Advise - Fairview,OR

As a child that had 2 step parents I can tell you that in most cases your daughter will always feel less important than the other 2 kids. It's really important that your husband treat her the same, but for some guys this is just impossible. I had a decent step father, but he's never treated me the same as my younger brother and sister. Even after I've pointed it out to him he still doesn't bother to invite me with them on trips, etc. This is why a lot of child psychologists will recommend that you don't have more kids with different men.

Perhaps your boyfriend would be willing to adopt your daughter? This might give him an official sense that she's his daughter and make her feel more comfortable. I am a single mother to a boy (who's father has never been involved) and I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't willing to adopt my son.

I would try to talk to your husband again and tell him that HIS feelings don't matter. That even if he favors his children on the inside he should treat them all the same on the outside. I'm sure there are books on this (written in his language), perhaps you should pick one or two up and have him read it. Sometimes all it takes a professional opinion to help someone behave appropriately.

Good luck with this, it's such a hard issue.

Your BF needs to understand that it is not ok to treat them differntly, just because she is not his, he got the whole package when he got together with you. Kids are not stupid they know when they are being treated differntly, and why. My Step-daughter started acting up in school, and we couldnt figure out why and she wouldnt talk to us about it. Well turns out I was going to school myself and spent so much time doing homework and studying that I was pretty much not spending time with the kids, my husband, my rock, was doing everthing. I would spend what I could, but because my son lived with me he got more time than she did. Well when i started making an effort to make our time more special, doing girl days, which we still do, and stuff like that her attitude got better and she also improved in school. SO he may not think its making a difference, but it does.

the language barrier between your daughter and your boyfriend is one thing that will for sure be significant... the younger girls aren't going to rely on meaningful conversation to interact with their dad right now.. and the 7 year old will want to talk. And it is natural that they both feel a bit distanced because they are not biologically bound to each other. You'll have to create some moments for them to help forge a bond. Perhaps in the evening when you are getting the younger ones ready for bed they could work on a puzzle together, or give them some other hands-on creative activity they can do together, something that will not require a lot of talking since language is difficult - a simple game that does not require reading. Then switch.. see if he can stay with the younger ones or tend to them when you do something meaningful with your daughter - even it means to go out for an ice cream cone. She will appreciate the effort you've made to spend some one on one time with her.

best wishes...

I guess I just have a question...you have children together, you are trying to raise your family...why aren't you married? Making a solid committment to each other and to the children might be a step in the right direction as far as establishing a sense of security. Nobody's asked the marriage question and that's what jumps out at me first.

Best wishes.
L.
PS: My father is hispanic and my mother is Swedish. I know from experience that those differences can just add beautiful layers to a family, not necessarily put up barriers.

I don't think you should expect your bf to treat your daughter the same as his- he doesn't owe her anything not being her biological father. This could cause him to resent your daughter, as well as her half sisters to resent her. You just have to make her respect your choices in not being with her dad, and being with this guy instead. Assure her that you love her, but you are the mom and make the rules, and this is the life you've chosen and are living.

Hi I'm a hispanic and speak both languages and I think that is not a reason to understand it differently. like the previous respond. He met you and decide to be with you and you already had your daughter so he made a desition to be for both of you not just you right?! hopefully you make it clear from the beginning because I'm sorry but to the man you have to explain certain situations in a way so they can understand, because eventhough he knew that you had a daughter and you didn't talked to him that you wanted him to be her dad or at least if you decide to have kids with him to considerate your daughters feelings.Sometimes happen that you talk to him now he probably will tell you hey hey hey you din't told me all this before we got together and he is going to be right I just want to wish you the best and sometimes is just communication and tell him that he has to think in his other girls he wouldn't like that to happen to them!!hopefully he is just doing it for the reason that my stepdad told my mom (when they met He had 3 girls and one boy and my mom 3 girls then they had a boy)So he had to understand that my mom was going to be his kids stepmom and treat them the same and he was going to be
a stepdad so the same. Well no my mom is and not because is my mom but she was and it is an incredible stepmom well they called her mom and us sisters there was no such thing as stepsisters and stepmom. My stepdad told my mom that He wasn't to close because well first we were girls and he din't wanted to have any missunderstandings that could bring to any fight or separation. He knew my mom was and is very sensitive about all the situations on taking care of her daughters. So maybe and hopefully is just that and well if your b-friend doesn't change yu have to talk to your daughter she is 7 and believe me she will understand if you explain her. to explain I would encourage you to read and be her bestfriend and tell her that she is really special for you and she doesn't need to be special for anybody else and is up to you actually that she doesn't feel left out.
good luck and God Bless You

Let me see if I've got this right. You are not married but have made a commitment to each other by having two children together. The oldest child, yours from another relationship, feels left out because she is not being treated as an equal as the other daughters. If she has the same blood from her mother as her two half siblings then does that not give your boyfriend enough reason to treat her as his own daughter? If he loves you and is committed to you then for the sake of family unity everyone needs to be treated equally. Is this not what love is all about? Being together as a family and loving one another? You might also point out to him that if he does not share love equally with her, this could have serious consequences for her in the future as an adult.