Am I Selfish? - Fort Worth,TX

No. I am like you with that respect. Maybe she thought he would like to hear from someone or because you keep calling her. You are not selfish. You keep calling to find out how he's doing.

My brother got stung on the tongue by a bee and he swelled up and was admitted too. It is the funniest thing to see. He could not talk. I would have to be on Valium or something due to it being so scary to me to feel like that. I think you did right by calling her instead of him. He was not able to do the phone.

Well... you're calling her every few hours for checks on your 47 year old brother's wasp sting while he's in the hospital? I get that he's probably very allergic (I am too, very much so) but honestly why don't you just call the nurse's desk on the floor your brother is on? Ask them how he's doing, and if he's able to take phone calls in his room. If he's willing and able then ask them to connect you to his room. It shouldn't be so complicated to get updates, you know?

I don't know anyone who doesn't like to hear from people when they're staying in the hospital. When I was stuck in the hospital for 5 days last October it meant a lot to me that people called to check on me rather than going through my mom or my husband. And when I wasn't up to phone calls I turned off my cell phone AND the hospital phone. No big deal.

EDITED TO ADD: Also, you're not selfish. You sound a little phone shy though. Does your brother have a cell phone and texting? If he does then how about texting him about how he's feeling and to let him know you're worried and thinking about him?

I don't get it. If your mother was at work and not with your brother, why would she know what was going on with your brother?

And why would her asking you if you wanted to call your brother upset you and make you feel like a bad person??

I'm confused.

How does your mom learn about his situation if she is not at the hospital with him? You can check on him the same way.

To be honest, if I were your brother, I would really be hurt and disappointed in you. Sorry to be direct but you asked the question.

It would be nice if you try to contact him directly. At the least, you can call the hospital and talk with a nurse, see if he is able to talk. If not, they can tell him you called to check on him. But I think it is best to actually go visit him as soon as possible!

This is EXACTLY why I love texting :)

But no, I don't think you're a bad person. I think that your idea of polite and considerate behavior is different than your mothers. BOTH of you are trying to do what you feel is kindest, it's just 2 different things.

You're definitely not a bad person! I think it's quite considerate of you. The only thing I would do is to maybe email or text him to let him know you've been checking up on him through your mom. That way he doesn't feel neglected if he were to think you weren't bothering to check on him.

I don't know if that makes sense. When we've been in the hospital with my daughter (several different times...open heart surgery & then later she needed blood/platelet transfusions), it was helpful not having any phone calls. My mom called, but I was too emotional to talk, so I emailed her back or my hubby would make the calls. Other people were concerned, and email was easier to communicate with. But I really appreciated having some type of contact with people...just not phone calls. It helps us feel supported & loved through it. So, that's my only suggestion...make sure he knows you're there and worried and checking on him.

I don't think selfish is the word to use. Personally I think you should call out of respect. Let him make the decision if he's in too much pain to talk, but you won't know till you call.

I think calling is better than not calling. No-one knows your reasoning when you don't call and they can easily not take a call if they feel bad or end it quickly. I call, I would rather let the person know that they are on my mind and I let them go asap if I can tell they aren't well enough to speak. It can come across like a cop out to not call, even if the motives are truly right. Anybody can say 'oh I wanted to call but...' However if you do take the time to call or visit there is no doubt you had the person's well being in mind. I think I'd give a quick call if I were you plus send word through your mom that you are thinking about him. Just my two cents ;)

if your mom tells him you called i think that's great. as long as he knows you are thinking about him that's what's important in my opinion.

Why can't you just go visit him & bring him a movie or some magazines? Maybe some balloons to brighten the room?

I'd be annoyed, too, if my own daughter couldn't be bothered to check on her brother herself.

I don't think you are being selfish. But I can see how someone else might feel. If you call the nurses station and ask how he is and if there is someone in the room with him, then they will let you know if he has someone there to talk with you or if he is in too much pain to talk etc. He might feel bad if he wants to hear from his family.

I agree with JessicaWessica, just call the nurses station. or Text him on his phone.. or leave him a message on his phone.

You're not being selfish. You are just using common sense.
But if you really feel guilty, just call him, say "I know it hurts and you can't talk well but I just wanted you to know that I care about you and now I will let you rest, I am sure you just want to sleep. Ring me if you need to."

Or just go an visit him in the hospital.

No, I don't think you're selfish, but I think you should call - even if he can't talk right now, he'd probably be happy that you did.

Even better, you should visit him if you can. Don't know if you're close by, but being in the hospital sucks and anything you could do (bring him a magazine or even some food), would make him feel better.

I don't think it's selfish, it's the opposite because you are thinking of how your call might affect him physically. Could you go visit, or text him, like others suggested? You could try calling the nurse's station, but anymore they won't be able to give you any information if you aren't "on the list" of approved people. When my mom had knee surgery recently, you actually had to have a pin number to give to the nurse to get any info out of them. So, just be aware that they might not tell you much.

I don't think you're a bad person, but if my sister, my only sibling, was in the hospital, I'd call her. Even if she couldn't talk, a nurse or someone at the nurses station could get a message to her that I called.
I can't imagine being stung in the mouth, but it must suck. Even if your brother can't really talk well, he can hear your voice or at least get the message you tried to call him.
I've been in the hospital more times than I can say, most recently in December when I spent my first part of my stay in ICU. I didn't want anyone seeing me like that, especially my kids who are 24 and 15, and I couldn't always talk, but they were able to call the ICU nurses and they told me EVERY time someone called for me and they dialed the phone out so I could briefly let people know I was hanging in there.

I think it's important to let people know you care and you're thinking about them. Sometimes, it's not enough to say, "I'm glad you're better. I hope you know I talked to so and so and they said you were okay so that's why I never called."
Make the effort. It will take you a few minutes to get the nurses station. They won't give you any private information about your brother's condition, but they will know if he can speak to you, when might be a good time to call back, or give him a message from you.

Just my opinion.

Its nice of you to call and check on him, but why cant you go to the hospital yourself to chek on him. Take a small gift and if hes asleep when you get there, leave a note with the gift and let him know your thinking about him. I dont think your being selfish, but maybe your mom is annoyed with the constant calling, maybe she thinks ou dont think hes important enough to check on him yourself. I understand him not talking and you not calling him, but hey he is your brother, make a little extra effort.

I hardly think that what you're doing puts you in the "bad person" category! BUT it might be annoying to your mom when she is at work. You could call the nurse's station as someone else suggested. Or just call him and say "Hi Joe, it's B.. I know you can't really talk but I wanted to call you & say hello." Then see how he manages from there.

She might just be annoyed that you are calling her so frequently to check on him when you could easily call him. If he can talk he will pick up, if not he most likely ignore the phone. It sounds like she just maybe tired herself. Give her a break (some time to unwind), and if you would still rather go through her, just keep to once or twice a day. If there is an change for the worse, I am sure she would let you know. You are probably not the only one calling her to check on him.

can you text him or send him something? I assume you aren't in the same city or you would go see him? If you can't call your brother, at least text him, email his phone, or if you have a joking relationship, maybe even send him a picture message of your self doing something silly. Just to cheer him up and let him know you are thinking about him. If it were my brother I would take a picture of wasp repellant with a bow on it and email that to him. But we like to joke.

Last time my brother was in the hospital I called down to the gift shop and had one of the ladies put together something for him. It was a Harley Davidson mug. I had them fill it with mini candy bars and tie a baloon to the handle. That's extravagant, but, you know that was 5 yrs ago and it's still his favorite coffee mug and he has told me more than once that it made a bad day better.

You are not a bad person since you obviously love your brother and are concerned for his welfare. But I think you are thinking about this entirely too much.

He is your brother, not a distant co-worker. Call him! He may have trouble talking but will still make some effort to speak to his sis. Or, how about texting him? Is there anyone these days who cannot text on their phone?

Your not a bad person at all for not calling your brother. I think by you calling your mom, you showed that you care about your brother. If I got stung in the mouth, i wouldn't want to talk either. Don't worry about it-- you did the right thing!

M