Advise Needed

A.,

Sorry, hon, but yes you are being selfish and immature. A HS reunion happens once every five or ten years, and provides a chance to see people perhaps for the first time since graduation. Your birthday happens every year, and 30 should be getting towards grown-up. Celebrate your birthday the weekend before or the weekend after the actual date, and attend the entire reunion. Marriage is about compromise and this one should be obvious.

Best wishes,
K.

Wow - that's a tough one. Your 30th birthday is an important milestone, so I can understand why you're a bit annoyed/disappointed. Unfortunately, he really has no control over the date of his HS reunion, and reunions only happen every 5 or 10 years. Could you go to his reunion (together), and celebrate your birthday another night?

At 30 what are you thinking!?! Enjoy 2 nights out and put your birthday a few days or a week plus or minus the actual day. You get out of meal preparation for 2 nights and can enjoy the company of your husband twice. Release your actual b-day and enjoy.

You are SO not going to like my answer. (I do understand the 30th birthday is a milestone for some, and everybody wants to feel important on their birthday.)

Yes, you are being difficult, selfish and childish. His HS reunions happen ONCE every 5-10-15 or even 25 years; your birthday (albeit you only turn 30 once) occurs EVERY year. You want him to drop everything and pay attention to only you, after all it's your birthday.

Further, meeting up at the reunion after your birthday celebration is NOT a compromise, because you're still insisting that you can only celebrate your birthday on the actual birthday. You're wanting him to put you first. (Every wife wants their husband to put them first.)

Realize this in an important event for him. Whether or not your reunions are important to you, or whether or not you enjoyed the "high school experience" is not the issue. Apparently, he did, and this is important to him. This does not diminish your importance to him, or mean that he likes his friends more than you. Recognize it for what it is: an event that happens less frequently than your birthday.

If you really want to compromise, take a "big girl pill," offer to go to the reunion *with* him (he loves you and married you and will want his friends to meet you), and offer to schedule your birthday celebration on a different day.

Let him know that, for being a big girl, you expect him to "kick it up a notch" and make your birthday celebration nicer than originally discussed, and in whatever way, a birthday to remember. (Like the "Pretty Woman" scene where Richard Gere tells the store owner they're going to need MUCH sucking up for Julia Roberts.)

For what it's worth (if anything) - and good luck!!

Hello,
What if you went out for your birthday the day before or after? The reunion cannot be rescheduled because it's your birthday. So, you could be more flexable for your husband. Could it be that you just don't want him to go to his reunion and it has nothing to do with your birthday? In the past my birthday has fallen on a weekday and with it being a school day for my kids, we just waited for the weekend to celebrate. There is nowhere in the rule book of life that say's you have to celebrate your birthday on the actual day. Hope you and your husband can work this out.

The reunion can't be rescheduled. It's a once in lifetime (or maybe 2 depending on his school) event while birthdays happen every year. You can simply celebrate your birthday the day before or after. Most people I know go out for their birthday on the weekend before or after their birthday instead of during the week when things are hectic. Kids especially have their parties on the weekends and never during the week... sometimes 1-2 weeks before/after the actual day. It doesn't really matter when you go out for your birthday... a couple days before or after won't matter 10 years from now. But missing his HS reunion when he really wants to go? That probably will be remembered 10 years from now..... you don't want him to resent you for that, do you? So yes, I think you are being selfish.

Sorry to say this, but yes you are being selfish!!!! Reunions come only every 5-10 years. Your b-day is every year and believe me the older you get (I just turned 38) the less of a big deal it is. Also, why can't you do something for your b-day another weekend, why does it have to be done on that weekend?

Wow, A. did you create some thoughts on this one. I'm not going to tell you your selfish. But I am going to tell you as a woman that is going on 28 years of marriage, that comprimise is a valuable tool. Comprimising the way you want it to be isn't necessiarly comprimising. Communication and repecting your mate is what keeps your marriage strong. If you can't communicate and look at both sides, you won't last. I do have a question for you. Did you always celebrate your birthdays on THE day? Is that important to you. So important to not take your husbands feeling into thought. Do you know the people he graduated with? You might have fun at the reunion. And what will it mean to your husband if you say it's o.k? Is that something he will remember for along time and love you even more for it. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not about always giving into the hubby because it's the thing to do.....but if you both think about the importance of the issue to which one is the one that would be a good comprimise......Plus kiddo, he will owe you big time!!! Now, don't make him have to prove that he owes you big time, but you can joke about it once........and what it's going to cost him if you go to the runion.....in a nice way..........if you just can't do that. Then plan a huge party on your own with the girls and let him go alone. Although I would never do that......old girlfiends and such, but that is me.....I'd go, have a good time, let everyone know it was my birthday to show what a wonderful wife you are and love every minute there......even if I hated it. Because that's what husbands and wives should do for each other........that's my take, good luck......and Happy Birthday! You are just beginning a great new time in your life.......Enjoy it.

If your hubby really wants to go to the reunion I think he should. Just becaue your birthday is a certain day doesn't mean you can't celebrate it on a different date before or after the reunion.Yes I think you are being selfish.It must mean something to him to reconnect with his old friends or the two of you would not be argueing over it.High School reunions are about every 5 years so get used to it.

I agree with the others--not that you're selfish but that you should aim to be accomodating and compromise with him by celebrating early or later by a day. IF he gave in and skipped his reunion, his mind would not be where you would want it. He would be thinking about what he was missing and not truly celebrating with you, but silently resenting you.
Find a way to do both and this is what holds marriages together.

I agree with what most everyone else is saying. You can celebrate your b-day another night. If you don't plan to attend the reunion with him, plan a night out that night with your girl friends!

Hi A.,

If your birthday and the reunion fall on a weekend day, would it be possible for everyone as a family to do something during the day and then you and your husband can go to the reunion later? Maybe go somewhere nice for brunch and then go somewhere leisurely that everyone can enjoy like a sporting event? I'm not a big birthday person either, but it IS your 30th birthday which is kind of a milestone. Either way, I hope you both have a lot of fun!

A., this is a hard one. You don't mention what year reunion it is or if they have something both weekend nights. If you live near the city he grew up in and he sees the people he graduated, then the reunion isnt really a big deal. Normally reunions only happen every 5 years and if you dont see these people, then I would say the reunion trumps your birthday, even your 30th. If you were having a party for it, it would be different but just going out can be scheduled on another night. I know it may be a crappy way to spend your birthday but it may suprise you and you may have a good time. Sorry this isnt the response you probably wanted to hear. I hope it turns out and Happy Birthday!

personally I think you are being really selfish! What would be so wrong with you celabrating your birthday one day early or later? You can't do that with the reuoin.

YES!
birthday's come each year. I realize it is the 30th but you can celebrate it any day or all week.
A reunion is once every 5 - 10 or 20 -25 years
It may be his last chance to see some of these people every again.

the way i see it is that a birthday comes yearly & HS reunions come every 5-10 years. Even though 30 is a milestone birthday ... so is this HS reunion. Since the HS reunion is already scheduled & there is nothing that your husband can do to change the date why don't you & your husband celebrate your bday the night before or the night after? That way each of you can have your "special" night to yourselves?!?! & both can be happy b/c each night will be all about the person that is celebrating....good luck on your decision. :)

I do understand that turning 30 is a big deal. You want to make sure it is special. But I think you should be able to compromise. Have a big 30th birthday celebration on another day. If you go to the reunion, go with a positive attitude. If your husband doesn't care if you go to the reunion, then go out with some friends to celebrate so you aren't fuming at the reunion. I know a reunion won't be any fun if you don't know anyone there, and your hubby may not mind if you aren't there.
R.

Turn the tables......if it were YOUR reunion and HIS birthday. How would you handle? If I were in your shoes, I'd go the reuntion and celebrate your birthday the next day or whatever.

Why aren't you going to the reunion? Do you not like his friends? Have you ever met them? I think it's fun to listen to stories and learn more about people and their past. It helps you to understand more of who they are.

Hi A.,
A reunion comes only once every 10 years and a bday once a year. I would offer a couple of suggestions. You could go to his reunion and celebrate your bday (in STYLE!) on another day. Or, you could celebrate your bday earlier on that day and arrive at the reunion late so he won't feel pressure to leave. I would say pick another day for your bday celebration so that neither one of you feels jipped and since you're agreeing to do it on a diff day, make sure you plan something EXTRA special! Good luck and Happy early bday!

In my personal opinion I have to agree with your husband. You can go out for your birthday the day after or before your birthday, and you get a birthday every year. How often do hs reunions come around? I would be pretty upset with my hubby if he chose his own birthday over my reunion.

Okay, I am trying to look at this from both sides. From your husband's side his class reunion only happens every 5 to 10 years, it is a chance to see old friends and classmates he only gets to see once every 5 to 10 years and frankly you have a birthday every year. From your side your birthday is important to you and you want to do want you want to do because it is your birthday and you think you should be the most important person in his life.
Now, from my stand point: In my family we often put off a large birthday celebration until the weekend so all members of the family and a few friends could be there. This is a perfect opportunity for you to get to go out and celebrate two nights in a row. I would take advantage of it! Go to his reunion with him on your birthday. If it is on a Saturday night (and most reunions are on a Saturday so out of towners can get there without taking off work etc.) then celebrate your birthday on Friday night with family/or go out and do what you would like to do. Dinner, a play, a concert, a comedy club, whatever it is you two enjoy doing together. If the reunion is on Friday then go out for your birthday on Saturday or Sunday.
If you let yourself be the bigger person here you will reap far more benefits and appreciation then trying to do both in one night and both of you will be happier.

does he live in the same town he went to HS in? does he see the same friends often? if yes to both, i don't think the reunion is such a big deal and he could skip it. if he doesn't see those folks/lives in a different town, okay. you can still have fun and you could go out on friday for your b-day. whatever happens, if it makes you feel any better, my 30th birthday kind of stunk. (had just moved to a new town where i knew 2 people and only 1 was available to help me celebrate.) good luck and try not to set your expectations too high one way or the other.

I think that you only have a HS reunion (for whatever number of years) and a 30th bday once, however you can celebrate your birthday the night before or the night afterwards, when his HS reunion is only for one night. Your bday celebration doesn't have to fall exactly on your bday.

I would say yes, you are being selfish. It isn't like this happens every year. I would go to the reunion, if that is what he wants to do, and celebrate your b-day another night.

Yes you are being extremely selfish. You have a birthday every year he has a high school reunion every ten. Celebrate your birthday the day before or the day after and don't go to the reunion with a chip on your shoulder. Compromise is a part of every relationship.

I second the following opinion (going to copy and paste because I'm tired):
"Sorry, hon, but yes you are being selfish and immature. A HS reunion happens once every five or ten years, and provides a chance to see people perhaps for the first time since graduation. Your birthday happens every year, and 30 should be getting towards grown-up."

Compromise by celebrating your birthday the weekend before or the weekend after the actual date, and attend the entire reunion.
Have fun!!! :)

Dear A.,

Be a good sport and go with him to the Reunion. It only comes around every 5 years and you will have a birthday every year - and eventually you will stop counting :~). Trade the birthday dinner date and he will make it something special.

God Bless,

S.

Hi A., this seems like something that always comes up...no obligations for weeks, then everything hits at the same time. I don't think you are being selfish, but I do think you need to compromise. I know 30 is a big milestone, but celebrating that day could happen on another day and his reunion won't move. Long term I don't think you want to look back on that day and feel like you kept him from attending. Find something that works for BOTH of you!

A.,

I would apologize to him for sending him the message that he comes last to you, because that is how my husband would feel if I had asked him to give up a once in a life time event for my birthday. What if this were one of you children's graduations, or other special events in their lives?

There was a time in my life when I assumed that my husband loved me so much that he would just make sacrifices for me right and left and would love doing it. Five years ago, after 15 years of what I thought was a great marriage and 3 kids, he felt like he was dead last all the time, and he was right. He left for Iraq and told me that he felt like he had to go off to war to get any attention from me at all, and was torn up because, true to form, I made him leaving all about me and how it was going to be for me.

I did some heavy soul searching and ended up reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I don't like everything she has to say, but she could not be anymore dead on about how men feel because of how we treat them. I can promise you this, if you really do what she says, and mean it, your life will be happier than you ever expected.

Now 20 years in, he knows that he is first in my life, and he now really does sacrifice just because he loves me and is happy to do it. It is a two way street, and you hold the keys to the car...

Good luck
M.

Yes. Celebrating a birthday can be made into an event over a period of time. Why settle to celebrate for just one day when you can get a whole week or month or year? I suggest that you go to the HS reunion and use that as leverage to get what you really want for your birthday from your husband over a period of time.

You never know. Go to his reunion first and then have someone place a phone call for you too leave. Once you get there you may decide to you like it. But if you don't compromise - your birthday maybe a flop! Watch the movie Fireproof.

I can understand not wanting to go to the reunion. School reunions are no fun for the spouse. Also, if you're like me, you want your birthday to be something special, especially your 30th. Are you wanting to celebrate your birthday WITH him? It kind of sounds like you were going to go do your own thing, then meet him later? I can imagine his feelings were a little hurt when he heard that A) you didn't want to go to his reunion and B) you wanted to celebrate your birthday with out him. Maybe do something wonderful during the day and do the reunion at night? It REALLY is something that you should compromise on. The reunion is clearly important to him, so you REALLY should find a way to do both. Who knows...you may have a blast at the reunion and not want to leave either!

My thought is that HS reunion only happens once every five or ten years, birthdays are every year. And since celebrating your birthday only requires the attendance of the two of you I would schedule your birthday dinner for the weekend before or after.

I understand it's a big birthday, but you can really celebrate it any night. There is only the one chance to go to his reunion unless it's like my husband's where they did something informal the night before and a picnic the next day and then the more formal dinner Saturday night. In that case, we went to the bar and the picnic but skipped the actual reunion to go to his BIL's "going back to Iraq" party. Maybe you guys could get a hotel room and go from the reunion to the hotel to celebrate?

It would be a great excuse to buy a new fabulous dress/outfit!! I agree with the others, find a way to compromise so neither of you are resentful of the other. In the bigger picture of life, it is only one day!! Good luck

Hi A., I have a suggestion, you and your husband should go have a lovely dinner and then go to his reunion. He will always have HS reunions but the 30th birthday is one that is very special, for me it was anyway. You are not being selfish to want to spend your 30th birthday with him and then go to his class reunion.

As a fifty something nana, that loves to celebrate her birthday and has been known to keep the celebration going all month long, let me just say that birthdays do NOT have to be celebrated on THE day! High school reunions come along once every five years...you have a birthday EVERY year. Why not have a nice family breakfast on your actual birthday and go to the reunion that night and then select ANOTHER night for you and your husband to go out to dinner just the two of you. That way your birthday celebration would actually go on a little longer.

Mom of two, Yes you are being a bit selfish. He can never make up going to his reunion, but you can celebrate your birthday on another day. You don't have to celebrate it on the same day. Relationships mean compromise. It's not just about you. Would you rather have a long happy relationship with your husband or would you rather celebrate future birthdays on that day by yourself? If you continue with this foolish attitude, you'll end up losing more than a birthday celebration.

Best Wishes and go to the reunion with an open mind and have a great time.

J.

I understand it is your 30th birthday. But why not just go out to dinner another night close to your birthday? And then he can still go to his HS reunion. That way you both get what you both want. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you any less just because he wants to go to his HS reunion. That would be my solution.

A....I can't see why you can't celebrate your birthday on another day. When my husband and I have birthdays that fall during the week we always wait until the weekend to celebrate. HS reunions are not that frequent. I think you should give a little and celebrate your birthday another day. Happy Birthday by the way.

I agree that celebrating your birthday another day would probably be best - when I was younger I always wanted to celebrate on THE day. The day doesn't matter anymore... celebrating is what is important... you don't have to wait til July either.

I also think it is important for you to be by your groom's side when he goes to his reunion. I know it has been years but being with our spouses, is important - especailly at a reunion... everyone wants to see what his life is now. I am always with my dh when he attends a reunion. I enjoy them more each time we go!

Hope this helps a little :)

Ohhhh I almost forgot... you would enjoy watching Fireproof... it is a great movie and he would enjoy it too... has firemen in it and is great for a married couple!

HS reunions happen once every ten years. You'll be thirty for 365 days. I would celebrate your b-day on one of the other 364 days. Why do you have to celebrate your birthday on your actual day of birth? Do you celebrate at the exact time you were born too? Forgive me, but I am truly perplexed that you're not seeing the big picture. I'm with your husband on this one. Sorry.

Wow girlfriend!!!!! When I tured 30 I vowed to stay in bed all day!!!!!!! Now this year I'm going to be 29-again :)
Really, sweetie, what it boils down to, is pick your battles wisely. Is this really worth a huge fight? if hubby wasn't here tomorrow would this fight really be something that truely mattered? We all get birthdays and we can all celebrate them whenever, but a class reunion only comes once in a while. I say put your game face on and have a good time. Don't dread it look forward to it and you're sure to have a great time. Chin up! And Happy Birthday!
S.

It's aparent your not from his school. I would rather attend my husband's class reunion than go to dinner for my birthday. Are you afraid he may run into an old girlfriend?
Why not go for dinner the night before or the night after. That way you could still make the reunion. We love our reunions. Our school in addition to the single year reunione have an all school reunion. They are so much fun even when I don't know all the people there.