Advice Needed for New Relationship

Wow, do I know where you are coming from. I'd been seeing a man for 2 months when my 5yr old told him that he should marry her mommy. I about fell over, but he handled it well. However, this did scare him a bit. Not that she said it, but because he realized he wanted to, and is the type to be scared by his own feelings. Instead of talking to him about it.. I talked to her. I explained to her that although we see a lot of eachother, and he is mommy's boyfriend, we aren't hurrying into anything. He might be around for a long time but that doesn't mean we might / might not get married. She needs to learn what to and not to say.

Anyway, being a single mom and dating is NOT easy. But good luck!!

I agree with the person who said you should not have someone around your children until you know it is going to lead somewhere. Also, if you have told anyone that you hope that your kids don't scare him away where they may have been able to hear you, you need to make sure you emphasize to them if the relationship does end, that it is NOT their fault. It's not fair to put the burden on children when things don't work out with adults! You definitely need to talk to him and find out his feelings about what your kids have been saying. If he has a problem understanding what they are feeling then he's the one with the problem but, how will you know if you don't talk to him about it? Good luck!

Hi T.,

As a divorced mom who met someone wonderful, my son too always made the comment about my husband when were we getting married? Why hasn't he asked you marry him. My son was 11 at the time. I kept explaining to him I wasn't ready. My son knew that he (my husband) wasn't going to replace his dad, I would not let that happen. When the day came that my husband and I did move forward and we moved in after we got engaged, hell broke out. My son resented the time to share me with him. Be glad that your children like him, but also make it clear that he is not their dad but someone you are interested in. Don't get pressure by the kids or the loneliness. Talk to him and ask him how he feels about the kids eagerness. He may not want to hurt you, but when the time comes, if the time comes that you too get serious, it isn't just you who has to be affected but you children. With any new relationship the kids are happy as long as they get attention by that person, when he begins to discipline them, their attitude will change, believe me it will. Take your time, enjoy your kids and your time with him. Get to really know each other. Good luck to you and the kids. Keep striding to get your education. I did it when I got divorce and now am working on getting my master's degree, you can do it,just keep your goals in focus.

If the relationship is going to work, you need to get use to talking about these types of things. I think the answer is to discuss it with him, not his kids. Let him know where you are in the relationship and that you are worried that his kids comments are bothering him. I am sure that he would be open to that conversation and would be relieved that the comments are coming just from the kids and that they are not repeating things that you have been saying to them.

I have a friend who has been a single mom for 11 years, and she has been in this type of situation several times. The problem is that she likes to jump into a relationship really fast, have the boyfriend around all the time, and so her son gets attached. Then when things fall apart, her son is crushed. My advice to her is always, keep your relationship away from your son until you know it's going somewhere. Give it some time so he doesn't get attached, and think he's getting a new dad, when that may not happen. Kids don't understand the complexities of adult relationships. Your kids see that you're happy, and they want you to stay happy. I think cooling things off for awhile is a good idea, see him only on weekends, don't have him stay overnight, etc. Also, talk to your kids about their comments, tell them to slow down. Let them know that marriage is not something you will rush into.

The other thing I have to say is this--if this man gets "scared away" by your kids, then he is not the right one for you. The right man will fall in love with your kids because they are yours.

It sounds like all 4 of you (you, ur new b/f, and your 2 oldest kids) need to sit down and have a conversation about how your just not ready for the next step yet. But I dont think that completely taking your kids away from this guy is your answer. If your hoping for this to go somewhere, its good for your kids to be around this guy. But I really think the whole talk thing would be a good idea.

I went through something similar, and am happy to say we will be married 5 yrs in January. I had 2 children, 1 mine and 1 I was adopting at the time, then ages 8 and 1. My 8 yr old was doing the same things. She loved him and wanted a daddy so bad and just got a little over excited about the whole aspect. (her father only calls once or twice a year if she's lucky, so needed a DAD and got a little over excited)
I'm not sure how comfortable you are with him yet, but I clicked with my husband immediately, and I just talked to him about it. I let him no that in no way what they said had any bearing on our relationship and how fast or slow WE wanted to take things. I let him know that he had my blessings to correct her and let her know that for now she needed to call him by his name and let's wait a while to talk about the other stuff. She took it better from him, and agreed to his terms. The day we got married was when he said "ok, now I'm daddy" and she was allowed to call him that from then on.
Tell him you have talked the them and they don't quite understand how it might make him feel and not to read too much into it, they are just kids. I'm sure he will understand.

Good Luck!!!!

I certainly do not agree that children should be introduced to a new person whether it is someone their dad is seeing or you as their mom. The reason is, children long to have a "family" unit and it's not fair for us to ask them to control how they feel and not express it when we have forced it on them by bringing someone in the picture. I believe in a situation where parents start to date again it needs to stay between adults until you both agree the relationship has a future and as their mother feel he will be good for your children. Why introduce anyone to your children if in fact the relationship is so new and if it doesn't work out they have to live and deal with another father figure walking out? When children are brought into "dating" relationships we are asking our children to date the other person too, the bad thing is...they don't have a say so if the two adults call it quits. I think you do need to separate your dating life and personal life until you see where this relationship is going. If it does seem permanent then let him spend time with them but if it doesn't then the separation now will help them deal with his disappearance later much easier. If you start dating someone else, keep it to your self and see him only when your children are with their father and/or if you have a sitter, just tell them you are going out to meet a friend for dinner.

P.S. Also, why would they feel they needed a "new" dad if they already have one that spends time with them? This is important to know.

Hi there I have 2 kids 9 very stronge willed and 7 he's the la te da whatever kinda kid.
I also met a great guy though he didn't meet the kids until we were together for a year and too because we lived 4 hours apart.
First I would get him alone and explain that it has not been long that the have been away from there father and they are seeing you as a fill in void in their life. Tell him that you are so happy that he and the kids are getting along and that you are not putting things in there heads to say. But that it is good they feel that way.
Tell him that you truly care for him and it he ever feels presured to talk about it. What level the kids minds are on it a totally different level than the adults in the relationship.
As far as those that "know him" Have they ever dated him or been in the situatuin as he is?! How is it for them to say that he "will get scared and run" Is it maybe they are intimated about the relationship? Has he been in a relationship before like this one with you and left from pressure? if so then consider this,..........you are a different person and the relationship is different. What is to be will be.
My fiancee was never married and never had kids. Now getting marrined to me with 2 kids and a instant family. It will be 4 years by the time we get married but for my kids sake it was for the best. He calls him his kids now and before he got stressed alot. Now he steps in as the father figure when needed in a good way and really helps me out.
there is no exact answer but to follow your heart.
I do hope that you work out and that you are happy!

V.

HI T.,
Open communication is always the key. you should sit him down and let him know that kids will be kids. Let him know how you feel about him and express to him where you want the relationship to go. If you don't do this then he might automatically assume that you are putting the kids up to it and he might feel pressured. I also find out that it's usually alot easier to get the relationship established first and then slowly introduce the kids into it. In this way everyone can get use to each other. Hope this advice helps.

Hey T.,

I am going through the same thing. I have a daughter that is 6 and he has a son who is 8, although I have been divorced a lot longer than he has we are still in the "same boat" we have been dating for almost 9 months now. I did not meet his son until about February I think it was and I have been ok with that, my daughter on the other hand has had contact with him since our first date. He has his son 3-4 days a week so when he has his son we are not together but when he does not have his son he is at my house intereacting and taking a very actve roll in mine and my daughters life. In the past few weeks my daughter has out of the blue when we are doing things (his son has not been around) has in a childish manor said "my daddy, my daddy" of course I panic he just kind of giggles but we both correct her. The other night she was laying up in his arms and well just "cuddling" how a father & daughter would and he said to her I guess I pass the test huh? I said to her did Mr. S pass the test is he a pretty good guy and she was like yup, she wanted him to put her to bed that night. Now normally I would be all panic stricken and freakin out but I realized kids are smarter than we are, they are a good judge of character and S & I have a very open honest relationship the reason I did not meet his son until later on in the relationship is because I did not want to put forth an effort of something that was not going to last. We have had many talks about what our future holds and what we want to happen. I have also had a talk with my daughter explaining that even though she has a father (as you see I used the word father) they have a very distant relationship since our divorce that even though she loves Mr. S and wants him to be her daddy that time will tell we have to wait and when the time comes we will make that official. I think having open communication with both your partner and the children make it a better outcome for them not running. If they are not secure with in themselves and can not handle a little "interigation" I call it from the children then they might not be ready to be involved in a "Pre made" family. I seriously hope this made sense. Good Luck!

Hi T.,

I apologize in advance if my response is one you do not want to hear but if your boyfriend was aware that you had children and still wanted to date you then there should be no problem. Your children are yours for life and you should never feel like they may be impeding your relationship. If your boyfriend winds up leaving because your children find him lovable enough to wish he was their dad, then IMO he isn't the man you thought him to be and it would be his loss more so than yours. B.

Hi T.. A perfect partnership is one that no matter what nothing in this world including comments from the kids will destroy. I have a similiar situation. I am divorced now after 20 yrs and well my kids say just the opposite. When you moving out. You'll never be my dad. You really going to marry him? I have had to deal with alot. He says everything and anything to get the kids to like him. In my eyes he is my soulmate and I love him with all my heart. Your relationship with your new mate sounds wonderful. I learned that this time around I was going to be sure to have someone with open communication at all times. No holding nothing back. Are you able to have that with him? If so, talk to him of your fears and maybe between the two of you , a solution could come about. He may not be offended at all by what the kids are saying. Ask him and talk about it. It will certainly calm your anxiety and fears of losing him. Hope this helpful. T. T.

WELL SIT YOUR KIDS DOWN AND TELL THEM THAT A RELATIONSHIP TAKES TIME AND THAT U AND HIM NEED TO GROW AND NOT RUSH INTO THINGS BUT IF THATS NOT WORKING WITH THEM WELL TELL HIM THAT U R NOT PUTTING THINGS INTO THEIR HEAD AND TO DONT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO COMMENTS LIKE THAT TELL HIM THAT THEY REALLY LIKE U AND THATS ALL BUT ITS PROBABLY SCARIN HIM OFF A LITTLE SO TELL YOUR KIDS DONT MAKE COMMENTS LIKE THAT IF THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT HIM COME TO U FIRST TO ASK IF ITS APPORIATE BUT TELL THEM THEY HAVE TO STOP BEFORE THEY RUN AWAY