Advise Needed Regarding My Temper with My 2 Year Old Son

Hi H.,

First, you are not ruining your child permanently. I think you can change his temperament some if you lose your temper and yell at him. It breaks my heart for him and for you knowing that happens. You can get through it though. You can see how much you love him by how you react and talk about him in your email. I have some thoughts if you want them...

I have been thinking about you since you put this email out on mamasource. I have not had a moment to email until now. Your email touched my heart so much, as I completely understand. I have prayed for you several times (hope that is okay) because I just found your story on my heart throughout the day. I have twins, boy/girl, and they are 26 months. WOW - I thought we were through the tough stuff and all the sudden everything is hard and there has to include some kind of bargaining. It's like I lost control all the sudden, and they have never been difficult (except the fact there are two of them). I have always had huge anger issues, but never thought I would get frustrated with my babies. I never get mad AT them, I just get so mad and frustrated. I think the one thing that helps is when they are pushing your buttons I tell myself they are not doing that on purpose because they only know how to respond in one way when they are frustrated and it is to cry and basically not listen and do what makes them feel better.

I find when I get most frustrated at I and J is when I am trying to do my stuff while taking care of them. I have made a big rule to do my stuff (house, personal, husband's) when they are sleeping or at night. It makes you tired, yes, but it took care of those times were the babies and I were having a battle of wills throughout the day. They just want your attention, which is their right. Sometimes, you don't have a choice but to do your stuff with them, but it has to be worked to where they are not put to the side. It is HARD to do that all the time.

Next, you are going through battle of wills every day, aren't you? If it gets to a point you are going to yell - CHANGE THE SITUATION. Pick up your son, move to a new place, and do something different. It is not about winning and I am so embarressed when I notice I am battling with my two-year old to win the battle we are having. In marriage we choose our battles, at work we do the same, but for some reason we think that doesn't have to happen with our little ones. As they get older they will win less battles, but for now sometimes it just gets to far into anger and frustration on both your parts to try and win or control the situation. Walk away. Pick him up, hug him, and walk away.

These are things I have had to learn. I hope this helps, and I would love to hear how you are doing and how it is going. Maybe you can give me some ideas that are working for you as we make it through the two year old stage. BTW - it is also the cutest stage!!!

In my opinion you do need to go to a therapist. I tried to wait and wait to go because I thought I was okay but it turns out I have post partum depression. You may be depressed and not even know it, or you may just have anger issues. But the therapist can possibly give you medicine to help you feel better or maybe even just talking to someone who isnt in the middle of it will make you feel better!! Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!!

I second the opinion of seeking medical advice. Mabey not a phychiatrist, but a good counselor, even talking to your primary care MD about it to see if there is something he/she would recommend.

H., I was just like you described in my first marriage. I treated my children badly. They are screwed up now, mainly, they have no self esteem or confidense, very inverted (not friendly) they get frustrated at everything extremely easy, they don't get along with others, they tend to be loners, etc. I could go on and on. My husband had me at a psychiatrist claiming I was manic depressive and although I didn't think my symptoms were the same, the psych put me on a low dose of lithium which kept me knocked out most of the time. There were so many red flags that I didn't acknowledge and made excuses for. But what ended up being the problem was my marriage. My x was verbally abusive, sexually abusive, emotionally abandoning and abusive,.... you just wouldn't belive. I knew that it didn't feel right but he was so good at hiding it to other people and others would tell me to hang on to him that he is so good to me but I knew behind closed doors he sent all kinds of mixed signals. Even in front of the kids, he acted all sugar and spice. I became 40 and decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life this way and so I left. I was really close to suicide, but I remained strong and left. Amazingly the manic symptoms stopped and I started regain my confidense and self esteem. I am now remarried, and at 45 had a baby because my new husband didn't have children. I am now the best mother and the best wife and life is so wonderful. My X had lots of money (had his own business) and he hid all the money from me in the divorce so I came out with next to nothing after sacrificing and working so hard to help him open and maintain and get his business where it is today and now I don't get to enjoy any of the benefits from all that hard work. My husband now is a nurse and we don't have alot of money BUT I wouldn't take a million dollars for my life now. He is so good to me and I have seen a change in my other children a little after showing them that you can live happily.
So what I am saying is ask yourself are your really happy and what is going on in your life that is so frustrating? But you already know that you have to stop the anger around your son. Believe me, you are killing him little by little.
Write me if you want to talk and I can send you my phone number:
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