Daughter Often Gets Silent Treatment from Other Girls

Must read: Little Girls Can Be Mean. http://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof-e...

I feel like I need to add a slightly different perspective, and I hope that, while it might be difficult to hear, that you understand where this is coming from.

Last year I volunteered in my son's classroom. One little girl in particular seemed very eager to please. She always worked very hard, was always happy to see me, polite, cheerful to me-- but to other kids, she was as you describe your daughter to be, very bossy. She'd tell other kids how to do things in a snotty tone she never used with adults. She'd correct kids in a loud enough voice that the teacher, finding this 'helpful', would also correct the kid and thus, some of the kids found themselves feeling like they were tattled on and in trouble. I also noticed that she bossed, just because. On many occasions the other kids weren't really doing anything wrong, they just weren't doing it *her way*. Other mothers were clearly exasperated when this was happening during playdates and would make some truly sad remarks about the girl. The girl's mother never really intervened, thinking that this was 'strong personality' territory. It was really sad.

For my part, once I noticed this happening in my presence, I'd tell the girl "so and so is fine, you take care of you now" or a gentle "I think you need to mind what you are doing, you don't need to worry about this, thanks." Some kids end up getting passively 'groomed' by their teachers to be a teacher's pet, which the other kids find off-putting, mainly because if you play with this kid, she's going to get upset with you at some point. Kids play with the friends who are the easiest to play with. And yes, groups of three can be hard, but who wants to play with someone who is going to make a fuss and possibly get them in trouble? In fact, this got to a point last year that my son and I had to do some role-playing about appropriate ways to tell the girl to butt out and leave him alone.

So please, talk to the teacher, let her know that while you appreciate that your child likes to encourage following the rules, you want her to help her work on herself. I always told my preschoolers to pretty much mind their own business unless someone was crying, being hurt or a safety rule was being broken. I think your daughter would benefit from being guided to set her own example with her good behavior and to let the teacher take it from there unless she's asked to help. I do believe that, like many other little girls who do this, that your daughter does have other parts of her personality which like are very nice and that she does try to be a good kid. You're going to have to help her bring those parts of herself out and to rein in the temptation to be in charge. Once the other kids realize that playing with her can be a pleasant affair, they are more likely to be more inclusive. Yes, teach her that if some kids aren't nice, go play with other kids. However, I think we can all agree from personal experience that no one wants a coworker or even a teacher who nitpicks over the inconsequential stuff, so be sure to help her learn what's *really* important and help her choose her causes.

Those two girls don't want to play with your daughter. Suggest she play with other kids. Everyone isn't going to like you and hang out with you. That doesn't mean you are a bad person or unlikable, just not clicking with everyone.

It would be different if no kids wanted to play with her but that doesn't appear to be the case. What it looks like is your daughter is trying to force two kids to be her friend when they just don't want to.

i dunno. i think it's kinda cool that she told the girls who ignored her that she was pissed, then left. it may not be a totally mature way to handle it (1st grade!!), but a 1st grader who expresses herself then leaves an unpleasant situation is at least on the right track to being assertive and healthy, isn't she?
i like that you recognize her tendencies to be annoying to others and occasionally mean. most little girls have a streak of Mean Girl that so many parents deny. and i like that you're working with her while still honoring who she is.
so i wouldn't actually change much of what you're doing. she's very young, and learning how to navigate the rocky waters of friendships, especially threesomes. so if my daughter came home with your scenario, i'd go all sokrates and just ask her leading questions. 'wow, sounds like your friends really made you feel angry. or maybe hurt? or just confused? how DID you feel when they ignored you?' 'do you think that just not speaking to you was a good way for them to handle it? how would you have liked them to respond when you were maybe being a bit bossy?' 'i wonder what other ways you could have chosen to react? what do you think some other ways could have been?' 'how does it make you feel when a friend tells you what to do? does it feel the same when it's the teacher telling you?'
and don't over-judge her replies. a thoughtful 'hmmmm' and a chinstroke can be the absolute best response sometimes.
don't get too hung up on 'her personality will prevent her from making friends.' of course it's possible, but i'm betting not. tough, assertive little girls may not be the most popular, but they're the ones who are going to rule the world, and with a mom like you who is helping her learn to get along as well as speak her mind, i think she's going to be just fine.
khairete
S.

You and the teacher need to be on the same page about this. Your daughter needs to be reminded she is the little girl and not the boss. Teacher is the boss and only the teacher can tell the kids what to do. Your daughter can relax and simply play or learn, this is her 'job' at present. Teacher's job is to monitor the kids.

Your daughter clearly has leadership ability. You and Teacher can encourage her ability in other ways. For instance your daughter can be 'in charge' of straightening up or making sure everyone is where they need to be.

She will be fine. Just keep guiding her to drop the annoying habits. That is not the same as "changing" her. In time she will learn, and I'm sure you'll find that she will have plenty of friends throughout her life. This is only first grade, try not to worry.

I think Suz's questions are a good place to start.

I totally feel your pain. It's hard to watch our little ones struggle with making friends, and hearing of problems they encounter. Sometimes we need to look at a problem with a different perspective. Stepping back and looking at it as an ongoing, lifelong journey may help you see that there will always be bumps in the road, cause sometimes we suck, and sometimes other people suck. Each bump is a lesson to be learned that we take into adulthood.

I think it is common for certain personalities to go through a phase of bossiness at a young age. It makes sense, the rules are there, why not remind kids who are breaking them, right? :) But as she matures she will learn that it's not that simple and there are other things to consider.

I do alot of role-playing with my daughter, either with her dolls or just the two of us acting out a scenario. If I see her doing something unacceptable, I play a character and do the bad behavior and ask her how it felt to be the other character. It's no magic pill as far as eradicating the behavior, but I do see the gears turning when she is on the receiving end.

Hang in there momma! She'll be okay, even when things aren't smooth and easy!

"So obviously she is doing something to provoke certain girls to be this way with her."

That's not necessarily true.
Some kids form cliques fairly early on.
If your daughter gets along with most other people then the only problem your daughter has is she keeps going back to these girls for more of the same treatment and expects something different will happen.
The best thing for her to do would be to forget about them and make other friends.
I would worry that she has a need to be liked by everyone - when it's perfectly ok that some people don't like you.
(Your daughter doesn't have to like everyone either.)

Kindred spirits are sometimes hard to find.
If she has an after school activity she'll have a chance to meet more people and make friend outside of school.

It's funny, my daughter is now a freshman, and I can relate to the difficulty of groups of 3- always tough. The fact that you are aware that your daughter may contribute to conflicts is huge- so many parents just look to blame everyone else. But it's not all her, I'm sure. Love the advice to gently work on her behavior and get her to look at how it affects others.

There's a book geared toward raising tween girls, but it's the same stuff that you are describing. In fact, the playground scene you describe reminded me of a story described in the book. I don't know how to add the link, but I think it's called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends.

Don't worry- she'll be fine, especially because you seem to be very aware of the big picture. It is heartbreaking, though, to watch our kids be mistreated.

Either role play with her another way to handle it and find someone else to play with and/or ask the teacher if she knows what's going on there. I try to open a discussion with teachers re: conflicts with "what's your take on this?" so that if there IS a problem with my child, they can say, "Well, J has been telling me that your DD is poking him with a pencil so I had to move her to another table." Or whatever.

If you know she has a tendency to be a dictator, work on her with that. It can be hard when she wants to boss her way through friendships. My SD did that at 8 and really caused herself some problems. We had to work with her on sharing, appreciating someone else's POV and tone of voice. "I want to play jumprope!" is different than, "Hi, I have a jumprope but no one to hold the other end. I was wondering if you would want to play jumprope with me and we can take turns being the jumper."

Your comment about her sister both made me laugh and gives me a suggestion. I was the older daughter and bossed my sister. My mom had to remind me to be nice, use kind words, and accept that my sister was her own person. Try role playing with DD about how SHE would feel if her sister said that to her. The laugh is that my DD is by far the youngest and has a best little friend who is the oldest of a passel of little girls. So DD is used to her way and her friend is used to minions. There was fireworks one playdate when they got a taste of their own medicine, but they worked through it.

You may also consider talking to the counselor to see if there are any small groups at the school to help kids work through this social issue. I'm sure your DD is neither the first nor last to struggle with this.

FWIW, my DD sometimes gets snubbed by kids at the pool. I watched my DD try to nicely ask to play and an older girl rounded up her friends and blocked them from responding to DD. In those cases, I taught DD (who doesn't understand yet the concept of Mean Girls) to just move on and not hover or repeatedly ask to play. It's a tough lesson.

Many times we want what we cannot have.
It hurts to be rejected and can make us feel desperate to change others feelings or needs.

I know this is hard on your daughter and painful for you to witness, but you must figure out a way to explain to your daughter, this is not really all about her, it is about how every person is different.

And so we sometimes we pick friends that are just like us, while others like to find special friends that march to their own drummer and best of all we find friends that like all sorts of people.

It is easy to be friends with people just like us, but it takes a special person to like all types of people and to like them just the way they are, without changing them.

Your daughter will need to learn the most fun people to be around are people that are cheerful, not always doom and gloom.

The people that can have fun without having to boss people and instead take turns. I know I am a take charge person, but I have had to learn to listen to other thoughts, ideas and plans, and follow along. It is what real friends do.

Manners means you invite people over and allow them to make suggestions as well as us having some options to suggest. Demanding criticizing and expecting everyone to only do it my way, will not work.

There are many ways to do things. Just because I like to put on my socks first and then my shoes, does not mean that the people that put on a sock and then the shoe, and then the other sock and that shoe are "doing it wrong".

There are a TON of children's books about this. Berenstein Bears, Arthur (JW can be the worst about this) Ramona the Pest.. Read then together and discuss them. Ask her questions like "How would you feel if DW did this to you? "

Share examples in your own life, when you made some of these mistakes and what you learned.

Practice by doing some role play.
"I have an idea, why don't we make up an obstacle course. We will start here, run and touch the tree, then climb and slide down the slide and then ho[p 4 times to the swings. Or do you have an idea about how we could make one? Oh you want to play hide and seek? Ok lets play that for a while and maybe later we could play obsitcal course?

Teach her that she may not get her way and that is ok too, maybe someone else would like to play the way she wants to play, this does NOT make her idea bad. It does not make her not fun to play with.. It is just choices and everyone listening to everyone and then deciding what we want to do THIS time.
It will take a bit of maturity on her part, but with experience and practice she can learn this.

Our daughter was an only child. She had to learn negotiation.. She learned it from us always saying "I Like that idea but how about we try..." Or "Well I am not in the mood to go to the pool today, but it is a good suggestion, Lets plan that for tomorrow." (and I kept these promises)

And of course daycare was an excellent socialization because the all learned to "listen with their ears", and "use their words" to "say what they are feeling" and "we do not always get our way".
Nothing wrong with that.

There are positives and negatives in what your daughter is doing, so I think you can support her but also help her work out some additional strategies. Pros: she walked away from a bad or uncomfortable situation, she likes to follow the rules, she defends those who are being picked on. Cons: she appoints herself the guardian of the rules (rather than letting the teacher do that except where someone is violating a rule that directly affects your daughter, e.g. touching her when it's unwanted or taking her stuff), she yells vs. speaks, she may not express herself as well as she might if she thought it through and chose her battles.

I think Suz T. has some excellent suggestions. I'd also suggest you discuss with her why she pursues these 2 girls who treat her in a way she doesn't like. There may be quite a few other kids in the class whose friendship she is not pursuing - so what is it about these 2 girls that makes her go back for more? What is it that she admires or desires?

"Changing her" is very different from helping her analyze what she does that doesn't work and doesn't make her happy, or recognizing that not everyone enjoys having their faults or errors being pointed out to them. Learning new ways to say things or having more voice control are helpful techniques.

She's also so young and sometimes kids just need to navigate the elementary school recess waters on their own.