How important are celebrations of adult siblings' birthdays in your family? My BIL's (hubby's brother's) birthday is coming up in a few weeks and we're trying to work out a time to celebrate, but we're taking a family vacation the following week and hubby is working the weekend of the birthday. We do sometimes seem to be out of town at that time of year, although that's primarily because it happens to work out that that's when we can go -- either hubby's dad and step-mom are at their vacation house then and we can stay with them (for free, and they help with airfare), or in the case of this year, that's when my sister and her family could come in from out of state (her hubby has a mandatory unpaid furlough) and we've rented a cabin with them and my parents. Last year and the year before that we did get together with them on the Saturday nearest my BIL's birthday, even though last year my hubby had just had neck surgery. Anyway, my MIL and BIL both get really upset when we're not available right close to the actual date of BIL's birthday, and MIL sent an email this morning asking us to "make that a priority" when planning our summer next year.
Birthdays in my family growing up were not a big deal -- we kids had a party, and on our parents' birthdays we either went out to eat or my mom made a favorite meal at home with just our immediate family household, even though their siblings also live nearby. These days we get together some time near the date of the birthday to celebrate, and I almost never get to see my sister on her birthday or mine because of the distance, so this huge fuss about a birthday celebration just feels completely alien to me. Neither my MIL or BIL are currently married, so I think for them we still feel like their closest family, which may play a role in why it's so important for them to see us as the primary celebration, and I guess I can understand that.
Anyway, I guess my question is, should we be scheduling our family vacation around my BIL's birthday, even if it means missing out on time with other family members? Are we just being totally insensitive by going out of town then? Or do you think my MIL and BIL are making too big of a fuss about this?
it depends on the person. I like to keep my birthday low-key, as long as I have cake, I'm good. My husband and his twin, however, like to go all out and want family around so we usually have a family birthday party.
I would NEVER plan my vacation around anyone's birthday. I think she is way out of line thinking that should be done. We always send a card or call. That is just ridiculous to plan a vacation around a grown man.
May I ask what they do for your birthday? Just wondering if they fly out or come over.
I think MIL and BIL are overboard. Gees
Our family is just the 3 of us. Of course daughter has parties but as far as recognition of the day for myself or hubby, we could care less.
We do, however, get a cake and have a birthday dinner somewhere so daughter is participating. We do the same for Mother's and Father's day. We typically don't do gifts either. We get what we need during the year. Sometimes on a special bday, there will be a nice gift. On my 45th hubby surprised me with a new car.
As for extended family, I just send a card and depending on how close we are, call and say Happy Birthday.
I've never heard of adults making it such a big deal.
Do not reschedule. We get together the first time we can all make it either before or after the birtday. But we all live in the same 20 mile radius, so either Friday, Sat or sunday we get together. My husband and I went out of town for his birthday when we first started dating, his mom celebrated before we left and my parents celebrated when we returned.
Well, no matter how insanely silly this sounds to me, what's important is what's important to "the family". I am divorced now, but looking back, if I would have just conceded on some things that seemed just plain stupid to me, there would have been more peace all around. MILs are absolutely HORRIBLE. No offense to any MILs out there. They just don't seem to realize that we have our own mothers and fathers who raised us a certain way, and that way was different from their way, and that there is nothing wrong with that. For whatever reason, MILs think that their ways of doing things are the only ways, and can't seem to get it through those thick skulls that they don't have to take it personally or treat us like weirdos just because we were raised differently, and have different perspectives on what's important and what isnt. My ex MIL was the biggest thing that came between my ex-husband and I. He was upset with me for not completely giving up my identity, my thoughts, my perspectives for his mother's. I was raised to stand my ground on things that I felt strongly about. She pushed, and instead of letting her have her way every single time, I pushed back. It became a power struggle, and of course I came out looking like the bad person.
I guess the moral of the story is, find out how your husband feels about it, and he two of you make the decision together. If his MIL doesn't like it, then oh well. You're adults.
Wow! I cannot believe that a grown man and his mom are so upset about you all missing a birthday party! My brother isn't even out of college yet and he would never be upset if we weren't there! I think they are making too big of a deal over this. Have your hubby tell your MIL that while you both want to celebrate, he is now a grown man. Does he really need to be so consumed with himself and his own birthday that he doesn't want what is best for the rest of his family? You are totally right on this one! Tell them that next year you will again try your best, but you make no promises!
I guess it depends. Is your BIL always there in birthdays and special events of your husband, kids and you?
If he has been around in all, I would try my best to move things around, and if it is not possible then I would talk to him and how sorry we are and plan a extra special birthday reunion either before or after. I will also have the kids send him hand made cards and send them so he gets them in his birthday, and saying you are sorry you are not there bit you think on him.
Now, if he haven't be around for you and your family, then "forgetaboutit".
Say you are sorry, you will try next time (or not).
Usually once someone passes 21, birthdays are not a real big deal again unless it is a decade milestone(30, 40, 50). I would send a card and gift and just let him know you are sorry you could not celebrate with him, but that you would love to (fill in the blank, maybe take to dinner or something) once you return. If mil is upset, that is her issue.
Oh gosh, go away. I think that they are making too big a fuss, but your husband will probably have more insight into how big adult celebrations were when he was growing up.
My mom likes everyone to celebrate together, but honestly, as families expand it felt like we were celebrating someone's something _every weekend_. It was annoying. So we agreed that now the "big birthdays" for grown ups will be celebrated with everyone, and otherwise we'd try to get together to celebrate when we could. That system's worked out pretty well.
Good luck!
we just go to dinner....sometimes i almost forget mine til some thoughtful relative or friend reminds me
We always had a special dinner growing up (sometimes with grandparents). I think it's more fun getting to decide the menu then having the celebration on your birthday (I care more about eating a twice baked potato then anything else). It's more important to have family time with your husband and children. Someone should stick up for you guys about this. Your family needs must come first.
Wow. We don't really celebrate "grown up" birthdays in either of our extended family unless it's a really special one, like a 40th or 21st or 50th. Once in a while, someone may throw a surprise birthday party for their spouse inviting family and friends. Maybe it's because most of us are married and have kids? Perhaps when you all have children's birthday's to celebrate, it won't be that big of a deal.
I'd like to know what they do for your birthday or your husbands(?)
I wouldn't go out of my way to schedule something & would try to be there, but if something like the furlough thing came up again, you'd just need to explain and they can change their date or celebrate without you. As long as your husband is in agreement with you, don't sweat it!
I think it really depends on the family and their traditions. In my family we celebrate each person's (child and adult) birthday with a get-together, which for us means a get-together monthly or more from Feb-July. It gets to feeling like a lot, and inevitably we toss around the idea of combining or eliminating some get-togethers, but then we mostly feel grateful that we are all close and healthy and are able to see each other so much. There are times that someone is out of town, so the gathering may not be very near the actualy birthdate, but that is not a big deal to us. So in my opinion, your in-laws could ease up on the actual date and if getting together is important to them, allow for the things you have already planned. On the other hand, if your BIL's celebration is on the same day every year, would it be possible to let your other relatives know that now so you can plan ahead?
Your priority is your husband and children, not your MIL or BIL. They are your immediate family, not in-laws. Like it says in the Bible, a husband leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife. I would absolutely not plan my vacation plans around BIL's birthday.
My in-laws do celebrate certain siblings birthdays, but not all. We celebrate my one SIL birthday because it is the same day as my nephew and she is not married. In the 5 years I've been married to my husband, they have never celebrated my husband's birthday. My MIL, BIL and SILs all send him cards. Also my BIL always sends him a gift. If we can't make my husband's family's birthday celebrations, it is no big deal. Birthdays are not that important to my husband.
I'm with you: birthdays have always been for kids, unless they're decade milestones. (Even then, only sometimes.) How does your husband feel about it? Since it's his brother, I think it's something he needs to handle more than you.
Well I think the question is not what you or anyone here thinks about adult birthdays - and its not what your MIL thinks - the important question is what does your BIL think? If it is important to HIM, and if you care to have a close relationship with him, then yes, it needs to be made a priority. Some people really "do it up" for their b-day - its the one day they really cut loose and/or get all their friends/family together. Then again, for others its not a big deal and just "another day".
While I agree its completely annoying to have your MIL dictating your free time (I have a MIL like that too - urgh) don't let that cloud the bigger issue and that is what your BIL feels about the situation!
We really don't do much...maybe a dinner or something but none of us live in the same city so that is part of the reason why. Last year for my mom's 60th we all flew in and surprised her. I agree, as you get older they really aren't usually celebrated quite as much and I certainly would not plan a family vacation around one. However, if this is your husbands family tradition he should help deal with it. How does your husband feel? Your family and its sanity are #1 but I would also agree that you both need to be in agreement...otherwise both your husband and his family will make you out to be the bad guy. It sounds like your family is from out of town so it is only fair that you get time with your family as well, even if it happens to fall during the birthday time.
In my family adult birthdays are nothing to celebrate :) We usually get together with ONLY immediate family for cake and maybe a card at sometime during the month of your birthday.
Heck, the last few birthdays for me I haven't even gotten a cake because I didn't feel like baking it myself.
IMO your MIL and BIL are making a big deal over nothing.
Jessica
I understand how irratating this must be for you since you don't celebrate birthdays the same way as your husband's family does. I am curious whether MIL also puts one a big party for you and your husband or if you do. My thought is if you can plan it after the BIL birthday and still see your family then it wouldn't be worth the fight not to since it means so much to your husband's family. If your family has a set time that they have off each year then I would tell my mother in law to plan the party a week before his birthday or you regret not being there. You shouldn't have to give up time with your family who you don't get to see because the distance as often as you do your husbands family and might ask MIL to concider your families feelings here. Sometimes it is putting yourself in the other's shoe and your mother in law doesn't have to miss her children who are close by, so she should be willing to work with you and your family on this.
With my in-laws we don't do anything. With my family my mom gives me money, normally my dad takes us out to dinner (I share my birthday with my dad). Otherwise parties in my opinion are for kids. When I turned 30 last year, me, my best friend, her boyfriend and my sister went out to the piano bar downtown and had a blast.
too big of a deal, for sure! Really, he needs to grow up. He's an adult; this isn't a 1 year old's first birthday for goodness sake!
Have fun on your vacation!
I think they are making a huge fuss out of nothing. There is nothing that says you should be there every year for your BIL birthday. Do they do that for you or your husband's birthday? If you hardly ever get to see your sister then go see her. Life's too short to be so upset about a birthday. If they had a chance for a vacation during that time that was free or almost free they would take it too.
My MIL is the coordinator of the b-day celebrations and, yes, she's kept going even though we're all in our 40's and 50's now. I see it more as an event that ensures that we all get together a few times a year.
As the family has expanded, we have combined b-days, but during birthday season, which falls between Sept - Mar, every month has somebody's birthday in it. We sometimes celebrate b-days 3 or 4 weeks after the day because of people's schedules.
Do you think your MIL finds it more important to get together or to actually celebrate the b-day? Maybe explaining to MIL that for the foreseeable future this time of the year is not easy for your family and to suggest a time of the year that is more "do-able" and make a firm committment to it. Be sure to recognize BIL's b-day and make your best effort to always attend the alternate date.
Also, your husband should be the one who broaches this with his mom. It's his family tradition afterall.
In my family, we only really celebrate the big birthdays. We've been partying all year since my sister turned 30, her husband turned 40, I turned 30 and this weekend, so did my husband! lol
