STEPdAD Not COMfORtABLE BEING Called by fIRSt NAME

Not thier dad. Period. They should adress him by his first name or a name that is endearing to them. I think it is kind of strange that he would want to be refered to as dad instead of his first name with the girls. That is what is strange here, not the children calling him by his first name. And I would be concerned if he continues to press you about this. It is not okay.

Sorry I think this is a decision the kids have to be comfortable with...my son was 3 when I became a couple with his step dad and Tyler knew him before from the time he was a baby and it made no difference, he was never Dad he was always his first name. The name doesn't change the closeness.

No real advice here. I've been married for 10 years and my hubby still calls my parents "mr and mrs V." It drives me nuts, but it's what he had decided to do.

I'd not say anything, tell hubby he needs to back-down, and give them time to adjust. 14 months isn't a long time.

L.,
I had the most awesome stepfather on the face of the earth and guess what I called him? His first name.
My biological father was an abusive, raging alcoholic. Was he a big part of my life? No. Did I love him? Yes--he was my father!
NEVER force your kids to call him Dad. He's not their dad--he may be the most wonderful thing since sliced bread, but he is NOT their father. He can't demand that of them, and neither should you, regardless of whether their father(s) is/are in their lives or not. They know he is not their "dad." He does too.
Why is this so important to him? Is he worried about appearances, or is he feeling less-of-a-dad or having an ego thing, since he's not being called dad?
Either way, it's HIS issue--not the girls' issue.
He needs to deal and realize that there's more to a family than labels and that he can't demand that any more than he can demand respect. That's earned. Seriously, your girls are fairly old and this man has been "around" for 14 months and now they're supposed to call him "dad"? Ridiculous. Stand up for your girls. They need to call them what THEY want.

Do not even ask them to call him dad. That is a very personal endearment to say to someone. This man has only been in their lives for 14 months! As a divorced kid, if I had been asked to call a step mom or dad I would have balked and resented being asked.

My mom has been married to my stepfather for over 24 years and I still call him by his first name. I always referred to him as my dad in conversation, but did not call him dad.

Your husband needs to step back and just BE a dad - that is what counts and what will count as life goes on - that is what they will remember. What the girls call him is irrelevant. If he takes this so personally, what will he be upset about in the future.

Your 13 year old is being a teenager (more going on there than we could ever dream of compared to our childhoods) plus dealing with sharing you now - give her a break.

Your 11 year old - a preteen, again he's only been around 14 months, of course she isn't going to warm up to him as a dad yet.

Your husband walked into a world of women and hormones w/ two of them brand new to the hormone lifestyle! To be honest, it may only get worse.

There is a much bigger picture here. Wanting them to call him dad is pretty petty compared to the other issues they have w/ a new man in mom's life and in their home.

I think you need to reevaluate the situation.

Have your husband read these answers - that will help him understand why he shouldn't even be concerned what he is called. As long as it is not sh*thead or jerk, I think his first name is just fine.

**UPDATED**

Although, I do understand how your husband feels about being called by his first name by a minor - I think you have totally missed the point here. It is NOT DISRESPECTFUL for them to call him by his first name - they are not his students! IT IS RIGHT FOR STEP-KIDS TO CALL THEIR STEP-PARENT BY THEIR FIRST NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are NOT being disrespectful - PERIOD! Please don't keep expecting them to call him dad even as time passes by.

With your 'What happened' statement - it seems you didn't even read the responses. Again, the two of you are being petty about this... just be parents and don't worry about what you are going to be called or you are going to be called names you really don't like.

What a whirlwind of a year for your girls!

Stepdad needs to cool his jets a bit. They haven't even known him as long as they've known some of their teachers.

You are not wrong!! I remarried when my son was 3 and it took many years until he began calling my husband dad. My ex was not in the picture by choice so the relationship between my husband and my son grew stronger and stronger as time went on. No one should replace a biological parent if they are in the picture and a good parent. In my case I never forced it. My son did it on his own one day and now at 25 considers my husband his dad. As a matter of fact whenever we meet new people they do not even know he is not his biological child. Point is you cannot force these types or relationships nor should you. You're right in assuming your children may be upset and may even resent him in the long run. Right now your husband needs to realize his place in the family, they are not his children, and he cannot force them to be. Even though their dad isn't that present I am sure they wish he was so they may resent your hubby trying to move in so quickly on them. My dad remarried about 6 years ago and her children call my father dad and the grandchildren call him grandpa. I do not call her mom and my children do not call her grandma. I have a mom and my children have a grandma. I like her, she is a wonderful person but she is my dad's wife and that's it. Do not push your children this could backfire and create a very uncomfortable living situation and most of all create a terrible wedge between you and your children.

This is really up to your daughters, not you or him. They barely know him. He's been in your life for just a little over a year. You can't make kids that age do anything. You and your husband should do whatever makes THEM comfortable, not you. Divorce is hard enough without little nitpicky things like this adding on.

I haven't read all the response--but my mom started dating someone when I was about 13 and I was so, so mean to him! I would shut doors in his face, not acknowledge him--and I was the best kid other than that--straight As, really polite, etc. It was just a really difficult transition for me...and my wonderful stepdad's credit, he didn't really seem to mind. Mostly my family ignored my behavior (probably because they were so surprised by it--I know I was!). Over the years I have come to absolutely adore my stepdad, but I still call him by his first name. He walked me down the aisle when I got married and my 3 year old thinks he walks on water and he was a special name for him. Don't push your kids--you may have fallen in love with him, but they didn't or at least haven't yet. Frankly, if you explain this to him in a compassionate way he should understand and if he doesn't maybe he's not as wonderful as you think...

I'm a stepmom and I would never ask to be called "Mom." My stepdaughter started doing it on her own one day, and I'm okay with that as long as she's okay with it.

I would have your husband continue to refer to "his daughters" if that's how he feels. Let him know that the more he treats them like his daughters, the more they will look to him as a father figure but the ultimate choice to call him "dad" will be up to them. If he continues to treat them like daughters they may make the choice one day. But suggesting it or demanding it is not his right.

I've known kids who refuse to call their bio parent "mom" or "dad" because they don't feel they are a mom or dad. Those things can't be demanded. It's like demanding a hug. It loses all it's significance if you demand or force it.

You can't "make" them call him anything they are not comfortable with - it's their decision in the end. Remember too that at 11 and 13, your daughters are at an age where they want to feel independent and they are going to have a tendency to cop an attitude, so the bigger deal you both make about this, the more friction and tension and bad feelings you are going to create. They might feel like calling him Dad eventually, or they may never call him Dad. They were calling him by his first name from the beginning, they can't be expected to just automatically call him Dad now that you are married. This is not the Brady Bunch, LOL! They should be expected to treat him with respect but they don't have to call him Dad. It was not their choice to have their bio-parents split up and have you marry someone else. I am sorry to say it, but if things don't work out with you and your husband, than what are they supposed to think?

I have 2 stepsons, ages 16 and 17. I've been in their lives since they were 5 and 6, their dad and I got married 6 years ago. They have always called me by my first name, I would never expect them to call me Mom.

I would tell hubby that in the big scheme of things, he would be best off letting this one go - it's not worth it. No disrespect, bu he's the adult here, he should be able to put on his big boy pants and learn to live with it.

I agree with Page....have your husband read Diane's response to your question...hers is a personal experience that he can learn a lot from.
I have been a stepmom for 42 years to my husbands son from his first marriage. At first, we had to be very careful not to allow him to call me "Mamma R." or anything like that because his Biological Mother would have come UNHINGED if he had done that!! I was simply "R." for several years...and then he started calling me" Mamma R." on his own. Now...I am just Mom....his children and grandson call me Grandma...and we have a great relationship.
I think the most important thing that your husband can keep reminding himself of is that this has to come from the HEART....it is great that he already feels like they are his daughters..but he isn't "replacing" a child...he is just adding to his family circle. Even though it sounds like your daughters biological Dad is not involved with them...that doesn't mean they don't WANT him to be involved...and maybe they feel like they are shutting him out even further if they start calling your husband Dad.
I have a couple of suggestions... but don't overdo it...let this seem like a natural part of conversations in your home...
YOU start referring to your husband as Dad ... "Go ask Dad what he wants for dessert"....but don't tell THEM to refer to him that way!! You could also come up with another "name"...not what they use to refer to their biological Father.... my grandson calls his Daddy "Papa".
You are so right to allow this to happen naturally and not force it...tell your husband that something as important as this takes TIME and he wants it to be genuine and heartfelt...not fake. He is being SUCH a good stepfather...and your girls are SO lucky to have him in their lives...tell him to relax a little, and not look at this as something personally directed at HIM....tell him to look at it from the girls perspective and he will see a whole new picture!!!
As to the different ways that the girls relate with him...SO typical...even if he was their biological father that would be true!!! Children change SO much as they grow...and the attitude of your 13 year old...not even wanting to say hello is just part of being a 13 year old!!!
Good luck to you...tell you husband that he has started off on the right foot with your daughters...and to just be patient!!!

Your daughters are older so I would allow them call him by his 1st name. When a man does not raise children especially older kids being married doesn't suddenly make him dad. It is great he loves them and they love him just let them call him by his name I don't see the big deal. Why does the name matter? I'm sorry I just don't understand why you guys are creating so much drama, pick your battles.

Your children should NEVER be expected to call him father. That is their choice and their choice alone.

A lot has happened in a short period of time. They have only known him for 14 months. The 13 year old needs time to adjust, she's going through the preteen phase and the change of you getting married.

He needs to understand just because he's being a great dad to these kids does mean he's doing so to earn the full title of dad.

I'm getting married next month, my finance has said he doesn't care what my son calls him. He is a father figure to my son and he considers my son, his child. I would correct him if he ever made my son feel like he had to call him "Dad".

Hi,

You can't make them call him dad. They have to call him whatever they are comfortable with. If they are forced to, they will resent you and your hubby. It will destroy their relationship with him. I wouldn't force the issue at all. If you make it known that its ok to call him dad, leave it at that. You are very lucky that they aren't having trouble getting along with him~ As long as they aren't disrespectful in whatever name they call him-- leave them alone about it!

M

Do not make them call him Dad and don't even mention it to them. One day they might just start doing it on their own.

When I started dating my husband, my daughter was 1 yrs old. I called my husband by his first name when speaking to my daughter. At first she called him by his first name. Then over time she started calling him Daddy Joe. Then one day she just started calling him Daddy. We never ever told her what to call him. This took a couple years to happen and she was very young. So, it may take a lot longer, if ever, with your girls. It doesn't mean they don't love him though.
Another story to share, my parents both had daughters from previous relationships when they met. They raised my sisters together then later had myself & my brother. One of my sister called our dad (her step dad) Dad but my other sister never started calling our mom (her step mom) Mom. To this day she calls her by her first name but she loves her as her own mother.

If you make them call him Dad, it will push the older two girls away from him even further. They might even start resenting you for making them do something they don't want to do.

.

You can not MAKE them call him dad! That decision should be left 100% up to those children. I'm assuming they all have the same father, so there must have been some sort of relationship between them and him at one point...I mean there is 4 years between the oldest and the youngest. If you try to FORCE them to call him anything other than his given name, you will only create hostility in your home and a possibility of a lifetime of resentment. Make sure they know that it is perfectly ok if they choose to call him dad, but that is up to them. Your husband needs to get over it and come to grips with the fact that no matter how much he does for these kids, they may never look at him in the way he is hoping for. Its all part of being a step-parent and he needs to realize that.

I didn't read the other posts yet, but my children called their step-father by his first name for many years. And lo and behold this year my oldest son, twenty five sent him a Father's Day card and wrote in Dear Dad. Do not force it, your husband sounds like a wonderful father, but let him know that being called Father is not what makes him one.

Please don't TRY to force them, it will only cause them to pull further away. He has been in their lives less than a year as your bf and now less than a year as their stepparent. Just because you have found what you think is your ideal situation, you cannot force it on your girls. They are under zero obligation to slip right into that dynamic if they don't feel comfortable. Your husband should understand that. He isn't their father, that is title he will acquire through unconditionally accepting them, loving them, and being stedfast in that love and acceptance. He needs to take a step back and respect your girls feelings. They may never come to call him dad, but they will certainly see him in that light if he continues to fill that role without expectation.

The simple answer is that you can't, nor should you. I feel it is selfish of your new hubby to even request such a thing! What next?
There is probably no way for you to 'make him understand' if he doesn't already. I'm having a problem understanding his thought processes regarding this issue, and don't really see how anyone else could 'make me' understand something that is so nonsensical to me.

I'd also like to add a bit of personal experience.
My ex and I were together for over 8 yrs, and had 3 children together. When we got married my son was 3 yrs old, at first my son called him name-dad, then after a while he dropped the name part and just called him dad (all by his OWN choosing). Well, to make a long sad story short, when I got tired of being treated badly and left I did NOT want to take away my oldest sons 'dad', so just counted the oldest as 'one of the kids'...that only lasted a few months before my oldest asked me if he could please just stay with me. Apparently without me there to treat poorly, the ex was venting the brunt of his anger/frustrations on my son...I went and got my son that day, only to find out that during all the time he had been with his 'dad' the past few months, he had been left at home EVERY time they left the house because there wasn't room for him in the car (had to have space for the ex's new beau), and was in charge of ALL of the housework. When I notified him that our/my son preferred not to be around him anymore, his response was 'well, it's probably for the best'. My POOR son!!! It made me want to cry that someone he had considered to be his parent (and who had always insisted that nothing would change their father/son relationship) could so easily drop him, w/o so much as a phone call :(

have your children make the choice of what to call your new husband, do not force them as they will resent him and you. Whatever your children feel comfortable with; this is your children’s decision, not yours, or his. I see too many parents that think that this is ok to "make" the children call a stepparent mom or dad, very wrong!!! When the child is old enough to see how much the stepparent has been in their lives, then they will maybe call them mom/dad. When you marry someone that is not their birth mom/dad children have a lot of issues with authority.

Your children are very lucky to have your husband love and care for them as if they were his own, nowadays that is hard to come by...

To this day, even though they are not married (they have been together for 25 years) I still call my mom’s boyfriend by his first name. One year me and my brother went to summer camp, came home and my mom was married to her 2nd husband. We were forced to call her husband “dad.” We refused as he was not our father. Their relationship did not work out so well and resented him and her (still do.) They ended up getting divorced 3 years later.

you really shoud not force that on that. you already said it yourself you don't want ot cause any unwanted friction between them by making them do something they already don't want to do. so maybe you all should sit down and find an approiate name that they can call him. that way he's not feeling disrespected and they ar comfortable also. goodluck

L.,
I have not read all the responses, so I might be repeating. The fact that he is a wonderful step-dad means, exactly that, he is the step-dad. I think it has to be ultimately their decision to call him Dad. I know he has already taken them as his daughters, and I think that is awesome!!, but he has to give them time too. I think that pressuring them into calling him dad might be counterproductive. Calling someone Dad doesn't mean they really love them, the same way that calling someone a bad name doesn't make him/her a bad person. My point is, your daughters will show them love and affection in their own way, at their own time.Remember love is something you show everyday, in every way, not something you say, and it is definitely not expressed in saying dad. You guys got married only 7 months ago, and they may still need some time, and once they all get used to it, and start seeing how much he loves them, everything will be different.
I hope you find this helpful. Good Luck!

I think you should tell each of your daughters - he loves you like a dad, and he would be really happy if you would call him dad. Then tell them the choice is up to them what they call him, and they can start calling him Dad whenever they are comfortable with it.

Then tell him he will have to be patient. There is a good chance they will start calling him Dad, especially the youngest. But they have to make that choice. In the meantime, tell him to keep treating them like a loving dad, and they will probably call him that in time.

Tell your husband Diane's story.

I have been with my husband since my daughter was almost 4yrs old (she is now 10) and she has always called him by his name. Maybe because we weren't together long before we got married, I don't know. But we sat her down before we got married and explained to her how he would be her step dad and all that and some kids call step parents mom/dad or by their name and that it was totally up to her. We even though after we had a child together (she was 6) that she would call him dad when our son started talking, nope, still by name. As much as I wish she would call him dad because he is more of a dad than her bio one is, she still calls him by name. But she knows he is good to her and she does love him.

Now she does have a step mom that she sees and lives with over the summer and sometimes at Christmas when we go home, and I think she calls her by name too. I do know that her bio dad told her that if she ever called my hubby dad she had to call her step mom mom which I told her she can call either one of them dad/mom/name, which ever she felt comfortable with.

As long as you both know he is good to the girls that's all that matters. It's just a name and no name can express how well he cares for you and the kids. In their hearts, they know.

Good luck
S.

I did not read any of the responses...but that was WAY fast for having kids. I am not in that situation so I dont know what I would have done, but by 7 months is probably about the time they should be meeting him, not having him married and living with them. And who really cares if he is uncomfortable? Is he 5? It's about the kids, not him. He should be doing whatever he can to make THEM feel comfortable having a grown man and his son life with them now when they are not used to it. I'm appalled that he would even say anything about it. I'm sorry if this is coming across as harsh, but in the words of my three year old "Jiminey the Cricket!!!" Your girls have got to come first and give them time...he needs to grow up. I dont care how awesome he is, if he has a problem that they are not calling him DAD after only knowing them for 14 months, he has issues.

first off, please turn the caps lock off.

Secondly, you can't FORCE your children to call their step dad "Dad". They are old enough to call them what they want and if they are more comfortable calling him by his first name, then he needs to respect that and not force the issue.

You've only been together a little over a year it will take some time. My boyfriend and I dated for 3 years, then moved into together and it wasn't until about a year and a half later my oldest started calling him Dad so it was about 4.5 years into to our relationship. I wouldn't push and you need to explain to your husband that it will just take some time for them to form that bond with him and to get to where they are comfortable calling him Dad

You can not and SHOULD NEVER MAKE anyone call anyone mom or dad if they are not comfortable doing so!! My step father has been my ONLY father since i was 5 but i have NEVER called him dad. Simply because i knew he WASNT my dad. And even know i knew he acted more like a DAD to me than my bio one did, i still never called him dad. We also had that discussion and him and my mom both said it was up to me. He had no problem with it. Tell your hubby just to let it go, if they eventually call him dad than so be it, but if they dont then they dont. However i do have to tell you, when i refer to him when i speaking about him i do say..."hey my dad did this" etc.etc. On his b-day cards i address them "To. Dad" good luck

Well it's a decision that those girls have to make for themselves. They will have to come to a comfortable place to feel that part of him. When he has been there for them tried and true, then they will feel that affection for him. It really is earned, not expected. He will have to be patient with them. As for the 13 year old, she needs to understand that you remarried and she will have to get over it. She's 13 and there are a lot of hormonal tendencies at that age that make them seem NOT like the child you raised. She will get over that stage also, but will need to be kept in check with attitude towards you and your husband. If he is there for them, loves them, it will show through and they will relay that back in time. His first name is good, at least they aren't calling him something bad. It will work for now, it may change later. He needs to be patient.

It is wonderful that your daughters have this incredibly nice man in their life who is embracing his role as stepfather.
However, it is unrealistic to expect them to want to call him "dad." Real life is NOT like the Brady Bunch. He is NOT their dad. They have a dad even if he is not really a part of their life. They have known this man for just over a year, that's not enough time for a stranger to become your dad. They are not tiny little girls who never knew a dad. They are big girls, the oldest is a teenager. You can require that they show him the respect due to an adult and a family member but I would never have dreamed of expecting kids to start calling a stepfather "dad" unless he legally adopted them with thier consent. As for the teenager, I have a teen and they are usually standoffish or disrespectful to parents at some time, and she may be resentful that he refers to her as HIS daughter when she has her own father who she may wish was more involved in her life. He is not her parent and stepparents are not usually called mom and dad. I don't find it disrespectful to be called by my first name by kids, although I don't have step kids, but if I did, I would expect them to call me M.. If he feels it is incredibly disrespectful even after hearing that kids don't call stepparents mom and dad (because it's incredibly disrespectful to the real mom/dad and the kids' feelings for them), then perhaps to make it feel more like family, it would be agreeable for everyone that the kids call him "Uncle <Insert First Name>" It may sound very silly because he is not their uncle, but he is also not their dad.

14 months is an awful short time to expect pre-teens to call him "dad"... just saying. My dad was married to my stepmom from the time I was 6 until I turned 15, and it took me 5 years to get comfortable calling her "mom" (my birth mother wasn't really in the picture all that much... she abandoned the family when I was 4...) I NEVER called my step-dad "dad" (my mom decided to see us after she had been gone for about 3 years, and my dad kept custody of us...)

I haven't read all the answers, but my sister married a man that had 3 kids, she had one, and the kids call the step parents "Auntie Sue" and "Uncle Bill". In our culture, we use Auntie and Uncle a lot and I think it solves the problem of first names being disrespectful and Mr being too formal.

As long as the girls aren't being disrespectful, let them call their step-dad whatever they want. It's such a tiny detail and the family is still new. Regardless of the relationship the girls have with their bio-dad, they may feel like they're betraying him by calling their step-dad 'Dad'. The more he pushes, the longer they'll hold out and the more likely it'll become a defining characteristic of their life-long relationship (NOT a good thing!).

I have not been in your situation, but the first thing that comes to my mind is that they should NOT be required to call him dad if they aren't comfortable with it. They have a dad and even if they don't see or talk to him often, they know him and to them, HE is their dad. Your new husband is simply your new husband. Most stepchildren never call their stepfather dad unless they were very young when he came into their lives.

The important thing is that they respect him, like him and (if they don't already), learn to love him. He sounds like a great man who treats them very well. He needs to be more understanding and realize that, as much as he acts like a father, he is not the man they will call dad.

Maybe you can come up with something else for them to call him, rather than his first name. Maybe they could call him "papa joe" (or whatever his name really is).

K.
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L.,

I have a son who is 17 from a previous relationship. When I met my now husband my son was 5 going on 6. I personally never forced him to call my new husband dad. I felt like if it came naturally to him, then he would. That being said, it is my opinion that you should not push your children into something they are not comfortable with. Especially at the older age that they are. Getting put into a blended family presents enough challenges for all involved. Just remember as much as your kids may or may not like your husband they simply had no choice in the matter. They didn't get to choose the relationship, and if you push them to do things before they are ready, it may make them resent your husband and the marriage. I understand your husband's feelings as well, but as an adult he needs to understand that it is all about the kids right now and not him. The children need to be handled with care and their feelings need to take precedence over his issue with wanting to be called dad. They may feel comfortable enough over time to call him dad, but it may never happen at all. It is ok, he IS their father figure in the house and as long as they have a mutual respect, the label doesn't matter. My son still calls my husband by his first name and that is ok with us. Their relationship is that of a father and son and we never got hung up on the name thing. I knew that somewhere in my son's heart, he was always sensitive regarding the issue of his biological father not being in his life. I felt if I pushed him to call my husband dad, it would push out what little hopes he had of his real father being in his life. Also, as he reached close to and into his teens, I also felt the emotional shakiness of those years and didn't want him to resent my husband, our marriage, or me by pushing such an issue. No matter what type of father their biological father is, he is still going to be in their thoughts. Pushing them to call your new husband dad might to them in someway mean that their real dad doesn't exist anymore. These are just my opinions. I wish you the best in whatever you guys do.

love and peace,
T

You have to leave it up to them, and since they are older they may never feel comfortable with it. I never called my step dad dad, I called him by his first name. He may not like it, but if that is what is most comfortable for the children he will just have to get used to it. Don't push the issue.

I know you already have a ton of answers & I haven't read them all. Could you & your husband come up with some names that he likes, such as Papa Bob (insert his name here) or Bob Daddy. Explain to them that now that you are a family that everyone needs to come up with a name that suits him. Let them choose some names too & then have a family vote. This way everyone is involved in the decision & you would probably be surprised at what they may come up with... especially if they get the choice.

Please relate this message to your husband.
It's not wise to ask teens to call him dad at this time; it's wise for them to do it on their own...if ever. It's wise for him to call them daughters because that makes him feel more part of them and unifies the family. It's wise to wait and be patient; maybe try to see life from these teens' perspective who know their real father and do not want to "betray" him by calling someone else dad (one posibility!). He must also take into consideration that he's rather new in these teens life.
Tell him to be content in doing the job he's already doing. Your kids are doing fine and giving him respect by calling him by his name. Maybe one day they will call him dad but that should neither be asked for, nor expected.
Best to you and yours

Hi L..
I am a step mom to four kids. My husband and I dated for about a year before we got married. The kids lived with their bio mom during that time and then moved in with us right before our wedding. It took about a year for the youngest (6 at the time) to start calling me mom. It never bothered me that they called me by my first name because I don't have any kids of my own so I was used to be called by my name. My husband then started referring to me as "mom" When he was talking to the kids about me or would say " go as your mom" instead of " go ask M.". Shortly after that the kids all started calling me mom, except the oldest, who was 12.
She still calls me by my first name.

I hooe this helps.
Good luck,
M.

I think the simplest answer is either to call him "Coach" or "Papa XXX (first name). The second option is what I call my step-father.

I would highly recommend that you stop trying to "make" your girls call your sweet hubby "dad". Anything you push will create resistance!

I am a step parent. I was privileged to have been raised by a step-mother who nurtured me from age 3-13 and really was the best thing that could have happened to me. When I became a step-parent I sought her advice.

This is what she shared with me: "You have chosen to marry someone with children. The kids did not pick you. Your job is to facilitate your partner's relationship with his children and to love them. You cannot expect them to love you. That may come in time, with love, patience and luck!"

Dad is as dad does and I suspect that eventually the love he shows your girls will be reciprocated and they will come to call him Dad on their own accord.

I got married when my son was 7 and I did force him to call my husband dad. I wish I hadn't done that. It would have been much better if we let it come naturally. I think he would have called him dad within a few years anyway. I suggest maybe papa (whatever your husbands name is).

I haven't read all your posts but I just wanted to share one thing with you. I know someone whose stepfather made him call him daddy and to this day they aren't close at all. I also know someone whose stepdad just let the relationship grow and allowed the kids to call him by his first name and they are very very close. Well until he passed a couple years back. They accepted him and loved his as a father without being forced to give up the knowledge that they did have a biological dad. A well respected family physchiatrist, Dr. James Dobson, says that it takes about 7 years for the people involved in a blended family to actually have the same depth of bondedness as a natural family. Now the exact timing may be different for different people but it does take some time, like some years. I think he would be wise to accept whatever name the kids use and just focus on all the great dad things he is obviously doing with them. Making a big deal about a fine point might end up undoing all his awesome parenting. The do have a biological father and even if he isn't in the picture it doesn't mean he isn't deep in their hearts and they don't need to feel that they ever have to choose between their stepdad and their dad in my opinion. So I say let the kids lead on this one and take it slow. Good luck!!

could they come up with another name to use? papa, poppy, father is pretty formal but the papa or pops

Usually step-parents are referred to by their first name. Perhaps you can come up with some sort of term of endearment, but I wouldn't make them call him "Dad."

I completely understand your husband's feelings. My husband and I both have custody of our children, total 8. The mother still has visitation but is neglectful. It hurts so much that I'm more of a mother to them than she ever was but they don't call me mom at this point. Also, the bio mother has chastised them harshly if they call me mom and I don't want them to get in trouble.

But, it's not about me. My husband and I have talked about it more than once and I can't force them to call me mom. HOWEVER, the other night, the 7th one said "mama, can I sit in your lap? Mama?" I didn't make a big deal out of it, just cuddled with her.

When the children are older, they will understand who was their true parent, the real dad and mom. I pray about this all the time, especially when I'm feeling worn down by taking care of everyone. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

I hope this helps.

This one is very close to home for me. My bio dad left when I was 5 and was rarely a part of my life. BUT he was the only DAD I knew. My mom re-married to a great man when I was 19. We did an adult adoptions and he officially became my DAD. However, it was weird for me to call him DAD because for me it was someone else that I though of when I used that word and had been all my life. We went to family counseling with a great counselor and we talked it over. My feelings his feelings etc. It took some time for me to become comfortable with the idea that I could call him DAD too and that it wouldn't change anything about my other DAD.
I think forcing your older children to call him DAD would be a bad idea. They are probably struggling with how to fit in to the 'new' family dynamic because they already have a DAD even if he is not a great one. As the bond and the love grows and they mature they might get more comforable and come to appreciate how your husband behaves as a DAD should and is there for them and loves them unconditionally - even if they don't call him Dad.

I hope that helps a little!

As the former step-daughter of 5 step-parents (my parents don't do marriage very well <wink>), I would advise asking your husband to just accept what they call him and not force your daughter's to call him anything than what they are comfortable with. When parents start forcing this issue, it's not coming from a place of love but a place of insecurity and fear...and that never leads to anything good.

Good luck!

If I would ever become a stepmom it's my 1st name only not mom,mama,or mommy because I feel that i'm not that to them I have my kids & they have their own mom,mama,mommy.Just my 2cents I wouldn't liek it either if my kids called a step mom or dad...

wOW tHE wAy yOu tYpE iS So aNnOYiNg!!!!

Type like a normal person please. Thank you.

Let them be who they are. Don't force them to do anything uncomfortable. I mean, after 14 months, I can't imagine calling someone dad.

When my husband and I got married, I called his parents Mom and Dad. We've been married for almost 10 years, he still calls my parents by their first names. That's what he's comfortable with and I have to honor that. I don't want to force someone to be who they are not. Be glad your kids know what they want.

It is reasonable for him not to be called by his first name by "his kids" whether they are his biologically or by marriage; however, it is also normal for them not to want to call him dad. If his name is Jason, maybe they could call him "Mr. Jason" or come up with a nickname for him. My husband's aunt couldn't bring herself to call her stepdad "dad" or his name when her mother remarried after her father's death so she started calling him "Hector". Since Hector was not his name, it was was truly a nickname. I have always called by step parents by their first names with no problems...but that was the norm for both sides of my family.

You're not wrong, you should not force them to call him Dad. He's not their biological father and they've known him and called him by his first name for a long time. I was raised by a step-father who really wanted me to call him Dad, and even though my real dad wasn't in the picture, I just never felt comfortable calling him Dad. His name is David, so when I wrote out a birthday card, I would address it to Dadvid, and he liked that, but that was as much as I ever felt comfortable with. When speaking with other people I would often refer to him as my Dad, but that was more for ease than anything. It took many years for me to get to that point. My Mom married him when I was 13 (but I didn't like him, so that's a bit different). It will be difficult for your girls and they may or may not come around. The most your husband can do is to let them know how much he loves them and that he would love it if they called him Dad, but that he doesn't want to pressure them - just let them know that's it's okay with him if they do.

Good luck,
S.

Just read the update: could they call him 'coach' :) At this point, if a nickname can't be thought up, then his first name is the most respectful option that doesn't sound too cold and distant. Requiring Mr. so and so would only distance the step relationship even more. wow, this is a tough one - I wish you all luck!