Advice Needed for a Mom at Her Wits End

I have been told that as a child I had a biting problem. I would bite my sibblings as well as children my mother babysat for. They took me to the doctor and his suggestion was to make me stay in another room but where I could see the other kids. And that I would want to be able to play with them, but had to stop biting to be able to be with them. And eventually I would have a greater desire to be with the other kids and stop biting them. It took a while and some trial and error, but I did eventually learn to stop biting so that I may stay with the other kids. I stopped and didn't have an issue after. maybe that may help.

My kids go to a neighbors house and there was a younger boy that kept biting and hiting my kids and I almost pulled them out, he left thank goodness. I suggested to the woman watching my kids that she let him go and find someone else to watch, because she had had it too and felt bad for telling them that she couldn't watch him anymore. Do you still watch kids by the way? I am always looking for someone. What area do you live in?

He's probably doing it for attention because he sees you picking up yours and giving her attention and he thinks well this is day care. he probably does not know that is your baby because he's not your baby. you know what I mean? try showing equal attention to them both. I know it's hard but really he beilives he is being singled out. he is too young to understand that you are the other baby's mommy. You child will cope with it. during the time he is there pretend that she is a child you are watching too. or pretend that he is your baby too. That way you can show love to him and he wont feel like the baby is your favorite child at "day care" he might grow up with social issues if you don't. I know when my children were at day care they all got the same amount of attention and there was'nt favorets. tell me if this does not make sense to you. I'd like to help.

You can always get rid of him and take mine! I had watched a friends daughter and she was watching mine with her daughter over here and I seen how violent the other child was toward mine. She said she's never done that before or doesn't do that with other kids. Maybe a jealousy thing, but I didn't like it. I told her I couldn't have my daughter around that. My daughters behavior changed from it and dont want mine being that way. Kids are sponges, they soak in everything they see and hear and will immitate it too.

I cannot believe that she spanks a 15 month old! I have spanked my child before, but he is almost three and my idea of a spanking is one swift pop on the butt. I would get that woman's issues away from your home as quickly as possible. I feel so bad for her little baby - that child is going to have problems.

Time outs work well, but the key here is CONSISTENCY. If mom is spanking him and doesn't want anyone else to, this is not going to work very well. Also, why do you think he has such violent behavior? He is learning it at home from mom! If I were you, I would tell her that consistent discipline is key to teaching a child this age how to behave and if she is not willing to implement timeouts for here child's behavior at home and let you do it when he is in your home, you will have to stop watching him for the safety and well-being of your own children. Also, be aware that since she has been spanking him, that this new way of disciplining will take time and he may get worse before he gets better. But the good news is he is young, so he should learn fairly quickly and easily. You really have the opportunity to be a good influence on this mom and her son. Approach her with a caring attitude and tell her you're willing to work thru this (if you actually are), but that he will learn the best way if it's uniform through out his daily life.

Spanking is an angry way to punish your child and all it does is make them afraid of you. With a child this young, he probably doesn't even understand why he is being hit. Remember your priorities and put your babies first! There are probably a TON of other kids that need you as a sitter. Stay-at-home moms that provide daycare are in high demand, in my area at least.

Every time he bites, scratches, pushes, screams on purpose at the top of his lungs, throws a toy angrily, grabs, etc..... pick his little body up (to remove him and the other child from dangerous contact), look him in the eye and say in a deep sturn voice, "No hitting" or whatever the offense , then turn his little body away from you and place him on all fours (face down) on the floor. Don't smash him or be brutal... but make it unpleasent and quick. Doing this will give him social rejection rather than reiforcement for the aggressive behavior. The only thing he'll see is your sturn face, your voice, and the floor, rather than the other child crying over getting hurt or toy taken away. Stay on him.... be consistant. Spend your time at his side ready to remove him immediately. You'll find that you'll spend your time on your knees next to him a lot. Just keep telling him "No" and turning him away -over and -over and -over again. He won't like it.

But, it's not abusive, it's not spanking, and it's not over doing the social rejection like time outs tend to do. And at 15 months old... they can't link the two together. So, when you turn him away toward the floor, he'll probably cry. He may even tantrum, but don't hold him hostage to the position. Just leave him there alone. When he's done being upset over it, he'll join back in. He might need a hug after a minute or two if he really feels bad but, definately don't scoop him up and cottle him just because he feels bad for what he did. Give him a minute to just be sad about it.

It works.

Oh, and ofcourse.... spend all the rest of your time verbally encouraging him and reinforcing the good things that he does. Give him plenty of feed back saying stuff like, "Oh, you wanted Sally's toy but you didn't take it. You didn't hit. You kept your hands down. Look at you....you walked past the baby and did not poke her eye. Yes, you sit down by her and pat her belly gentle. Blah, Blah, Blah."

But, it works.

I was in the opposite boat... My provider's son was beating my child up. (they are approx. 1 1/2 months apart in age) I got fed up with my little boy's face being scratched up, so I found another provider. You should end your agreement with this family. There are lots of moms without terrors looking for quality daycare. You could probably find a child that is a good match for your children.

Your children come first!
1. Begin looking for another child to babysit.
2. Let the family of the boy know that he is too disruptive to your home and that it is not a good fit.
There are a lot of kids who would benefit from your family situation and interact well with your children.
In my opinion he is probably a terror because he is being spanked every time he acts like a 15 month old.
Best of luck.

You need to come up with a form of disipline you both agree on for example TIME OUT ( never give a phisical punishment when being punished for phisical behavore) then be ever sooo consistant each and every time he hurts one of the other children. It is important to show him what IS exseptible phisical touch, for example hugs becuse of the devlopmental stage the child is at it might take the better part of 2 months for him to stop. He may be angry and jellous the other children have their mother and recive the love he is not getting from his mother while she is away. Try giving him extra tlc and see if that helps!

Its not woth it, trust me I do child care. You shouldn't find ways to cakm her child. I know its easier said then done. There are other children out there you can watch. Its not worth it having your children put up with that, as well as you, because I am sure it stresses you out and you put a lot of focus on him during the day. Take Care, T. Q

Well first I'd try some time outs and redirection. I think one or two minutes is all he can take at that age. And if you've been really hands on with that for a couple of weeks and it's not getting any better, then I'd suggest to mom that she find a new day care arrangement. I know you need the extra income but you also don't need to expose your children to that behavior. And if the mom can't be of more assistance in shaping her child's behaviour, then it's probably better in the long run if you find another child to babysit. Just my two cents.

L.
Mom of two

or babysit for a person who dshs pays you for it, then you cant get screwed out of money, and personaly it is in the end about your kids!

Dear E.,

I'm a licensed provider and the President of a Child Care Assn.... I will tell you what I have told other providers.... tell the mother that, all though you do need the extra income, you will no longer be able to watch her son because he is a constant danger to your own children. Then put an ad on Craigslist and look for another child to watch. I think you already know that the right thing to do is let him go....the safety of your own kids always comes first. I know... I had the same situation here at my home. Good Luck!!

Just read your last response.....If you do get a job and need child care.... here is a local referal number for Licensed Child Care Providers ###-###-####

E.,
You shouldn't have to worry about whether or not this 15 month old is going to hurt your children. Also, if the parent offers no good advice on how to handle their child, I say get out of the agreement. There are plenty of parents looking for good care and you don't need this stress. Give her notice, which will give you time to find someone new and for her to find someone new.

Best of luck!

I would start looking for another child to watch. It's not worth having your children suffer.

thats horrible that you're not getting the money you're owed! i wouldn't let it turn you off from babysitting though. there are some great families out there that could use someone like you, and would be fair with you. good luck!

i am glad many have spoken out against hitting/spanking, but i also wanted to share an alternative view on time out, which seems so popular in this group. there are so many better ways to respond to young children, primarily by looking at the *cause* of the child's behavior, not the behavior itself.

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/peter_haiman.html