Almost 3 Yr Old Holds a Grudge

Yea, you! Keep up the good work. I have worked with preschoolers for 30 years, and I like what you have to say. It all sounds very fair, but firm. I attended a workshop one time that said you have to offer a child a new food at least 12 times before they know if they like it!
We need more parents that believe as you do.

Karen
Sounds like you are doing a great job! don't give in, It's your house. I had the same experience raising my now 17 year old and a wise woman gave me a book to read by Dr. James Dobson, The Strong Willed Child. It helps you keep your wits about you!

in my opinion,using my own experiences with my now grown 3 children, the parents must be consistent. we may WE honestly find that our demands are unreasonable, then it is our option to alter the rules in some way. However, how often is that the case? WE makes rules for good reasons of doing what is healthy and safe for our children. AT 2 yrs old I do not feel the child is mature enough to make decisions on what he will or will not eat. Also, I've learned from my pediatrician back in the day, A child will eat when he/she is hungry enough! Yes we must nudge them to eat and serve them healthy foods. But sometimes they refuse to eat. If we give in to their demands for the unhealthy foods, they will always demand until they are given their way! So stick to your guns, push for the healthy foods. And if he remains angry for the entire day, love him anyway. Don't approve of bad behavior if it's being demonstrated in order to make his point. However, he has his own feelings and will learn in time how to manage the negative emotions and feelings. Guide him lovingly, offer him other healthy ways to express his anger, AND OF COURSE, you could always use the old---If you eat your meal as it is served you would not go through such bad feelings all day or all night!

You know your child better than anyone, so I am no one to judge him or his feelings. I only know that most children of this age will test their boundaries and it is up to the parents to set the limits and stand firm.

good luck and GOD Bless your family!

I congratulate you for being PARENTS and standing strong on what you expect from your child! Continue to stand strong as parents. I used to have a preschool class of children with vision problems (and sometime developmental delays) due to premature birth. I knew what each one would eat and how much. I would not make anyone eat what they did not like because as grownups we don't eat anything we don't like either. But if there was something for breakfast or lunch I'd seen one devour last week I wasn't playing that game! All dessert was placed in the middle of the table until lucn was done. For one who liked rolls better than dessert her bread was used as dessert. But it goes beyond meals, it's a lifestyle for raising children. I remained consistent for my own child, too. You remain consistent and they find comfort in the boundaries you set. If he's sticking his little lips out, as my mother would say, "He's too little to beat up anybody." In the long run they know you're looking out for the best for them and they are far more appreciative of it--even through the pouting. Stay patient and strong.

I am not a child psychologist, but have you read "The New Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. Dobson? You might take a glance at the book, or google it and see if you can read an excerpt online. Perhaps you have a natural-born leader on your hands :) Dr. Dobson gives some really sound advice help for parents of strong-willed children. I was in denial for a while about my 3 1/2 year old being "strong-willed". How dare someone put a label on my child! But when a friend put this book in my hands I curiously skimmed the pages then found myself crying with relief - I am not alone! I hope that it may give you some direction as you seek to be the Mommy and Daddy God has created you to be with the chilren He's entrusted to you as well :)
L. C.

Let him hold his grudge - he will soon get over it. It's not hurting anyone but him and he will soon learn that you can't always get what you want. Just part of growing up.

I have four sons - the youngest is the grumpiest of the lot and stubborn too. We just ignore him when he has his moods and let him get on with life. I always tell him I love him at bedtime even when he's screaming 'I hate you!' at me.

Hope this helps.

He sounds likea determined young man lol..you seem to be doing the right thing and it is a battle of wills so you must not allow him to 'Win' or you will be lost when he is older.

he needs some will but as you say, the world does not revolve around him.

my suggestion, for what it is worth, is to go about your business and treat him as if nothing had happened and if he want to assert himself more, i would ignore it and just act as if you didn't see it i think that when he realizes that you are not stressed or that his behavior bothers you then i think he will get over it. it is worth a try maybe.

my granddaughter is now in the 'terrible twos' and she has a lot of will too but we are nipping it in the bud...at least i think we are. she is so darn cute and tries to charm us to get her way...hard to resist but necessary. good luck dear.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. I suggest acting as if you don't notice the grudges and continue as usual. He is acting this way to get a reaction from you. Go ahead and hug and kiss him as normal. When he pulls away, etc., you might try saying something like "Oh, I see that you are still upset with yourself for not following the rules." Always link his behavior back to the wrong choice he made. It will frustrate him and may even cause him to say "No, I'm mad at you." The good thing is that he will talk about his feelings/anger rather than hold it inside. You can calmly explain that you are not choosing to punish him, but that he chose the consequence when he chose not to follow the rules. It will take several times, but this teaches children to take responsibility for their actions. When I taught school and children asked what I was going to tell their parents, I would say "I have to tell the truth and you know how you acted. My job is to report it as I see it and I will NEVER tell a lie." Keep up the good work and don't feel guilty when he holds grudges. You are doing the right thing and make sure he knows that you are confident about that.

I have never heard of a 3 year old holding a grudge, mine gets over it in like 5 minutes! You may explain to him what you did to cause him to be unhappy and why. That its your job as his mommy and daddy to help him stay healthy and strong so he can play and grow etc...It may not make him eat the spagetti, but sometimes talking about it helps my daughter get over her anger faster. It could just be a phase and he'll get over it in time.
By the way-you cant MAKE them eat, sleep or potty so you just do the best you can. Our dinner table was becoming a battleground until we decided to just let it go-sometimes my 3 year old will have green beans for dinner and that's it, last night all she ate was corn bread-the result-no snack before bed. It makes her very angry and sometimes she will go back to the table and eat some more of her dinner (we leave it there just in case) so she can get that beloved snack. She knows though if she doesn't eat a decent dinner-no snack.

tO PUT IT BLUNTLY-u already said it...the world doesn't revolve around them and they'll get over it-if they don't immediatley,they will! Let him hold a grudge- he's doing nothing but testing you and if ya'll give him the idea that it doesn't bother you,he's doing nothing but making himself miserable!

I'll jump into the minority here. Tell him his feelings don't matter and he'll eventually do the same.

There are rules for kids to follow for the running of the household, yes. If you find holding a grudge is excessive and stand firm to your rules no matter what, he just might grow up to be very resentful of any authority. A childhood is a very long time to spend fighting.

My son also held a grudge, but I wasn't having it. His punishment for being a sourpus was to the song "I'm so Happy" He sang it with an attitude and had to keep repeated it until he became happy. Before long all the children were in the family room singing and everyone WAS happy. They are all grown now and still remember the happy punishment. Best Wishes.

D.

Hi Karen,
Did you know that some kids have an aversion to the texture of some foods? It can make them sick. My son was that way, and my nephew. My nephew couldn't eat mashed potatoes or things like oatmeal/malt-o-meal. My son, for many years, couldn't eat any form of pasta. It would make him gag. Being as young as your son is, maybe he can't put that into words. I would lighten up on the mealtime rules and simplify everyone's lives. This is just a bone of contention that will grow as time goes by, and you have to ask yourself, is eating a bite of a certain food really worth all that? Maybe that's what is making him hold the grudge?
C.

I hate to say it but I think he should be punished for this unkind behavior. He is harboring his anger and it is hurting those around him. I know as a mother that we hate to think our children are mad at us. He needs to make wise decisions and that includes how he reacts to consequences. If he chooses to not eat the spaghetti (as in your examp.), that's his choice but he can't sulk and hold a grudge. Tell him you will not accept that behavior and he needs to get in an a pleasant one. I know he's just three, but he might be learning that it's alright. He would be sent to the office in school and fired from a job if much older. Good luck and it will be easier to correct now when he's older than waiting until later. Tell him to get over it and act nice.

What I have done in the past is with my 9 year old daughter and 28 mo old son. When I cook a meal. I pretty much know what their likes and dislikes are so I keep this in mind even when I try new recipes. BUT, rule of our house is. Everytime we sit down for a meal and it is in front of them they can not instantly say I don't like that EVEN if previously they didn't. Because usually when I cook something one time it will be different the next. SO, They have to eat atleast 3 good bites of whatever it is. IF they don't like it fine. There is usually a balance on their plate they can fill their nutrious side. IF they refuse to eat they have to stay at table until rest of family is complete and use this time for family convo. (Usually not so easy with 28 mo) but, it gives us that time. IF by the time we all are done and that child hasn't tried their 3 bites of whatever. I will siran wrap it and put it in microwave. IF the come back wanting something to eat. I will go to micro and get that plate n heat it. IF they still refuse. I put it in frig before I go to bed. THEN for breakfast I pull that plate back out.
Keep in mind I only had to do the breakfast left over dinner one time with my 9 year old. She FINALLY ate her 3 bites of pork chops and her veggies and potatoes. Then realized they were pretty good. (either that or she was darn hungry by that time.) and ate rest of chops. Mean while rest of us was eating nice fluffy pancakes. mmmm.
IF you do this the leftover dinner for breakfast will break them.
I haven't had to pull this on my 28 mo old. USUALLY if I say ok, get down your done. and put in micro he is hungry in an hour and I pull same plate out and he eats. But, there isn't too much that kid don't like. haha
I read this somewhere on picky kids and decided to try it. My daughter is STUBBORN. BUt it works. You are not sending them to bed hungry they are chosing this by being stubborn to go to bed hungry.
Good luck
J.

At that age my child remembered some things for WEEKS! When she was almost three she got hold of a black permanent marker and my mom took it out of her hand before she thought about it-- she snatched it, as we had taught my child never to do.

My little girl kept saying Mammy snatched that marker out of my hand! We knew we'd done something we taught her not to do and set a bad example so we talked with her about why snatching is bad and better ways to have handled that situation (we color on paper, we don't want your lovely clothes or Aunt Susan's things to get ruined, marker doesn't wash off, etc.). She taught us that day-- don't behave in a way we don't want to see her behave.

One thing you have to look at is has your child learned this behavior from something the adults in his life, or older children, often do? Are hugs and kisses withheld when he does something you do not like? If he's come up with it on his own (and kids do!) try to figure out why the food thing is such a big deal to him. Does he hold grudges on other issues? Sometimes when my child is mean, I realize he or she is just managing a situation the way he or she has seen the grownups do it, sadly.

Much of what kids do is sort of playacting to try to reason through a situation. They are acting it out to try to see how best to manage it. And you're on the right track, continuing to talk with him about and set examples of better ways to manage it when he's unhappy and better ways to approach food.

At our house the rule is, you don't have to eat it but you have to taste it. I've read many times that to learn to like a food we have to taste it-- I forget, 1000 times or something? And I'm definitely not a short order cook!

They do engage us in power struggles. I try hard to just walk away-- don't like it? You must not be hungry then, and leave it at that, and act normal and loving after setting that boundary. It's hard! Sometimes I do end up wrangling with my child and I hate it!! I wonder who's the three year old some times!

K.
Mother of a five year old and stepmom of a twelve and thirteen year old

Take a flip through Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. Very insightful! I think you'll find some great ideas in there. The woman is a genius. Also, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka wrote a fantastic book called Power Struggles that taught me how to deal with these kinds of things, and it's similarly incredibly insightful into the minds of children and how to work with where they're at, developmentally and temperamentally, to manage discipline challenges and to maximize teaching/personal growth opportunities (for me as much as my child, I think, LOL!). Both books are great this way.

By the way, spaghetti is probably on par with garlic bread, nutrition-wise :) Even the tomato sauce is super processed and over-cooked, killing most of the nutrients. As far as the food fights go, what I'd do is just serve only what I feel good about my child eating, rather than presenting foods in contrasts as "fun foods" and "boring/yucky foods." Otherwise, she'll get the message that healthy food is not as enjoyable as dessert or fun foods like garlic bread. ("You have to eat your _____ before you can eat your ______" tells them this rather point-blank.) I read about this in a parenting magazine, and thought it was brilliant. What they're saying is, it sets a kid up for unhealthy eating habits. And of course, by offering only healthy foods, no matter how much or how little they enjoy it, and how much or how little they eat of it, it's *all* healthy. Kids are a blank slate. For all they know, kidney beans are AWESOME! :D (And for all WE know, kidney beans ARE awesome! I even thought of this example because I ate a few kidney beans out of a can while making a recipe the other week, and thought, wow, yum, I could make a snack out of this all by itself...but all of these years I've been told that I can only get my snacking pleasure from Ding Dongs and Doritos.)

Speaking of healthy eating, one way to get your children to eat their *vegetables*, for example, is to serve casseroles or pasta salads, or soups and other things where lots of nutrient-dense vegetables are mixed in together, and flavored up fantastically. It's also important to highlight the veggies on the plate, making them the main attraction, rather than the obligatory healthy side item that is given hardly any attention on the stove (some overcooked corn, for example, or soggy broccoli from the frozen-foods section). This conveys a clear message to children: vegetables and healthy foods are boring and basically an afterthought. Sauce 'em up, make them fun, put them as the center attraction! This is in keeping with the food pyramid, too, in terms of portions. But it also tells your children that this is what Mom and Dad like best, this is what deserves dressing up, and so your children will automatically want it more (like wanting the toy that another kid has for no other reason than that the other kid has it).

Hope this regurgitated magazine article helps! Have fun with your little ones!

L.

Hello Karen,
Although I know it is 'easier said than done', I believe you are doing the right thing and as heartbreaking and sometimes aggravating (i'm sure) as it is having to deal with the stubbornness and possibly throwing a cruve-ball on your day, keep it up. I truly believe kids these days have to know the world contains more people than just them. There are to many that just have everything handed to them and I believe that is alot of what is wrong with society today. Even though you may have to deal with a few less hugs and some days with a grey cloud over them, know you did your part make sure your son doesn't take everything and everyone for granted. I have a 3yr old also and I know it's hard. Just try and do the best to go on with your day and let him know that him being upset with your and/or daddy isn't going to ruin your day and maybe some of it will rub off. Best of Luck!

Hi Karen,
I don't know what it's like to have a grudge holder-my 28MO Daughter is so sensitive if you punish her (timeouts even) she cries and begs to be held afterward.
I can tell you I will pray for you! My little one is Strong Willed too and you always wonder if you give in this ONE time is it OVER and your child thinks they rule the roost. Also, I know kids our kids ages need Structure and Rules are a part of that. On the other hand, you don't want to be SO structured that you have no flexibility. It's a hard call.
Hey, I just had a thought-what if the whole family Prayed when your son acts like that. Something like: Asking God to show you WHY he is upset and to forgive you if you have done anything wrong etc...pray in Front of him and maybe if he realizes when you enforce the rules it's NOT punishment, it's b/c you Love him.
I also read the suggestion that said maybe if you get him to try and talk about his feelings.
I'm SO thankful-My little sometimes-wild-girl has started to realize and communicate her feelings-during a recent Thunderstorm she came running to me During thunder and said "scared Mamma" she also says "(her nickname) Happy" when we are playing and she's having fun.

I know boys take longer to be as verbal, maybe if you encourage him to talk about what's going on with him and/or pray with him you will discover what is making him so determined to hold his grudges-I know the prayer Cant HURT. :-)
I wish you the Best and Hope this Helps.
Blessings,
C.
PS-I saw something on John and Kate (I LOVE that show)that they found from another church member-once/year they have Ice cream for Supper. I think that's Great-they celebrate the start of Summer that way. Maybe you could have a variation of that-one night/month or every week let each one of your kids Choose what the whole family will eat for Dinner and tell them if you feed everyone PBJ (whatever they choose) they MUST eat what is in front of them the rest of the time and you don't complain about their choice as part of the deal.
You could make a calendar for them and mark off each day and have their day highlighted with their own color and so they can count down and think about their choice.
Just a thought. Let us know what happens!

I just want to say, stick to your guns. Don't let him manipulate you and I'm sure he will outgrow this. If you give in to what he wants his behavior will no doubt continue. Good luck.

Let him pout, and go on with your daily routine without his participation.
It isn't going to hurt him, and he will figure out that not only does pouting not get him his way, it causes him to be left out of all the fun everyone else is having.