Advice Regarding Giving a Child for Adoption.

Hi B.,

I recently placed my son with an adoptive family, and I have much peace, even though my heart aches. I chose open adoption, and I think it was the best thing I could have done. I prefer to know my son, and be present in his life. The other option you referred to, where you give birth and leave the baby at the hospital is called "Safe Haven". Google this, and there's much information available.

Good luck with whatever you choose. I know how agonizing this is for you.

K.

I am adopted. I would love to tell my birth mother thank you for putting me up for adoption.

I had the opportunity to have a completely different life than what I was born into. My bith mother was getting a divorce, had five other children, and worked full time. My adoptive mother was a stay at home mother, I became a first born, and her background was in teaching. She was able to help me with some Speech and learning needs I had.

You are about to do a very unselfish and loving act. My mother always said that my birth mother loved me so much she gave me up so I could have a better life.

I know that she succeeded in giving me that better life by giving me up. I would not have these wonderful children I have, this supportive husband, and extended family if it was not for that first act of love.

Talk to many different adoption agencies. I know 41 years ago (when I was adopted in CA) that my birth mom and adoptive parents never met. She had me in the hospital and my parents picked me up there.

The only item I would have liked changed about the situation would have been more health information from my biological parents . It is hard to fill out medical forms when I don't know my biological history.

I will hope that you find peace in your heart. Adoption is an act of compassion not only for the child but also for the prospective parents. What a gift!

I'm just sending you a hug.

Since you seem, from your previous posts, to only have a problem with pregnancy because it is a third child of the same gender...I am having a hard time being compassionate. However, having chosen an abortion while in my early twenties I can assure you that I always wish I had chosen to carry the baby and keep it or give it up for adoption. I still, ten years later, remember the exact date and many years I still cry about it.

It is easy to say now that you think an abortion would have been easier. There is no way to know how it will affect you unless you actually go with it. At the time, I was absolutely convinced that it was the right way to go--three miscarriages after that I was convinced that I was being punished.

I think you are still struggling with the decision at all. Having two children already, you know all the joy and struggle that comes with kids.

That all being said, I think you should get some adoption counseling. If you want to get to know the people who will raise your child, the time to start looking is now. If you want to make a clean break, then simply contact DFPS and ask how you can turn the child over to them to make arrangments. If you just want to do it nearly all, if not every, hospital that has a maternity ward participates in the "Baby Moses Law" and you can leave your baby there without fear of being charged with abandonment.

I know you are struggling. Please find some help for your health and the health of your family. Take the time you need to grieve and close this chapter on your life.

Dear B.,
It seems as though you've been conflicted about this for a long time. Get help and advice from local adoption agencies and family court services. You may even be able to get referrals through your local mental health department. (Not that you are mental, but they do have lots of resources).
You need someone to talk to you about the specifics of adoption and the different choices available to you.
Some women prefer an "open adoption" which allows them to meet and choose prospective families and stay in touch after their babies are born. Some women choose a different path all together. It all depends on what will work for you and be the easiest on you emotionally.
Keep in mind that as you get closer to the birth date, your mind may change about wanting to hold your baby, at least for a few minutes, to make sure he's fine and in the back of your mind, you can always know that you did hold him and kiss his face and then let him go to another family as the most precious gift ever.
If you feel strongly about not holding the child or seeing the other parents, that's up to you, too. It's a very personal decision. I support you either way.
I know that back in the old days, especially if a girl was young, she would have her baby and it would be taken away before she had a chance to see it or hold it thinking it would be easier on them. But many of those moms felt they never had any closure. No good-bye. I guess there is a theory behind such complete and immediate separation. And perhaps it was hard on those moms because they weren't really given a choice.
You have time to reach out for help with the pros and the cons of doing it either way and time to make an informed decision as to what you feel you can handle.
Adoption is not an easy thing. But, one day your child will know you loved them enough to choose life for them. There are so many people who can't have children and would feel they could never repay you for the gift other than to love the child as their own.
Get counselling. Surround yourself with good people who have your best interest and the babies best interests at heart.
Make sure you have continued help after the baby is born so that you don't just try to convince yourself none of it ever happened.
Weigh the possibilities that you may want to keep your baby after all.
Like I said, get a support group and resources to help you through this process and all of your different options.

God bless you. I hope you get some great responses and some great resources to help you through all of this.
There are so many families that want children.
The gift of life is immeasureable.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

I don't have any personal experience with adoption, but I do want to congratulate you on your choice to give this baby a chance at a good life instead of terminating your pregnancy. It is a very tough decision either way and both routes are filled with questions, regrets and emotional stress, but your choice to carry the baby to term is a wonderful gift you have given this baby. You should always be proud of yourself for taking the harder path for the baby's sake.
Have you spoken with any adoption agencies? If not, that would be the place to start. They will have counselors to help you through the process and afterwards, access to support groups and will be able to answer all of your questions about the different types of adoption and what will fit your needs specifically. You might just want to start with a call to the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services (http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/)and get recommendations from there.
I wish you lots of luck and I really respect your strength!

My aunt and uncle were unable to have children, and so instead they adopted. Giving your child up for adoption will give this child to have a chance at a family where he will be the center of attention, the center of love, which every child deserves to have. Please call your local hospital or the hospital where you intend to give birth and ask about their adoption services. Go in and have a consultation, and talk about the different options available to you, including your involvement (or lack) in choosing the family, and your options for open vs. closed adoption. They may also provide you with counseling to make certain you are sure of your decision. I think they will be able to help you more than anyone on this site, and it does sound like counseling would benefit you.

The only thing I would caution is please make SURE this is what you want. The cruelest thing you can do is promise your baby to a family that desperately wants one and then change your mind. Don't do that to a family - do your research and make an educated decision. Do whatever you need to do to be comfortable with you decision, including seeking counseling before and after the experience. I wish you the best of luck.

I would LOVE another boy. My boy is very sweet & kind. My 3 girls are a pain in the @$$ & drive me nuts. Although I have never had an abortion or placed a child up for adoption, I would love to adopt. You can contact me anytime!

My sister works in labor & delivery & their has been woman that give birth but decide to leave the baby there for adoption. There are no questions asked & no forms to fill out. About 3 months ago this happened & the Dr that delivered the baby ended up adopting her! You can also drop an infant off at a police station or fire dept. if you change your mind.

I truly pray for you.

B., honey, I'm saddened that things are so difficult and you have a very challenging situation. I am an adoptive mother and if it wasn't for my son's birth mom loving him so much to give him up, I wouldn't have the best blessing in my life. If you know that your current situation is not healthy for this baby, please be brave and love him/her enough to follow through with the adoption. Contact an adoption agency. They have adoption counselors and can help you through this difficult decision. An adoption counselor can help you understand whether you have to have contact, want to have contact, want the child, are being pressured to give up the child, etc. I took a couple extra minutes to look up one in San Antonio. You can start with a phone call to them. If you decide to give this child up for adoption, it would be better if the adoption was arranged ahead of time, so that the child doesn't get dropped into the foster care system. This is what will happen if you just leave the baby at the hospital or a police or fire station, but all of those are better than an extreme or desperate act. Please reach out to someone, protect yourself, your family and this baby from an act of desperation.
My prayers are with you,
S. (adoptive mom to a boy who runs me ragged)

http://www.adoption-alliance.com/birth-parents-main-texas-tx

Please seek the services of a reputable, licensed and respected adoption agency. They will help you navigate the complex world of adoption and your various options. They will see to it that you have access to counseling. There is no need to walk this road alone. Find an agency you can work with. The sooner the better!

I strongly advice against using a private adoption attorney or adoption "facilitator". They work for the prospective adoptive parents. You need an advocate in YOUR corner.

I have never given any of my children up for adoption. I have had the pleasure of taking care of an adopted child. I am so thankful to both her birth Mother and her adoptive Mother. She was born at the same time I gave birth to my fourth child. My daughter was stillborn and my heart was so broken. That little adoptive child have my empty arm something to hold. She has been a blessing to everyone she has met. I can not even fathom a world without her in it.

Your baby will bring joy to more than one family. Your child was created for a very important purpose, as we all are. We will all be blessed because you are giving birth to this child. The lives that will be touched by you are to numerous to count. I Thank You!!!!!!

I will be praying for you and your child!

Your PS speaks volumes on how you feel about the adoption versus the abortion. Having an adoption alternative is not the end of the world at all. There are so many women out there who can't have children and there are so many on a waiting list to have a child...they sometimes wait for years and years. There shouldn't be a need for a waiting list. Please re-read your last sentence.

I'm not sure if this organization can help you with your questions, feelings, and thoughts (all are valid to your situation, trust me), so I'm going to post in hopes that you find everything you need:

http://www.christianadopt.org/

Good luck and God bless :) Please remember that this new baby will fulfill hearts of another family, that your decision is not self-centered. Just look at the bigger picture ;)

You have to do what feels right for you. I know people who never saw the child, never held it, never even knew the sex, and I know people who have given children in open adoptions and get pictures every year as the child grows. I know that the ones I know who never knew the child morn the child they never knew, look at every child wondering and longing to at least know if it was a son or daughter. I know the one who has an open adoption cries when she gets her photos each year, her heart longing, acking, but she is so happy to know her child in some small way, to know her life is good and that she was able to give her that good life by giving her away. Either way, this will not be easy, it will rip your heart out, and you will think the tears will never stop, but you have to just stay focused on what is best for the child. My heart breaks for you, but I am also so inspired by you, you have decided to give someone the most incredible and unselfish gift you could possibly give, search your heart to decide which terms will make that gift easier for you to give. There is no right choice here, it is simply which option do you feel will make it easier for your heart to mend when it is all said and done. You have an amazing strength I do not think I could ever possess. Blessed be you and yours.

I just want to say I'm sorry you have had to read so many harsh responses. It's obvious you are going through an incredibly difficult time and the last thing you need is people criticizing you and saying you're a bad person for doing what you're doing.

I hope that you are receiving regular (weekly or even twice a week) counseling and that you are taking antidepressants. Most are safe to take during pregnancy and won't harm the baby in any way. They may help you to feel better about your life in general.

Talk to an adoption agency. Find out what your options are and what the process is like. They can help you decide between an open or closed adoption. They can probably also help counsel you about what to do if you change your mind upon delivery (assuming you have not chosen a specific family - to promise your baby to a family and then change your mind would break their hearts).

A friend of mine has 3 boys - a 5 year old and 3 year old twins. It's hard, but she says it gets easier every year. The older they get, the more they play together and she can see their bond. Don't worry about what other people are going to think of you. Just do whatever is best for you.

Again, please seek counseling. Talk to a therapist and a psychiatrist. Don't worry about the stigma attached to it. Your boys need a happy mom.

I hope whatever you decide to do, you're able to find peace in the decision and not look back with regret.

Hi B.,
I placed a son for adoption.
Although it is the hardest decision I have ever made I do not and never have regretted it. During my pregnancy when I first began to look into adoption and I heard about "open adoption" my first response was, "no way, if I know where my baby is I'll want to raise him". Well I began to ask questions about open adoption and came to the conclusion that it was the right chioce for me, my baby, and his extended birthfamily.
My life and his would have been different if I had made any other choice. I do not allow myself to second guess my decision, it is the one I made and we each have the life we do because of it. I can't wonder "what if".
He has a wonderful family. We have mutual respect. I chose them to be his parents and trusted them with my precious baby. They also trust me and know that I have only love and his best interest at heart. We have a truly open adoption, we know where each other live and have an ongoing relationship similar to the relationships I have with my nieces and nephews. It is what works for us. We don't have a set schedule but see each other usually a couple times a year. He graduated high school this month, my family and I went to his graduation celebration.
I am now a married mother of 3. I have found it easiest for me to tell my children honestly about their brother while they were newborn infants. That way I could cry about it and not feel silly. I told my baby how much I love all of them. That way I always felt I could talk about him without my children ever having a moment that they would remember learning about him, it was something they always knew. We have pictures of him in our home and he and his Mom have even come to some of our special family celebrations.

I wish you the best as you make the best decision for you and your family. Please get the counseling and support you need. Feel free to message me if there are any questions I can answer for you.
-K.

Hi B.! How are you feeling? I remember reading your post when you first found out you were having another boy. At the time I did not have advice, but I remember talking your situation over with my MIL. She was staying with us, caring for me because I was on bed rest. She is the mother of three sons. She loves them all, but always wanted a daughter. At the time I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to carry my baby to term, the gender was so unimportant to me compared to my deep fears and guilt. I felt so horrible for my first reaction at discovering I was pregnant. I was so scared, and then when the baby's health was threatened I felt like it was my fault for not being thrilled about being pregnant. So I did not have advice for you, but knew my MIL could relate. She finally got her "girl" when her oldest son had a daughter. I love this site BUT sometimes people write in and say things that can make you feel worse. Luckily this is balanced out by people who can write from a compassionate standpoint. As I've read through your responses I see you have gotten both. I just wanted to offer support, but I am not sure I have any extraordinary points of wisdom to share. I know you have the ability to make someone's dreams come true by giving your son up for adoption, and knowing that may be a focul point for coping. But I agree with you that YOU need some support, that this will not be "easy" and that there really isn't a painless option given your intense feelings surrounding this situation (which I think should be intense, it is a major decision). I really agree with others who have reccomended contacting an agency because they can offer counseling. I know you have tried counseling already, but maybe you could give it another try, with someone who works specifically on these issues? I wish you peace and comfort on this journey. I also hope you have support to have the strength and wisdom to get through this.

I did daycare for 5 years. Almost HALF of the kids I took care of were adopted! (LIKE 5 or 6!) They were loved and treated so well! Their parents couldn't have loved them any more than if they had been able to conceive them and give birth themselves!

I have suffered 4 miscarriages. We have thought about adopting numerous times. Just haven't taken the plunge yet.

I don't know anyone who has actually given their child up for adoption..... I imagine it would be the most difficult thing in the world. But if you contact an agency and PICK the family for your baby, you will at least have some peace knowing that you are giving your child a better life.

Adoption is ALWAYS a better choice than abortion! Don't let anyone convince you otherwise NO MATTER WHAT YOUR REASONS FOR GIVING A CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION ARE! You are choosing LIFE for your child!

Contact an agency and just start gathering info. They will help you! Get their counseling started right away so you can finalize whether or not this is the right decision for you and then you can prepare accordingly.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru such a difficult time right now! I have no good advise for you becuase I know if it were me I would be having a hard time knowing I was going to give my baby up too!
I am only writing to say that as hard as it is for you , maybe you will be able to find some comfort in the knowledge of what you have given this precious baby! You are giving him LIFE and since you don't feel you can provide him with the best possible life you are doing a most unselfish thing by letting someone who wants a child SO bad take them and love them! I hope you can focus on this part of the adoption and make it through this had time! He will have such a wonderful life I am sure!

Hi B.,

We formed our family through adoption. I know this must be one of the hardest decisions you will have to make in your life. Texas has some wonderful adoption agencies; the first is to fine one with a social worker that understands with your needs. Adoption is not what you see in the movies, you can help chose who you want to raise and love your child as well as chose how much contact you want. Our son's birthmother chose us and we met and spoke to each other several times before our son was born - I cannot express the love our family feels for his birthmother.
But please find an honest and trust worthy adoption agency, they will help you make the right choice for you and your baby.
You are in my prays during this difficult time for you.

I'm going against the grain on this one....is your husband controlling? Is he "demanding" a girl? I very much feel that you want what your husband wants...a girl. I think his "bullying" has forced you into "posting" on this site... PLEASE SEEK HELP!!! Give the baby up if you have to....but dont do it because of MAN.....

I had severe infertility. And got to know sooooo many couples with no kids that are aching so badly for a baby that they would agree to anything a birthmom wants.
I have heard from social workers that for the birthmom, the less time you bond with your baby, the easier. And ask for the adoptive parents to send a picture and letter once a year to your lawyer without expecting you to write back.the better