Am I the ONLY New Mom About to Lose Her Marbles

Hi A.!

Hang in there! My kids are three and five. I could hardly wait for my oldest to start kindergarten this year. Most of the moms I talk too are the opposite. I would have sent her last year if they would have taken her! My friends are appalled that I don't want to spend every waking moment with my child.

I am a better mom when I have something that is just for me. Sometimes, it's coffee with a friend. Other times it's staying up late to read a good book. Every weekend, my husband gets up with the kids on one of the days. Yes, they are soooo loud they wake me up, but I stay in bed dozing off and on.

About the cooking... my youngest once heard the microwave beep and said "dinner's ready!" While I enjoy cooking, we eat A LOT of meals-in-a-box.

You can have everything, just not at the same time.

There was a cartoon in the paper last week about the glass being half full or half empty. The final panel had the woman seeing her house half-clean (rather than unkempt).

Good luck!!!

First, it is completely normal to feel resentment that your life has changed so drastically and your husband's hasn't. A huge chunk of that resentment stems from the fact that your job defines, in a large part, who you are. You have just had to completely re-define who you are (over-night, as it were) and it is not a comfortable feeling.

Second, you are also missing the affirmation that co-workers would automatically give that you are doing a good job, which is kind of a blow to the self-esteem.

Third, further, you probably have only a fraction of adult contact that you used to have. Let's face it. Babies don't have much in the way of conversation, and you go sort of stir-crazy just talking to them all day.

Fourth, in addition to having to take care of yourself, you have to make sure that all of the needs of another human being are met. Your hubby can go out to lunch with buddies at work at the drop of a hat. You need to make sure that baby is changed, fed, napped, has toys and stocked diaper bag, is warm enough, won't be out during feeding or nap time, and what arrangements can be made if he is. The list goes on...

Fifth, last but not at all the least, you have very little time for yourself unless you absolutely insist on it. Then you feel guilty for doing it. Trust me, you NEED it. You will come back refreshed and better able to deal with anything that comes your way if you know you will get time to yourself. (My time to myself is at 4:30am when a friend and I go walking. We go at that time so we don't have to worry about kids, we get exercise, AND we get adult time. Then we come home and go back to sleep.)

Make your hubby read this. It might give him some insight into the mommy mind-set.

K.
(a former corporate high-tech start-up employee who has re-defined herself as her daughter's mom)

P.S. And NO, you aren't the only one feeling the same way. The others just don't say anything because they all think they are the only ones feeling that way, so are embarrassed to say anything about it. Go VENT, girl. You'd be amazed at the flood-gates you will open in others.

A friend who is also a first time Mom called me when her son was 4 months old. She was so frustrated that she was almost in tears, but was appalled at herself for being frustrated at all. She thought that something must be wrong, because "good" moms weren't supposed to feel that way. After all, I was so "strong/organized/active" and never complained. She was very surprised and releived when I told her I'd had those same feelings over the years.

You are not alone. The first year is the hardest and it isn't just the lack of sleep. Your hormones are all over the place. Also being a SAHM is lonely.

I know when I had my daughter I felt that because my husband was working and I was staying home that I had to do everything. I didn't require him to get up doing the night. I felt that everything with the baby and keeping the house clean and cooking was on me because I was at home. But I was also jealous. He got to have the same routine. He got sleep. He got to do whatever he wanted.

The truth is we can't do everything. You are working a 24h/7d job. You can and should ask your husband regularly to give you a break and take care of the baby. This will be good for both you and your husband's relationship with the baby. It is really good for him to have bonding time with the baby. AND even a hour a day away will make you feel just a little less crazy.

Being a mother is not an easy job. I always felt like I was supposed to LOVE being a mom all the time and the amount of work and responsibility is SO undervalued and underappreciated. Please give yourself a break and if it's at all possible, ask for help occasionally so you can do something to rejuvenate yourself, in whatever way works for you.

Plus on top of it all you're a stepmom! That's a challenge in itself, nevermind having a 6 month old baby. 90% of the time, I am so grateful to be a mother, but then there's the 10% where I'm tearing my hair out and need time for myself even now.

I remember I had a hard time with breastfeeding because having a little person attached to my breast 24 / 7 (or so it felt) was more than I could bear. I loved the IDEA of breastfeeding, but not the reality. I felt so guilty for so long that I didn't like it and ended it long before I had originally planned for their health. So I know exactly how you feel. I still feel pangs of guilt every now and then about the breastfeeding, but at the time, I had to let it go to keep my sanity.

What's most important is to take care of yourself as well as your children. Let go of high standards and ask for help when you need it. As far as the cooking thing goes, this is 2008, my husband cooks as much as I do even though he's the "breadwinner!" Granted he's home almost as much as I am, but my point is to make your marriage and parenting yours not what you think someone else thinks it should be...

You'll Find Your Marbles in a Few Years LOL!!! A.

I've been a stay at home mom for 15 years and I love my children with everything I have. But even to this day there are days when I think it would have been a better idea to have never gotten married and never had kids.

I too was the mom who CELEBRATED when her kids went to school. Heck my kids are just happy now that I have to take them to school so they don't have to see the happy mommy first day of school dance anymore. My kids got on the bus (before they became transfer students) on the first day of school and got to see me DANCING down the street back toward home singing LOUDLY "celebrate good times come on".

Frustration is normal, especially if you're doing EVERYTHING when it comes to the kids and the house. Yes he makes the money, but he is STILL a citizen of the household and has responsibilities there also.

You AREN'T a bad mom ... even if you decide being a stay at home isn't for you. It's not for everyone. Let go of the guilt and the preconcieved notions of what it "should be" and how you "should" feel. You feel what you feel and feelings aren't right or wrong ... they just are. And as one other poster suggested maybe a part-time job would be the perfect solution for you.

Look at all your options and figure out what works best FOR YOU. There is no perfect way to raise kids, except to love them and teach them the things you think are most important in life. And sit down and talk with your husband about all this, you might be surprised to find he's more willing than you think to take on more to give you some rest.

Cause as the old saying goes "If Mama ain't happy ... ain't NO ONE happy".

Nope, you're not the only one. I have the same thoughts, and sometimes worse on the nights when I'm only get an hour or less of sleep at a time. I just keep focusing on it does get better! He will sleep through the night!!! He won't always be attached to my body or biting me!! I lost my marbles and haven't had time to look for them. I too feel like I have to take care of him, do the night thing all the time so my bf can sleep so he can go to work, keep the house clean, the laundry done and make dinner for us. He has started to take on extra things to help me out without being asked. IF your husband doesn't take the initiative, maybe you need to have a sit down with him and tell him what you need to be a sane person and a better wife and mom.
Where was he when your stepson was hurting??? He should be his responsibility. Yes, you're the surrogate parent, but you didn't bring him in to the world so there are some boundaries as well.
THe other moms have already stated the obvious with getting some time to yourself. I am a SAHM as well and it's depressing and lonely. I don't have time to go out and try to meet new people with moms because of my son's ever changing sleep cycles and trying to get a handle on all that.
Try to get some rest even if you have to just put your son in his crib while you lay down. Babies need some down time too!

A., you are not the only mom about to lose your marble or who feels the way you feel. I can completely relate. Everything you stated is right on with where I was and still am sometimes. I honestly thought I was going batty too. I had a profession I loved and continue to miss often. Guilt seems to be par for the course and struggling with those feelings is so hard. I too appreciate being able to stay home, but I also miss feeling like myself. Does that sound selfish? To some it probably does, but it's so hard to explain. It's especially hard when it seems to be a taboo subject with other moms. I certainly don't want to say, "Welcome to Motherhood" because I don't think it has to be this way. One thing that really helped/helps me is to talk about it with my husband in terms of having real ways he can help give me a break once in a while. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could talk about it with my husband. I still need to work on the communicating part, but I feel so badly when he works so hard and sometimes ends up having to do overtime due to the demands of his job. I'm a work in progress just like my husband is in terms of being a dad. I too struggle with the thought of going back to work just to have a break, but more importantly because I really miss it. I'm currently on a leave of absence and will probably go back to teaching next fall. My son will be two and a half then. Am I feeling guilty for wanting to go back to work? You bet. Do I think I'm a bad mother for having these feelings? No, but I need to work it through and I certainly don't think it will be easy either way. I think feeling inept is normal. It's funny because my husband will take our son over to his parents for two hours on a Saturday once in a while so I can get some things done. I know it doesn't sound like a break, but actually getting some cleaning done without interruption feels sooOOOO good. I've also started getting my hair colored every two months and that is sort of a break or nice treat I can enjoy. Okay, so after the two hours my husband spent with my son this past Saturday, he mentioned that it was really hard as our 19 month old entered the saying "No" to everything phase literally in one day. I had to laugh, not in a mean way but I had to say he only had two hours. He said he felt so incapable and I said I feel like that all the time. His response, "but you're much better at this than I am." Sure, it may seem that way only because I have to deal with and sometimes just survive each day with trying to figure out how to handle things differently in understanding a toddler. It's only because I am always with my son. Would I trade this time with him? No. A friend shared a thought with me and I remind myself of this all the time, "The days are long, but the years are short." I didn't find out about Mamasource until my son was 6 months old and I'm so thankful I did. It allows us to be more honest I think than we would be on a playground. Stop beating yourself up for feeling the way you do. Try to script a conversation in your head with your husband. Be honest about how you feel so torn, but also share with him some constructive ways he can help you. He will want to help you and will want to know exactly what he can do to help. Also, take one day at a time. I cannot believe how quickly time passes. Each night as I fall asleep, I try to remember one thing my son did that touched my heart or made me laugh. Thank you for sharing and for helping me remember how normal this process really is. All the best to you and your family.

A.,

You are not alone. I know plenty of other moms who are just like you at times--including myself! My advice to you is give yourself a break, and stop trying to be SUPERMOM! When you compare yourself to others,you will feel inadaquate. I would focus on all the good things you are doing right and forget the rest. You sound like an awesome mom! As far as advice, have your husband take the kids for a while while you get out of the house. You deserve a break-- being a stay at home mom is hard work-- its beyond a full-time job then you just don't get paid for-- so take some time for yourself to recharge and relax.

Hope I didn't ramble too much--- I am pregnant and haven't had much sleep!

Take care,
Molly

You feel what you feel, so telling you that you are selfish is irrelevant. Anyway "selfish" has nothing to do with it.

Why not get a part time job, maybe two days a week? I never felt quite as dissatisfied with being a SAHM as you do, but in hindsight I can see that I would have enjoyed the experience more if I had been able to get away from it sometimes. Even if the pay only equals the cost of child care, it sounds like it would be worth it for you to get away for a couple of days.

The day my last child went off to kindergarten, I soaked up the feeling of being alone like it was (name that simile) a fine wine, an exotic vacation, a gift from god. And then it took about three months of just being alone in the house for THREE WHOLE HOURS! to get my fill of aloneness after being with kids full time for 8 years. So I understand your feelings. I think you're pretty normal.

What? Being a SAHM isn't all sunshine and roses!? REALLY? Kidding. Of course you are normal and of course you are not being selfish. A little baby of 6 months is particularly draining! Teething, unable to communicate, getting heavier, cannot crawl and wants all of your attention...esh, exhausting.

A., I'll be brief because of the long posts before mine but I second what most of the women have posted. Give yourself some "me" time. Stop expecting yourself to be perfect 'Leave It To Beaver' was a tv show not at all reality. Be okay with being jealous of your husband’s freedom and know that he is jealous of your connection to your kids. Neither role is without sacrifice. Don't think that because you are a SAHM that you cannot ask your husband for help. He pays the bills it doesn't mean you are now 24/7 on duty and I doubt he expects you to be (it's typically a self induced job description).

I become more and more "passionate" about things the more and more I educate myself about them. Maybe if you checked out a few infant/child development (NOT PARENTING) books it will give you a new perspective on raising your child. More of a studying his behavior and recognizing it in the phases outlined. This also allows you to preplan activities to help them developmentally. More like a job...?

Also, 6 months is not too early to start texture projects. So lay down butcher paper, put your diapered baby in the middle and give him play dough, paint, a tub of water, a tub of shaving cream etc and let him go to town. Watching him explore his world and put thing together because of YOU and the environment YOU provided just might help you feel a little better about your new role.

Good luck A. and hang in there!

xoxo,
T.

p.s.
looks like I've rambled in spite of my best attempts not to! Darn it! :)

p.p.s.
too add to the rambling..maybe your more of a one-on-one playdate kind of gal. Somehow, in group playdates I always manage to feel a little out of place. With one-on-one the conversation flowed easily and flaws in me and my child were more warmly received. Though I bet you money if you said to those ladies "wow, you all seem like this is so easy and so natural" you would open up a panel like this one filled with confirmation that you are NOT alone and looks can be deceiving.

Nope, you're not alone!

Two thoughts:

1) Have you talked to your doctor about post-partum depression? I'm not a doctor but I'm getting the impression that you have it. It's easily treated with medication and you'll feel like a new person. (Been there, done that - twice!)

2) Is there any reason you couldn't go back to work part-time and see how it goes? I know most people say being a SAHM is the end-all, be-all goal of motherhood, but some of us NEED to go to work for our own sanity. I won't say I don't wonder sometimes what it would be like to stay home, but I enjoy my job and my work is part of who I am. Don't feel guilty if you want to work. Your kids will still turn out great.

What you're feeling is totally normal, in my opinion. I know that you probably had the idea before the baby was born that everything would be like a Hallmark commercial - at least, that was how I thought it would be! I was so surprised at how... HARD... everything was once the baby arrived. The mental and physical exhaustion can take their toll. The good news is, as the baby gets older, IT GETS EASIER!! Hang in there - you're not alone.

Hi A.~

Hang in there, girl. You are not alone and these feelings are totally normal. I remember when my 1st was 3 months old I cried and cried because I wanted my day job back. I was feeling just like you... tired, unappreciated, thought I was a bad mom, jealous that my husband got to have coffee breaks, go out to lunch and eat with TWO hands... I was a mess. The first year really is very difficult for some. Don't throw your hands up just yet, it really does get better. I know many moms work because they have no choice, but if you have a choice, you really should stay home with your baby. You chose to be a mom and the best thing for your little guy is to have you or daddy home everyday with him. You'll have plenty of time when he's in school full time to suit your "workforce" needs.

Since you have several years before that day comes, you need to make sure a few things happen to help your marbles. First, tell your husband how you are feeling, without whining. Tell him you're feeling a little down and could use a little pep talk about why staying home is so important. I'm sure he'll gladly give you several reasons.

Also, make sure you schedule some time to yourself. I know it is difficult, especially if the babe is still nursing, but an hour away is so nice. So, work with your husband to figure out when you can get that time. And don't assume from week to week that he'll remember. You really have to be the one to schedule the time for yourself. Get coffee with a friend, have a massage, wander the aisles of Target by yourself (I always like that one), go out to dinner or dessert by yourself or with a friend, take a class at the community center.

Also, make sure you are exercising. Get the baby in the stroller everyday and go for a 30 minute walk. Get the endorphins going... it will instantly cheer you up.

Lastly, check your local hospital for a "new moms group". We have one here in Folsom at Mercy and I'm telling you it saved my sanity. Not only did we talk about solutions to baby-related problems (can't sleep, won't take a bottle, has dry skin, etc) but we also talked about our feelings as new moms, jealousy of our husbands, general tiredness, etc. It wasn't a big gripefest, but once in a while it was nice to hear that I wasn't the only one feeling this way and we helped each other through it with support and suggestions.

I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job. Staying home with your baby is not an easy job, but it's an important one. So, stay with the job you signed up for, hang in there and maybe some of the above will help you keep your marbles.

~A.

you're not crazy. i was also quite annoyed with the fact that new moms didn't complain more. i vowed to always tell the truth when people asked me how i was doing, or how i "liked" motherhood. i cann totally relate to you rfeelings. it does get better...even with your partner. he needs to understand that his life will just have to get harder now that he is DAD. he needs to take on something regular, like the nightly bath or feeding time. or take the baby for a walk (he'll get good exercise too) for half an hour each day, or at least on weekends. it's just not optional. he shouldn't have had kids if he wanted his life to stay the same. you're sacrificing EVERYTHING, why shouldn't he as well?

as for you, get a babysitter once in a while! put the baby in day care a couple mornings a week! i don't know how SAHMs do it, taking care of the baby 24 hours a day. it's not normal and it's not healthy to be the ONLY ONE watching your kid. you need help. and if you are stressed and overworked, the entire household is going to suffer. your partner is going to suffer too. any sex happening? when my guy wanted sex, i'd tell him i was too damn exhausted and could think of a million other things that were more important to do when the baby was sleeping. "if you want sex, then wash the dishes. if you want sex, get a babysitter."

anyway, i highly recommend getting the kid out of your hands on a regular basis. IT IS THE BEST FOR YOU, THE BABY AND YOUR PARTNER! you need to be taken care of too. BEING A MOM IS HARD AS HELL! IT'S THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE!!! yell it out loud and proud. folks need to hear.

good luck and thanks for reaching out to us!

once a month if not more you should go get a pedicure, or do something without the family. take a book or a trashy people mag and go get something nice done for yourself. you will come home revived. it helps me!

Staying at home is a thousand times harder than working because of the isolation, constantly picking up, accomplishing little or nothing and lack of time to yourself. I stayed home for ten years, "dropped my basket", lost my marriage and, in hindsight, I should have made better plans.

Allow yourself some time, even though you don't feel you deserve it. GET A MOTHERS GROUP and use each other for days off. Take a class, sleep with your husband, and dismiss all feelings of "Oh, I should be doing something for the kids". Reach out to others. When you are frustrated, write or video tape, or photograph where you are and what's going on.

This won't last forever. This is just this chapter. Know that all of our hearts are concentrating on you and pulling for you.

R.