Always Pitching in and Never Getting Back

Updated on June 25, 2008
J.W. asks from North Aurora, IL
22 answers

I have a wierd question. The playgroup I belong to is again asking to for contributions to a gift for one of the members who is expecting their 4th child. My husbands job isn't very steady with money coming in, he works on commission and times are slow. so money is very tight. I don't want to seem like a prude, and would like to contribute if my situation was different, or if I even knew this person a little better than just a 'playgroup mom'. The other part of this is that this seems to be a recurring thing of asking for contributions - when someone's expecting, when someone suffers a death, if someone gets hurt, if someone lost their job, etc. I guess what hurts me is I recently had a child and I didn't receive any gift from the group or help with my meals, etc. I got maybe 3 members who emailed me and said congrats, but that was it. How can I step up and help these people when it doesn't seem that I'm in that 'click' of people the group helps. Do you know what I'm talking about??? Anyone else find themselves in this situation? I feel bad about not helping, but it's kind of a 2 sided sword.

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So What Happened?

Wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who replied back and made me feel better about not being able to help, I wish my playgroup would have made me feel that way. A few of the gals were very turned off that I didn't pitch in and help, although I tried to explain how tight money way. I never led on about my part of "Why should I pitch in when I didn't get anything when I had my child", because I felt that they would have really nosed me out for that comment. SO...after thinking about it, I decided to leave the playgroup and look for another one closer to my house anyway. I also felt this wasn't the right attitude I wanted my daughter to see (seeing her mom get sidelined because of the inability to help). She'll be starting school soon (well - preschool) and hopefully I can find some mom's within the school that I can jive with.
Again - Thank you to everyone for all your comments and sharing with me that you have the same opinion as I did and I wasn't so crazy.

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B.V.

answers from Chicago on

I agree with the rest of the responses. Maybe you can have a meeting w/the rest of the group about keeping theses donations at a minimum or to give everybody the option to either donate or not. You should not feel obligated or anyone in the group for that matter. There are probably other Moms going trhough a similar situation and feel the same way. Or just simply look for another group. Good Luck!

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D.W.

answers from Chicago on

Remember pitching in is the right thing to do and sometimes we see the benefits of that and sometimes we don't. You have done the right thing. As far as this next thing, I would just be honest and say, as much as I would like to help, money is tight right now and I just can't at this time. If they are friends at all, they will understand. You sound like a great lady and someone who would be a true friend. You have a good heart, but it is okay to say no. Been a hard lesson for me, but have learned that sometimes we just have to.

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E.Z.

answers from Chicago on

H J.,
It obviously is not equitable. I would give what you want.
I belong to a similiar community and when I adopted my son I was shocked how many came forward. As for me, I realized that somethings I have the time, energy and money and sometimes I don't. When I do, I participate. When I don't, I just do what I can (sometimes it is nothing). But that is why we maintain our community because it is the same for everyone in the group.
If people are asking you directly, I would tell them what you are able to give, or that you will not be contributing at this time and not be apologetic about it.
E.

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S.F.

answers from Chicago on

Hi J.,

Why do you stay in this group? Unless your child really loves the others, why not ditch them and find another group? Clearly some are more equal than you, and that has to affect your interaction with them. If there are individuals you like, get together with them in a smaller group. You should not stick around for this inferior treatment and definitely should not abet it by contributing money!

Good luck,
S. F.
mom to 2 big boys!

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J.C.

answers from Rockford on

I would be hurt too. Maybe this is not the group for you to be in. If this happened to me, I would say I am not able to contribute. If they acted funny or questioned it, I would explain that I do not mind pitching in when I can but am a little confused about why some are helped and others receive no recognition or help at all. If you are not in the receiving clique, then you should not be expected to be part of the giving clique. That is very unclassy and rude, not to mention selfish of them. I feel that you have been taken advantage of. You can always send a congrats card when the baby is born. That is all you need to do as an acquaintance if you want.

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N.D.

answers from Chicago on

Sounds like maybe this group isn't a good fit for you? Maybe you should start looking for a group that makes you feel more welcome and will give back?

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S.W.

answers from Chicago on

If you don't really know this person well, I would politely decline. If you are able to, cook a meal or offer to watch her older kids for a short time after the baby comes. I believe these things are more valuable to a mom of 4. Is it possible for the playgroup to throw her a cassorole shower? Where each person brings her a dinner that she can freeze and reheat after the baby comes?

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S.

answers from Chicago on

I know exactly how you feel. You don't want to be "what about me" but if it is going to be done for one it should be done for all. I had the same thing occur to me at work. When all the others were pregnant - their departments did an all work baby shower. When I was pregnant with #4 (the only one I had at this place of employment) there was nothing. I didn't even get a congrats email! Yet, I am asked on a monthly basis to donate to baby gifts, cook meals, clean house etc for whoever in the building who has had anything happen. It is very hurtful, but I just decline politely and don't give a reason. I have found that if anyone asks - I usually say that I can't afford to fund everyone elses children (family or whatever the occasion) when I have 4 children of my own that I am raising myself. I know that it is not very "pc" but it is how I feel and everyone is treated equally.

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G.H.

answers from Chicago on

No one should be pressured to "donate". Nobody knows the other guys finances and it isn't fair. You got screwed also by not getting..I love to just get along with everyone so I've tried to fit and just stick it out. It's up to you. Next enrollment, I'de get her into a class on a different day or at another place.

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J.S.

answers from Champaign on

Don't feel you have to give, do what you want or can. As far as receiving meals when you had a baby, maybe the others requested the help or let everyone else know that they needed/wanted help. Have you discussed this with anyone in the group, perhaps they were unsure that you wanted/needed help?

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D.L.

answers from Chicago on

Hi J.,
Tell the group that you are not able to contribute & that it is unfair to give to some & not others. Then I would find a new group. They are only including you when they want something from you. You don't need people like that in your life.

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L.C.

answers from Chicago on

I agree with everyones response. Just say "sorry, i cant". You can give some explanation if you want, or not. You may feel awkward for a minute but you will get over it and eventually they will stop asking. Dont feel pressured to give when you cant or dont want to. It will get easier everytime you say no.

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R.R.

answers from Peoria on

Easy, just tell them "I can't this time" W/ the economy the way it is anyone should be able to understand that!! I have seen a few things like that at work, Sucks that high school never seems to end sometimes. Hope things pick up for your DH!!

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A.P.

answers from Chicago on

That stinks! They should have gotten you gifts if they are always getting things for the other moms! I would ignore the request or decline if asked straight out. How rude! I would be mad/upset also if I were you.

J.S.

answers from Chicago on

I would politely decline or ignore the request (especially an emailed request - delete, delete, delete). You don't have to give a reason - you don't owe anyone an explanation.

I can understand your frustation of always being asked to give, giving, and not getting anything in return. Obviously, it's okay to not give gifts in the playgroup.

I hope this helps.

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T.L.

answers from Peoria on

I would simply say that you are unable at this time due to finacial situations at home. I don't think it is fair that you always contribute and when it is your turn, they just put you on the way side. That is not nice and you are NOT a prude for thinking so. Maybe it's time to find a NEW mommy playgroup!

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W.P.

answers from Chicago on

Well I agree that a) you should never be pressured to contribute and b) it seems unfair that people didn't step up for you. However it is possible they didn't percieve your need. Also, ultimately we are responsible for our own behavior and no one else's. Therefore, I would do what feels right for you, i.e. if you can't contribute financially but would like to contribute in some way, you could offer to help out in some other way, perhaps. In my experience it is best not to expect things tit for tat. For example, I was extremely generous and helpful to one group of friends when I was younger, kind of almost a mom to them, and yet when I got older, had a kid and needed some help back, they were not there for me. However a totally different group of friends were extremely supportive and even came to my rescue when I needed it. I feel I was "given back to", just by a totally different group of people! I realized that the other group just didn't get it, but it didn't matter, the Universe did.

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D.G.

answers from Chicago on

I would just say that you are going to do something for the mom on your own, and then maybe bring her over dinner or send her a card or something. I would also find a new playgroup...it does not sound like this one is a good fit for you!

I would not confront the group about not doing anything for you after your baby was born....you want people to do nice things because they want to, and they obviously did not want to, so speaking up could just backfire on you and make you look bad. You know that they are not real friends....if that is okay for you then you should stay in their playgroup, if it is not find another group!

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T.S.

answers from Chicago on

Seriously, that's pretty crappy that no one in the group did anything for you! That would hurt and I can see why you are hesitant to participate. If you aren't comfortable doing it - for whatever reason. Then don't. If you declining makes the others treat you differently, those aren't the people I would want to hang out with any way.

I've kinda evolved to just doing my own thing for people in our "group" that get married, have a b-day, kids, whatever. It's easier than trying to go all in together and worry about who contributed what amount and such. I like to have a little bit more control as to how much I spend and on whom. But, that's just me.

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A.M.

answers from Chicago on

It sounds to me as if there is a definate "in" group that you are not in if you just had a baby & did not receive a gift & now they are asking you to contribute for a gift for another member, I know it is going to be hard to say, but I would say something on the line of, I just had a child & did not receive a gift from anyone or the group as a whole so I am not inclined to give a gift either, maybe the women who are a little closer to so & so should pitch in for a seperate gift & then send an e-mail congratulations to that person, the expectation especially for someones 4th child--I mean what has happened to---only a shower for your first child or children (twins). By all means if you were close then maybe a gift is in order, but I would opt out of that one.

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

This is like reading something that happens to me all the time. It started years ago when I was pregnant with my first child and had no money. I was constantly getting asked for money at my place of employment for baby gifts and shower gifts, yet when I had my baby nothing!!!! A few people gave me some small items but nothing compared to all the money I had to contribute for everyone else. Over the years I have just learned be honest, cordial and do what fits your situation. I would just say I would love to contribute but my husbands job is not going well and money is extremely tight. You will see over the years you will drift in and out of groups because this kind of thing happens all the time and it gets really old. As your children get older it's nice to be able to put them in park district activities where you won't have to deal with this. Do yourself a favor and stick to your guns. If you keep giving and are frustrated about the situation it will usually come to a boil and probably not end very nicely.

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

J.,
I agree with most of the posts....You simply can't contribute. Finances are tight...Bottom line you need to take care of yourself and family first period....If your group can't do for all and are just selective...then you know you need another group....I have gotten more "ballsy" as I have aged a bit and have been pretty direct about these sort of things....And by the way it is pretty liberating to be direct! :D ...You can be direct but not rude....This contribute to one and not everyone is a bunch of bull....Get a new group....Too much anymore people are about themselves vs...being selfless and helping others equally...Good luck

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