Advice on If This Is a Fair Conmpromise...

I'd let him know why you need a schedule and then on those days, do something fun to add to it (lingerie, champagne whatever) and he'll appreciate it. Also, if you're feeling up to it on a non-scheduled night, consider initiating.

If you read one of my last posts you would see I have the same issue. It sucks sometimes, but meeting each others needs really is important. Once you meet his, he will be more likely to help you. Men are kinds like kids that way, go ahead and schedule it, he will appreciate the effort!

Sometimes a schedule is the best thing. When me and my hubby were having a hard time getting back in sinc with each other we decided to have sex every other day, whether we wanted to or not. It helped us get back on the same track and now we have sex 2 -5 times a week without having to force it or schedule it any longer.

You're just taking a "tacit" known (on days where you have help, you're less tired, and therefore more likely to have some vavoom left in you), and putting it out on the table. That's not even compromise :) That's just being open and aboveboard. Which men often need.

I've noticed that for many men "what they see" is what they believe. Like people don't actually exist if they're not in the man's presence. I'm not talking narcissism... just a childlikeness. They know INTELLECTUALLY that we're busy, but they equate being at home to relaxing, so their head and their gut say two different things. The "of course!" things that some men and most women SEE just aren't SEEN by most men and some women (like a full day less than 2 months after giving birth = an exhausted spouse as a matter of course, and that days where you can nap you'll have enough energy for your libido to turn on).

I WOULDN'T *say* thurs/fri/sat... however... because most men have this "thing" about commitments (regardless of the fact that life changes and exceptions occur, the get doubly hurt if there is a "broken" commitment). From experience. Suggest them, but in the context of "Days where you're home are so much more RELAXING, I don't have to be constantly supervising, and if I can even get in a NAP!!!!... or know I can sleep IN the next day...on THOSE days, I can't keep myself off you. So like with schedules right now, that's like Thurs/Fri/Sat..."

Actually... when my son was young... I found the BEST time for sex was 2nd nap. My H worked long hours as well... but on accident he came home one afternoon and I jumped him. He made a point of coming home in the afternoon WHENEVER possible when he realized I was actually awake and aware during the daytime.

Whatever works for you! I've given my DH a "window" of when I like to have sex (Don"t approach me too late at night!) I've also told him what turns me on (him helping me clean up the kitchen and make lunches rather than sleep on the couch)

WHOA! You only just had a baby 7 weeks ago! Your DH obviously still has the hots for you. how sweet!

I agree witht Denise P. Right now a schedule may work for the both of you.

No it does NOT sound ridiculous =-)

Don't schedule it, initiate it! On Thursday night say, "Honey, I'm in the mood are you?" Then he'll be thrilled! He doesn't want to be another appointment or obligation. Say yes, even when your tired on those nights and if you just can't on the other nights then say no.
You can schedule it in your mind, but make it seem spontaneous to him. He wants to know you desire him.

You have a 2.5 yo, a 7 week old and go to school FT? I'm surprised you're being THAT generous! LOL Sometimes you DO have to schedule stuff. It will take the pressure off.

I agree with the other mom that he's damn lucky you have the energy to even give him 3 days a week. The only way to know if it's fair is to talk to him about it. You have to remember to be fair to yourself too. I can't imagine even wanting to do anything after just 7 weeks post delivery. It will probably hurt his feelings less if you guys sat down at just talk it out before you get to bed. Everybody expresses love diferently maybe he needs to know that taking the garbage out is an awesome way to say " I love you" too. Good luck. Hope this helps:)

L.:

I wasn't allowed to have sex until 8 weeks post-pardum.

I am one of the odd-balls and would love sex 5x a day - hubby is fine with whenever, wine and roses, all the romantic stuff! Me?! Honey WELCOME HOME!! LET'S HOP IN THE SACK!!! So I guess for me - I'm weird!

With your schedule and the fact that you have a 7 week old baby - I'd ENJOY a "scheduled" date for sex!! I would say - this is OUR time honey - and make sure you tell him YOUR POINT OF VIEW.

This is NOT about hurting his feelings....this is about scheduling time for the two of you - if that means he'll be helping out with the kids he helped bring into the world - so be it.

I would remind him that the more rest you get - the more sex he is likely to get. Seriously.

I don't think it sounds ridiculous at all. I've read articles where plenty of therapists recommend scheduling sex if you are both super busy. Have you also thought about morning time? Is that possible with your schedules? It may make for less "sleepy" sex;) Maybe even just changing up the time once in awhile would make things more exciting. Or....perhaps give your husband a "happy beginning" (as opposed to the "happy ending") (I hope you get that) :)

Good luck and remember that you are so not alone with this issue.

Wow, very giving compromise!

This is going to sound very "old mom" of me, but before you suggest all this wonderfulness, please make sure you've been cleared by the doc for this sort of fun. Some of us have learned the hard way that there's a reason for this!

Otherwise, I think it's a very reasonable compromise. Do you feel that you will be 'up for it', three evenings in a row? Would you want to make Friday or Saturday a "maybe", just in case? I'm just covering the contingencies I personally would want to have.

But otherwise, no, it's not ridiculous to schedule some intimate time. A planned 'yes' is better than a spontaneous "no".

Ditto to Denise P. Scheduling sometimes is the only way. Your hubs should appreciate that you are trying to make the time with him. And frankly with a 7 week old, 3 days seems overly generous, but whatever works.

I don't see any problem with that- sometimes scheduling such events helps! At least he will know that you are thinking about him and his feelings and trying to make a compromise that will work for both of you.....can't hurt to try right?

It's a perfect idea. Do it! Sometimes things need to get done. If you gave to schedule, so be it. Men don't care how you "do it" so long as you're doing it.

My husband and I schedule in sex 2x a week - 2 specific days.
And he just needs to make sure to help me with the housework. That's our agreement. He does the dishes and laundry everyday without me asking.

There's nothing unromantic about it. We're two happy people getting our needs met. What would be unromantic is two people always bickering about how they're not getting enough sex or help around the house.

Again, it doesn't matter how you go about it, just do it.

I think you need to wait one more week. And scheduled sex is perfectly fine if it works best with your schedule. I have a 3.5 year old and we have sex 2-3x/week - weekends and mid-week. My son doesn't sleep through the night very well - he's potty training and still wakes up; plus we had a massive thunder storm as well as out of state travel over the holidays so his sleep (and therefore, mine) is crappy. I wasn't really into sex at night - WAY too tired, so I made sure we had "afternoon delights" during naptime when my hubby had Christmas vacation - WHAT A DIFFERENCE! I was actually interested!

So talk to your hubby about your schedules, your body, etc. Figure out your energy levels and when you have the most energy and are most interested and work from there. If you have friends/family that can babysit the kiddos so you can have some "we time", whether it's just to grab a coffee, see a movie, or even a "booty call", go for it. The closeness will help the both of you feel better.

Take care!

Yeah, that's a hard one...they never get it enough and so don't get why given the choice, we'd rather just sleep most nights. I would say don't schedule it as in these are definitely the nights because what happens if that night you are exhausted? Just commit in your mind to making it happen once or twice a week and call it day. Don't tell him you're counting it unless you want to, but if he talks around, he'll find most of his buddies aren't getting it all that often either!

Also, try and explain to him why...you have this, that and the other thing going, you are tired, it's nothing to do with him...which is true. Just like other parts of your life changed when you had a baby, this one does too...it's just and adjustment.

Good luck!

I have not read any of the other answers. Yes, it sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. I don't ever feel that you should "schedule sex". In a healthy loving relationship sex is something you share that should be somewhat spontaneous. What you should schedule is some time together.

What you are experiencing is completely normal and what almost all couples I know experience.

This advice is coming from a woman in a 29 year marriage. If I had my way, we would always have had sex everyday. My husband's drive is not as high as mine, but we are affectionate and devoted to each other.

This is a stressful time of your life, you have young children and a lot of obligations so it is no wonder you don't have the energy for sex. But you BOTH should MAKE TIME for affection, hold hands, kiss, touch each other whenever you can (I often come up behind hubby while he is doing dishes and kiss the back of his neck). The most important thing to explain to your partner is that this stressful time is not your entire lives. In the contest of a life long relationship, a few years until your life isn't so demanding, is nothing.

He needs to know you love him and you need to know he supports you. I wouldn't set a "schedule" but I would say "I love having sex with you but I don't have the energy for it on days I don't get any rest." Can you nap when the kids do? Are you expecting too much from you? Ask him if having a clean house is more important than intimacy.

I had to move sex to a higher priority on my list. I cut back our TV time in favor of necking on the couch. I decided that a spotless house wasn't as important as a happy home.

Hope this helps. LL

I would tell him that if he trys those nights he is more likely to succeed. But every so often you should suprise him with a little extra on a surprise night. Some nights my husband knows that it better be quick and mostly up to him too.

If you'd asked me 5 years ago I'd say it was a silly idea.....a few years and one baby later and I think you are a genius!! It might take the some of the 'fun' out because it is scheduled and not spur of the moment so just find other ways to make it 'fun'. It could really be a way for you both to reconnect because you'll put more into making it exciting. Make a game of it! Bring in some props, buy new underwear, whatever!! Just try to make it new again so that you look forward to your 'sex dates'. A girlfriend of mine said that she and her hubby have a 'you do me and I'll do you' game. One night is centered around her husbands pleasure with you doing most of the work. The next night is your turn. Ask for whatever you want and have fun with it!

Kudos to you for making the attempt to schedule something this vital to your husband. It doesn't sound ridiculous to me. It's rather sweet besides if you could try to sneak in some unscheduled sex along the way too, your husband will be a happier man. You may also let him know the things he needs to do to help you get the sleep you need so you can be up to par for the love fest.

Congratulations on everything you have going in your life.

Nope, not ridiculous at all. Good idea. Go for it.

Once you have two kids, scheduled sex is not ridiculous; it's pretty much necessary, especially in order for you to be able to enjoy it too! You might also push back on him insisting on sex so soon after child birth. I was still quite tender when my baby was 7 weeks old, and you don't want to hurt yourself just to accommodate him!

You are a genius and it is sometimes the coolest thing to have scheduled sex dates :) It makes it fun and you get creative and "clean". It is a special time. Everything we do as parents is scheduled and appointment run and that is why things flow. This is a great way to show him that it is important for you to have a healthy sex life as well.

Good for you!! you're a good wife!

Completely agree with Joann C! He will love that you are initiating it and that will make him more likely not to feel rejected on the nights when you are really tired. So glad to hear you are trying to be thoughtful to him...this will lead him to being more thoughtful of you. Congratulations on your new little one! Peace to you, B.

Doesn't sound ridiculous to me at all! Whatever works for you! Gotta hand it to you, I wouldn't be interested in sex whatsoever if I had a new baby, a toddler AND going to school full-time. My hat is off to you! :)

Well you do have tight schedules and it is hard. You can let him know that you just don't want to be too exhausted and that during that time of the week would be better, but that you still want it to be fun and spontaneous. Just don't turn him down, because there may come a day when he isn't reaching for you anymore. You don't just want to be living with a roommate right. When you are exhausted you need to think about how it will relax you and help you sleep better too. I am always in a way better mood the day after sex, just because I slept well. Hope your scheduling works out!