My 4 yo DS is on the spectrum and we are in the process of setting up his ABA therapy. We finally have a team assembled (therapists, pschologist and coordinator) and I am working to schedule an orientation/training session, which is a 2 day, 8hr each day, orientation that everyone has to attend before his therapy program can start. I asked my husband last Friday if some dates would be okay with him and he said yes. I checked with the therapists, who worked it into their schedules and passed the info on to the coordinator. The coordinator scheduled the times and when I passed the confirmed info on to my husband tonight he said it wouldn't work because that weekend is his dad's 80th b'day and he's thinking about taking the kids to see him. Yes, his dad is elderly and I understand wanting to see him, but it has taken us about 4 months to get where we are in respect to my son's therapy, after scheduling appts. 4-6 weeks in advance and ithe interviewing/hiring process, etc. And the coordinator has other patients so it's not like we can just push it back a couple days. Is it wrong to ask him to visit his father another weekend? His dad lives 6 hours away so he can drive whenever he wants and there is no big birthday bash planned. I'm trying not to be insensitive but I don't want to prolong our son's therapy any longer. What would you do? Thanks!
Thanks mamas. Sorry this update is longer than the initial post. :) I did ask my husband to take the trip at another time, which is what I initially intended to do, but I was pissed off and wanted to make sure I had a level headed response (Really pissed off because I emailed him possible dates so he could check them with his work calendar and he actually chose his dad’s birthday without ever mentioning to me that that was a special day). Also, in the past he has called me selfish and insensitive in similar situations, so I thought I’d get some unbiased opinions first. But thanks for reassuring me that I insist we be diligent about our son’s therapy.
Anyway, after a frustrating 5 minute conversation during which he asked me questions like why couldn’t we simply move it up a day or two, he finally decided to visit his father earlier that week. As a point of clarification, no other relatives are coming in for his b’day.
And Mum4ever, perhaps you should try to be a little less judgmental in your responses. No, I don’t know my FIL’s birthday or any of my husband’s sibling’s birthdays. Nor does he know mine. We simply don’t have that type of relationship with our in-laws. Additionally, just this past weekend I made a photo calendar, on which I included my siblings birthday’s and when I asked him if he wanted to do the same and he said no. And perhaps *you* don’t know any psychologists, therapists and coordinators who work on the weekends, but these do. In fact, the majority of their orientation sessions occur on 1 weekday and 1 weekend because both parents need to be there (if there are 2 parents involved), each training day is 7 hours, and it’s difficult for some parents to take 2 full days off work. So yes, my position is he can drive up any other weekend except the Saturday he agreed that we would spend 9am-4pm in training for our son’s ABA therapy.
You asked him in advance.. He cleared it. he should have mentioned his dad's birthday when you asked about the dates. Maybe try for the weekend before to visit his dad?
I'm super late (as usual) to post, but glad its resolved. Going forward, I would make a birthday calendar, including my husband's family, just so this sort of thing didn't happen again, and to remind him to be more careful. Good luck with the appointments!!
I do not think you are being unreasonable. Why not offer to make it a family weekend...the weekend AFTER your sessions for your son? BE positive and upbeat about it. Believe me...at 80 years old...your FIL does NOT care whether you are there to celebrate on "the day" or not!!! I am 62 and I must say...my birthday is just another day as far as I am concerned!!
If there was a big birthday party planned for the extended family...that would be a different story but since there isn't I would encourage your husband to reschedule his visit with his Dad.
Could I offer an alternative theory?? Is your husband having a difficult time accepting the fact that your son is in need of some special help? Nothing you said leads me to believe that is the case but I know that some people just really have a difficult time admitting that someone they love and care for is in need of help? Maybe this is his way of avoiding that very real situation. Just a thought!!
My opinion would go toward the old guy, you got lots of time to work on the little one.
Hi, R.:
It sounds like your husband has some ambivalence about the process of help for you all's son.
How does your husband feel about the challenges your son is facing? There is labeling and stigma attached to not being "normal."
Have you sat down and discussed how he feels about y'alls son's challenges he is dealing with?
Just a thought.
D.
Not wrong to ask your husband to visit his father on another weekend. Your son's development and progress depends on getting this therapy in a timely and early manner. You don't say how old your son is but you have made it abundantly clear that it has taken a long while to receive therapy. Don't waste your son's opportunity or yours!
I tend to agree with you. You did ask him in advance and gave him dates to approve of ahead of time. I've been with my hubby 23 years and do NOT know the dates of his parents or siblings birthdays. My parents are deceased and I know my sisters birthdays. I can't imagine the effort it takes to coordinate all of those people's schedules therefore I would never think of asking them to reschedule at this point. They have all changed their schedules once already to accommodate the dates approved by hubby. I know birthdays are a special date to be celebrated. But in this instance, your husband didn't remember the date when asked if there would be a conflict of schedules. I would suggest the family go the weekend before his birthday and have a family celebration with FIL. I'm certain he would understand and would put his grandson's welfare above an actual date on the calendar. I'm sure he would just be thrilled spending time with your family know matter what day it is.
I am on your side on this and echo KansasMom's sentiment to a T.
I'm sorry, but as the wife, don't you know when you own FIL's birthday is as well? Especially an 80th? It's not like that big one is ever going to come around again. Why isn't there a big birthday bash planned? That's his own father, his family. Sorry that your husband agreed to dates that now conflict.
And the visit is over the weekend? I don't know any therapists, psychologists, or coordinators that work weekends.
What do you mean he can drive up whenever he wants??? Whenever, except that weekend?
When exactly are the appointments and when exactly is the drive and how do they clash? If therapy is during the week and the visit is on the weekend?
I understand that it is time consuming and complicated to pin point everyone's schedules. But believe me, it has been done before, especially when you tell the professionals involved that it is to celebrate Granddad's 80th Birthday. They would probably smile to know how much you value your family.
As a therapist who has been involved in these trainings, I can tell you it is a feat to be able to get everybody's schedule to coincide for this meetings. If You postpone it would be probably be next to impossible to do it in the near future as therapists probably had to change other client's appointments to schedule this one and may not be able to do that as easily a second time.
Just my 2 cents...
Good luck
I would be pretty pissed off, since he agreed to the date in the first place.
Remind your husband that this is IMPORTANT and set in stone. Let him realize that by suggesting to do anything that interfiers (sp) with your son's therepies is disrespectful to:
YOUR SON, you, himself, anyother kids in the house, the therepists, coodinators, dr's etc.
His father WILL forgive that it is now time for HIS GRANDSON to come first and that he is further down on the totem poll even on his birthday weekend. Once my hunny understood how disrespectful it was he stopped doing silly things like that ... Oh and he also admitted he kept pushing these things off b/c he was scared and was not ready to admit there were any issues with his little boy ... not sure what your situation is like but could something like that be playing in to this too?
WOW "Mum4ever". It's quite apparent that you have not been blessed with any "special" or "gifted" children, and therefore you simply cannot understand the value and true impotrance of these therapies and training sessions. (for our children and ourselves as their parents) While family is somethiing that I hold very dear and would not want to be without in this world, I must admit........ as a Mom of 2 "special needs" kids I can't imagine my life or my kids lives without these magical therapists, doctors, and other wonderful people who have helped us along the way. (who by the way are always avalable on Saturdays so that BOTH parents can come in for appts. without missing too much work as all of this therapy gets quite expensive)
Ya know, the thing is, I am willing to bet if R. M had to ask her FIL what he wanted her to do, go to the appt they had or come for his birthday THAT particular weekend or come aother, I am willing to bet he would say to get to the appt and come a different weekend. My family always wants what is best for my kids, and would have just assumed we could get together at a different time. I hope your appt. went well and good luck with your therapy R.!
It is not wrong to ask him to visit his dad another day. you have had this planned for weeks and he knew that. timing is bad, but you have to do what is best for your son. get the therapy going and he could take the kids the next weekend.
M
Normally I would say that an 80th birthday is a pretty special event and should not be missed if at all possible but, as a mom who has a 7-year old son on the autism spectrum and having had ABA for several years now, I know how difficult it is to coordinate these training and workshop sessions.
Your husband should have been more careful when he agreed to scheduling it for that particular weekend in the first place. If it was a case where you could easily reschedule the training, then I would suggest that you do so for the sake of family and all that. I know that is not possible.
To reschedule at this point would probably mean having to postpone the workshop for another month and, at this point, as far as your son and your family is concerned, time is of the essence. A month delay is a month lost. A lot could be taught to your son in that one month period. As an example, when our son started ABA, he could label items but didn't not have any functional communication other than asking for "more." Within one month of starting ABA, he was actually able to tell us, "I feel sick," before throwing up in our bed one night. I credit ABA for that huge milestone. So please don't delay getting this started.
Like I said, normally I am all into celebrating birthdays when they occur, especially 80th birthdays, but your son's ABA training is too difficult to reschedule (I know from experience) and this therapy is too important to your son's livelihood.
I am so happy that you are starting ABA for your son. I hope that you see a lot of positive results very soon.
Will other family members be there as well, perhaps some he doesn't get to see often?. I'm going to assume that they will be, especially since it's a long trip and the 80'th birthday, whether it's a big party or not. I side with hubby on this one. His dad won't be around much longer, but your child can wait a few weeks for another appointment.
I agree with Red. You did ask in advance and he agreed to it.
Plus, knowing what my friend has had to go through for scheduling appointments for her daughter with the same issues, it can be a NIGHTMARE! Since you have it all in place, your husband needs to honor that.
If your husband insists and you end up relenting, make it on the condition that HE will do all the rescheduling, coordinating, and making the calls to the various people so that he realizes how involved the process is.
Another 4 months for your son to struggle before starting therapy is very long indeed. I hope your husband recognizes that.
I would (again) explain to my husband that early intervention is best when started EARLY and that re-scheduling all of this will delay it.
Call "dad" on his big day and go see him the following weekend to celebrate.
I don't think you should reschedule your son's appts either but I have to laugh a bit as I just planned a vacation with 2 other families. It took us FOREVER bc of course 3 families have different priorities. Only towards the end did I even realize we'd be flying out on my husband's birthday! Of course I know my husband's bday but it just didn't register for some reason. So I'm glad your husband gave in etc but just a point of reference. I'm extremely considerate, typically am really good with dates etc so if it can happen to me, it can happen to a man for sure!
We are all human and do forget dates sometimes until someone mentions something to us or we just remember.
