Am I Missing Something???

S.,

I am not sure if it is appropriate for me to reveal my profession, but after I read your story, I feel I must. I am a clinical psychologist and a consultant for the Department of Children and Family Services. Unfortunately, I see situations like this too often. I do not have much to offer in regards to smoothing things over with the sister-in-law but that does not seem to be what's important here. I am extremely concerned about what happened to your daughter. Until you know what happened, she should never be around those children unsupervised. You did not mention if the 10 year old is a boy. I am wondering if that child was around your daughter. I know your daughter may be upset about not seeing them for the holidays but her safety MUST come first.

Her safety comes first, not the relations with your boyfriend's family. It would be wrong to put your daughter at risk again, just to make the other mother feel better. And, be compassionate towards the other mom, she's in denial, because she just got horrifying news about her little boy. It is good that the father is willing to talk to his son about how what he did is wrong. And, the brother and sister are way too old to be showering together.

You need to find out how all this is affecting your daughter. There are women who are still dealing with issues stemming from similar incidences. It doesn't matter if it was all over the clothes. He touched her in a way that caused her pain? That's what really scares me! You need to be gentle and compassionate with your daughter. If she feels as if you are mad, then she won't tell you everything. Be her safe haven.

My best to you and your little girl,
M.

Trust your instincts. You noticed something was wrong and your instinct was to bring attention to all involved to put an end to any inappropriate actions towards your daughter. Don't be intimidated by defensive behavior on the boy's mother's part. As the parent, you need to ensure your daughter is respected in all manners (physically and emotionally) your daughter is far too young to know that sometimes even loved ones cannot be trusted. You did right to tell her to say "NO", but she will need to be told many times because she does not have long term memory.
In another response someone warned you about child protective services. It is true they can remove a child from a parents' custody, but only when the parent has failed to keep that child safe. In your case, you can protect your child by calling child protective services for guidance. Most people don't know you can call to consult without reporting. It is also very important to document how you have taken steps to protect your daughter, such as taking her to the doctor or a counselor. Your daughter probably wouln't be seen by a child psychologist unless there is strong evidence or confirmed evidence that she was abused. Again trust your instinct and there is nothing wrong with having to keep problem family members at a distance. Your daughter needs your solid protection before holiday dinners. Be strong and better to be safe than live with regrets.

No..you did not do anything wrong. I would stay away from her obviously she has poor parenting skills. No five year old should be taking a bath with her nine year old sis. Where is the privacy for the older child and boundaries. No wonder why the child is touching other children inappropiately. He is so curious. Mom needs set some boundaries in the if not she will soon get in trouble when he begins touching girls at school adn DCFS gets involved. Perhaps mom needs help herself if she does not see anything wrong. Just continue talking to your daughter and tell her NOT to allow anyone to touch her and continue to ask her details to make sure no one else has done the same. Perhaps an exam may be good.

S.,

My heart goes out to you. PLEASE do not take your daughter over there any more! IF this happened, and it sounds like it did, your little girl may be tramatized by seeing this little boy again. I understand that this is your boyfriends side of the family, but this is YOUR little girl, not his, even though he's been there with you. The sister-n-law has issues and I wouldn't want her around my daughter if that's how she is going to act. It doesn't sound like she is willing to protect your child. Please protect your child and to he** with hurting anyones feelings! If they can't handle you protecting your child, they do not deserve to be in your life! She comes first, not anyone else!
I wish you all the best!
E.

We had a similar incident with our friends and the mother was also very offended when we brought it to their attention. I think that this is a mother's natural first reaction. However, we do know that the father talked to the son about his behavior. We gave them their space for a few months and gradually started meeting up again. We were very clear with our daughter that she has our support and that she should talk to us if anything happens. We also made a point to demonstrate to our friends that we were comfortable with the kids playing together. There have been no repeat incidents and everyone gets along fine.

Since this mother seems a bit more defensive and angry, it may be best to keep your distance for awhile. This will ensure your daughter and you stay out of any drama she would like to create. You have nothing to feel bad about as your first concern is for your daughter's well being. If this mother does not understand that then perhaps she is missing something.

As for the holidays, don't stress about it. Things will work themselves out. Just go about your normal plans and don't get sucked into the family drama.

-g

Dear S.,
Your problem is very hurtful. I am especially concerned hearing about your boyfriend's sister -in law having such a mean response. Even if this woman had strong reason to disbelieve your daughters circumstances, she made no attempt to consider the sincerety of your worry. She might be a very abusive and manipulative individual. I think the fact that you aren't seeing them for the holidays is a blessing in disguise. Be strong. Everything will be all right, even if your boyfriend's sister-in -law doesn't come around.