Advice About Unsympathetic Hubby

honestly, if the doctor has said it's okay i'd just tell him to shut up unless he has a degree in medicine. Men can be a pain. When i was pregnant I told the hubby he couldn't drink until I was allowed to again :P And at 7 months he was waiting on me hand and foot just about, and rarely complained - and I didn't work outside the home.

Hi-
EMAIL me at ____@____.com. I have bad IC and had a REALLY rough pregnancy, just had my baby in Novemeber. I empathize to the Nth degree. I am happy to be a support as I had my own IC friend I met to help me cope when no one else gets it. How can I help? What are you taking? Is your MD supportive?

Write soon-
Hang in there...in the end, it is worth it but is is a LONG road.

Hi,

I am very concerned about what you have written. This type of behavior generally does not improve - please seek more direct resources for yourself and your baby.

Here is a basic website to help.

http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/

I left an abusive marriage - what you have shared is enough to say that it is VERY important to call your local abused women's services and talk to them and evaluate your situation.The reason your hurting SO much is because that behavior was meant to be hurtful and more than likely it will not improve as you grow more vulnerable and dependant on this person you are hoping to support and protect you in this most vulnerable time.

When you have a little babe nursing in your arms you need even more support,provision and protection -THAT is what a husbands and father's role is.Treating you like this is NOT UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR PERIOD - (Do not use the alcohol as an excuse for him) if he doesn't get that then guareenteed it is not going to improve it will only get worse as his responsibilities increase he will only feel you 'owe' him much more and the baby will be even more impacted. I know these are tough words but I've been there - You CAN Be brave - get help now.

A word of caution marriage counseling is not usually recommended for abusive relationships - get help from the women's center.

All blessings to you,

R. Collins

Hi A. B,

You should be concerned. If he is acting like this now, it will only get worse after you have the baby. You need to sit him down (and as gently as possible) tell him that what he did and said was not OK and you are not going to stand for it. He definitely crossed a line by insinutating that you don't care for the baby. Trust me, you don't want him coming home every day after the baby is born and telling you what to do with regards to the baby and your body and acting like he has the baby's best interest at heart and you don't (after you have loved and cared for the baby all night and all day). I'm going through this now, and it is awful. You have to address this behavior right now or it may continue and get worse. He simply has to trust your judgment with regards to your body and the baby.

Your husband's behavior is not about you--it's about him. As difficult as it may be, you need to let go of responsibility for how he feels and how he treats you. It's abusive, and it doesn't bode well for the future. You may usually have a good relationship with your husband, but is this the first time you've had any significant conflict? Just wait until you have a baby in the picture, because conflict will likely increase when you become parents, and if you've been walking on eggshells up until now to keep your relationship on an even keel, once you have kids you won't have the time or energy to maintain the same effort. If any of this rings true, I suggest you get counseling (couples counseling if he'll go). It will make your life much better and possibly prevent much bigger problems later that could make life really difficult for you and your children.

You might want to mention to your husband that keeping your body in a state of constant stress (from not keeping your bodily functions working properly) is FAR more damaging to a fetus than some needed medication that has been approved by a qualified doctor.

As you progress toward the end of your pregnancy, pressure on your bladder is only going to increase. Something to think about is that your bladder may get so stressed out that you may get an infection where you have to be pumped up with anitbiotocs. I would be taking BOTH medications daily to stay as healthy as possible, and have your doctor explain to your husband the MEDICAL NECESSITY for keeping your bladder as healthy as possible for the strain of childbirth.

As for being tired, he needs to get a reality check. When I was pregnant, I was constantly so tired I could barely think at the end of the day. I took a daily nap, AND was asleep by 10pm each night as well. Not only are you eating for two, you are sleeping for two as well.

I had pregnancy induced asthma badly enough that I couldn't walk 20 feet without getting out of breath. My doctor put me on two steroidal inhalers, which my husband strongly disapproved of. My doctor sat my husband down and explained that If _ I _ couldn't breath well, then neither could baby.

Hi A.,

I agree more with Stacey and the second part of Catherine's. I think there is a larger issue here and what struck me most was the fact that you said you and your husband have a good relationship. This leads me to believe that this behavior of his has sort-of thrown you for a loop and is out of the ordinary. I think having him attend your next urology apt. and bringing up that he does not understand the benefits and non-harming aspects of the medications would help. Your Dr. may be able to assure him and also tell him that you need his support more than anything right now!

I did a quick google search on IC meds and pregnancy and it did not look good…maybe he is a researcher and has looked this up on his own and therefore reached his own conclusions. He needs to know and hear the same information you have heard form your Dr.’s mouth to his ears so you two are on the same page. Who knows what he talked about with the “boys” the night of the beers that caused the reaction he had…but the bottom line is that it probably really had NOTHING to do with the fact that you were in bed at ten pm. Good Lord, if I was not in bed by ten when I was prego I turned into a very ugly pumpkin!!!

I hardly think too that picking a fight with you is good for the baby either…he was not thinking straight! Sit him down and find out what is really at the root of his fear.

Dear A.,
I have another thought. He may be reacting to the stress he feels in having a baby, especially a boy. We had 4 girls and then a boy. My husband was upset and left the US room. Later he told me he was scared about having a boy because now he was responsible to raise a man. He may also feel like he has no control. That too is very difficult for a man, espcially if he is used to being the boss. Gently explore these issues with him when he is sober.
Congratulations on your baby. Take care of yourself these last few weeks.
Stac

First of all, Congrats!
As far as the health of your baby, you are doing what the Dr's tell you is safe, and that's just fine. Remind your husband that there are crackheads that give birth to perfectly healthy babies.
As far as his hurtful comments - If this is the first offense - I would sit him down and calmly explain that comments about your devotion to the baby are "hitting below the belt" and totally unacceptable. Pregnancy (as you know) is very stressful for both women and men. People do stupid things when they are stressed (and drunk for that matter.) So don't go running to divorce court or anything, but make a pact to never say things like that to each other. Remind your husband that you two are a team (you will really need to be w/ an child now) and thus should act like one.
If this is not the first time he's said abusive things (I agree w/ the other women,) I would get some help. Try couple's counseling first.
I also recommend making time to read "Babyproofing your Marriage," by Stacie Cockrell,and Cathy O'Neill. It was a major help to me ( I have a 7 month old.) I decided it will be my new baby shower gift to all expectant mothers.
As for the IC...
I suffered w/ IC for 2 years undiagnosed (as you know pain 24/7.) Then I took a round of Elmeron (for 2 years) which is supposed to be a cure.... But its not.
I was fine for a while, but have since had major irritation from time to time. It is an ongoing battle that I control with a few things.
The only thing that works for me on a consistent basis is acupuncture. I would do some research on this, but the way I have come to understand this is that you have a physical body and you have an invisible energy body. They are totally connected. If you break your arm it will affect your energy body and if your energy isn't flowing correctly, it can affect your internal organs (like your bladder.) Acupuncture works on an energetic level (from the inside out) correcting the CAUSE of the problem rather then treating symptoms and thus just covering up the problem (like drugs do.) Let me know if you decide you would like to do this and you need a recommendation. I have a few different people I've seen.
Going to acupuncture and phasing out of the meds might also ease your husband's mind (not that he has a right to judge you - but you should feel good that he's worried about the baby - its annoying, but better this way than not caring.)
Acupuncture also helped me w/ the back pain, heartburn, irritability that pregnancy caused for me. I also had a bout of post partum and was having extreme panic attacks about a month after my daughter was born, and we addressed that as well. I'm feeling much better now.
And my insurance covers it.
More about IC... I also take Zyflammend from time to time. Its an herbal anti inflammatory. I don't know if its approved for pregnancy, but you may want to check into it.
I would also recommend reading "Women's bodies, Women's Wisdom," by Christiane Northrup. She's a Dr. and talks about the Mind-Body connection. She has some interesting insight to what may be causing the IC. She's really great and has been on the Oprah show several times.
Anyway, I hope this helps. Let me know if I can be of any more help. I know what you're going through. It really sucks, but try not to let it get you down, wallowing and making yourself a victim (in my experience) only made it worse. Hang in there.
Oh also (if your husband is open to it) I have some wonderful books for him that might make him a little more understanding as far as the pregnancy (and post pregnancy) goes. My husband read them and it really helped him (and me :)

First it sounds like you are both under a lot of stress. It sounds like you need to have a long talk without the influence of alcohol. If it was the drinking talking, he should be able to see that it is hurting, not helping your relationship. Children are an awesome blessing, but they do add stress, so those couple difficulties need to keep being worked on. There is an awesome book called Love and Respect you can look up on the internet. It is written from a Christian perspective, but speaks in real life man to woman terms. If you or your husband are open to letting God teach you about this whole new world of parenting, it will help so much. Your medical issues complicate the hormones and stress of pregnancy. Ask a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor to help you both, so you will both be the parents you want to be. I have health issues and five kids, 26 to 10 years. The Lord has seen us through each and every hard time, and blessed us uncountable times. The best to you all three, and we will be praying for the best.

Hi A., Lots has already been said so I won't write too much, but please remind your husband that if he cares about you and the baby then he won't add stress to your life by picking on you. Any additional stress can be really harmful in pregnancy, raising your bloodpressure and making you (and therefore the baby) even more ill. Take care of yourself and good luck. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. x

I just read your request and wanted to know how everything is...

Sorry about all that you are going through right now but a big congratulations on your baby! There is no better (or harder!!) experience in this world.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with your hubby. You can achieve anything together with that.

My best advice to you is that you are doing too much. In my opinion having a baby is not compatible with working outside the home. You are not only eating and sleeping for two, as well as everything else your body is going through, but you also have a marital relationship. All of this together is more than a full time job in itself. Especially after the baby is born, you will want to be home with your baby. That's your job now. You deserve the opportunity to give that 100%. Scale down, do whatever you have to do, as I said, it's the most important and difficult job in the world.(At one time I would have said it was impossible to be able to achieve this financially but anything's possible where there is a drive to do so. I am now a full time mother and wife and it's the biggest and best job in the world!) And it's your job. No one can do this job but you.You will have no time or energy for any other outside job nor should you try.

You also have a good marriage and that will be more of an effort to maintain after the baby is born. The baby will take so much from you. Don't forget your husband will have all sorts of fears and feelings too.

And about the medication you are taking, imagine the baby being in your husband's body and you worrying about the baby's health all the time. I think it would be so much harder to be the man and completely out of control of what happens and how the baby is taken care of. It is natural for a man to want to take care of his family and this can be a very hard transition. He did sound a little harsh but now is not the time to go to war. This will be a good practice for you to work together on this as you will find many challenges with parenting together and he can be your best asset if you learn to work together.

I don't mean to scare you or sound negative. Having a baby is the most profound, beautiful experience that you will only know when it happens to you. Good luck with it all. It sounds like you have the right stuff to work this all out!

Hi A.

Sorry you are going thru hard times right now. But I have to give you Kudos for hanging in there. =+)
Now think of how much or little times are changing with you being pregnant (your lives, relationship, friends, Etc.) Guys have a hard time with showing there feelings so he is just scared about the life changing event coming up. My husband was also against me talking any meds while I was pregnant. I had to take a high blood presure meds and he hated it. Guys really don't understand what we go thru everyday with being pregnant and now that you are in your 3rd tri.

But try not to take what he says to heart. I do not know your relationship but you do. Maybe if you feel comfortable talking to one of his and your close friends that you can trust him not to tell your husband. We don't what that to cause anymore problems or a family memeber that he is open with his feelings maybe you can find out what is bothering him. Because something is!

Maybe you can talk to your OB before the next appt that he will go to, just maybe she/he can talk in a way that you might be coming up in the 3rd trimester. (sleepyness, back pains, feet hurt/selling, etc.) or if you can't talk to the OB before ask at your appt infront of him and the OB should even tell you it is normal and your husband will then understand what every women feels.

Good luck.
J. V

Get counseling immediately before he gets really abusive. Stand up for yourself by talking to him lovingly, yet assertively about his behavior while he is sober. If he is going to behave in this manner, he needs to leave the alcoholic beverages alone. He sounds like an "unhappy drunk" when he has a few beers, which sometimes can lead to violence. I am not saying it will, but it can be possible. Be safe.

Dear A.,

You've been told a lot, but one thing I think could help is if your urologist would talk to your husband. I work with a woman who has IC and she told me that either 80 or 90 percent of people with IC are not able to work. They are in too much pain, too sick. She is DETERMINED to work and not give in to the disease, but we can tell some days when the back pain is too bad, and other pains. I suspect your husband has no idea the pain you suffer, and if he won't go to an appointment with your urologist, I'd call or write the Doctor and ask him to either call or write to your husband to tell him what you're going through, how serious it is and that the meds are safe. Also the OB could speak to him, as others have suggested.

I HOPE he is not an abusive husband, but if there's any chance these Mamasource women are reading him right, please heed their advice in that respect tool

God bless you, Sweetie. I pray things will improve. Do take action.

K.

I'm sorry you are going through this during such an emotional time. First of all, I wouldn't take anything that is said when he comes home after drinking with the boys. I think we all know that after being with our friends and drinking that they can put us in a place to think we should say something and it sounds logical at that time.
I would talk with your OB alone and explain what is going on. When you are pregnant it makes you very tired, especially at the point you are, and when you are working you will be even more tired. Maybe the OB can talk about it with both of you and explain that you need a lot of rest at this point. This is the last rest you will be getting all by yourself. AFter the baby you will need to do whatever you can to rest (i.e. sleeping when the baby does or even while the baby is on you just so you can rest). Your body is going through so much and it needs to be explained by someone other than you.

Bottom line, take care of yourself because that is taking care of your baby

Dear A.,
I teach HypnoBirthing and I'm also a hypnotherapist. I really hope you will contact me either on the computer: ____@____.com or by phone ###-###-####, ###-###-####. I'm certain together we can develop a much better situation for you and your baby.
Hear from you soon,
S.

I am really sorry you are going through this. Pregnancy can be life changing and can even be more difficult when you are dealing with other illnesses. I have dealt with illness during my pregnancies and when I look back they may be the most difficult experiences I have had. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and things do get better. My youngest child is now nine and those difficulties seem to be distant memories. I am a mother of a blended family with 6 children ages 4 to 15. I am a couples counselor and I think the most important element to working these things out is effective communication. Effective communication always happens when both partners are sober, well rested, and there is an acknowledged agreement to have a constructive conversation. Hope this helps. Sorry for your difficult time. If you need anything else let me know. We have evening and weekend appts. available at our center.

Google might have useful information for your condition. As for a rude man telling you things, I am familiar with that. Try to keep yourself positive. Dont' let him get to you, if your upset, it will affect the baby. Try not to stress too much, not healthy. Men have a tendancy to talk out of their behinds when they are drunk. I wish you luck.

Girl, we need to talk.. I am at work and cant type too much, but your husband sounds just like mine.. jerks!
I'll try and reply with a longer msg later... Read my profile about my marriage request... we'll talk later. take care. Ill pray for you in the mean time...
A. P

The American Chronic Pain Association helped me deal with people who don't understand chronic pain. You may want to check out their website: http://www.theacpa.org

I think we, as women, often forget that pregnancy is hard on men, too. Not in the same ways that it is for us, but I would have to think that something that is basically out of his control completely would be difficult to handle. I think his lashing out at you is probably a result of his own hidden fears regarding the pregnancy and all the normal concerns parents have. Even more so since this is your first and if it is going to be your only, then he's probably feeling some added stress of only having one chance to "get it right" so to speak. Since he has no physical control over what you do with your body in order to keep the baby healthy and care for the baby, then he probably feels all he can do is try to control what you do. Adding alcohol, well, that never helps any stressful situation. Try to approach him when he's calm and tell him that you want him to know that his words were hurtful and that you understand his concerns and that you are doing everything you can to take care of the baby and have a good pregnancy for both the baby and you. Try to help him understand that any unnecessary health strain on you, ultimately adversly affects the baby as well. The last few months of pregnancy are extremely stressful for everyone. Hang in there!

Maybe it was the alcohol talking. Men can be so strange at times. Maybe you should be sure he goes with you to your next appt with the urologist and ask some specific questions for your husband so he understands more. You have been going to your doctors and you know what they have said and you have to do what is best for you. I do wish you the best.

Hi A.,
Sounds to me like anyone who comes home drunk has no right to comment on what you are taking and this is comming from someone who doesn't even go to MDs. Perhaps he should try to get pregnant and carry a baby while working full time.
D.

keep in touch with your girlfriends. theyr'e priceless! if you don't have a good girlfrind to talk to, join playgroups when the baby is born. it helps so much! good luck! hopefully it was just the beer talking...

I feel like I am in the same boat! Only my husband is insisting I take medication! I don't have a medical situation like yours (sounds difficult) but I did have terrible post partum depression. I went on antidepressants for about six months. Now I am weaning myself off of them... Every time my husband and I have a disagreement about anything he says I wouldn't of been so upset if I was back on the medicine full strength. I feel like he is using it as an excuse because then he doesn't have to take responsibility for being wrong or out of line sometimes. I try to talk to him about it when we aren't angry. I also decided to not respond when he starts talking about the medication. Good luck! I feel for you!

A.!

We all need to vent about our husbands sometimes.

Question: Does he treat you like this ONLY when he drinks with his friends, or is it a regular habit of his? Because, even after having drinks, certain things are NOT ok to say to your spouse, and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

You are going through a very beautiful time in your life. Problems like this shouldn't be problem in a healthy marriage during a pregnancy. I hope everything will be ok for you.

:o) N.

This is a very difficult time for both of you. You need professional help from a wise personal friend that you both trust. That can be a mom, a dad, a close friend, a doctor, or a therapist. A good source is the church if you are attending. Both sides should be vented in the open with someone there to focus on the whole picture. You need to be a team, with the same goal, the safety of your child. That means that you stay on your medications as prescribe and have the doctor talk to your husband about the safety factors. It's important that you take them as prescribed - for your safety and the safety of your child.
Remember---he was drunk when he made those nasty remarks. Underneath those nasty remarks is a sense of fear. Fear of losing you and fear of losing his son. Get some help as soon as possible so you can both put this into perspective and be able to enjoy the next couple of weeks until your son is born. Then life really starts.

Good Luck. God bless you both during this difficult yet most enjoyable time of your lives.

Dr B.

Hi A.,

I know you must really love this guy but he sounds like a JERK~! Your 7 months along and he has the nasty attitude to correct you. He either needs to become more educated about your situation or not have an opinion. He sounds like one of those guys, who will be hounding you to be just like you were before the baby. If you have talked everything out with your doc and they have ok'ed the medicine then don't worry. And as far as you caring for your baby, again don't listen to stupidity. Enjoy your pregnancy and if he keeps bugging you call his momma and tell her to deal with him~! Hope you have a healthy and happy baby. Take care of you too~ Blessings, D.