Thank you for bringing up this topic. We are just now moving into this uncharted territory at my house. I have the same concerns you do. Keep your answers coming ladies, I'm also soaking in all your wisdom!
My 12 year old does not get her phone in the morning until she is 100% done with her getting ready for the day responsibilities and ready to walk out the door to catch the bus. I am starting to get irritated when she gives me attitude about my asking her to turn off lights througout the morning (seriously she CANNOT remember to do this!) or find her socks/shoes before she can get her phone. Organization is not her strength. I have a feeling at some point I'm just going to not give it to her for the day if she gets too sassy. We may have that little chat tonight.
Typically, the walk to, bus stop, and bus ride to/from school is hers to talk and text all she wants.
At school, phones must be locked in lockers and turned off, or they are confiscated for a MINIMUM of one week. They cannot use them between classes or at lunch. If they are heard or even seen, they're taken. No problems with this rule so far, she is VERY motivated to not have that consequence. She knows we back the school rule 100%.
After school she has less than an hour before dinner, so it is her free time. I don't mind if she texts during this time.
We have a no phones at the home dinner table rule. When we go to a restaurant, my kids can have their electronics in the car on the drive there and while waiting for a table if there is a wait. Once we are seated, they hand them over. I sometimes hand them back if we have to wait a long time for the bill when we are finished.
After dinner, she does homework. Her grades are good. So far, I've not taken her phone while she is doing homework, but I will if I notice a problem with it. I'm liking what some of you had said about linking phone privileges to grades, in case hers ever start to slip. Her attitude on math is starting to turn ugly, as she was placed in a advanced class and now is challenged. I just want to see her best effort.
We have a no TV, movie, computer or video games rule after dinner rule on school nights, so other evening distraction is minimal.
At 9PM each school night, her phone is taken into our bedroom for the night.
Weekends are trickier. We've argued about her having the phone in her room all night on weekend nights. Haven't yet decided on this. She's active, always involved in at least one extra ciricular activity per season during the week and she is all about getting out and doing activities (like indoor rock climbing when her phone is locked in a locker) a good portion of the weekend, but still the texting is pervasive in her down time at home. I'd like to see her take better care of her room and clothes, and things. But we had these issues before the phone too, so I can't really blame it on texting.
Last Saturday she went to a cooking class her grandpa invited her to. Her Dad went too and he did say she was constantly checking back to her phone. I was livid because I TOLD her this would be rude, and yet I was not there, so she did it anyway. If grandpa invites her next time, she will be leaving the phone at home. Ettiquette is a work in progress. And a challenge to teach the values you want to your child, when so many adults and peers have a lack of technology manners, which all seems so normal in their world.