Am I Being Unreasonable? - Decatur,GA

I don't see anything wrong with the ex's requests/demands. I didn't want my ex's, now wife, at any of my daughters functions (until they were married). And she is a hair dresser & I did not want her cutting my kids hair. As far as the brushing, well maybe the kid complained & momma bear came to the rescue, who knows but it really isn't a big deal.

If he is truly great (which keeping the peace with an ex really says something good about his character) then keep him & go along with her nonsense UNTIL he marries you, then you should be allowed to go to the games just don't brush the hair, lol.

Just think about how much hell everyone's life would be if he pushed back & went against everything she requested. You would be on here about how miserable you are & asking if you should throw in the towel to get away from the mass chaos. Best wishes

No, you weren't wrong, but a third party may help him see that he's not doing his kids any favors by being a poor role model. He's teaching them that they can manipulate and blackmail others by watching their mom do it to him. A counselor (or lawyer) may be able to show him that her requests are way out of line, detrimental to the kids, and not enforcable.

has this just started? has she been that way for the entire 2 years? sounds really weird, but if he isn't willing to put his foot down wit hher, then that will only cause more problems if you stay together. sorry and I hope you guys can work it out.

Hmmmmm, I wonder if my ex's GF thinks I'M a control think because I work very hard everyday to do what's right for my kids, often time what's right for the kids is NOT quite right for him, or for ME for that matter.

Why would you NEED to go to their practices? I doesn't REALLY benefit them that you are there. It DOES benefit them that HE is there.

Frankly, I'll bet it makes mutual friends/family members and especially KIDS uncomfortable when you go.

A lot of split families trade off, Mom goes tuesday with or without her SO, dad goes thursdays with or without so, etc.

There is not a lot of detail in your post but I do know mom's putting their foot down to get what their kids need is often interpreted as 'control issues'.

So I guess my answer is, no you are NOT wrong, you did the right thing, and yes he really IS a good dad, and since you seem very threatened by that, yes again, breaking up with him IS the best thing for everyone involved.
Peace

It sounds like your ex is a great guy by putting his children first and by doing everything he could to spend time with them out of his custody arrangement. If he stood up to her and lost his mid week visits with his kids that could have damaged his relationship with them forever. When you date someone with children there are sacrifices. It's kind of a take it or leave it kind of thing. He has character because he's putting up with the crazy ex for the sake of his kids. If you can live without going to the games maybe there's a chance for reconciliation?

"I know my breaking point and in order to maintain my sanity and my decorum, I feel this is best if he will not stand up for himself. Am I wrong?"

No. You're not wrong. You're right and you did the right thing by walking away.
Date a man without kids because you never want to make a man feel like he has to choose between you & his kids. You'll lose that battle every time. and if you won, would you really want him? Probably not.
I'm sorry you lost your relationship, but I feel this man was doing the right thing for his girls--whether the ex was reasonable or not.

I dunno , he did the best thing for his kids, ex or no ex, he wants to and needs to spend as much time with them as he can get. I was blessed to have a dad like this that did what it took to spend time with me. my mom wasn't manipulative like this but he would have done what ever it took to spend time with me when he could. Sorry hun but kids vs girlfriend , kids win every time.
If you were to get married you could actually do something about it because you'd be legally bound to him and them.
She's letting him have them extra time that isn't in the divorce agreement ( according to your post), it's technically her time so she can dictate what she wants to do with it. If it's not being used the way she wants it's her right to take it away.

you are right, and wrong. She has control over her children and if she does not want you in the picture she has every right and would probably persue it legally to keep you out. He should be a bit more assertive with finding compromises with his ex wife but really this type of thing seems like a deal breaker for me, i know it would be for myself as well so for what you need for YOU you are right.

You are definitely not wrong. He didn't make a great decision for anyone. His girls are learning from him that men can and should be manipulated by women. I feel pain for the guys they will eventually treat like their mom treats their dad or they could become their dad being manipulated and controlled by some man. Either way not a great scenario.

Since this is a relatively new development in your life you may want to take some time to mourn this relationship (about 2 months should be sufficient - less if possible. Then join some groups or clubs, go to events like concerts, plays, amusement parks, bowling, skating, etc. Get out the house. Pursue those things that make you happiest. Maybe even do some extravagent travelling if that is your thing but get back into living your life and live it up. Women who have their own thing going on and are having fun are irresistable to men. He was just one type of man but not the only type out there that would be right for you. Remember his good qualities and look for those in your future and the triats you don't like be aware of those too. I pray the best for your future. You deserve a man who will choose your feelings over his ex-wife's and know that children are relatively flexible.

No, you are not wrong. Breaking up is difficult enough as it is when there aren't children involved, but much harder with kids involved. I think that you are doing the right thing by breaking up with him now. Like another poster stated, these children are learning from their mother to be controlling and manipulative. If you choose to stay in this relationship, in a few years when these kids are in their teens, they will be pulling the same tactics as their mom is now. If your BF cannot stand up to his ex, do you think he'll be able to stand up to his grown children and their demands? More than likely not--kids always come first. You are being treated like a third wheel here. I think you shouldn't waste anymore time on him, let it go, and move on. I know it's easier said than done, but there are many other fish in the sea. You deserve better, set your standards higher. You should be treated like YOU are number one, not a second class citizen. Some of these internet dating sites are great--that's how I met my hubby:) Check them out:)

M.

With or without you in his life, he's their dad and they have to come before you. It sucks that his ex is acting like an arse, but it is what it is, and he has to deal with her. It's a shame that he won't grow a spine, stand up to her, and call her bluff, even take her back to court if she cuts off his contact with the kids.

I think you did the right thing for you by walking away, and he did the right thing for him by agreeing with his ex so he could see his girls more. Not to be harsh, but you are a girlfriend - not a wife. If my hubby & I divorced it would be specified in the custody agreement that neither of us would bring boy/girlfriends around till they were engaged to be married. It's too hard on the kids to have people coming and going in their lives. If you were the wife I would say he was wrong and you should of course be allowed at the games/practices - but you're not, which you demonstrated quite well by simply walking away.

Well, if he is not strong enough to fight back, then it is time to move on. You will not win in this situation. This is why many people state that if you meet a man with children you will want to stay clear until they are out of the house. There is too much drama involved and you are always the last to be thought of. Sorry.

As they say there is another train coming along the tracks any day now.

Be good to yourself. The pain will lessen over time.

The other S.

The ex is using the ole "put the kids in the middle" trick. She is obviously jealous of the relationship you have with her ex. Sorry he can't man up to her and stand up for himself, but maybe your relationship wasn't as strong as you thought it was. Better to learn that out now than later. I would have asked for a copy of the kids schedule (from another team member if possible) to see when he would be at the children's activities and then would have shown up at the activity unannounced and try to be unnoticed just so I would have some sense of belonging and be able to ask more detailed questions to the children on how the activity went.

hmmm.. well I would think he is being an excellent dad to those kids by doing everything he needs to do for them, and if he is choosing to keep the peace with the ex. for the sake of his kids I think that is great. I Really don't think anything you have mentioned that the ex. expects seems completely unreasonable. Yes she may be being picky and it is really annoying to you but those are his kids and if he loves his kids more than anything he won't risk missing their events over it.
to me it seems that you may be trying to "control" him too by trying to force him to choose differently or change how he is.just a thought thou

So are you wrong? not sure, Obviously if you are unable to see his side and stand by him , then maybe he is not the right one for you. Trying to change a person never works in a relationship,so really it is up to you. Do you love him enough and care enough about him to be with him how he is? and knowing the ex wife situation will be around for many many more years? if the answer is no then I guess it is time to move on.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I hope it gets easier for you and you find some peace in whatever decision you make.

Hi S., you must be going through a hard time right now - it's never easy to let go of someone you love. You didn't elaborate on how long this tug of war has been going on, but I think I would probably have done the same thing. It sounds like his ex is bitter and obviously hasn't moved on herself - or if she has she definitely isn't content. It's such a shame to see people who use their kids as pawns in a losing game since only the kids end up losing. Maybe over time she would have lightened up esp if she found someone to make her happy, but who knows how long that would be. And if your BF continues to bow down to her ridiculous requests than it will just be mounting the frustration for you. Part of me feels like this idiot (the ex-wife) won because she was the catalyst in your break-up, but at the same time this is an indication of how he will stand up for you and with you in the future. The kids will always be a top priority but I also believe you need to be right up there too in order to have a healthy and balanced relationship. He must not allow himself to be manipulated by anyone to the point it stands in the way of your union with him. I know many people will say the kids come first, etc etc and as I said, they are a top priority - but you also have to be put on a pedestal and treated like a princess - the woman he loves, respects and admires. It's a tall order for anyone to balance a crazy life filled with expectations from many people - but he can do it. You never mentioned how he reacted to the break-up? Do you think it might prompt him to make some changes? Good luck with everything.

What a difficult situation to be in.
No, you're not wrong. It's very hard to have to live to someone else's demands, and you don't need that, that will only affect your self esteem, and will end you both in a lot more fights.
I hope he will realize that he deserves a life beyond his children (Although I agree that children come first) meaning, that he deserves to be with someone in their terms(his and his partner's) without someone else using their children to manipulate his relationships. I'm sorry for the mother, as this will only push him away (eventually) and maybe will end up pushing her kids away too, no one likes to be used in any way.
I understand you miss him, but before that you have to come first. Because you deserve a healthy relationship and this was not in the path for one. I hope he will realize this sooner than later. In Mexico we have a saying something like "If it was meant to be, it will be. One way or the other"
Hope you find this helpful.
Good Luck!

ugh, yeah, i need a man who wants me as a part of his life, EVERY part. And a man that stands up for what he believes in.

As long as you told him your reason for leaving and given him a chance to make it right then i totally understand.

either you matter enough, or you dont.

I think both of you are in a tough spot. I can understand his position. They are his kids and he wants to be with them as much as possible and put their needs ahead of his own, which is good. I think though that he can't really do anything. He could of course go to court and try to get more time, but if they already only gave him every other weekend, it may not do anything but cost him money. They can't really tell the mom that she has to let you attend activities or keep the kids in them. I think as hard as it is, you did the right decision for you. I wouldn't want to deal with that and it would only get harder when you got married and would probably put way to big a strain on your marriage and most likely cause lots of unnecessary fights. He could try to stand up for himself, but if he doesn't have anything to back him up, it could just backfire on him and he does need to keep his kids a priority. I really for you but i think you did the right thing and you need to move forward.

I agree w/ workinmomma it may be the right thing for the both of you. But keep in mind you did nothing wrong and you did nothing to cause this. This is something he as to figure out for HIMSELF. Sooner or later he will realize that it is NOT JUST YOU that she is doing this with it is with EVERYONE he sees. Because she IS THE A CONTROL FREAK. She the one that needs the help!!!
Stay strong and Keep Looking there IS a Person out there FOR YOU!!

I think you did the right thing by ending the relationship. I am married to a man with children from a previous marriage, and it is challenging to say the least.

I don't think the ex's requests are demands. These are her children, and she absolutely must be comfortable with you before she trusts you to be around them. It takes a LOT of time to build trust when you're the girlfriend.

To make it work, you have to let your boyfriend and his ex work out the rules around the kids, and you have to accept them graciously. If that doesn't sound like something you can live with, then don't. Marrying a man with kids and an ex means you will always have someone else's rules to consider, whether you like them or not.

I don't mean to sound harsh, just honest. If I didn't love my hubby dearly and feel dearly loved by him, there's no way I could hang in here.

Best of luck to you. I think if he's meant to be in your life, your paths will cross again someday. :)

Looks like she got what she wanted in the end. Your gone. She must be a very dominate person to get all this in her favor. He does have rights , he just needs to enforce his also. If I loved someone like you say you love him, I might have worked with him. I mean your a girlfriend, not engaged or married. He might take this as when the going get rough, you get going. I actually do not blame him, as fear of seeing his kids is more important. And it should be. I would not abide by others rules either. I mean really after 6 years and she is still bitter. Does he know he has rights or does he just does not want to engage in the effort it will take. You may have done the right thing. But if you still love him......go for it.......work with him.

At your point in life, you have to do what is best for you. He has to do what is best for his children. Unfortunately, this is what he feels is best. He SHOULD have sat his ex down and told her what was going to happen - involving the court if necessary. It sounds like she isn't over him and is controlling him however she can. If he was going to let this continue, you would have been dragged into it and controlled in the same way. He sounds like a caring and loving father to his children.

If you are regretting your decision, are you still in contact with him? Have you let him know that you don't want to make him choose between the kids and you, but that in order to have a life together, he has to stand up to his ex?

What a tough situation. As a boyfriend you were right to let him go. It is unhealthy for her to have so much influence over your relationship. As a dad he was right to tell you to stay away. Seeing his children is best for them and his relationship with them should be most important. So while he sounds like a good guy, the very actions that demonstrate that his priorities are correct make him wrong for you. It is a mis-match. Move on as you deserve someone who is free to make you a priority.