Am I Cheap???

I would be thrilled if you took my kids and happy to pay! I think most people feel that way. For me it's just the first time we invite we pay. Or once it's established that the other family will take my kids places too, we end up alternating so it's basically even. Luckily I think everyone is good that way we hang out with. But if one mom was home a lot and wanted to do these outings more often than me, I would insist on paying. You are not being cheap at all.

I don't necessarily think you are cheap but honestly why would you take kids on outings twice a week that cost money in the first place? Don't you know how to just have kids over to play? To go for a hike or a bike ride? To go to a skate park or concert or movie night in the park?
Yes, if I invite kids to go to the movies or pool or other outings that cost money I pay because I am hosting. I come from the midwest and I suppose those values are embedded in my psyche.
However, I am also frugal and don't tend to just throw money around. I live within my means (mostly lol!) and I think it's silly to spend a bunch of money entertaining kids when really all they want to do is play and have fun. They don't need to go to a bowling alley or water park for that, to me that seems more like a special outing, like for a birthday or something.

To be honest it has never been an issue because, although I am happy to pay if I do the inviting, the other parent almost always sends money to cover expenses along with their child. I suppose if that did not happen most of the time I would not be able to as easily afford to always invite other kids along. But I never ask for payment, I just feel that if I am inviting them I should be able to pay for them if the parents can/do not.

I always have a hard time answering those questions because this doesn't seem like something I ever thought about. Each group of friends has their way and it works. We always paid for the other kids for something but those same kids would turn around and invite my kids and pay so in the end I was out no more money than if they paid. Not sure if that makes sense.

Say you invite three friends at 10 dollars a piece. You pay 40.

Then one of their friend's invites your kid and say the other two, that mom pays 40, you pay nothing. Then the other two do the same, everyone paid 40. If you had paid 10 each time you still paid 40.

This is usually how it always works, it is always equal. That yours looks different doesn't mean you are cheap, just different.

No, you're not cheap. If the other moms paid your childrens entrance fees or had your children over often to spend the night, I wouldn't expect that mom to pay $5-10 fees. Over that I would expect money for entrance fees. If expenses were close to evening out.

When my daughter was a child, I knew the moms. We were casual friends. We all worked. We mostly did not exchange money but reciprocated. The group of moms and children were maybe 4-5.

Sounds like you're taking several children several times. In that situation, I would expect to pay my child's fees. I'd also pay some extra, knowing the cost was more than the few.

In your situation, I'd expect to pay entrance fees for my child. I would be grateful that you included my child. I suggest you're an angel to include friends.

I would not be offended at all if my kid had to pay his own way. I always make sure my kid takes $ to do so when he's invited somewhere.

In my circle of friends, it's more common for the inviter to pay, and usually my kid comes home with the $ I sent with him. I think we figure it all comes out even in the end. But certainly if one parent, because of circumstances, did significantly more inviting than others like you do - it's not going to come close to even at the end of the summer - that changes things.

nope. you're realistic.
i took kids hither and yon whenever i could when i still had kids at home to take places. i loved having a carful of yout's with whom to have adventures.
what baffles me about modern parenting is why it's all so eeky and full of guesswork. i don't understand what's hard about being simple and clear. the ebb and flow of subtexts and unspoken expectations make me anxious.
so i don't do them.
email to the moms of all the kids i want to take somewhere. 'dears, i'm going to be spending the day at greenbriar lake on the 14th. want to dump your kid on me? send a towel, lunch, and the fee of $4. my car will hold 4 in addition to my lot.'
boom.
khairete
S.

It sounds like you take other kids (and even your own kids) on a lot more outings than most people do. So it makes sense to me that you wouldn't pay for everyone all the time. If you only invited one child somewhere once a month, that's different than inviting two kids twice a week. You are generous with your time and I bet you're right - the parents probably really do appreciate having the kids go somewhere fun, even if they pay their own way.

As others said, as long as you are upfront about the cost from the beginning, you don't really need to worry about it. If you do expect the parents to pay though, I would hope that you communicate directly with the parent, rather than having your child call their friend directly, thus setting up disappointment from the other child if the parent can't/won't pay for them to attend. Again, nothing wrong with expecting them to pay, but just need to talk to the parent first and not the child.

Anyway, my kids are rarely taken anywhere with their friends that requires admission - usually we just go to the park and the pool. A couple of times friends have brought them somewhere and I have always sent money, though it wasn't always used. I have also invited friends occasionally and paid their way, or at least paid the admission but used their own money for extras if the mom sent money with them (though I did not ask for money in advance and wouldn't have been upset if they hadn't sent it).

Well, it seems I may be in the minority here, but actually, I think the parents are the cheap ones (and rude, too). If you're offering to take my child off my hands for a few hours so she can go have fun with a friend, the least I can do is either send money with my child, or ask upfront what the cost is and have the money ready to pay the parent at the time of pickup. I would never expect someone else to treat my child to a movie, snacks, and dinner for free, just because you were nice enough to call me and ask if my child wanted to go see a movie with her friend. I understand most people cannot spend $100 a day on an outing (and once you factor snacks for two kids, and the movie tickets for the parent and two kids, it can easily reach or surpass $100). That is even more true of single moms or stay at home moms who may have to tighten the purse strings due to living on one income.

I work full time and a few times, I have gotten a call during aftercare hours from a mom or a dad picking up their child that decided to ask my child if she'd like to come to the movies with them. The parent tells me they will take my child out of aftercare with their own child, pay for the movie and then we can meet up later for dinner and I can reimburse them. I will either do that, or treat their child to dinner to make up for the cost of my child's movie ticket and snacks. One time, a mom said not to bother with scrounging up cash. She said next time, I could treat her child to a movie, snacks, and dinner, the way she did, and that would make up for it. That seems fair to me. Even if a parent didn't mention my reimbursing them later on, I would not be so rude as to expect free things from others, especially if my child is going on several of these outings and never paying a dime. If you go out to eat with a friend, you usually offer to pay for your share, do you not? If the person declines your offer to pay or reimburse them, that's something completely different, but good manners dictate offering to pay your (or your child's) share, and going from there.

I am fine with paying for my kid's ticket as long as that is made clear with the invite.

It was just a few days ago that this exact situation occurred. There was a yoga class for kids that my daughter wanted to go to but wanted to bring a friend. So I sent a text to her friend's mom that read, "Hey, "Jane" is going to a kids yoga class tomorrow. Would "Mary" like to go? It's $12 and from 4-5pm."
"Mary" went and brought $12, no issues. When I brought her home her folks said, "We'd like to take the girls for ice cream tonight. Can "Jane" go?" I sent "Jane" with $5 but they ended up paying which was very nice. Easy peasy. There are no rules, just communicate clearly and they can take it or leave it.

I don't think so. I think a lot of it depends upon your "community." I grew up in a working class neighborhood...we were the 3rd family down on a hand-me down chain. No one "paid for" anyone else's kid...you had just enough money to cover your own kids! Now, I'm in a totally different class (our summer camp program at the gym serves sushi to the kids..which is totally wild but just normal in my neighborhood.) There is a lot of discretionary income, and in "this life" people pay for other people's kids all the time. I'm probably the exception, in as much as I might pay for anything under $25.00 but when it goes over that, I'll bring up the cost with the invitation.

I do not think the way you do things (or other moms who answered similar to you) makes you cheap. It sounds like you provide a lot of experiences which mean a lot when you are raising children. You already know that the experiences and "time" you spend with them is invaluable. Some parents so not do that with their own children.

When I answered the post the way I did, it is because that is the way I was raised and the way I have raised my daughter. If for some reason I could not afford to treat whatever activity it was, I would not invite someone.

We have included a friend on Spring Break trips and some things that do get pricey. My husband once told me.... "it is a price we pay because we chose to have 1 child and now we are paying for one of her friends to accompany her on the trip so she has more fun". My daughter's friends only paid for souvenirs with their own money.

I ALWAYS gave my daughter money when she was invited somewhere with friends. I Never assumed that someone was raised like I was, had the same ideals or could financially manage it. So, NO, I would not have been offended if a mom asked me to send $$ for admission, etc. My daughter was always prepared to pay her own way.

Only once was I a little surprised when my daughter went to a restaurant with a family which was not her favorite and she only ordered an appetizer. I had sent plenty of money for my daughter and that mom asked her how much $$ I sent and took the entire amount from her which was around $30. I just chalked it up to that mom not being raised like me OR, maybe she needed the money, shouldn't have been out at a restaurant or just wanted to go out to a restaurant because she knew the money I sent would pretty much foot the bill. Either way.. the girls still saw each other a long time after that and we still paid like we always did.

Don't consider yourself cheap or anything less that a great parent just because you may do something differently.

I rarely do outings with my kids, so it's not a hardship to pay for another child because it's maybe a few times a year during school/hockey season plus maybe a handful of times during the summer. If my child invites a friend along to a movie, trampoline park, pool, beach, bowling etc. the other parents usually offer to pay and I usually thank them and decline, letting them know it's my treat. If it were something more expensive like a water park or amusement park, I would be inclined to invite in a way that let them know the ticket price and that I expect them to pay. My kids have been on the receiving end of way more outings than I host, so this is my way of trying to even things out a bit. I always offer to pay, or send along some spending money if they join another family on vacation or for a weekend away, but the parents usually just return the money at the end of the trip, unspent.

As the kids get older and start arranging their own outings to the movies or the arcade or whatever and the role of parents is transportation and supervision instead of hosting, the kids all bring their own money and pay their own way. With my older kids, this shift started at around age 12/13. It's starting with my 12 year old now. But for my 10 year old, if I'm inviting, I'm hosting and paying.

That said, if my child joined a family on outings with the frequency that you have, I would insist on my child paying. You seem to be going out more than the average family so your case is a bit different.

The "correct" thing to do...as in proper etiquette, Emily Post correct...is to pay if you invite. In real life, it is not always practical to follow proper etiquette and some people don't even try. That is just how it goes. For me, personally, if I can't afford to pay for a guest, I don't invite a guest. But I also always assume that my kids should pay their own way if they are going somewhere with a friend. The spirit of proper etiquette is never making the other person uncomfortable. I prefer that to the letter of the rules, so I avoid any awkward pauses when one party thinks the other should pay! As with most things, etiquette can relax a bit with very close friends or relatives. So if my son's best friend invited him bowling, I would be comfortable enough with his mom to ask how much money I should send along and see if she meant to treat or not. For a new friend, I wouldn't ask, I would just send money so he could offer to pay his own way.
With the situation you describe, I would definitely feel like I was taking advantage of you if I let you take my kids twice a week and didn't offer to pay for admission plus some extra for gas and snacks unless I was reciprocating on two other days of the week! Two or three times over the whole summer with my family reciprocating equally, i would expect you to pay for them and we would pay for yours, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

The difference in the examples you give is that people can go to them on their own if they want to. In the "Do I pay" question, the invitation was to a "members only" pool which someone could ONLY do if she invited them. Therefore, by definition, they are her guests rather than jointly meeting up. You can read my answer there, but I compared it to inviting someone to your home or a private party you are throwing at a restaurant - you pay.

In the example you give, you are spending up to $25 twice a week already - which, frankly, sounds like a lot. It's a lot of organized play time with fees attached. Perhaps you are in an area where kids can't just get together for no-cost play dates or any sort of enrichment without an admission charge. So perhaps you have unusual circumstances. If you are offering to drive and you are offering to take kids who have working parents, or if you are basically sharing with other parents because they reciprocate, then you can have an understanding with those particular parents that there will be some alternating of supervision/driving.

I think I'm more like you. As I said in the response to the other question, I'm pretty sure I usually fed kids, but I think it was usually expected that parents would pay for their kids' entrance fees etc.

My husband just brought home his social security statement showing his earnings over the decades, and I'm shocked and kind of proud that we were able to raise our kids on as little money as he earned back in those days, without getting into massive debt. But we had to be pretty cheap to do so.

No, I don't think you're cheap, and I certainly wouldn't be offended.

Sounds like it happens quite frequently with you and with multiple kids each time. Not that case for us. Honestly, most of the time we have done things that require admission fees (over a couple of dollars) it was just my two kids. They always played great together and enjoyed each other's company. I have (and always have had) a vehicle that seats 5. If our family went, we could only take one additional child. So it didn't happen that way very often, because then the other child was in a "left out" situation... and we couldn't invite TWO kids (one for each of our kids). No room in the car. --When they were little, obviously.
As teens, they tend to figure out their own plans, and as such, "I" am not so much inviting, as "they" are planning... so they usually have their own $ figured out. If it is a situation that "we" are actually inviting, then it is on me/us. But those are usually more reserved for bigger occasions, not just everyday type things. Birthday: waterpark with your friends.. admission on me. That's $20 a head. Plus drinks/snacks at the pool, parking fee to get on the island, and transportation (we live a long way from town). Or movie and sleep over... Movie tickets on me, with $ for some shared popcorn and then back home for pizza and whatever else during sleep over. Most kids front their own $ for the movies. They aren't cheap. (especially if they opt for the 3D showing... those are $13 each) Other parents invite my kiddo out for this stuff, too. I pay her ticket and popcorn/drink (she won't drink soda, so will either buy a bottled water, of sometimes she already has one in her backpack bag---she's a marching band kid. They ALWAYS have water on them.)

We don't do a lot of going to the park or pool.. we live in a quiet neighborhood with lots of trees and wildlife, and have our own pool. There's no admission. Come on over and bring your swim suit. I've got plenty of towels, you don't even need to bring one of those. Just your suit.

Or, in the summer, the nearby touristy island has "movies on the green" on Saturday nights. I've taken my daughter and her friends out there. The movie is completely free. Just spread out a blanket and enjoy under the stars. A little like the old fashioned drive-in, only it's a walk-in, and it's free. Bring your own snacks/drinks. Coolers are everywhere.

We live near the beach. That's another option here. Taking kiddo and a friend to the beach for a few hours. No $ required. But if we go through DQ on the way back home, it's my treat. :)

BIG stuff? We haven't done it. We are a family of 4. Anything that requires an overnight stay, we aren't getting 2 hotel rooms. My son did an overnight with a friend to an amusement park when he was in elementary. They had one child going, and invited him to join their son. I sent $ for admission, plus dinner, snacks, souvenir, etc. I wouldn't have wanted them to pay for that... even though they offered.

So, no, I don't think you are cheap. But it does sound like where you are located, things are done a little differently. Where I am, there aren't as many parents dragging extra kids around with them to paid excursions. The nearest zoo (for example) is an hour away. Not in the same town, and actually across the state line. Most people do not live within walking distance of each other, nor of activities. Everything is a car ride. And just picking up 1 additional kid can add 30 minutes to the process of doing whatever it is, simply b/c of added car time for picking up all the way on the other side of town, or in the other end of the county. MANY times, our daughter has slept over for simple movies, b/c of the logistics of pick-up distance. Same with her friends. If you drive them here to drop off, I'll bring her home in the morning. Or vice versa. Or I'll drop off, and pick back up in the morning. Two 50 minute (one way) round trips in one evening is just too much.

I didn't read all the responses on that question and I just answered it myself.

I think it depends on how much you want to spend. We have invited kids along and paid the whole thing, if my husband had a great sales week and we are ahead at the time (he's 100% commission only). But there have been times where we have had to let the parents know it will cost $25 (or whatever) and to send that along if their kid can go.

Our kids have gotten a ton of invites stating how much they will need for entrance fee, skate rentals, food/drink, souvenirs, whatever. Then we can decide if we want to do it or not.

It also depends on how often it happens. My kids are not super social so we have usually paid for the movies and laser tags, etc. Because *we* have a general idea on how much *we* will spend. But I mentioned the state fair in the other questions and THAT can cost a fortune. We don't just want to tell our kid, no, you can't invite a friend because it's too expensive to add another person so we have told the other parent how much it will be. I don't think it's ever been a problem. And even then, we still end up paying more because they want a drink, or ice cream or play a game or whatever.

So in conclusion...IT DEPENDS!!! lol

Other than the issue of a family being well-off enough to pay, I think the answer lies in how often this happens. You are doing this on a regular basis. No one in your position should feel the need to do all the paying. It doesn't make you cheap. It makes you "not taken advantage of"...

I think it is all in the way the child is invited. I once had a parent ask if she could take my kids to the movies. She didn't say anything at all about money. I did give my kids money for snacks but not the actual movie since she said "take", not can they go with. Money was really tight for us at the time since my husband had surgery and not working. After they got home, they told me they couldn't have anything to snack on because they had to pay for their ticket and mom told me I owed her about $5. Knowing about the cost would have been nice up front.

You know, I go by situation. In that particular situation, when someone suggests coming with them to a members-only function, I felt that offering to pay was the gracious thing to do. Of course, had the asker stipulated that "the fee will be X" during the initial conversation, that's fine, but to spring it on someone later -- like, at the pool--would not have been cool.

We don't do 'big' events with friends, but when we do, yes, we pay their way for kids/parent. We also are choosy about how we spend our money. For example, we have a membership to the science museum and can get another adult besides myself and a few other kids in for free. So, we offer that because the kids love it.

My son doesn't like theaters, so we generally don't go to movies. He's also a nine-year old who likes being home and would rather have a water-balloon fight or play on the playstation for a bit. Reading through your list of things your kids enjoy doing; mine only rarely does some of those things. Once a year we go to the amusement park. We do go to the nickel arcade more frequently and sometimes bring a friend. The kids are pretty great at making their own fun at a park or in the backyard. But if we do invite another kid, we generally pay their way. So, maybe we can afford it because those outings are the exception, not the rule, y'know? :)

You mention going 'crazy' hanging around the house. I'm a homebody, have a lot of things to do here which interest me: gardening, cooking, always something to do, plus I have to do my own research and lesson planning as I homeschool, so boredom is not usually a problem for me. It does happen some days, but by and large, there is something for me to do if I am willing to really look hard enough.

Hmmm.....I always send my kids with money, but am usually told by the parent "No! We got this! We invited him." So, I expect to pay, but so far haven't. BUT, truthfully, my kids have only been invited to a handful of events.
If I invite a kid with us somewhere I assume that I am paying. I hardly ever invite kids with us anywhere though. During the summer especially, I selfishly like to just have my kids with me so I can "play" with them and spend time with them. I don't want to share. lol. Actually, they have never asked to bring a friend. Maybe they like hanging out with me still! HA!

I don't think so. Some people give money, some time and energy. It's all giving and you do what you can.

I don't think you're cheap at all.

It's whatever works right? Obviously the parents are ok or they would be declining invites.

Your playdates are more like entertainment for the day-outing-type-experiences than a kid coming over to play. I would be fine paying my kids' way to go out with you. And honestly, I'd love it if my kids had a friend whose mom was like you. Because I don't take my kids bowling or to the trampoline place much. So I'd be fine to pay their way and I bet you are appreciated.

Here - outings like that are not the norm. And typically we do stuff like that as a family. It's $ enough just with our kids. And if one brings a friend, then they'd all want to - and it gets costly - so this is not our norm.

When we do - we typically pay. And it's reciprocated. But that's our norm.

I think what you're doing is just fine. You do way more outings than I ever did, so probably the overall cost of bringing along a friend would be higher. You're up front with the other parent and if they have a problem, they are free to say "no" to their kid joining (I bet that never happens, though). More often than not, knowing there was a cost involved, parents would offer to pay for their own kid anyway. If everybody's happy with the situation, you're doing nothing wrong, it works for you.

Being up front is the best policy. If you get a phone call and someone says they want to take your child with them to the zoo for a cool exhibit in the animal building do you automatically assume it's free since they called you? No, you think of the cost.

If I got the call I proposed up there in that paragraph I'd answer like this.

"Gosh, that sounds like so much fun! Thank you for thinking of our girl but we haven't received child support yet this month and even then it's going on braces down payment so we can't do that. I'm so sorry".

If they want to pay they'll say "Wait! we are treating her! We'd love to have her, please think about it."

"Oh, that is so nice, thank you! Can I bake some bars for everyone to eat?"

This opens the communication road where both parties know exactly what is being offered and what is expected.

To me, it depends on whether you tell them upfront about the cost. The poster the other day didn't (or at least it appeared that she hadn't) mentioned cost so I think she should pay. But, if it is done like you do with information relative to cost, etc., up front, then the other kids' parent(s) can make an informed decision on whether or not to let their child go. So, no, I don't think you are cheap and I am always up for paying my kids' way. Like you said, I'm just happy someone is taking them somewhere.

If you invite someone to do something (it doesn't matter the age of the person, child, adult, senior citizen), than you have taken upon the obligation to pay for them. It is basic manners - just check any etiquette website.

We usually invite children over to our house to swim in our pool (only cost is feeding them). When my children invite friends to the movies or other activities with a price, we pay for that child. No, we don't do it very frequently.

looks like i will be in the minority. we also have one income, but if i ask a kid to join us, then i pay for everything. i also expect to not pay when someone invites my kids. i do tend to invite a lot more than be invited but so be it. i do it for my kids.

Well we had season baseball tickets n allowed our child to take a friend, bought her drink r drinks but when it came to souvenirs it was on them..I thought I was generous.. Only to find out that the friend would go but did not enjoy so the mother of this child begged us to take the brother--instead of sister---the problem being the boy was 3 yrs younger and my daughter was not friends with him she was friends with the sister....I guess you do the best you can cause somewhere along the line someone will be disappointed or insulted... N go on...

I can afford to cover invited guests because it isn't a routine occurrence in my household.

Inviting extra kids along can be fun, but it also changes the dynamics of an outing. When it is parents and their kids only, they interact and bond with each other as a family unit. When there is a friend along, it usually turns into the parents watching their kids interacting with their friends.

Most of our planned outings are family-only. Our kids tend to socialize with their friends at home (ours or theirs), at the parks, or other non-admission type locations.

I think I don't do outings where it costs money and our kids invite friends all that often. We are members of a pool and if one of my kids invites a friend I pay for that friend ($5). Every once in a blue moon we might do something that costs money and if we let our kids invite a friend we expect to pay for them since we invited them. But most of the time our family outings are just us...our kids don't bring a friend. We do have other kids over to play or for a sleepover. Where we are living right now (DC) most museums and the zoo are free. The trampoline place is a rare event...usually our kids get invited to a birthday party there. We have taken them there on a weekend. And we have invited a friend and her parent to meet us there (her parent paid for her).I guess I usually invite another parent to meet us there. As in: hey we are going to the waterpark/mini-golf/go-carts this weekend...do you and your kids want to join us? Then they pay their own way. It sounds like you do a lot of outings that cost money and often invite other kids. If you invited my child to go do something fun but at the same time also asked them to bring their admission fee and lunch I would not be offended. I'm a person who is not easily offended.

It really depends on the person and what expectations have been set. My daughter went to a concert and used ALL of the money I sent her with on her food and souvenir. I was okay with that. The family bought her concert ticket (around $100).

We routinely bring friends to the ballet with us. Most recently we saw Phantom of the Opera at the Kennedy Center and when I opened the tickets, they were $109 a piece. My mom refused payment from my daughter's two friends that came with us. I paid for dinner, Starbucks, and snacks at intermission. I let them buy their own souvenirs. But it's up to each person.

I would INSIST you accept payment for all of my child's expenses. I have usually been the one doing the driving. I willingly treat my daughter's best friends even though their parents can afford it. We love their company and the parents treat my daughter sometimes. If money were tight, I would not put my family in a bind to cover it.
I will tell you the parents who can pay and don't offer guarantee their child doesn't get to come again unless they bring money. Poor children come at no cost to their parents because my mom was a single mom and I don't want them missing out.

Yes, you're super cheap!!

Just kidding. If you were to take my kid to an amusement park, I'll come out to the car and hand you money and insist on you taking it. I'd also give my kid spending money. But that is me.

I have taken friends out and have paid for it and wouldn't take money but I know that those moms would pay it forward somehow.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying we are going to Adventure Land Park and admission is $45. Then they can chose to let you take their kid or not.

Whether you pay or not is up to you and your finances. What does matter is being direct to the other parents about expectations ahead of time. For example: say that you will drive and supervise at a movie, but admission and treats will be about $10. Or tell the other parent that you are going to the park and bringing a picnic lunch for all so nothing else is needed. I really hated when other parents would beat around the bush about expectations. Clear answers are best. I remember once taking a trip with a friend of my child. her mother and I sat down and went over responsibilities. They needed to pay for the plane ticket and send spending money but I would pay for meals, shared hotel room and rental car. We all knew what was what ahead of time and were prepared.