Advice on How to Handle My Mother...

First of all good luck with everything! Second - my mother wanted to come help with both my children and I did breastfeed. However - what was soooo helpful is that she cooked, cleaned and did my laundry. I CANNOT tell you how much that helped. I was a nervous first time mom and literally, none of that would have ever got done if she was not there. I guess it can be an issue if you think she is not a good housekeep, but you may not care as much when you are exhausted! The laundry is key!

This may sound cruel, but...I'd put the hubs on Defense. ;-) If he sees Mom getting too pushy (especially about something as personal as breastfeeding!!), he can maybe take her out for the grocery shopping, etc. It's just an idea - my MIL stayed with us for a month after I had my first baby, and it was a DREAM. Every Grandma is different. How do you handle her when there's NOT a baby involved?

Hi Mara,
I told my mom, who wanted to come right away and stay too, that my husband and I wanted a couple weeks alone together with our new baby. We were first time parents and we wanted to learn, figure things out and create our own way of doing things, without an audience. You both will be tired and may have disagreements that you need to work out together. You won't want a third person watching or putting in her two cents. It's a very personal and special time of bonding for you as a couple and with your baby. Personally, I didn't want to share that with anyone else, and didn't want my mom taking anything away from my husband. (We did let her come to the hospital to visit but she went home from there -7 hour drive). It was her choice. After the two weeks, she came for a week and my husband went back to work. I would do it the same way again.

Other people feel very differently and want all the help they can get right away. If you take the help, be clear that you need help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, walking the dog, etc... and not with baby care. That is for you and your husband in the early weeks. You know yourself best so do what feels right to you and consider what will be most comfortable for your husband. Good Luck!

Wow. For a moment I thought I was reading something I wrote. I was at the same point as you nearly 7 years ago and then all of a sudden my mother died of a heart attack before my daughter was born. I would have given anything and still would to have her nagging, arguing, meddling, know it all advice on motherhood once my baby was born. Yes, we have to do it our way as first time moms but just remember that moms are only trying to help and save us from the mistakes they may have made along the way. Accept it as it is given which is in love and at the same time sit and talk to your mom in an open and non confrontational way. Let her know you are grateful for her help but to allow you to set the ground rules. Enjoy the bonding the three of you will share. And remember this moment as one day your child will grow up and you will be in your mother's shoes. Best of luck.
-L. D

Hi Mara,
Congratulations on soon to becoming a mom. Its the best. Breast feeding is really important so stick to it and it will be so rewarding for you and your baby. I got a breast feeding coach which at first I thought was weird but it helped me alot.
My mom passed away a few years ago and I cherish the memories with her when my baby was young. I feel like time is too short not to let her be part of your amazing experience. When your child is your age I am sure you would feel the same way your mom is feelng and would want to be part of this time. Just tell her the bounderies and that she can help but not to criticise because it makes you not want her there. Let her know that you want her there but not if she makes a mess and you have to clean up after her because that also makes you not want her there however you do want her to help you if she really wants to help you. It is a great time for you and her to bond together too. Babies make everyone closer.
good luck
E.

Congrats on the baby on the way!! I was you, and believe it or not your mother and her advice will be needed. It is not as easy as you think. Take all the help you can get, and try your best to not sweat the small stuff. For instance, with her there, you will be able to take a shower without having a nervous breakdown. You even might get your errands done without lugging a new born out in the winter. Mom can babysit and give you and husband some alone time, which will become almost obsolete without help from someone. She may be everything you say and more, but she is your one and only mom. I believe you will eventually understand what I am saying.
Good Luck
L.

Your mom will only be helpful if she is supporting you the way you need to be supported otherwise she will be dead weight and you will end up stressed. It is always wise for you and your husband to have "family bonding time" in those early days. The importance of this is not stressed enough and having other family members around can often disturb this precious time.

I cannot tell you that the first few weeks are easy but you need to believe that you and your husband have all the skills necessary to parent your child. As for the breastfeeding, it does require commitment and quite a bit of energy at the start. The best advice I can give you to help cope with the early postpartum period is to only concern yourself with baby care and self care. The household chores, shopping, etc. are of little importance. I believe that women who think that they can continue their normal routine with a new baby in the house are the ones who have the hardest time.

Figure out how your mom can be of help and if you do not come up with a good solution, then decline her offer. A short visit every day is a lot better for all of you than a couple of weeks of stressful "support". I was just thinking too that her habits are not going to change to suit your directions (eg., the gross knife!) Maybe you need to focus on what she can do to make the time better for you and assign her specific tasks when she is with you.

Enjoy the journey!

My in-laws and parents do nothing at all to help us. They don't even see there grandchild. So take all the help you can get, even if its a pain. At least she wants to be a part of you and your child. When she leaves, then you can do what you want. I am very hurt we have no support of any kind. so take the help good or bad, b/c I wish I had the opportunity too, take care and good luck.

Hi Mara,
You sound like you are a nervous wreck about your mom coming. That is very sad!!!
Some things depend on how well you recover, what meds. you had to have, and how easy the birth was for you personally. No one can tell you that, and no one can prepare you for that. I suggest you don't confront your mom, it will serve no purpose.
I went to see our son and his wife. She had natural childbirth, and was completelly well, but her mom came and they were very thankful. By the time we could go, she was able to do all the work.
When I had my kids, I was so thankful that my mom was here. With my twins, she was 70 years old, couldn't do much, yet neither could I. Taking care of the twins was all I had time for. We made meals together if I was free because I could not always lift the empty pots never mind full ones. Yes, I did have the C-section, but stuff happens.
My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's shortly after this time. Things were weird that were happening, but they are fond memories to think back on. I am so glad that although she forgot one day to wash the bottles(C-section meds didn't allow me to nurse), we both simply laughed and started again. I am so glad that today with her in heaven, I didn't confront and make her feel badly.
I would trust that it is not going to be near as bad as your fears. She will love that baby, and call it hers, I am so glad my DIL didn't have a fit and confront me over that. Hey you know what my husband's mom was also there, and called that baby hers, no one got upset, because it was. Relax, time will take care of the problem.
God bless you and give you peace.
God bless your new baby with health and a calm spirit.
K.
SAHM married 38 years=== adult children 37, coach & entrepreneur; 32 lawyer, and dad to our only grandchild; and twins 18 after homeschooling they are in college students one majoring in art and the other in journalism.

Mara,
I think that you have to be as upfront as possible now because you don't want to have to deal with your mother after your little one comes home. In fact, if you're concerned now, tell her that you will let her know if you need her and leave it at that. My M-I-L was at my house for two days after my first son was born and I got so annoyed with her and my husband (who thought we needed some help) she ended up crying to him and not speaking to me. That was the last thing I needed when I had a newborn to take care of. Get all the messy stuff out of the way now, then you'll be free to concentrate on the most important ones, you and your baby.
Good Luck!! Do what you think is right; it's just the beginning of a lifetime of important and uncomfortable decisions you will have to make in order to do what's best for you and your family!

If you feel that strongly about it then tell your Mom the truth...."Mom, I love you and I know you think I will need the help but I have my own way of doing things. I do not want your help at that time as I will need to adjust and get into my own routine, my way. We have to many differences in how things should be and I know you being here helping will turn out hard on both of us........but if you turn out to be right, I will call you for that help....thank you for offering and wanting to help...I do appreciate that." If she fusses with your decession, don't allow it to turn into a power struggle...Stop her short and say Mom, you aren't hearing me, I said no, if you want to help, Please respect my feelings and decessions.

But I do tend to think you really need to come to terms with your Mom and how she does things and learn to pick your fights with her. Stick with things that are really important to you.. There will be lots of times she will be in your house playing Grandma....she needs to feel needed and important. She also has a strong force of wanting to control and lead the way so I tend to think your battles should be over her respecting your choices of how you want the baby cared for while things like the buttered knife can be put back in the sink and washed again.
Good luck to you with the birth of your child and with however you decide to deal with Mom...keep us posted on it all.

Hi Mara,
Just skimmed through a lot of the responses so forgive me if any of this repeats. First off--CONGRATS! You have a sound head on your shoulders anticipating the potential difficulties. I am also an only child (formula feed) and our first baby was the first grandchild in 3 families. Go to LeLeche now! Totally worth going before you deliver if there is a meeting before your date. If not get tons of help in the hospital (be a pain to them) and the names of some lactation consultants that will come to your house should you run into problems. Getting off to a good start is so worth it! Even with my second one my mom was shaking her head about BF and saying "wouldnt it be easier to give a bottle." I told her straight out, "I know you do not understand and can not understand my reasons for BFing and I dont expect you to and if you cant support my decision then please keep your thoughts on feeding my child to yourself." It was hard to say as I do respect my mom and I think it was hard for her to hear but she understood my tone, determination and innate need to BF once I laid in on the line.

Does your local hospital have a "grandparent" class? Mine does and it really does go over things like Back to Sleep, no blankets and car seats, all the stuff they didnt worry about "back then'.

As for the help, when my mom came and did laundry (complaining about my steep steps and 2 flight trek to the basement) and cooked (although that included cooking large meals for family dinners and command appearances from me, in my robe, UGH!) End of the day, stuff got done while my nerves were shot. If I had enough money I would have hired someone to do all that so she could just hold the baby and take pictures!

She wasnt very hands on with the baby as she wasnt so great with me but a friend did offer some light on the situation..."she was and for better or worse still is a mom and got you to this point." Also her energy level can bring one down. So I let off a little and just smiled at her complaining and had my hubby bring me a plate to my room instead of hobbling downstairs half dressed and bleeding to eat with my grandfather!

Then my mother in law came. She can barely put a slice of ham between 2 pieces of bread but she has great mental energy and can open her wallet to the deliver man very well! Yes, together both of them could make one perfect grandmother!

With all this being said you do need to establish some rules...like why didnt you ask her why she put a dirty knife away? You didnt say how far away she lives, if daytime only visits are possible. My mom was awful staring at the nursery door at 2am when the baby was crying and wouldnt latch on. WAY TOO MUCH STRESS, since she couldnt help with the BFing.

I know its hard because you do want to share this baby with her so sit down and ask what specifically she wants to do to help and then tell her this is how we do it here. I was (and still am) a control freak but the first few days, weeks and oh years with baby are out the window. As for all the baby stuff you can always blame the pediatrician so you dont feel like the bad one with all the rules. Dont sweat the small stuff but try not to let anything happen that you will regret and write about later on!

Also does your hospital or community have a new moms group. They can provide wonderful opportunities for support and to meet and share war stories with other new moms. Again LeLeche is fabulous!

As for mom...mine did not change much but to see the sheer joy in her face holding her first (and second) grandson is pretty special.

Good luck for an easy labor and gentle delivery.

I was SO in the same place as you (first grandchild and only child myself).

I laid down the ground rules, said NO she couldn't come until 2 weeks after the baby was born. I needed to learn how to be a mother myself without her help. After that initial 2 weeks I would be willing to hear her "advice."

Actually I think what I did was told her 3 weeks and then said once the baby was born I might change my mind. I think she came out about 10 days after I ended up with a c-section. Honestly, she was a help for that simply because I couldn't stand or lift much of anything so I could have her get me a glass of water and stuff.

I think you need to be honest, but also maybe butter her up a little bit. Say something like you need to learn to be a good mother like her, etc. But still, make it sure that if she's not going to support you that you don't want her there.

I just knew that there was no way I would be able to handle a new baby and my mother.

Good luck!

Dear Mara:

I hear you loud and clear. I think one way to approach this sensitive situation is to create a Top 10 Something List. In other words. List 10 things that future grandmas should keep in mind. I am actually working on a few similar lists and will be happy to share it at a future time. However, you know your mother well and you may need to personalize it to meet your and her needs. You need to be consistent and make sure that you clarify all points. Make her a participant in as many planning activities as you can. If there is another grandma, make sure that both of them understand your guidelines. First time grandmas are just as nervous as first time moms. We are our mothers' daughters whether or not we want to accept it. Do not anticipate chaos or disaster and stay positive. Good luck.

G.

My mom passed away two months before my baby was born, so I'd say that as much as you feel you don't want her there, you should let her share in the excitement of your baby's birth. Its an exciting experience for moms and grandmothers alike.

Does she cook? If she does, she can help there -- I had no stamina in the beginning and my boyfriend's mom came over and cooked for us and it was the best thing in the world.

Try to stay out of any arguments. Make your hubby your frontline and have him deal with her if needed. You don't need stress in the beginning, believe me....I had plenty of it, yet I wished I could do without it.

Good luck, and enjoy :)

Hi Mara,
Congrats on the soon-to-be baby.
As for handling mom, she may have her own idea about what "helping" is and it sounds like it's feeding the baby a bottle. I would suggest letting her know that if she's coming to stay at your house, you need to first get home from the hospital and settle in for some intimate getting-to-be-a-
family time with you, baby and husband. Set up a visit for a few weeks after the baby is born. Also, be sure to let her know what help you will be needing and whether she is willing to give that help. If she's envisioning herself feeding the baby bottles and you're envisioning her doing the laundry and taking out the trash and cooking dinner, you need to settle that with her before she comes. Let her know that your time will be breastfeeding and caring for your baby and if she isn't coming to do the things that you need, then you'll need other help at the beginning and grandma to come at a later time.
Also, if there is a hospital by her that offers a grandparents class, I would send her there. She needs to know what is recommended by all medical professionals nowadays, like back sleeping and breastfeeding. Babies in her day may have survived stomach sleeping and formula but it doesn't make them the best choices. She may not know that there's been a 50% reduction in SIDS since the back to bed campaign started. She may not realize that not a single medical professional/expert recommends formula as a better or equal choice to breastmilk.
I would want to establish myself and my confidence as a mother before having her come if she's coming from a distance and not a local coming for the day grandma. Heck, my own mother came for a day after my first was born, the day after I came home from the hospital so when she visited, the baby was less than 48 hours old and she made me absolutely nuts. And she had 5 other grandchildren already.
Good luck!!!

wow are you sure you are an only child? I think we maybe sisters!!!1 LOL my mother was the same way especially when it came to breast feeding. Does she not own a car is that why she doesn't drive? If thats the case let her borrow yours or your husabnds. Right now as hard as it is or however hard you think it is going to be...EXCEPT the help. You and your husband will be sooo exhausted especially you with trying to breastfeed. A feet I thought was sooooo simple until I had to do it!!! Don't be to critical, your baby isn't walking or crawling yet so the "neatfreak" in you can kinda go to the back burner. She can cook some meals, vacum, do the laundry (yes there will be lots)trust me when I say she will be a bigger hep than you might think right now. Especially when you are sop exhausted and need a nap for a little time. And when she starts to over step her boundries, just polietly say thanks mom but _____ & I would like to do it this way. Usually my mom and I can't be in a room together for more than an hour without starting to bicker but she really did help out a lot (as surprising as it was) I wish you the best of luck on your soon to be new bundle of joy!!!

To what Dianna said, I say ditto! The only thing you may want to add is to tell her that you & your husband have decided that the three of you need to bond as a family unit before you start having company come & stay with you for any length of time. You could also say that you are going to be selfish & take in everything about your baby while your husband is home, but when he goes back to work, you will really need her "help". Sometimes parents & relationships can be difficult. And sometimes a brand new baby can change people for the better & make them easier to tolerate! Good luck & enjoy...it is the most amazing experience ever!

I just had my third (my husband's first) and last for both of us. It was a planned c-section however our blessed bundle came 2 wks before the scheduled c-section. Just to give you a little insight - it has been 11 yrs since my last child and I had my doubts about how quickly I would bounce back.

I, like you, am a neat freak. My nesting gene mutated and I cleaned out the entire house at 8 months along. I then did as much planning ahead as I could. Carseat and bag in van w/4 wks to go. I made all the plans ahead of time for my two older children.

I was very fortunate that my husband took the entire first week off. I specifically told my mother that this is a time for my husband and I. My husband is awesome - house was totally cleaned, laundry done, and he even told the dr. I coudldn't be discharged until noon so he had time to run the errands and grocery shop before he picked us up!

Now understand our daughter had jaundice (very common, not a huge deal), but times have changed on how closely they monitor it. Also for some unknow reason my incision got infected and we needed to be at the doctors (either her's or mine) at least 2 sometimes 3 times a week. I still coudn't drive.

Week number 2 brought grandma Sharon (not my mother as thankfully my mother lives in florida, i am in new york). Grandma Sharon (my dad's ex - we are a large blended family and still remain close regardless of my father's choices) was a huge help. Cooked, ran errands, did homework check w/boys, etc. Was awesome having her!!!

Then comes week 3. My mother. Now she purports to want to help, kids, cooking, house, etc. She is a martyr. Honestly I think she carries a cross in her back pocket so she can climb up there and nail herself to it whenever the feeling arises (don't mean to offend anyone)! I am expected to be her ride (45 min each way) to and from the airport. I have not been cleared to drive. My incision is still infected, baby is still be tested for her jaundice levels, need I say more. She arranges a ride last minute. Is only at my home during the week, when it is "too busy, too much going on", because she spends each of the two weekends she is here visiting friends "because it is the only time they are available". Understand my boys are in sports and scouts, we are a normal active american family!

Her first full day at my house I had an appt in town. She did drive and since we were there I decided to try to grocery shop as we have nothing in my house she will eat. She did push the cart and/or carry the baby. I did all the lifting and bending. When we got home she went and sat on the couch and asked me to bring her a cup of tea, I unloaded the van. I swear I am not making this up. So as I am trying to put groceries away because I don't want my husband to come home after working all week, doing the majority of the house and have to put the groceries away - she actually asks me where is her tea? Again I could not make this up!!! She may have cooked one meal, to my knowledge never did any cleaning, laundry, etc. She napped, read her book and visited w/the baby. I did all the normal things, clean the baby, change the baby, dress the baby. Don't get me wrong I thoroughly expected to do these things, but really call me in from the other room where I am doing your breakfast dishes to change a diaper. My point is you know how your mother is, don't expect that to change.

My advice tell her you want the first couple of weeks for you and your husband to bond w/your new bundle and to develop your own routine. Being a first time mom, hormones, etc. can be challenging, you don't need someone there who is going to make it more difficult for you and who openly does not support your decision to breastfeed.

I breastfed both my boys w/ no problems. My much smaller daughter did not eat as much, did not want to get up to eat (sometimes I had to take a babywipe and get her up because she was so small they didn't want her going more than 6 hrs w/o eating), didn't latch on as well and my nipples were so sore that instead of feeding on both sides at each feeding I only fed on one side so the other side had more time i between feedings. Thankfully because I had experience w/my boys I stuck through it. It is so convenient. The "bottles" are always the right temperature and always right there. I am sure you are aware it is better for the baby. She porked right up. She is one month younger than my girlfriend's formula fed baby and already weighs just as much!

Stick w/it! If you are feeling overwhelmed, ask your mother to give you some time to rest. Relax, breath deeply, laydown on your side in your own bed get comfortable, lay your baby next to you and try again.

The best advise I was ever given was....

No matter how tired/frustrated/emotional you are at whatever hour of the morning/afternoon/night it is and you are trying to feed/soothe/change your baby - always remember today is the only day he/she will ever be ____ days/weeks/months/years old. This is the day to cherish that.

I swear to you I have repeated this to myself more times than I can count.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU! REMEMBER THIS IS YOUR TIME WITH YOUR HUSBAND TO BRING YOUR NEW BABY HOME!

Wow did I write this post 3 yrs ago when my son was born? If I heard, "just give him formula" one more time I was going to lose it! Hmm, how to deal with this. I might say, Mom, this is a very special time for me and my husband, I'd love to do some bonding with my child (Aka, please don't send every waking moment in my face). I don't know if she'll get that. How far away does your Mom live? Like, will she be staying with you and not leaving? And her not driving that is tough! It sounds like she will create way more work! If you need to talk to another Momma that has gone through it, feel free to private message me. Talking always helps me!
L.

I have an in-law who is simliar with her "helpful" advic. She went on and on for the first four months of my daghter's life because she was exclusively breast fed. She did come around eventually though(when she was 7 months and saw that I hadn't starved her). My advice is to set boundaries. Say you need two or three weeks alone with you, you new baby and husband so that you can get used to each other and set up your new routine. Don' make it about her. Tell her what you need for you and stay firm. I think its imperative that you do this for yourself-having her around will only add to your stress, especially if you can't send her out on erands. You will need to nap when the baby naps etc for the first few weeks. You wil need some time to get used to the big change that you are about to undergo.
I would also strongly suggest you read
Baby Boot Camp : Surviving the First Six Weeks of Motherhood
Author: Rebecca Ingram Powell
if you can before you deliver. Try amazon they hav used books at great prices sometimes.
But above all Enjoy your new baby! Congratulations!

Wow, sounds like you are going to have your hands full! I would say, if your husband is going to take a few weeks off and be able to stay with you, then don't bring your mom in. I know it sounds a little cruel, but sometimes it works better. When I my daughter was born, my mom wanted to come and stay with us right away (she lives in Europe). However, I didn't let her come until 4 weeks later. Most of all, I wanted to get a handle on breastfeeding without my mother constantly watching me and telling me that i'm doing something wrong or offering to help or whatever or telling me that the baby is crying because she is not eating enough because i don't have enough milk. It's terrible but moms sometimes can add more stress than relief, and unfortuntaely in some cases that can affect your milk supply if you stress too much. As much as I love my mom (and I'm sure you love yours), grandmas often sometimes add more stress than they are helpful.
I would advise that you keep a distance (obviously if she lives near by you should let her visit, but limit the "visiting hours"), at least for the first 2-3 weeks. Once you have gotten over the initial shock of birth and living with a "little person" and you are a more confident breastfeeder (funny word), and you are a little more settled in your new life, then you will find that she may actually be helpful. Despite what many people say, the first 2 weeks after birth are not the most difficult ones, it's what comes after that.
whatever you decide to do, don't let it affect your decision to breastfeed! It's the best thing for both the baby and your recovering body, and it's at least a 1,000 times easier than formula feeding! (although at some point you may want to pump just to let someone else experience the joy of feeding a newborn). hope this helps! Good luck!

Yikes--you sound like me when I was pregnant with my first, so I can really relate! The first thing I can say is to follow your instincts because they're usually right! I did not want my mom here for the baby's birth for many of the same, and some other, reasons. What I told her was that my husband was getting a week off work, and would not only be there to help out that first week, but that he and I needed and wanted a chance to bond with the baby as a family. This wasn't untrue, but this is what I told her because I thought it would be the easiest thing for her to hear. I did tell her that I would really need her, and others, but that it made the most sense for her to come and help once my husband went back to work. So she didn't come out to visit until the baby was a week old--she still ocassionally makes comments to this day, so I think she was hurt by it, but you're the mom now, and you have to do what's right for you, your baby, and your family.

I will add that my mom was a former la leche league leader, so I didn't have any fears that she would try to undermine breastfeeding. BUT, my mother-in-law came to visit when my son was three weeks old, and she never breastfed, and doesn't really support it. Her attitude, combined with my hormones, were not a good match. We didn't fight, but I felt like a fierce mother bear--she always wanted to hold my baby, thought she was helping out by trying to "soothe" him and try to shove a pacifier in his mouth even when he refused. When I wanted to nurse, she would reply that he couldn't possibly be hungry--he just ate two hours ago. I felt that whatever it was--her attitude, her lack of knowledge, her wanting to calm the baby so I could "rest" (yeah right--like a new mother can stay calm when her baby is screaming, someone else is holding him, refusing to hand him over, and her milk is letting down!), all served to undermine my breastfeeding, bonding, and new mothering efforts. Everyone is different, and I'm not suggesting you will have problems with breastfeeding and your mother. I just want you to know that you should trust your gut, and protect your new family's space. There will be plenty of time for your mom to bond with your baby after you get settled in as a family and breastfeeding is established, and you feel more confident in your mothering. Good luck and congrats!

Congratulations on the pending arrival of your child! I remember it well; almost 15 years later. We have similar mothers (except that mine is the neat-freak); so I have two bits of advice to offer from experience. First, set the parameters - whether she is coming to be grandma or to help. You can then talk with her about guidelines; picking up after herself, etc. The second piece of advice I can give is that if she is not supportive of your decision to breastfeed - hold off on her visit until the second or third week after you are home from the hospital. I had trouble with the process at the beginning and my mother (who didn't want me to nurse) "helped" by giving my daughter formula because she was afraid she wasn't eating enough. We came very close to a real falling out. I suggest that you give yourself time to work out any kinks, get a bit of a schedule going and get rested before having the help. I wish you the best with your new baby - congratulations!

I had similar issues minus the messiness factor, but enough the same as what you describe. You have a good opportunity to allow another love for your child and seem aware of that already. But the other positive side is that you also have another pair of hands and arms for your baby when you will really really need it.
Your baby may not want to be left alone while you use the bathroom, take a shower or use a breast pump (if anyone else can help at night it will be with pumped milk - dont' overlook that). The ability to care for yourself will be physically impaired while you care for your child, yet the need will increase. Everything people say about it being 'extremely difficult yet beautiful,etc' is correct. Find the best way to leverage everyone's help and imagine if they were not there how much you'd have to do.
Can she cook? you'll need to eat very often - let her prepare or at least fetch food for you.

Lastly, let your husband and other friends know what rules you have for your baby (no sleeping on stomach, breast feeding importance) and let them do the arguing or countering with your mom. She can hear the viewpoint without you arguing. This means more people have to be there, but if you have good friends, they'll want to be there anyway.
Best of luck If you can navigate this with your mom, you've set a pattern for the rest of your time together.

Great advice so far, here are some other things to consider; don't have her come right away. Take a week or two by yourselves to get settled in. If you are worried about needing help. I highly recommend hiring a postpartum doula if you can. Go to dona.org to find doulas in your state. Go to a La Leche League meeting now BEFORE you have your baby. You can learn some pointers there and meet lactation consultants that you can contact should you have issues after birth. If your mother is a terrible housekeeper, don't have her clean. Tell her that the most helpful thing she can do is hold the baby while you take a shower, take a nap, tidy up yourself etc. (that's probably what she wants to do anyway). Have your husband referee if necessary.

Mara--How is a nondriving, poor housekeeper, overbearing mother going to 'help'? I am a mother of adult children and I would NEVER announce that I was going to come to stay with them unless specifically requested to do so. This is a time for you and your husband to bond with this baby, get your parenting feet under you, and have your own time together. If your mother can't understand/accept that, it's her problem, not yours. It would be better to set the ground rules now rather than later, and sadly, you may have to hurt her feelings a bit, if that's what it takes to make the point. It's unfortunate, believe me, she has her own feelings in the forefront at a time when yours should be. Good luck.

Mara,

Congratulations on your new baby. My situation was much less intense than yours is but here is what helped me out. I realized that family members were taking the decisions I made about raising my child personally. For example, when I told them I had decided to feed my child a vegetarian, organic diet I was told, "Well my kids ate hot dogs and drank kool aid and they lived." I responded by saying that I wanted to aim higher than just keeping the kid alive. That didn't go over too well, but when I realized what their issue was, I said that in the 70's when this person was raising her kids, a lot of the information we have today wasn't available and parents have always done what they thought was best for their kids. Now some of the information we have is confusing, but most has decades of scientific research behind it.

Things like back to sleep, and not feeding children solids until they are at least 6 months, and breastfeeding vs formula.

Good luck with handling your mom, I hope you have a very positive and wonderful experience whatever you decide.

R.

First off- Congratulations on your new baby! That is so exciting. I am a first time mom of twin boys who will be 2 in a couple of weeks (it went by so fast!)and I remember what it was like to take them home for the 1st time. I had a lot of help from the grandparents also and I truly thanked God for that. I did not breastfeed, but had 2 newborns to care for- which was double the work and i was overwhelmed. Now if your husband will be around for those fist weeks of your baby's life to help you - that is great. After he goes back to work, you will probably want to have your mom there. Even if your mom watches the baby for the interim between feedings (since you plan to nurse)- that would be a huge help and let YOU rest - cause you are really going to need it. If your mom is a slob, than that needs to be addressed, but all that stuff (in my opinion) is small potatoes in the whole grand scheme of things... your main thing is meeting your baby's needs(which can be a lot).
Also, I don't know what your birthing experience is going to be, but I had a C-section and the recovery from that was harder than I thought- and any added support at home was not only appreciated, but necessary for my healing and recovery.
Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy! I'm sure you are going to LOVE being a mom... it's the best ever! :)

Oh do I understand where you are!

My mother wanted to be at the hospital and come to our house after the birth to "help". We are complete opposites and she has a tendency to make me crazy even in the best of times. She carries a gun, spanks her other grandchildren, isn't particularly hygenic, etc.

I told her that we needed our space and that she could come visit (but needed to stay in a hotel) after we were settled in. She was upset, but what I realized was that as much as she pouted (and oh did she pout) it's now all about our family.

Good luck, it sounds like you know what is best for your family. It's going to be a tough conversation, but don't let her make you feel bad.

Honesty is the best policy. Get it all out in the open, and clear the air, in a nice way of course. Better set down the guidelines right now at the beginning, so there are no misunderstandings later. Tactfully and with sensitivity address your issues with your mother, while at the same time acknowledging and thanking her for wanting to be of help, adding that as soon as you feel the need, you will contact her about taking up her kind offer...(which of course may, or may not, ever happen.)

Hi Mara,
As a Grandma of 7 and one on the way here's my opinion and story. My first grandchild was 15 years ago by my second born daughter. This daughter is the one who thought I did everything wrong in bringing her up, that would change as years went on . I was in the deliveryroom when my first grandson was born so that was a privalidge that she allowed me but the weeks afterward were different. During one of my first visits when I tried to assist her with changing a diaper she blatently told me he was her child and she'll do it her way and didn't need any of my help or suggestions. I was very hurt and from then on decided to respect her wishes and told her if she needed my help to just ask. Regardless of whether you think she's right or wrong , please choose your words carefully, she really just wants to help.
Invite her over during times when your not bathing the baby and if she's there when your breast feeding do it in private and let her know that you prefer to do it in private. Having negative vibes around you can make this bonding experience very stressful. Give her a specific times to come over. She shouldn't pop in whenever she chooses. Start now in telling her you'll have a schedule for visitors. You need private time for you,dad & baby. Find things ahead of time that she can do to help you and let her know you really need her help with these things. Make a list. Having my family help with Laundry,vaccuming ,dusting,dishes or anything for that matter was a great help. If it didn't get done under my standards it was no big deal for the time being. The fact that it was less I had to do was fine with me. Ask yourself ,"Whats's the worst that could happen?" Believe me unless your supper woman you will need the extra hands.
Things have changed since my children were born. We did put baby's on their tummy's but the medical field at that time were not aware of "Infant Death Syndrome" being the result of placing baby's in their crib to sleep on their stomach .Sure baby's died from this but research into the theory part of it was not made public.Or how about putting rubbing alcohol on your child to bring a fever down. It worked for sure but the facts were not out that by doing that It's like giving your baby a shot of pure alcohol and baby asprin was the cure all for everything from fevers to teething pain. Mom may even say to you that it worked for you and your still here. May I suggest you go to the bookstore and look for a gift for her, a book for New Grandma's or Modern Day Grandma's, something along that line. Wouldn't that be a gentle way to ease her into this new experience and a great way to say thankyou for wanting to help.

Good luck to you
J.

First, Congratulations, very exciting.

Second, yikes. As you note you'll be exhausted and emotional, you do not need any added stress. Is it possible to invite your mother to come a week after the baby's born--and then only for a specified amount of time? You'll by then know what you need the most help with: Grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, and so on.

I know you don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's obvious you're already worried about it, and at this stage in the game it's about you, your baby and your husband.

Good luck!

I would tell her that since it's your first baby, you and hubby really want some privacy and bonding time with the baby for the first few weeks. Maybe say something like, we appreciate your offer to help but we are going to try it on our own, when we have a second child we'll really need your with (first child). I really think you don't need help in the beginning, especially if it is only one baby. It's exhausting but not that hard. Plus yo have hubby around. Just be firm with your mom before hand. Good luck!

Mara, my heart and prayers go out to you. Sounds like your mom and my mom couldn't be more alike! Scary. I was lucky. My mother was stuck in another state when I had my daughter, lol. Had she been in NY with me, I woulda slit my wrist. Seriously. Had she been with me, this is what I think I would've done. Cried (from frustration) and asked her to please let me find my way around my new situation. She would've taken that as my telling her to go to heck...cos that's how she is. I'd then have to tell her that I still love and need her, but I just need a little more space and less criticism and judgment.

If you go that route, I hope it works for you. Good luck and God bless you and your family!

Does your mom live far away, and that is why she "needs" to stay with you? Honestly, I did not want anyone in my home when I brought either of my children home. Can you say "nicely" that you and your husband have decided that you want to bond as a family alone, but that she is more than welcome to visit for a few hours each day? I would try to get out of it even if you hadn't described how you think your mom is going to be. I had c-sections with both of my kids, and I really didn't need any help whatsoever...I think she is just going to stress you out and make you feel like you are incapable of taking care of your baby the right way...the right way is however you and your husband decide!! If you decide to let her come and stay with you, then I definitely would set the ground rules now rather than later...it will turn into a blow out if you wait. Best of luck to you! I wish you a happy and healthy baby and a short and painless delivery =0)!!

Hi Mara! This is not an easy situation to deal with. Luckily, you do have a mom who wants to be involved! I think your best bet is to be honest, letting her know how great it is that she wants to help, but that you are worried about being a first time mom and really want it to be a time for you and your husband to get to know this baby and yourselves as parents. If she lives close enough, suggest day visits to be arranged at a later time. If she is far away, suggest that she come to stay after you have been settled for a few weeks and have established a routine. This will make her helping you a lot easier if you both know what the baby will be doing etc. Worse case, if she is insistant... stand your ground now so that later with the hormones and lack of sleep you are not fighting an uphill battle!! Best of luck & congratulations!!

Hi Mara, First of all Congrats on your becoming a mom. As a mom of 5 and grandmother of 3 I can say that I waited to be asked. I also nursed and no one can really help in that area. New babies are not that difficult. They mostly sleep. Maybe you can say that you and the dad want to try it alone for a few days. Certainly she will come to see the baby but you will have a handle on the situation. I do not know your mom and I'm sure she is excited but I know that I did not want any confusion or extra paople around. She has to respect your wishes. I'll pray that she takes it well and I look forward to reading the other mom's responses. Grandma Mary

I would tell her not to stay over in the nicest way possible. It's pretty stressful in the beginning and i would say to try to avoid additional stress when possible. Maybe you could say that you and your husband/boyfriend/or just you need some time to settle in and get adjusted. If you have a partner, you couls say that they prefer it's just the two of you and that if she came then his mom would have to come too...
What i would recommend is having the number/s of lactation specialists on hand because for a first time breastfeeder it can be tricky and they can really help, they can do just a phone call or an actual visit. My mom came and stayed with me, but it was different. She did errands, cleaned up and was fine when i snapped to leave me alone when i was trying to breastfeed. My mother in law would be a different story.

Dear Mara,

I agree with what Dianna said completely. I remember being scared to death when the nurses put my baby into my arms as we were leaving the hospital. My mom stayed with us for the first few nights and my husband and I welcomed the experience and knowledge that she had to offer. Like Diana said she was an extra pair of hands to help out and did not stop me or my husband from bonding with our baby. She is a great grandmother and this was such a precious time for her as well, to help her child with her new baby. It sounds more like you do not want your mom around period!! and this has nothing to do with the new baby. If your relationship is this rocky, add sleep deprivation, nerves, and loss of patience this could be a recipe for disaster. I would be kind and do as Dianna suggested have her wait until you are more settled so you do not hurt her feelings. Good luck on your baby!!

My husband and I told everyone we wanted the first two weeks to ourselves so we could get the hang of being new parents. We wanted to walk around in our robes and not have to worry about the house for visitors. Your mom can come see the baby at the hospital if you like and then after you have developed a routine in a few weeks, allow visitors. My family understood and it worked out great because I had a c-section and I wasn't up for "helpful" visitors anyway. The baby will STILL be a newborn after two weeks, we would say and that also seemed to help.
Now that I see that doing housework comes harder than it used to before the baby, I receive help a lot easier. Some is better than none. Find your moms strengths and try to use them. Really focus on what she is good at. Is it cooking? Maybe she could bring over some meals for you guys.
As far as nursing goes, what helped me was when the nurse told me that the babies can't choke on your milk..it just gets absorbed back into their body. Nursing was painful for me in the beginning but if you hang in there, it does get easier. Now I am having a hard time weaning him! :) Maybe you can show your mom all the benefits to nursing to help her understand. I tell my mom, you had me 35 years ago. A lot has changed and a lot of new discoveries have been made. Moms are going to have their advice. Just take it or leave it and but your baby to sleep on its back. :) Best wishes!

Hi Mara,
I agree with the other moms who said that you can tell your mom that you will need her "help" when your husband goes back to work. I had the same concerns, and really wanted the time with just my husband and new baby. Once he went back to work it was nice to have the company, and it was easier to ignore the buttered knives in the drawer (been there!). I also then felt better about being very strong in my convictions of how me and my husband wanted to raise our child. (I had to tell my mother that I was now the parent and she needed to respect my wishes about breast feeding, pacifiers and sleeping positions.

Good luck with your decision. Whatever you decide, don't let anyone get in the way of the joy of your new family.

Hold your ground! You are absolutely right for breastfeeding & already have many great maternal instincts--don't doubt yourself! If you have an argument with your Mom, let it happen & then let it go--she won't stay mad because she will want to be near her grandchild.

...and just clean all your silverware after she leaves. Or have a service come in & do the whole house after her visit! ;)

Hi Mara,

First, I'd like to congratulate you on your new bundle of joy that you'll be holding very soon. It's a great experience. Cherish it, as they days turn into years very quickly. I have three children, and I could swear you were telling my story---with each of my children. My mother is just like yours--doesn't drive, argumentative, and haphazard with the dishes. I will tell you that you will need the extra hands, especially if hubby can't get time off. But like other moms have suggested, you have to set boundaries. I suggest you and hubby sit mom down, so it doesn't seem like it's all coming from you. Map out what you will appreciate her help with, and that you and hubby need those first few weeks to bond with the baby in your own way. I can't tell you how crucial it is to do this. I didn't because I wanted to spare her feelings. Even now that the kids are 9, 7 and 4, I resent her overstepping her boundaries, and it's even harder now to get her on track with the way we do things. Seize the moment, and make sure hubby is with you when you have "the discussion". Good luck and best wishes for a healty, happy baby.

Yeah and congrats on being pregnant! I have 2 children 14 and 12. It is hard at first, and your mom only wants to help you because she has been down this road before. This is your first time. You will find that as the years go on, your mom usually ends up right in alot of ways, even tho we dont want to agree with that. It happens all the same. Suggestions I have for you, be patient with her, ever so nicely say, oh look mom, how did this get in the drawer this silverware is still dirty. If those kind on comments do not change some of the dirty dishes issues, you will need to just let her do her things and when she goes home, you need to redo them. Save fighting and hurting her feelings. I just had Thankgiving Dinner, my Mom always help and I could never do it without her. But I have to pull things out o fthe cupboards that she has hand washed and rewash them because they still need to be cleaned. It has been that way for years!! I have just resigned myself to the fact that I have to do it this way, its more work for me, but she feels like she is helping and I am not hurting her by not letting her help. There are going to be things you want to do your way, and she wont like that, but gently say I tried it your way mom, now I want to try it mine, and explain that every baby is different and your baby liked your ways for certain things better. But believe me, moms have very important things to teach us for becomeing a mom, we may not like or agree with them all, but some will be right on the money. I am 44 years old and have been a mom for 14 years, and sometimes my mom turns out right and I am still wrong! It happens we learn from our mistakes and from our parents. Let her enjoy the baby, but at the same time you need to enjoy the fact that she gets that time with the baby. It could be worse, that is another thing I tell myself, I am greatful my children have both their Grandmothers stilll here, Their Grandfathers unfortunately passed while they were very young. Treasure these moments, beleive me, the time will come whe you say "Holy Smoley I sound like my mother!!!"

Hi, I know how you feel. I felt the same way. My son is now one year old. Last year, my parents, specially my mom, really want to come to help. In my case my parents were coming from Brazil, they don't speak English, they don't drive, and we were living in a very small one bedroom house! My mom never said it to me, but she complained to my sister and other relatives that she was upset and worried about me, how would I be able to do everything alone, etc... Well, I have a very wonderful husband, and from the moment that I knew I was pregnant I decided that I would not want anyone around for the baby birth and for the first few weeks. My feeling is that it is a very special moment and I wanted privacy and time to bond with my son without anyone around, giving opinions and telling me what to do. I had a few friends and my husband parents that came for very short visits and that was it. I allowed my parents to come only when the baby was already a month old and we had a good routine. I think it worked out very well. My husband and I had time to get used to the changes in our lives, and when my parents came I was happy and thankful for their help because that meant free time for me to take care of myself, and get out of the house a little bit.
I don't know if this information is useful. I think you should think exactly about what you want and just tell your mom, and hope she will understand and respect your wishes.
If you have any questions, you can write me and I will give you more details about this first year as a new mom. I am sure you will do very well with breastfeeding.
Best wishes,
C..

Oh boy, what a tough one. To be perfectly honest: from what you have described, in your position I think I would be tempted to ask her to come for a day or two when the child is a week old. You need time to adjust to one of the most difficult situations you will ever face, and it sounds like she will be a hindrance rather than a help. She is not going to change overnight, so try to find a kind way of asking her to back off for a while.

Wow this is a hard one. I dont know how long you've been married or what your husband's relationship is with your mom, its time to establish some boundaries. How far away does she live? Perhaps tell her to visit you in the hospital and even watch the birth if you are comfortable with that. Then tell her you want to be alone with your baby for a month. That your husband will be all the help you need. Invite her to come for the baby's first month birthday for a few days. By then you will have your routine and be more confident. The baby will also be cuter. <smile>

I am 3 weeks and counting too........ but this will be my 3rd.

I know it is a tough situation to be in and you have to worry only about your new family. My mom wanted to come for my first baby..... December 17th.......... to be in the delivery room. I told her flat out NO .......... she cried trying to make me feel bad but just stick to your guns in a nice way and it will work out. Remind her you do not know when you will go into labor and there are just too many unknowns right now and that it would be better if she could just wait until you get settled into a routine. You will have plenty of doctors appointment in the beginning and just learning what your new baby is trying to communicate is enough without walking on egg shells..... not to mention the whole breast feeding thing. My mom could not take it any longer and came the day after Christmas...... it was so stressful. Your recovery and new baby are the most important people in this equation and you really just have to stand up and most importantly not let anyone make you feel bad for the decisions you are making for you and your family. Take plenty of photos and get them right to her either via email or right from an online source so she has hard copies to pass around. You will do fine and you just have to remember that your husband and new baby will need all of you.

Many women have problems adjusting to breastfeeding ...... do not let it get you down ....... you can pm me for support if you need it. Sometimes doctors will tell you that you have to supplement with formula........ remember NO ONE knows your baby better then you and if you feel like he/she is getting enough then that is the truth. Do not let someone with a MD behind their name scare you into formula..... it happened to me but I did not fold and I left that practice!!!

You have to take care of yourself...... if you have some time make some soups and sauce to put in your freezer so you have options when you come home unless you are married to somone who cooks......... my husband could probably get buy but I am making soups now so him and kiddies have food while we get number 3 under control.

This is your time..... do not let it be taken away from you!!!!

Hi Mara,
I can only add that La Leche League helped me and I would hope that you would contact them NOW and maybe find a friend there to support you in your decisions.
I wish you the very easiest delivery and the healthiest baby ever.
L.

Well, I'm sure hubby is taking a couple weeks off to help you in the beginning anyway. If not, you may want to arrange that anyway. Explain to your mom that hubby is going to be home and it may be a better idea to come once your settled. Those first few weeks are very hectic and confusing. Your dealing with this alien that doesn't come with an instruction manuel. That seems to be either attached to your chest or spewing things out one end or the other. You don't have any time to do anything other then nurse and eat...and nurse and eat...and to top it all off your so exhausted and you can't think straight. Now that I have scared the hell out of you...I would explain to her that you want to spend this time getting to know your newborn and just make it through the holidays (which are crazy enough without a newborn). Tell her it would be great if she would come after New Years. Because this is when you will be more settled. And tell her that that is when you will really need her help. Tell her that "hubby is going back to work after the New Year and I will be all alone. That is when I will truly need you "help". This way she still feels needed. Your going to be more in tune with what your child needs, and be ahead of the game rather then being in desperation and taking her advice because you are willing do anything at this point. Plus breastfeeding will be pretty well established at this point. And believe it or not, just being there to hold the baby helps tons. Because there are lots of times as a new mom all I wanted to do was take a shower and there was no one there to help me. Even going to the bathroom becomse a luxury to a new mom, so even if she's just there to hold the baby so you can have some normalcy it helps.
P.S. congrads and just get to know this new baby. This is the most amazing point in your life. Remember it, it goes by fast.

Hi Mara -- I felt the same way you did 2 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child. Now that I have 2 children, I firmly believe that you will need the first month to figure your new baby out. Too many people around, no matter how good their intentions, will not help you slowly establish your routine. After you've kind of figured out this new baby, then you will (believe me) welcome help from your family. You'll be so tired that your mom just coming over and watching the baby while you take a quick nap, will be welome. Break it to her gently but firmly. Take a stand. It is your right as a new member of the motherhood club. It'll be the first of many times when you will be taking a stand to protect your baby and yourself. Your mom might grump a bit but if you propose that her help will be better suited for a few weeks after the baby is born, she might concede. good luck! P.S. My mom also made assorted unhelpful comments on how breastfeeding won't help. Only you can make that call when you learn about your baby. Whatever you decide will work so don't listen to those types of comments.

Sometimes it is easier to have some time to yourself before visitors come. I hope your mom understands.

Mara,

I am a first time breastfeeding Mom in my family (and I may be the only one at this point). I learned a lot the hard way.

Only you know your Mom, and what she can and cannot actually put into practice. A lifetime of bad habits is not going to magically go away because you have a baby. Sitting your Mom down and explaining things JUST THE WAY YOU DID IN YOUR POST will likely help a lot. A checklist of things you need to accomplish before and after the birth would be a good idea too.

You're going to be tired, whether you go natural or C. You are going to be exhausted the first few days out of the hospital. Just be READY for that. You might, on the other hand, be like my sister-in-law who declined pain meds and was able to handle her toddler and 2nd c-baby within a week.

Have your Mom help by making Four (4) balanced meals a day. No cooking for you. Avoid the cruciferous (broccoli, cauliflower, artichokes, etc) family, and avoid onions and garlic, for the 1st 2 weeks at least. This won't guarantee smooth sailing, but it might help. Avoid MILK in the same way, or if you are addicted like me, drink it ONLY in the AM (so the gas is not during YOUR night time).

These things might not bother your infant, but there's a good chance they might. If you avoid them while s/he's adjusting to life on the outside the first couple of weeks, there's a good chance you might introduce them sooner than later.

BTW, it is HARD to prepare something avoiding onions and garlic that is Italian food. :) Pre-prepared foods are not a good idea, but some people think they make life easier. They may not make your life easier when you are nursing.

When you go out, plan to nurse in your vehicle, just after you shut it off. You can usually wake the little one with just a sniff of breastmilk. :) Nursing before you go into the store helps A LOT.

Some people don't see that bathrooms are made for one thing, and one thing only. Feeding a child in there is not one of them. Don't let someone bully or cajole you into it. Babies R Us is the only establishment I know of that has a Mother's room for nursing. You might take the time now to call your favorite stores to find out if they have a separate lounge or nursing room. (I'm not sure where you are).

Reading a little further, it sounds like you are going to have your hands full, and best to get the air cleared before your Mom arrives as to what will or won't happen. She's going to be able to do laundry, I think, and THAT will truly be a blessing, because you are bringing home a little one that is going to go through so many outfits and accessories in a day, that if you didn't do laundry daily, you'd run out quickly.

Best bet for laundry, if she isn't on a schedule, is have a checklist for her of things that ABSOLUTELY have to get done for you to function with your little one. Top of it should be: start a load of laundry in the AM, and get it in the dryer ASAP. Folding is always optional. (I requested that my husband STOP folding bc I was always rifling through everything to find what I needed and messed it up anyway).

ROT (Rule of thumb): Cold wash, gentle or delicate cycle for ALL baby clothes. Hot wash will destroy things a lot sooner. Unless your baby has suddenly become a lot older and you are forced to feed him solid food from the get-go, clothes (and cloth diapers) when you are solely breastfeeding are a WHIZ to clean. :)

Dr. Sears and his wife have a book, The Baby Book, and they subscribe to the life you are looking at: breastfeeding, no bottle, no crying it out, etc.

Another ROT: as the dishes are dirtied, rinse them and put them in the dishwasher (or just rinse them and stack them if there is no dishwasher).

Grocery shopping - can she carry groceries? Stock up BEFORE you go to the hospital then. Eggs three, bacon for three (you get the idea).

There is so much more to say, and my son is waking, so I have to go. I think you have a good start on what to do with what everyone else said, and while excitement about a baby is one thing, you need your baby to get the care you and your husband intend for him/her.

And if it helps any, you at least thought to ask before the arrival. I didn't have that luxury, and didn't think I would encounter the resistance I have with my family.

Good luck and congratulations, and DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!

M.

Mara,
Seems to me that you already know the right answer!

Thank your Mom profusely for her very generous offer to help. Then tell her you've decided that you'd really like to have the first few days/week alone to bond with your child. Set a date for when you'd love to have her come over.

New motherhood is a beautiful experience... but you need time to get to know your baby and build your confidence as a mother. If you already feel that your Mom will be more of a hindrance than a help -- go with that instinct! Say NO (nicely)! And stick to it!

Good luck!
I'm sure you'll do great!

L.
Mom of 3

As a 3 time grandmother myself, I know what your mom is thinking. And as a neat freak I cring to read about the knife. You need to explain that you want and need (for your family) to spend the first few weeks alone. Allowing you to become effiecient with breast feedeing ect. tell her that after the innitial few wee4ks, you would love to have her visit. (this will allow you to deal with the mommy issues of your own before having to deal with hers.) Also this will allow you to skip the conversation about her cleaning habits.
My mothers answer about her cleaning habits (she has a butcher block in the middle of her kitchen that she uses daily. for everything... and thinks its ok to roll out cookies or pies on this same buthcherblock. Her pie shells look speckled..gross) Her answer was...Well it cant be that bad. Your still alive. (she was very neat and clean when I grew up. This all happened after retirment.) Now our deal is I dont say anything, but I also have all family dinners at my house..

Hi Mara-

Maybe, given all your reservations, maybe having Grandma visit is not the best option.

Maybe you could tell her that you will visit for a very short time when the baby is first born/on your way home from the hospital. You should be able to leave quickly by telling her you want to get the baby home and use to sleeping in its bassinet/new surroundings as soon as possible.

Then, you could tell Grandma that you will call her after the family settles in. Let her know that this may be an indeterminate amount of time and that you will need to "play it by ear". Let her know that you plan on getting as much sleep when baby is so you may be hard to get in touch with on a daily basis. Of course, you and/or your husband should make the effort to call her every two days or so and even drop a note or photo in the mail. Topics should be kept light where criticism can be avoided - i.e. the baby cooed today, smiled, was up for x minutes, etc. If she cooks, maybe you could tell her that you could really use a few freezer meals "for two" so that you don't have to cook every night. Let her know that this is the one of the best and easiest ways to help you out.

I was able to keep several relatives at bay in this manner because as you say they would have been more like guests and less like assistance. After about 4 to 6 weeks, I started inviting the least guest-like relatives till I got to those that I knew I needed to "care" for and I felt stabilized (if there is such a thing with a new family member!!! LOL!!)

The worst you could do is lie to her, even a white lie at this time. Emotions run high and the truth is always easier.

Best of luck.
~C.