Advice on "Keeping Your Cool" with Teenagers

My 17 year old drives me bonkers. I always see my sweet little 2 year old in her face.. and try very hard to keep that image there when she's being ridiculous. I set limits and make myself stick to them, like not engaging in her battles with me. Sometimes I wish I had a "fast forward" or "rewind" button! I try not to respond, at all, to her negativity, I no longer try to make light of things she says, when its bad, because it makes it worse. I try not to offer advice, unless she seeks it. I respond with many "hmms", and how does that make you feel, what do you think about that etc, to the things she talks about, keeping many opinions to myself, to avoid battles. Hmm... :)

I made a point of telling each of my children that I loved them at least once each day. I usually gave them a hug at the same time. I tried to find something praiseworthy that they did each week and complement them on it.

Sometimes it was really difficult, but those simple things really help get us [past some really difficult times.

When they or I said something the other didn't like, I sometimes would ask, "What did you mean? Were you trying to say XXXX.? Or did I misunderstand you. It didn't work all the time, but it helped several times.

I also chose my battles. BTW, I had 5 teenagers at one time for a short period of time, it just seemed like forever. ;-))

Good luck to you and yours.

ZITS is the comic strip of our choice! I have them posted on my frig & saved for my sons' scrapbooks!

During our less than optimal interactions, I try to maintain a DramaQueen sense of humor. It really helps me & cranks down on the negative energy for them. "OMG, you are right! You are sooo mistreated! Thank you for sharing with me".....would be one of my favs. I follow it up with a big hug, & then they usually try to knock me off my feet with their return hug.

Another phrase I used a lot with my older son would be: "just because you think life sucks, doesn't give you the right to suck the life out of all of us". He hated hearing it!

Oh, & as for that kitchen windowsill....I have a small angel sitting on mine as a constant reminder that life can be good!

Dont sweat the small things, atleast not for to long. My 17 year old may look crazy, and be bull headed with opinions, but shes lived 30 years in her short 17 and maturity wise most of the time that shows. I thought that when she was 12-15 she was just being all hormonal and angry, but really she was upset at me and my boyfriend (Im her grandmother, her mother passed 5 years ago) I had been on her case for everything, her friends, her grades, her clothes, and then I felt really horrible when I found out she had been cutting her legs up because I upset her so bad. She says now it was just her young immaturity. Now I try (sometimes fail) at just making sure that she is going to college.

This may sound silly, but I try to drive each of my 3 teenagers somewhere each week, ALONE in the car - just the two of us. Somehow we manage to have really pleasant conversations in the car, usually initiated by my kids. Don't know what it is, but having those pleasant moments colors the rest of our relationships into something nicer, too.

Continue to be firm on those things that you need to be firm on. Now is not the time to be her "friend". Encourage her to talk to you, but not under the pretense that you can't say anything that isn't in agreement with her. We went through the same thing with our DD, starting at 12. She always wrote me letters saying she wanted us to be friends. What that really meant was if she told me something that she had been doing wrong, I was not to correct her or tell her Dad. I wouldn't do that. I explained that as her mother(step), it is my job to make sure she is safe and well and that I would not lie or keep things from her father, especially if it's something that could harm her or get her into trouble. Now 22, we have a good relationship. We had to be firm with the discipline (grounding, no phone, tv, etc) when something was done wrong. Hang in there, it will get better.

.

Well, per my experience with my late Dad... HE made a point, of having a 'relationship' with me, as a parent. Not it being all about just punishing or taking 'at' me.
Thus, we got along. No angst. He also "understood" me a great deal... and allowed me to be myself and did not try to make me into what he thought I should be.
So we had a good 'relationship' of mutual respect.

My Mom on the other hand, was the opposite. She was all about talking 'at' me and negative comments and not really 'knowing' me. Thus, there was angst and conflicts, with her. I did not feel 'close' with her. I did not go to her with my feelings or problems or concerns.

So, those are my experiences about being a Teen.. .and what helped and what didn't. And how it formed a 'relationship' with my parents, or not.

My daughter is past the worst of it now at 17 and a pretty good kid. Sometimes we just needed a timeout from each other. Instead of going head to head in a battle of wills, just table it, think about it and come back together to talk about when you are more calm.

Took some time, but not hearing the snarkiness behind some of the remarks that they can make and trying to focus on what the real issue is and deal with that and not overreact. Letting her learn by making her own mistakes sometimes was much more impactful than my just telling her she can't do something...(obviously there are some decisions I had to step in on) letting her fail and not judging her lets her have the control and the experience.

Good luck, it gets better. Just remind yourself this will pass and chances are she will grow into a wonderful person you will be proud of!

Hi!

The picture is great, and if you want to extend that, try this.
Make a 3 x 4 (large) poster board with a bunch of picture ranging from the sweet baby years to current photos. Arrange them in a collage manner and then surround them with large words that describe the great qualities of her. Hang it up so everyone in the family can see! Heck, do one for yourself...or do it together! You both will see how she rocks!

S.

I would recommend the parenting book: "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic"

It provided such common sense in how to approach complicated conversations about driving, peer pressure, grades, choices...it saved me a lot of confrontation. I could state what I was willing to consider, what I was not willing to consider in a calm and non-threatening way and still communicate how much I loved her.....but laid out how I would respond to her choices if she chose poorly.

I'm chiming in late to this question, but do have one more suggestion. When your teen is asking to do something... go out with other teens somewhere, or whatever... and you're not immediately sure about allowing it, be honest and tell her that you need to take a little time to consider it and will get back to her with an answer. I recall a particular incident when our daughter asked to go somewhere with her friends, and for some reason I didn't immediately feel easy about allowing her to go. After a few hours consideration, I felt even less easy, so told her that I was going to have to say "no" to her request. As I told her, I also explained that I couldn't honestly give her a rational answer as to why I was saying 'no' but that I just had a 'gut feeling' that she shouldn't go, and that since as her mother it's my responsibility to protect her, I had to say 'no'. We are Christians and believe that 'gut feelings' are really nudges from God so she understood and accepted my answer, even though she seemed disappointed at the time. The next day she came to me after school and thanked me for having kept her from going. She had found out that, though nothing really drastic had happened to her friends on the outing, it had turned out to be something she was happy she had not participated in doing. She never told me the full details, but let me know she appreciated me taking a stand as her mother and protector, and then told me that she herself had been having doubts about going and was happy to have had my decision as a reason to give her friends for not going.
Incidents of this kind gave us more incentive when it was time to loosen the apron strings and give her more freedom later.
BTW I'm now observing that young lady, as a mother to her own two daughters, doing a much better job of parenting than I feel I ever did.

I was a good teenager but my sisters weren't... from about age 11 - 15 were the worst with my daughter and me... She's 16 now, and less drama, but we still have our moments... One thing that helped me was remember my own feelings at that age... How wise I am now, but then and into my 20's boy did I know more than my parents, and they never experience anything I was going through... Keep open communication as much as possible, she will try to keep you out too... Also, one day she'll have kids too... Don't give in to her either and be consistent in everything... Pray, Pray, and PRAY... One day you'll have your little girl back, shell be grown, but your relationship will be good... She's her own person and she's just trying to figure out who that is with peer pressure...
I do know how hard it is, but this to will pass... the sun will shine again...