Advise to Help Daughter Deal with Friend Who Is Being Mean Suddenly

This girl isn't snotty, she's a bully. Teaching her how to stand up for herself is a great life lesson.Try practice scenarios with her where you take turns being the 'mean' girl and give responses. Encourage your DD efforts to stand up for herself when she practices and let her know you are proud of her.

"Don't call me stupid. Go look at your own phone."

Not snotty, not accepting of bad treatment, and not forcing a 12 year old to try to talk like an adult.

Go to the library and check out the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees." Read it with your daughter. There are great methods for how to place healthy boundaries and how to protect oneself from the "mean girl" attitudes.

Best of luck!

Just tell your daughter that 'No' is a complete sentence and if this 'friend' is impolite your daughter should feel free to just tell her 'No' if she is talked to in a less than respectful way.

If I had overheard that request made to anyone I would have looked the girl in the face and said "Excuse me? Is that anyway to talk to anyone? You need to be rephrasing that question with something more polite.".

Call her on it.
Teach your daughter to call her on it.

If anyone talks to me like that my answer is
"One - I'm not stupid and Two - I'm not inclined to be doing any favors for anyone who calls me stupid.".

I think that you should not tell your daughter to be polite about it. She has to own her words, own how she says it, and she can't do that if you are (first) telling her to say something that might not be natural for her and (then) assigning her a "soft" voice to say it in. Let her know not to accept the behavior from this girl--or anybody, for that matter--maybe give her some words to use, but then let her figure out how to put it together in a way that will be most effective for her situation. Give her permission to act like she dislikes it. That lesson will take her further than your just handing her a script. If she's distracted with being polite, then she likely won't make the point that needs to be made. What sounds impolite to you isn't necessarily inappropriate between peers. Your daughter is learning, but so is this girl.

PS. One thing that I do--because I don't like to put energy toward somebody else's foolishness--is ignore people. When they say something dumb, I might say something back to them. But I'm just as likely to look at them like they're stupid and just press on in whatever I'm doing. My thinking is that somebody talking like that isn't talking to me, so I don't have to reply. I started doing that at about her age. There's a time when it can be appropriate--even at her age--but she probably needs to learn how to get indignant first. Also, sometimes words must be said. Just keep talking to her about the kind of treatment that she should demand of those in her presence, and she'll get to the point where nothing less will be acceptable.

You can role play all you want and helping your daughter speak up for herself is very important. She'll be prepared for the next time it happens but the most important thing is to find new friends.

This is the age when girls find out who has their back and who is stabbing them in the back. I teach my girls to really pay attention when people show you who they are. It's a tough life lesson but I don't know a single woman who hasn't been forced to learn it, usually in middle school.

I think kids this age like to test their control over others.
My best suggestion is to have your daughter handle it with a bit of humor...
next time this girl is rude, your dd could say, "down girl!" or "now tell me how you really feel" or "whoa Nellie...I'm working on it" or "It's not in my job description!" or some type of quick comeback that keeps it light but makes her point.

I love Molly's suggestion. Short and to the point. Role play it with your daughter, so she can feel confident saying it to this girl (or some similar response for the next time she says something bitchy).

I also think you should suggest she start finding other friends, if she doesn't already have them. My daughter had to put up with some former best friends being mean to her in 9th grade, and came home crying occasionally for a few months, until she found other people to hang out with.

She now feels she is a stronger, better person for having experienced and endured that; she is happy that she was forced to branch out.

I suggest that when one responds by telling the mean girl to treat her better as in saying something like "don't talk to me that way" mostly makes the situation worse. The mean girl will have another mean comment and situation escalates.

When we tell the other person what we will or will not accept we are trying to change them. We know we cannot change anyone but ourselves. Instead I suggest we show what we will and will not accept by our actions. When the mean girl demands we tell her the time we look her in the face and say no. Then we ignore anything she says after that. If needed we move out of her presence as if to say by the action, I won't be in your presence when you don't treat me with respect.

When we respond with, "I'm not stupid" we are defending ourselves when we have nothing to defend. Allowing ourselves to be on the defensive plays into the mean girls agenda. We want her to know that nothing she says or does affects us. Once she realizes she doesn't get a rise she'll move on to someone else to get her ego patted.

I suggest aperson Iis mean because they feel insecure and have learned that they feel more powerful by being mean. It's good to recognize that she has psychological issues and to be compassionate while still not tolerateing her treatment.

Suggest your daughter picture herself as a calm, sure of herself girl who expects respect even if she doesn't feel that way. Here is where fake it until you make it comes in.

Sad... and not unusual.

Yes, your daughter needs to take the high road with her responses. It's time to be strong. She can let her erstwhile friend know that she doesn't want to be talked to in that way. If the other girl gets nastier, you daughter can remove herself from the girl's company - and perhaps stay away for a while. She can be busy with other team members; it's often done.

Your daughter can hope that perhaps, in a few weeks or a few months, the former friend will be more friendly. In the meantime, she can be with other girls who treat her as a friend should be treated.

She may want to think about two things: what to do if this turns into actual bullying toward her, and what to do if she sees the girl bullying other team members or other kids.

You can also remind your daughter that the unpleasant girl is probably having some emotional conflicts which actually have nothing to do with her. She's old enough to understand how, when you feel bad about something, you may take your feelings out on somebody else.

I could have written almost your same post. I have a 12 year old DD, and she parted ways with a former "bestie" because this girl became the queen bee and she was just plain mean 90% of the time. I knew right away when she was at my house, from conversations I overheard, I did not like her controlling behavior in regards to my DD's other friendships. There were times we would come home to 30 calls in 20 minutes with some very rude and threatening messages. If she didn't have every second of my DD's attention, she would go on a tirade. Think "fatal attraction" For awhile they were friends, and I noticed my DD's other friends were pushed aside. Yes they are on a team together too, so that makes it challenging. But after several months my DD would be in tears every few days after getting off the phone with her. It became she was only friends with her for fear of retaliation if she was not. Cycle of make up, promise to be nice, repeat behavior happened for about a month, and finally DD had a "last straw" moment when this girl told her she couldn't have a sip of her drink because she was "fat enough already"

DD and I talk a lot about how this girl makes her and others feel. I don't get involved with the girl's parents. That is never successful, and just makes things messier. I'm just here to support my daughter. Because of the behavior I have witnessed, and the extreme negative effects of it I have seen on my DD, she is not allowed in my home, nor my DD in hers. But there are times they are together in the same groups. DD is learning to deal with that, but it is not easy. We talk a lot about being cordial, co-existing as not friends, but not enemies. It was a rough road, but now DD is much happier to be true to herself, and free of such a controlling "friend"

sounds like you handled it great.
what does your daughter think?
khairete
S.