly way, as though we need not discuss the previous whining or arguing....

Good luck-- I know my son goes through seasons of this: sometimes it's a moment or a day or a week, and then we don't see it for a while. Limiting the choices to easier ones (you can play with what's on the shelf; you can get your own clothes; you can eat what's packed in the lunchbox) can hopefully help both you and your daughter enjoy each other a little more.

I don't know if it's normal, but we have that problem sometimes. When my son is having trouble I just start presenting him with clothes or breakfast or whatever it is and say nothing. Most of the time this tactic works.

I would try and remove yourself a bit and give her some independence. I would stop with the two choices. It seems to make it harder on her than just saying "what do you want for lunch?" Presenting two choices is dangling two equality great things in front of her. just tell her to go pick out her clothes by herself. She can vasilate by herself and that will be less frustrating for you. I have a 4 year old girl too and they can be very frustrating.

With some things, you just need to put your foot down. Like the baths. If she is tantruming no matter what you do, then you need to regain control. Maybe wash her first thing in the bath and then if she wants to play, she can, but if she says out, take her out. I think if you go back and forth and allow the tantrums to control the situation that will just cause things to continue and also will transfer into other decision making times and cause her to continue to hem and haw.

As for giving her choices, I am all about giving choices when kids need them - but if she has trouble, then I like what others said about making things more open ended. Or you could make it silly by offering one good choice and one choice that you KNOW she won't like (are there any foods she doesn't like?) What would she say if you offered her the choices of PBJ or dog food for lunch? Maybe making it silly might help take some of the pressure off??

I also like the flipping the coin idea...and if it lands on hot dog, then tell her PBJ will be one of the choices for tomorrow. You need to teach her to follow through with her choices and they will have consequences. I think the more time you spend on things, the more she will continue to be indecisive. Good luck!!

i love that you're giving her choices, such an empowering thing for a little to learn! but as with all things, they go through phases with it, and she's apparently sorting out for herself just what it means to have choices. so while she's struggling with this, make it easy for her and don't offer choices while she moves through this developmental milestone. you are exactly right in your assessment, she IS overwhelmed by having to make a choice. in another month she'll be back to loving it.
for now 'we're having oatmeal for breakfast. here you go!' will suffice.
:) khairete
S.

You know these aren't earth-shattering choices, but she doesn't. After all, she's only four. Clothing, food and baths you decide, giving her far less to stress about. She will send cues when she's ready to make choices without falling apart.

Why give her choices for her clothes? My 4 year old dresses herself without my help every morning. She will come show me what she has put on. I think sometimes if we take ourselves out of the picture, they have an easier time deciding things. If they can do it on their own, let them.

I also don't give choices for lunch or breakfast. I just ask her what she wants. Sometimes she will say cereal and toast. I just give her both. If she wants to choose between two things and she is having a hard time, I start counting, and she knows she has until 5 to make up her mind.

You are doing great in giving her just two choices, both things you can live with. Since she is refusing to make a choice I would start saying "Here are your 2 choices" if she can't decide in a reasonable time tell her "Make a choice now, or I choose for you". That will usually do it, you are giving her the choice to make a decision for herself or have you make it for her.

Good Luck,

M