Need Parenting Time Due to Divorce Feedback, Please.

A. - I went through a divorce recently, separated over a year ago and feel it was the best decision, even though there are times I wonder the effects on my son, I know we are both better off because mom is finally happy.

At what age was your child during the initial Divorce? 1

What parenting time did you use? Initially we did one night a week with dad, no overnight and Sat from 10 a.m. until Sunday at noon. We are now 50/50, doing the 5 day/5 day/2 day/2 day schedule.

What parenting time would you recommend? I love this schedule as opposed to a week on, week off for 50/50 custoday, as a week is too long for any child to be away from one parent.

Holiday parenting time? Vacation parenting time? recommendations? Luckily my ex and I get along still and so we always work this out between us depending on what weekend/weekday it falls on and the other person's schedule.

Most importantly, how did your child react to coming back to the
primary care takers home after being w/ dad for a weekend, etc? So far my son is doing well. He has not had a lot of problems, of course, we have been separated since he was a year, so it is what he knows. Also, I think it helps that my ex and I get along. If my son wants to talk to "daddy" we just call him and vice-versa.
Crying? None at all
Sensitivity? None that I have noticed
Temper Tantrums? None, other than normal 2 year old behavior
Moodiness? A little tired after being with his dad, but nothing unmanageable.
Name calling? None
Other...please share?
Etc?

How long did the above negative reactions last for ( at each drop off )? As I said, my son has known nothing different and his father and I both still take him to his doctor appts together and keep him on the same schedule, etc. We have been lucky enough to know to put our differences aside when it comes to anything that relates to our son.

How many weeks, months, years, etc did it take for your child to
adjust to 'Mommy's house, Daddy's house' and
quit the negative reactions to the shared time? If still having
negative experience, please share how long this has
been. Age of child, now? 2 1/2, no negative reactions. He just knows that he has two homes and loves them both.

Do you have a play therapist that you recommend? Never used one, don't feel it is necessary right now. However, if I notice anything in the future, I would be open to using one.

A.,
You are about to embark on one of the most annoying and potentially rewarding times in your families life. Annoying from the fact that you family will be negatively impacted. No way around that. Potentially rewarding from the fact that you can now say out with the old in with the new. Just don't take on the same problems in a different person the next time. The parenting time is totally based on the needs of the child(ren). To say that one family needs the daddy there after school to see the kids may be far to extreme for another family that hardly ever saw dad. However, the basics that remain true are this. The kids come first - period. It is how you appraoch this that will actually make the difference.

Get everything you can in writing, be specific leave no stone unturned in the details. This gives the framework, if there is disagreement, that can be referenced and -if needed - enforced.

The biggest problem that parenting time has is fairness and the lack of childish behavior on the parents part. The, "but it's my weekend and you can't have the child" nonesense. Especially, when the child has opportunity to go and do something like a birthday party is beyond problematic. However, having recently seen a parent who absolutley felt that since it was his weekend that the birthday party landed on for his child, having been set up weeks before, would need to be cancelled so that he could have his "parenting time" is an example of the childishness that is possible.

So get things spelled out clearly. In this case the parents forgot to spell out the birthday issue in thier parenting plan and it left a loophole for the idiot dad to claim his weekend without recourse. The child however, now gets the pleasure of not having her freinds come to her own birthday party so the dad can get his bloody parenting time. What an idiot.

So it is with great joy and sorrow that parenting time needs to be planned. The joy of time with the child and the sorrow of thinking what an idiot the other parent could be and protecting the child from such idiocy.

So tread with a firm hand upfront and things will go much somoother. Being able to plan is important. Create a calender for the year on-line so that no "gee I didn't know about that" things come up and get on with being a partial parent. You can't predict what is totally appropriate for your child ten years from now, but you can draft into the plan that in the event of a need to alter the plan there is a prceedure that is agreed to now.

By the way a play therapist is great - for the parents. Just get down on your hands and knees and play with your kid. No intervention needed just "be" a parent. Put aside the need to win and get down to the basics of being a parent and you will find that all the stuff a therapist could tell you to do is really in you already. Just think with one thought - I am a parent I am responsible for this life I chose to create - and you will do the right thing.
D.

Are you the mom of a child(ren) who have gone through Divorce,
Separation, etc? Yes

At what age was your child during the initial Divorce? My sons were 7 & 3

What parenting time did you use? We did week on/Week off ith an over night dinner night in the middle of the week, because we felt a week was a long time not only for them to be away from either parent...and frnakly, I didn't want to spend a week without my kids... Reasoning for doing this parenting time? My attorney is a "Child Advocate" Attorney and she said that when you break up the time too much on the child/ren to imagine moving out of my house every 3 or 4 days and how much fun and stability would that create? So by doing the week on/week off thing, it creates more stability in their lives. Does this work for everyone? I can't say that. But my kids know that Sunday they go with mom or dad for that week and don't have to keep track of how many days until the next visit.

What parenting time would you recommend? Week on/week off

Holiday parenting time? Vacation parenting time? recommendations? I think it depends on how well you get along with your soon to be ex. My ex and I have worked incredibly hard to make this good for the kids. This last Christmas (07) he has them in IL for 9 days. Generally we alternate. Last year I had them New Years Eve and this year he did. Etc.

Most importantly, how did your child react to coming back to the
primary care takers home after being w/ dad for a weekend, etc?
Crying? Yes, at first... because my oldest was so sad about the divorce. Not sure how old your kid/s are.
Sensitivity? Absolutely
Temper Tantrums? no
Moodiness? yes
Name calling? no
Other...please share?
Etc? I think each kid is so different

How long did the above negative reactions last for ( at each drop off )? We have been apart for over 2 years and divorced for over a year. As long as you are consistent, things will get easier faster. No name calling of your ex, see if you can get on the same type of bedtime schedules with your ex...etc.. it helps when there is consistency in both homes. Again, not sure your situation.

How many weeks, months, years, etc did it take for your child to
adjust to 'Mommy's house, Daddy's house' and
quit the negative reactions to the shared time? If still having
negative experience, please share how long this has
been. Age of child, now? About 6 months.

Do you have a play therapist that you recommend? none

Hi A.. First I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am 43, was legally seperated two and a half years ago and finalized divorce in May of 07'. I have two small children, son 3 1/2 and daughter 6. They were super young when my ex left and moved out of state.
Our parenting time is obviously different due to him being out of state. I at first was super flexible in him visiting, even getting him from the airport and allowing him to stay in the spare room to have constant contact with our kids during visits. That after a while he took advantage of and stopped. Since then the visitation right now stands he can visit them whenever he wants, here! He would have to fly with them to and from to see him in Texas so he comes here and just stays in a hotel when he is here. Unfortunately, my kids don't see their dad often. It breaks my heart for them, he calls every day, does the webcam but my situation isn't the "typical".
I would say really focusing on giving them security is crucial. Tons of security, reassurance on both parts. NEVER bad mouth each other, try and minimalize all stressors in every way around your kids.
I tried to protect my kids too much. My daughter was 4 when my husband left and when I didn't explain it like I should have I had fall out as children will draw their own conclusions. I kind of led her to believe he left due to his job which was wrong. I didn't even say the word divorce until later and I should have. I had a rough summer last year with my daughter as a lot of stuff came up I was so unprepared for. We actually did go to a FABULOUS family therapist that helped the three of us so much! My daughter had a lot of non typical fears, like weather, accidents happening and so on that were a result of just feeling insecure about the changes in our lives. She and I really figured things out and learned to communicate and talk about our worries. I figured out through therapy to be honest, at their level. To explain the situation and ALWAYS answer their questions and let them always feel welcome to come to you with any question. You needn't get too detailed, however that trust has to be there for them.
You and your ex need to establish what works for your children and yourself. Like are they in school, if so then maybe the every other weekend at daddy's would be best so they can keep a routine. I am a strong believer dividing time and being at two different homes with school in session is upsetting to the kids even if they seem adjusted during the week. You have to be on the same page with discipline and schedules too.
I had a tough time at first being on duty 24/7. I felt like the only parent not a single one. I felt a lot on my shoulders and was stressed out a lot at first. We all established a good routine. I stayed at home with the help of the courts to be here since my kids were so young and doing child care from home so I can be here continually for them until they both are in school full time. I haven't even dated as I am so concerned about upsetting the routine or bringing a stranger in their lives yet. Plus I need my "own space" at the end of the day! :) Thankfully my resentment of my ex did pass, life adjusted and kids are super resilient. My therapist said "kids just need you to be happy and okay and then they feel safe and okay". That is so true!!!! Take care of yourself. Realize that they are the last that should suffer and never be used as pawns. It is now about moving forward and having a "parenting" plan with your ex that works for all. There will be bumps, hiccups and stressful moments. You are allowed to cry, get upset and angry. Just remind yourself that your kids are using you and your ex as an example on how to handle things with another when there is disagreement. I am always encouraging my ex to come here and see the kids, encouraging my kids to call their dad and share their day, constantly reminding them how much he and I love them. As they get older it will be their choice if they choose to spend a holiday with him instead of here. One thing I made clear in the divorce is if they do not want to do something, neither should make them due to "a divorce agreement", meaning if they don't want to spend a holiday away from their home then they shouldn't have to, period. If they want to go spend a week or so with daddy in the summer, then I have to except it (though I would miss them so much). There are great books out there. One is What about the Children, I think that is the name. It is super good and helps with all the age groups and what may or may not transpire in their head at those ages. Sorry for the novel. I have had a long road and learned so much the past few years. I never wish it on anyone, however I think ultimately the way my marriage was it was in the long run it would have been more of a negative then the divorce itself. I worry, constantly, I make mistakes however I know ultimately we are doing what we can and are a good team, my kids and I. Good luck, God Bless and hang in there, it gets better daily!!!