Who Is the Unreasonable One? :)

She is being unreasonable in giving 2 weeks notice prior to a holiday weekend. If she had decided in February to pick Easter weekend that would be completely different.

My family would have discussed it and come up with a date that works for everyone's busy schedules. If you are not going to consult folks on their availability, then you can expect there is a chance they have other commitments. I don't think you are unreasonable.

i'm astounded that anyone would think you are selfish for this!
it's a huge imposition to reschedule the family get-together and TELL you when to be there, without running it by you first. there's no way i'd accede to this. even without the birthdays, and your OWN side of the family's plans, to simply expect folks with kids and animals to up and travel is a bit much. they can certainly ask, and be sad that you're not coming, but i'd be sticking pins in dolls if someone was angry and made nasty remarks about me for not rearranging my life to suit them.
our in-law family christmas was cancelled due to a tiny fellow being hospitalized, and none of us felt we could celebrate while he was in the ER (he's fine now). there was some talk of rescheduling, but with the distances everyone drives, and work and school schedules, it just wasn't feasible.
enjoy your birthday, and give your husband a big squeeze for being on board with you for this. you guys are definitely not the unreasonable ones here.
khairete
S.

Good lord - I don't know why the "year the grandparents were hospitalized" can't also just be the "year we didn't get together for Christmas." Due to being 1500 miles away and short on cash (and not wanting to go crazy traveling during the holiday), we haven't celebrated Christmas with extended family for five years now. We just enjoy seeing them during other times of the years.

I don't understand why your wouldn't want to spend your birthday with this fabulous woman? haha. Your hubby needs to get involved and explain to his mom why you all can't come. In fact, have him make plans for a weekend that you can go - then make your plans. She sounds like fun. Good luck with that!

This one's easy. As it's your husband's family, I'd say that if even HE doesn't want to participate, that's pretty much the end of it. As long as he's dealing with her (and it sounds like he is), you can just ignore whatever drama she throws at him. You and your husband are in agreement, so don't worry about you MIL's issues.

Do what is best for your family and forget what the in laws say. Two weeks is not enough notice.

Plenty of reasons not to go but in my mind plans with your family is enough. You made plans. This is last minute. Why should they push your parents out of the way? Make it clear to her sometime that your husband was free to go but chose not to. And whatever she is saying to your husband he should put an end to. He should hang up on her if necessary. She is totally unreasonable.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.
You were only given 2 wks notice and your family has things planned
already.
Why shouldn't you be able to skip an event.
Go visit them in the summer when it's convenient for you (& them too
hopefully).
Enjoy your birthday. I hope it is happy.

Summer vacation for us is slightly longer away than a month after Easter. She's being unreasonable.

I do find it interesting that she's blaming only you when it's your husband's decision as well. My mother has said since our daughter was born (keep in mind she's 7) that my husband didn't want her to come stay with us after she was born, even though it was me that made that decision and told her. And I've told her repeatedly since then.

It sucks that they had to reschedule, but it's not your fault and you shouldn't be blamed for having a conflict on the new weekend. My family also is big on Easter and it's really hard for me this year not being able to go home for it because I'm too pregnant and having other issues so dr doesnt want me to make the 4 hour car trip. And yet my aunt is still trying to guilt me about how sad my grandma is and how they've never had to share this holiday and blah blah. Honestly, I'm just letting it go in one ear and out the other.

I'm going to go with neither (although neither of you is being very accommodating either). I'm guessing your in-laws picked Easter weekend because they assumed that no one would be working and that it would work for everyone involved. It isn't convenient for you. Which is a shame and your mother in law should understand that, express her disappointment and forget about it.

If it were me, I would send my husband and children and I would stay home. Or I would leave early Saturday morning...say at six....get there around nine, stay for a few hours and do the Xmas thing, leave around four or five and get home by nine.

If my inlaws rescheduled Christmas on Easter, I'd balk, too, simply because it's juggling another holiday that is very important to me. I have a tradition of a sunrise service and then dinner with my grandmother (it is usually a very small gathering) and to date it has not been a big deal holiday to my in-laws. If they just decided and did not poll or ask, then it is to be expected that not everyone can go. I would have been very torn myself, especially if I was expected to stay the whole weekend. My sister lives 3 hours from us and we always day trip it. I think her biggest problem was picking another major holiday just a few weeks before said holiday, especially if it conflicted with your birthday. She could have picked another date, especially since it's already well into the new year. Picking Easter seems underhanded, IMO. Did she not think other people had plans?

I hope that your husband is realizing that his mother is over the top and is defending the family choice (it was a FAMILY choice, right? You did talk to him first?) to your MIL. If she is that nasty, I wouldn't want to be around her, Easter or Christmas or any other day.

Ummm, nope. You don't get to arbitrarily pick a date to reschedule a family holiday without running it by the rest of the family (on another holiday, nonetheless), and then get mad when people can't come.
You are not being unreasonable.
And I would be more than irritated that they are mad at me about it.

Not unreasonable! I would take the same path you are taking. Relax and enjoy your birthday/Easter weekend and let his mother fester in HER selfishness.

It sounds like you answered the question yourself, and it ain't you being unreasonable! To come up with a date and expecting everyone else to change their plans in two weeks does not sound like much thought was put into it, especially for busy families. Three hours is not bad for a day trip -- my best friend lives three hours away and we visit as often as we can, usually a couple times a year back and forth -- but not when you already have plans for a weekend. Tell them you would be happy to visit another time, and if that's not going to appease your husband's family, then visit on the next major holiday.

On a funny side note, my late grandmother always seemed to run the family social calendar when I was younger, but she didn't always get that the rest of the family had lives, too. One time she planned out and held a Labor Day picnic at her house -- but forgot to tell anyone and was mad when no one showed up!

You have previous commitments, end of story. I would've expected that they'd have discussed the date a few months ago if it was so important. That way everyone could work together to agree on a date. They didn't do that (or chose not to include your family in the planning), so you shouldn't feel bad. They're being unreasonable, expecting you to flake on the plans that you've already made with your family.

This would be too late for lots of people. Here in town spring break has already past so that would mean a stressful hurried trip.

I would consider telling them, it is a bit late for you all, but early during summer break you all will go up there and visit. Then do it.

When our daughter was in school , we were scheduled to the gills in advance and the end of the school year was jam packed.

Um, even moms that don't work full time need more than two weeks notice usually.
I would totally stay out of it. If your husband doesn't want to go with the kids then obviously something is wrong with his mom!! Let him continue to take the calls from her.
Have a good time on your birthday!
L.

Neither of you are unreasonable in how you FEEL but how she is acting is not okay.

It sounds like your MIL is unreasonable. Why did it take 4 months to reschedule this? You say that the grandparents are in better health and this would not be the last visit, so I would vote for going up as soon as school ended. If you have standing plans for Easter, it is not reasonable for her to expect you to change your plans on two weeks notice. Why couldn't they have this get together in February or March? If they really had wanted this on Easter, they should have brought it up way before now.

I work full-time too with two kids and it IS hard to manage everything. As for the birthday, frankly, I would not want to spend my birthday like this...selfish or not. It sounds like not going was a joint decision between you and your husband. He NEEDS to tell his Mom that and own the decision...it is not fair for you to bear the brunt of her anger.

Well, I can see that they're trying to reschedule Christmas due to the hospitalization of the grandparents.
Easter probably seemed like a good idea. I don't think it's unreasonable.
I'm sure your MIL would like to celebrate "Christmas" with her son and her grandchildren.
She MIGHT have been thinking Easter weekend was good because most people kind if set that aside as family get together time...
I mean you can look at it both ways.
I see your points, I do.
But you had to "kind of" know this was coming...fairly soon.
Tough choice. Is talk to my husband again and I'd OFFER to go and leave it up to him, probably.
Good luck!

I'd pick another time to go, and make sure you do it. Yeah, you'll get fussed at, but with 2 weeks notice for a major holiday, when you already have the month planned out, it is what it is...

I don't think that either of you is being unreasonable. You want what you want and are sticking to your respective guns.

That said, I feel the exact same way about birthdays in general and mine in particular. I don't go through the trouble of explaining the whole thing, either. "That's my birthday, and I have plans." I don't expect all traffic to stop for it; I just won't be participating in anything that would put a damper on it, except, maybe, a funeral. Weddings and other gatherings do not trump my birthday--for MY attendance/participation--just by virtue of their "special" nature.

Don't go. Move forward with your plans and make arrangements to see the grandparents before or soon after, if their health is of your concern. Be matter of fact about your plans not to attend. Don't go back and forth about it. Somebody scheduled something that conflicts with your calendar. Period. Don't entertain any further conversation about it. Let your husband field all her comments. You don't have to know everything.

You have so many valid reasons why you shouldn't go, and only one reason (crazy MIL) why you would go. Ignore your MIL. She's the unreasonable one.

Not unreasonable. Enjoy your Easter at home.

Have you or your husband talked to the grandparents?

Is your MIL hoping to travel with you and your family?

Did you expect the rescheduled holiday to happen over another holiday? Are they actually celebrating Christmas? (not the point of your question, but curious).

3 hours is not THAT far (at least to me). I would suck it up and do it, assuming she does not regularly pull this on you.

My husband goes alone if flying is involved. It is so expensive to fly 4 people vs. 1 person.

edit: i forgot the fact that your parents are hosting Easter and this will cause you to cancel on them. Your parents are important too.

Your MIL is the unreasonable one.

My family does this too - often times when it is to go visit my grandfather, who lives 3 hours away, and I HATE to miss big family gatherings with him, so we usually make it work. But we often arrive later (after basketball/baseball games are over we leave) or we leave before others to get home in time for a dance practice. We have very busy lives and can't drop things at the drop of a dime to go somewhere.

The rest of my family members have dogs and must find sitters for the dogs...so it's a challenge always.

But we understand and don't ever expect people to go. It's nice to make it work, but that's short notice. I wouldn't care what my MIL had to say if she did that to me. And if my husband didn't want to go either, end of story.

Sorry but I'm a working mom of 4 kids and I'd drop things and go. While it's nice that you'll have time to visit them during the summer, they very well may not both be alive or well then. This could be the last holiday that the family spends together, you just don't know. Your birthday? Come on, really? Act like and adult, re-schedule your birthday plans and go.

We cancelled the extended family Christmas in 2012 because my grandmother didn't feel well and she was hospitalized and died a couple of weeks after. Last September, our Rosh Hoshanna plans with my husband's family were interrupted due to his grandmother being hospitalized and instead of celebrating the Jewish new year, we gathered for her funeral. Elderly people with health problems don't live forever and sometimes spending time with our loved ones is more important than having your precious weekend plans rearranged.

nope not unreasonable. You have given plenty of notice.
Enjoy your birthday and Easter.
many blessings

I would first start with your husband doesn't want to go, so it is as simple as, you are not going at this time.

That is his relationship with his mother and he seems to have made his decision.

As for all of the other reason's you can't make it, you could, if you wanted, but it is not a priority...and that is okay.

I am not sure what exact reason's you provided your MIL that your family could not make it, but it seems you have given her the target and ammunition. Your husband should have responded with his reason(s). No worries, I have been there plenty of times and if it is not this, it would only be something else.

My husband and I can leave town in a days notice after about 3 texts back and forth as to who is taking care of what and when.

First, she had no right to pick a date and demand everyone comply (Especially on a holiday weekend). Second, she has no right to 'bad mouth' you to your husband (that is inappropriate and should not be tolerated).

I think you should find a weekend to drive and visit with the grandparents. She can come over and do Christmas any night with the kids (no offense, Christmas was 5 months ago--she couldn't find any time in 5 months to deliver gifts 20 min away???).

IMO, 3 hours isn't that bad. But, we are a military family and the closest we've ever lived to family is a 15 hour drive. You could even do a long day. Get up at 7am and get there by 10am. Have lunch/visit, leave at 4pm, and arrive home at 7pm. Maybe you could get a neighbor to let your pets out once or twice.

For me, it's more the fact that they put the new date on another big holiday, rather than the lack of notice. Most people who celebrate Easter have set plans that they do every year (as is the case with you) and cannot simply drop those plans on short notice. In a marriage, holidays need to be negotiated and worked out for fairness - no one should make demands one way or the other. So, since you have an Easter tradition, you should not have to drop your plans for Christmas in April.

You should however, suggest some other weekends that you would be available to celebrate Christmas with them. If the grandparents are not healthy, waiting until summer might be too long. I know you and your kids are busy, but perhaps a compromise by finding a weekend in May (whenever your busy time at work is over) and celebrating then.

Sounds like you got to celebrate Christmas with your family instead of with you inlaws so I don't find it unreasonable that she would have picked Easter to reschedule from Christmas, makes sense to me. Personally, since I'm assuming you had xmas with your family, I would go to inlaws for Easter, (I'm a very *fair* person).

Since you probably won't give in, I see the compromise to be that your husband and kids go and you stay behind.

If neither you nor your husband wants to attend, then there's no problem... except for one person's attitude.

How she talks about you all is something you can't change. You might keep in mind, however, that not everyone she talks to will believe what she says.

Let your husband - that is, ask him to - do the communicating with his mother on this one. He can simply say, "No, we won't be there," and repeat as necessary.

Well, unfortunately, some people always feel that their event is more important than anyone else's.......

Not saying one is more important than the other.....

I'm assuming that your kids are in school, and having them miss a day or two or school isn't a good thing (and highly frowned upon from a school point of view).....

Can you tell them that you will drive up for a day to visit them another time that works for your family?

I have tried to NOT be that MIL, and be flexible when it comes to having my kids visit... or for when we will "celebrate" different holidays... (my daughter has to deal with 2 in-law families, as well as our family for scheduling holiday events.... whew!)

I agree with the person who noted that there's no reason why you cannot just forego the official family Christmas thing this year since it was the year the grandparents on both sides were ill. It is NOT the end of civilization as we know it if there is not a Christmas that involves everyone possible. Did you and your own family (husband and kids) celebrate Christmas? Well, you had Christmas!

Of course...it's not the end of civilization if your birthday isn't the pinnacle of the calendar, either. But in this case, their notice was too short, and placing "Christmas" on another holiday is, well, an idea that doesn't work if one actually celebrates that other holiday.

But there are two bigger issues:

One, where is your husband in this discussion? So your MIL is mad at you? He, not you, should be dealing with her -- His family, his responsibility. She's saying things to him that are so bad he won't repeat them to you --but he tells you that she's saying them? Why does he burden you with that instead of just telling his mother to stop speaking to him about you in a disrespectful way?

Two, this seems to be mostly about your birthday and the value you place on having to celebrate it ON that day.

You say he says he doesn't want to go himself or with the kids without you, but have you offered to him that he might want to go to see his aging and infirm grandparents one extra time? Why can't he go on his own, and the kids stay home with you so he can visit with his grandparents (more than with his parents, really)? Is there a chance that he's saying he doesn't want to go because he knows you'd be upset or angry if he's not with you on your birthday?

Find out. Ask if he would go on his own, to see his grandparents, if it were not your birthday. Offer to support him if he wants to go on his own because frankly -- you will have other birthdays but his grandparents might not have other Easters or Christmases.

He's not stepping up like he should and defending you with his mom, maybe, but also, take care that he isn't feeling that he risks your anger and resentment if he is gone over your birthday to see his own family. You want to see your own grandmother; maybe he wants to see his grandparents even thought the timing's not great; have you asked him how he feels about that?

Yes, you can see them in the summer, but if they're not well, why not encourage him to see them this extra time? Make it about him and his grandparents and not about your birthday.

I'm going to go with both of you. She should have given you more notice, but you should be willing to spend some time with his family since you didn't see them at Christmas. Your reasons don't sound very realistic (it's just one night, it's not that hard) and sound more like excuses because you have things you'd rather do. We ALL have things we'd rather do than spend time with the inlaws, but for fairness and peace sake, we go for the visits. As long as you and hubs are prepared to deal with her, and the potential guilt of what can happen when you put off a visit to elderly sick grandparents, then don't go and enjoy your one free weekend.

First, if she started asking what date was good for this one and that one it would be crazy. So a date was picked. Whoever can make it does. . Just go for the day. Three hours is not that far. We always did three hour trips in a day. This way she is happy and you have visited. I would have said yes and then if I did not want to go, I would call that day and say kid sick. Not the greatest thing to do, but it would have avoided all the grief now.

I don't think either of you is necessarily being unreasonable. It sounds like you knew they would be rescheduling at some point, it was just a matter of when. Do you really need two weeks to "prepare" for a one night trip? But they could have given you more notice, although maybe they were waiting to be sure the grandparents would be up to it.

I can see not wanting to go, but all of your little excuses are really just excuses. I know because I would probably do the same thing for something I really just do not want to go to--think of every reason in the world why it's a giant hassle in my life. So don't go, but you don't need us to help you justify it.

I don't think your in laws are being unreasonable but your feelings are valid as well.

It seems to me you are under a lot of stress and that is making you think this should be your hill to die on. I just don't think that is a good idea.