"Mommy You Are Not My Friend"- Alternatives Warranted?

"I am so cross. I wanted choc milk in the white cup. You are not my friend. I am not talking with you. "
Those are his exact words? Does he always get so "cross" about inconsequential things?

I always told/tell my son that I am his mom, not his friend.

How about the old, tried & true: You get what you get and you don't have a fit"?

I also have always told mine: You don't have to like everyone at school, but you DO have to respect everyone. Everyone has the same right to be there as you do."

This is just a phrase and a phase-- sort of like when I had to listen to a year of preschoolers go "WHAT the WHATTY?" and tried not to rip my hair out.

Just focus on the problem the kid is having and I wouldn't pay much mind about the 'friend' comments unless it is addressed to another child.

See, in my opinion, I'm NOT my son's friend, so this isn't really a concern for me. I'm his mom, not his friend. If and when I hear this sort of talk, I really just try to address the problem the child is having with the situation.

Try to remember, even seven year olds on the playground will be screaming and crying at each other saying "you're not my friend" yet, lo and behold, a few days later, they are buddies again.

Don't give a phrase you aren't fond of a lot of attention; just correct it if it's directed at a real friend. ("You sound frustrated. What seems to be the problem?)

I agree with giving him more appropriate phrases for given situations. My daughter was calling me a "bad mommy" a couple years ago. It was a little funny because 5 minutes later she would be all over me with I love you and you're the best.
Anyway, for the milk situation, give him a phrase to do with being disappointed or frustrated. If someone does something he doesn't like teach him to tell them that ie I don't like that, I don't want to play that. In general, it is good to give kids alternative expressions to help expand their language. Like you said, he is using what he knows to express how he is feeling.

Ignore it.

Fact is, you're not his "friend." You're his mommy. I wouldn't pay it any attention. Just a nod, mildly concerned look and a "Mmm. I see."

In this case, with your milk cup crisis, I love the part of "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" that recommends using wishes to help validate his feelings.

"Oh man! You really want that white cup, but it's dirty in the dishwasher. I wish we had 10 white cups so you could have milk in a white cup! Or 20!"

"Yeah! I want 100 white cups!"

"OR 1,000!"

"Or a MILLION!"

And keep going until it's silly. Then he might agree to use the gray cup, or you can suggest: "Well, I could put milk in this clean gray cup, and you can use it until the white cup is clean. What do you think?"

ETA: Regarding him saying "You're not my friend" to others, I'd ignore the phrase, which he is only testing out because it seems to have some power, as NYMetromom describes. I'd instead help him to identify his feelings. "Wow. You seem really mad that you can't use that thing!" Let him speak to his anger. Nod. Look serious. "Oh, your face looks sad right now." Tilt your head, look concerned. Wait. Let him get out whatever he needs to say, and then gently say, "Taylor has been a good friend to you. Remember when he _________? Do you really think that he isn't your friend anymore?"

Some other helpful phrases I often use, and still use, are, "What do YOU think?" And, "Do you really believe that about yourself/that person?"

We parents LOVE to lecture, but I find the best responses come from requiring my boys to think for themselves, to learn the difference between emotions and logical thought.

ETA2: While it may be tempting to just shut him down with a "That's not how you talk to me and I'm not giving you what you want until you're polite." My personal opinion is that you're setting yourself for more upset. He's looking for an outlet for his frustration, and doesn't know yet how to deal with his emotions. Not teaching him how to identify and navigate his emotions will only cause more frustration and anger in the future. Helping him to self identify not only removes his misplaced vitriol toward mommy, but opens the door to communication with you in the future.

I don't want to be your friend. I'm your mother. Do you want to speak nicely and have milk in the grey cup, or continue this behavior and have no milk?

ETA: This will teach him that the behavior isn't appropriate. Gradually he will learn that he won't always get his way. You can already explained that the cup was dirty. My husband used to sing, "You can't always get what you want," to our boys which infuriated them, but they remembered it and they got the picture.

For the friends, you can talk to him about being a good friend. Role play the situations where he may be saying this to friends and offer alternatives. Help him see things from their perspective.

In preschool my daughter would say "you're not my best friend" or "You're not coming to my birthday party". In preschool birhtday parties were the social event of the week/month and being someone's best friend is to feel completely accepted.

It's a stage - they've learned in their little class, at this age, that having a best friend is to have power and being someone's best firend is to feel accepted. To be told you're not someone's best friend is to be rejected. So your little guy is communciating with the most powerful weapons he has - acceptance and rejection.

I always giggled and ignored my daughter when she would tell me I couldn't come to her birthday party. I figured ignoring negative expressions is more effective (she hated to be ignored) than tryingi to reason with a 3 or 4 yr old.

If I had a buck for every time my kids (6 and 4) told me they "hated me", "I wasn't their friend", "mommy's mean", "mommy's not being nice", etc.... I would not have to work anymore. Turns out I'm pretty evil when I don't give them everything they want. And during a tantrum, when I've had enough, my favorite response is "I can get a LOT meaner!".

You'll see this kind of stuff increase the more time that he spends at school. And depending on your mood at the time, you can either tell him that "no, you're his mommy, and that's different", or ignore it.

Honestly I wouldn't put too much effort into correcting it.

I usually laughed at that one, and followed it up with, "You're right, I'm not your friend, I'm your mommy."

Yep ... My oldest is nearly 4 and I get this all the time too. I usually so something like ... "Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way, but you still have to be nice and respectful to everyone ... Even if they're not your friend."

When he says it he is trying to express his feelings. If he says it to you or your husband explain that you are his parents and not his friends.

I would try to explain that not everyone agrees and that's OK. He needs to learn how to express himself when he doesn't like/or agree with someone else. A simple "I don't agree with you" or "I don't like that" would be fine at his age.

And giving the choice of the grey cup or nothing is what I would have done too.

It's a phase, and an annoying one.

"You're right, I'm not your friend, I'm your mom" is a good one to start with now because you will need it a lot more through the tween and teen years.

Teach him "I'm frustrated" or "I'm annoyed", even if it's "I'm annoyed with YOU" or "with Johnny" - try to get across the idea that, if friends don't always agree or do exactly what we want, but we don't give up friendships. You can model that back to him when he does something wrong, "I'm really angry that you aren't cleaning up. I will always love you though. But I'm still really really angry." They need to learn that you taking away the attention or privileges from them is not connected with a lack of love. It takes a while to transfer that to "not my friend" but keep at it. You can also respond to "Jimmy's not my friend" with "That's too bad that you would give up a friend over a puzzle. I like Jimmy a lot and I think he will always have a lot of friends. I hope you decide to be one of them even when you are angry about one thing." The other thing is to teach that it's good to tell your friend when you're upset, but it's not good to hurt them by taking away your friendship. But that takes some maturity for him to get!

You did great with the "choice of cup" thing and not buying into the drama.

I wouldn't worry about it much at this age. He's trying to express that he's unhappy with you. You might say, "I understand you are upset, and you're allowed to be upset sometimes. But I am your mother and I always will be." or something simple. Or you can, when he is misbehaving, say, "DS, I love you, but I am disappointed in your behavior right now." Try to teach him the relationship is more than the actions at that moment.

All I can say is I would have shut this kind of conversation down sooner. As soon as he was disrespectful, (at the moment he said "I'm not talking to you"), I would have said "That is not how we speak to people, and you don't get any milk until you are ready to be polite." and walked away and put the cup into the fridge.

Then when he came back asking for milk, I would have made him ask politely and then I would have handed him the grey cup and reminded him to say Thank you if he didn't on his own.

I get that he's 4 and trying this out as a manipulative tactic. All kids do it. But I agree with your HD that it's rude, and I'd shut it down.

ETA: For your SWH...it depends on the situation. If it's a aggression/physical/bullying type situation, I role modeled with mine how to say "I don't like what you are doing. You need to stop." And if they don't stop, you tell an adult.

But if it's a case of you want to play tag but I don't, I can say "I don't want to play that game. I'm going to go play hide and seek." That sometimes leads to another conversation in which I have to remind my kids that no, the other child doesn't have to play hide and seek when he wants to play tag. He has a choice just like you have a choice. Either work it out, or each of you go play with someone else.

F., I don't remember how many kid you have, but with 2 boys, I get a LOT of teachable moments in which to help my kids work through this type of stuff.

I didn't make it into silliness or try to teach any kind of big lesson. I just approached like an adult would.

child: I want milk in the white cup!
adult: Well, the white cup is dirty, we only have the grey cup.
child: Well (if I can't get what I want) you're mean/you're not my friend/etc.
Adult: I know it is frustrating not to get the milk in the cup you want, but you'll have to use this grey one this time. Maybe the white one will be clean the next time..

If he continues... ask him what can be done, since he can't use a dirty cup.

Ignore his comments about being your friend. He is trying to express his frustration with the situation and he knows you are in control of it and he is not. The reality is that you *could* choose to let him use the dirty white cup, and he knows it. But you know better than to use a dirty cup, so that isn't going to happen, and he is angry with you because you have the power to give him what he wants (even if it doesn't make any sense).
It's perfectly ok for him to be angry or disappointed, or whatever. It doesn't change the fact that he still can't have what he wants. So acknowledge his frustration.
Don't play it up (eventually it might get silly, or he might just feel like you made fun of him...). Just acknowledge how he sees it. He DOES see it that way.
It does not mean, however, that you have to give in, or be rude, or anything else. Acknowledge it and address the problem. It's dirty. He can't use it. What are the alternatives?

As I see it, they are these: He can wait to have chocolate milk until the cup he wants is clean. He could wash said cup himself (?). He could use another cup. Those are all appropriate alternatives. You could ask him to brainstorm solutions, or provide them and let him choose.

Your job is not to have him like you or not be upset over the problem. Your job is to help him move through the problem solving stage.

sounds to me as if he's expressing himself beautifully, and you're responding appropriately.
no doubt he'll test it out on friends. it's what they do. let him do it, and experience how it's received. maybe ask him from time to time how it worked out for him. but do it in an interested way, not a scornful one. (not that you would.)
he honestly sounds like a delightful little peach to me!
:) khairete
S.

I'm torn in my answer to you, B.. I want to say that you should tell him that it is not nice to say to someone "You aren't my friend". The reason is because it's a hurtful thing for his friends to hear and then they start saying it to their friends.

Honestly, I would not tell him that you are cross that you can't do what he wants. Children have to learn that they don't get everything and they also have to learn that you're okay with that. Boys especially don't need long explanations.

I know that you are thinking about his verbal development. But there are plenty of ways to allow him that. Hurting others' feelings doesn't have to be part of it.

I remember this phase all too well.

DS: Momma you're not my friend!
ME: You're absolutely right, I'm your mother, now watch your tone and how you speak to me.

My DS is now 20 and sometimes I still need to remind him I'm not one of his friends but oddly enough he feels just that comfortable with me and my husband, his stepfather, that sometimes he just lets it fly. LOL We figure we will lighten up some when he turns 25 or is out of the house and on his own which ever comes first. LOL

Hang in there, seems like a long road but it flies by.

It's a phase they all go thru. It will pass until he becomes a teenager.

Just turn it around on him :) "I know, it's such a bummer that you didn't get the white cup because I'm the meanest mommie in the world and it's so unfair that I won't give you the white cup because I'm not your friend, I'm your worst enemy. Too bad you don't have a nicer mom. Do you want the other cup or not? If so, get it yourself since you were being rude." or "Hey, how about now you don't get any milk if you're going to be rude."

This type of thing usually makes my kids laugh and say, "Nuh, uh, mom, you're not mean, you're not as mean as so and so's mom." Or else they don't try it, or they just go get their own milk, even my five year old. Anyone who complained about colors of stuff or whatever not got far with that.

When it's not joke-worthy because they're being disrespectful or pitching fits, i draw the line and give a stern warning.

Ether way, I never try to agree with their grievance (encourage the complaining). Seems like that could backfire.

If you're strong in your stance, he'll be strong in his when he faces disappointments with others. I've seen my kids deflect the attempts of kids to "get their goats" by making it all a joke, or firmly putting those kids in their place.

If a bully came up to your kid and insulted him by saying, "Your clothes are ugly and you're stupid", you wouldn't want your son to say, "You're absolutely right, i am ugly and stupid and how can I appease you?" You'd want your son to blow it off and move on, or tell the kid he was being mean and to shove off.

In school I tell the students "You are not my friend, means I do not want to play with you right now " and redirect them to say it.
At home you could translate for him, " you mean to say "I am upset' "and make him say that.

I think you are WAY overthinking this. When your son doesn't get his way and says something like "you're not my friend" well, I would just shrug and say, oh that's too bad, and go about my business.
Really, unless he is very dim, or slow, he's going to learn that pouting when you don't get your way is something NO one likes. Just like he will learn that being kind, sharing, taking turns, etc. makes for better relationships.
Trust me FB, you don't need to actually TEACH your son every single lesson in life, I imagine he is a smart boy who, like most children, learn quite well by modeling the people around him.

This doesn't answer the question (you have good answers below) but I get the "I am cross" thing. My husband is British, and our daughter (now 13) actually really likes the term "cross" as an alternative to "angry" or "annoyed" because she feels the term "cross" is somewhat softer and more transient-sounding than angry, and won't make other people (usually me) feel quite as bad if she says it! So I smiled at your young kid using cross that way. My kid also slides easily into "flat" instead of apartment when we stay in a flat in England, and knows that it's socially vital to say "trousers" instead of "pants" when we're there if she's referring to the outer garment and not the underwear....I hope you get to take your son back to Britain enough as he gets older that he feels at home there. It's been great to have our daughter really know the English town we visit each year!

I have been "meanie Mommy" for years!! =)

My daughter said once, "you are being mean to me, I am going to call your mommy". HA!

When my kids said "I don't like you", I would answer "well you aren't my most favorite person either" or "great, I must be doing my job because I'm Mom not your friend".

This is a phase and you will enter into it again in teenage years. Understand that right now you are brilliant. In a few years you will be as dumb as dirt. Then, when they get in their 20s, its a miracle you are brilliant again.

I probably would have shut it down when he said he wasn't talking to you. They need to understand the boundaries of parent/kiddo. They don't have to be thrilled but they do need to be respectful.

My Mom always said that it was her job to civilize my brother and I. She was right.

Yeah - they all try playing that card at one time or another.
I think our son was about 4 when tried that with me.
He was angry that I didn't let him stay longer to play after school and it was time to go.
Without skipping a beat I told him he was absolutely right - I'm not his friend.
I'm your Mom and that's better because friends come and go but I'm with him through thick and thin, to help him when he's sick, to comfort him when he's sad, to still love him even if he's mad, etc.
Fortunately he was never one to stew in a funk for long.
Usually a mood like that meant he needed a nap.

As far as saying it to friends goes, it's fine to be mad at your friends sometimes - and sometimes your friends are mad at you, but you're still friends and you'll get over it.
It's best not to say things you don't mean - sometimes you can't take things back and un-hurt other peoples feelings.
If you're mad, say you're mad - and that's enough.