Another Question....

I have known plenty of perfectionists. You are not going to change her or talk her out of this mindset. I would do two things. First I would work on channeling her energies into dealing with being an imperfect person with perfectionist needs and demands on herself. Maybe she needs to work off the frustration through art or sports. While working out the frustration, she needs to repeat to herself she is not a bad person and she is imperfect but still perfect in the eyes of those who love her.

Secondly I would work with her on how to strategize to improve. She will have to understand and accept she can't be perfect (see above). However, when she makes less than a 100 grade for instance, help her strategize on what she did wrong (maybe the wrong study strategy for instance) and how she will approach the problem next time. I think both things in tandem will work off the frustrations and also help her feel proactive in working towards perfection. Good luck.

Always praise the effort and dedication, not the result (grade or win).

It is a sense of "control" for her.
Or her not wanting to feel inadequate... thus a person overly compensates in other areas.
ie: being a perfectionist.

When my daughter was younger, she was a perfectionist. Even her Kindergarten Teacher told us this. Which we knew already. She would cry... doing her homework, because it was not perfect enough, etc.
But, so we and the Teacher worked with her on it. Explaining that trying her best, is the best etc. and the process.... of anything, is the important thing. That is how you learn etc.
Anyway, well my daughter became less of a perfectionist. She is still a hard worker and puts forth her best effort, but if she makes mistakes, she does not fret over it anymore.

Some people, are afraid of making "mistakes." For whatever reason. For each person, the reasons are different.

What has her Teacher said?

Your daughter though, is now "cheating" in order to be "perfect."
Maybe, therapy might benefit her?
Or is there a school Counselor?

Since this is affecting your daughter, in all areas of life.... not only per school work, then I would seek out some help for her.

For some, being a Perfectionist is also a "coping" skill. Not a skill, but a coping mechanism. For whatever reason.
And/or it can be a way for a person to feel acceptance.

Along with this perfectionism... is Stress, upon the individual. Self inflicted stress. So THIS has to be addressed, as well.

Instead of telling her to try her best... just focus on what she learned about the task. The PROCESS of it. Not the end result.
The "experience" of it.
Maybe even being told to "try her best..." she is not getting it... to her it may just be having to be "perfect."

not sure how much help this is, but I always tell my son that if he get something wrong on a test that , that helps the teacher to know what he might need more practice on or that maybe she needs to explain better to all the kids if they all miss it.

Don't be afraid to call up the guidance counselor and just ask for some tips. I'm guessing that she might have some anxiety issues too, yoga is great and super fun for kids and helps with that, our Ymca offers it. Plus there are dvd's you can borrow from the library or buy. Maybe give her a script that she can repeat in her head that it's ok if she misses and answer. or everone has something that they need to practice, or don't expect to always get it right the first time. something along those lines.

I was your daughter at one time.

I wish someone had banged into my head how to be a gracious loser.

I also wish someone had pointed out that NOTHING in this life or on this planet is perfect, and expecting that of myself is fools gold. It doesn't exist. Too much is out of my control.

My parents also asked if I did my best. While I said yes, my mind always screamed "Noooooooo". I always felt that "my best" meant studying until I literally fell asleep, or practicing a sport 25 hours per day. Anything short of that wasn't really my "best effort", because obviously I wasted time if I wasn't doing "my best" to prepare.

I'm not sure if any of that helps, but I felt it just needed to be put out there. :)

My daughter is like that, for her it is part of her OCD. My son also had perfectionist tendencies. I used to joke with my daughter that when she got a B we were going to have a party. I wanted to emphasize to her that I didn't expect straight As. But she wanted straight As and 100s or the highest grade in the class. It led to anxiety issues and for her going to a counselor helped. She learned coping techniques. She used to not have many friends because of her perfectionist tendencies, but now she has lots of friends (she is in college now). I also took them both to a neurolinguistic programming practitioner one time and she had my son do a 'perfect' square on a white board and had him keep trying to make it more perfect and then erased it and had him draw an imperfect one and pointed out how great it was and how the perfect one wasn't worth the effort, or something like that. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is also helpful. It is a tapping technique on acupressure points that you use while talking through the issue. If you want more information on that let me know and I am not a practitioner drumming up business, I am just talking about links to more info.

Our 17 yr old puts a lot of undue pressure on herself to keep a great GPA, stay in Honors/AP classes, cheer violin and community activities.

Some kids are just driven to excel and nothing seems good enough for them. Granted... my hubby is one of those types and everything has to be just so... I know she got part of that from him. It didn't all come from him, I am known for being the extreme detailed one of the family.

We encourage her to do her best and we praise her for all efforts. When she has "had enough" of the pressure she puts on herself... she will make a comment or something like "I have to have a life" which is what we have repeated to her OH so often..

We just tell her,, there is more to life than perfect grades, perfect cheerleading and everything else she is involved in.

This year she seems better although she still puts a lot of pressure on herself to do very well. It is a good trait in many ways,, Failure is NOT an option and Never Give up are our mottos but it has to be balanced.

Right now she is gearing up for college, we are visiting colleges and she is getting mail from colleges daily. She is excited at the opportunities and she knows her hard work has put her in this position to pick and choose where she wants to go.

Hang in there... just praise her and be there to make sure she knows the no matter what , you have her back.

This one of those hard parenting moments.
It sounds like you are doing everything "right" that is, not expecting perfection, praising effort and hard work vs.outcome, etc.
But as kids grow you will see that it is very difficult to change the way they are wired.
Why are some kids of outgoing parents shy? Why do some children of very intelligent parents struggle in school?
There has been a lot written about this, and it all comes down to the old nature vs. nurture myth. Of course there is a LOT you can do as a parent to shape your child, but fundamentally, she is who she is.
I'm not sure what my advice is other than to keep doing what you are doing, and yet accept that this just may very well be part of her personality. We have good friends whose daughter is like this, INCREDIBLY hard on herself, so much to the point that her dad had threatened to pull her out of competitive gymnastics because of her unsportsmanlike conduct. She's the sweetest girl you could imagine but if she doesn't do well in a meet--and by well I mean place at LEAST in the top three--she becomes furious and pouty. Her parents don't get it, and it IS frustrating, because it's all coming from HER, it's not like they expect her to place at all, they're just happy to see her out there doing her best!
Good luck, it's challenging for sure.