Advice About How to Help My Son Without Hurting Him....

maybe tell dad that hes taking everything dad says to personal and tell dad he might want to ease up a bit. Don't say about what let that ride. Explain to dad child doesnt feel like he can please dad and reward should also come with discipline. the kids will adjust to diffrent rules in diffrent houses. If son wants to move in a while let him but don't you suggest it. Tell dad a break would do them both good if this question arises. Other wise stay out of it and let them work it out. Nobody helped my kid deal with me he had to learn on his own and did a good job of it. just be a venting board for him advise him and go on.

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As an educator I can tell you I do agree with giving a consequence for talking in class and having his name put on the sub's list. However, I do not agree with the type of punishment he gave or your ex husband attacking his integrity. Lying is wrong, however maybe if your son felt he could talk to your ex husband comfortably without being personally attacked he would not lie. I think you and your ex should have a conversation (without the children around) and discuss what types of discipline you will be implementing. Even though you do not live together you need to be able to stay consistent for your childrens sake. You do not want a good cop bad cop situation which happens so many times with children of divorce. I think a punishment more appropriate for talking in school should be maybe to loose a daily privilege, not to be humiliated. I know you do not see talking in class as a big issue but trust me it can be very disruptive, so I would suggest maybe you can take it more seriously and your ex can chill out a bit. Try to find some balance. It really to me is not about the talking as much as not listening or respecting the teachers rules. If it starts with talking then it will only get worse as he gets older. Rules are there for a reason and even if we think they are to much or to rigid we still have to respect them and teach our children to do so. Lets face it parents who live together have different opinions on how to raise their children because we usually do what we know and what we grew up with.

I agree with Diane S. And I bet your husband is being heavy handed because he doesn't think you are taking it seriously enough. I don't agree with your husband's way of dealing with it, and I see your point that there are other things that could be worse, but it can turn into a big deal. What if his teacher next year is much stricter, and he isn't prepared for it? What if the dreaded defiant stage kicks in before he learns to control his talking, and it gets out of control? I was a talker in school too, I know it drove my parents crazy, and I remember how hard it is to stop. You don't really say what your way of dealing with the talking is, so maybe you are taking it more seriously than it sounds.

I think talking with your husband and agreeing to a middle ground approach that you both stick to will be the most helpful to your son. If you will meet your husband halfway on this one, he might be willing to do the same. Part of the agreement should be to listen to everything your son says first, and then maybe even call each other and talk it over. That way your husband will see that your son is not lying. And agree on the punishment you will both do, so that there is no belittling or making your son feel bad. It's the no trust that bothers me, along with the reading aloud. That doesn't seem like a fitting punishment. The one hour of chores isn't really all that bad though. Most 10 year old already have that, without it being a punishment.

Trust is a good issue right about 10 years old. I know it must be hard to raise a child between two different homes and rules, but I wonder if your son pulls the same stops at Dad's house about your discipline. Don't get too wrapped up in something you can't change.

Hi K., This must be so difficult for you knowing that your son might be having a hard time adjusting to his dad.Trust sounds like an issue with Dad and perhaps honesty is an issue with your son ,that is if he hasnt been completely honest with whats going on at school.Its very natural to feel protective of your son because you arent there.I think talking with dad may be the right step as well as counseling,so your son has a place to talk without feeling like he's choosing sides.Also sometimes children will make things sound worse so they dont hurt your feelings, they actually be having a nice visit but often they feel torn...I hope Ive helped,Take Care

I would also say that I think that learning not to talk in class IS a big deal so please do make that a priority. Talking seems harmless, but he is interfering with his own learning and that of his classmates.

However, like you said your husbands way of dealing with it has been insensitive. I think that you as the mom should definitely tell the dad how his punishments have been effecting your son. IF the two of you can talk kindly you should tell him how his son feels without accusing him of being wrong. "I just think you should know the our son feels terrible to have lost your trust, it is really effecting his self esteem. Can you help him figure out how to get your trust back. . . . ." This will tell him he has hurt your son, and hopefully make him think about it more without you telling him how to parent. Also please try to stand by your ex in having his own rules in his own home and realize that it doesn't help your son to set up a "good guy/bad guy" situation. If its his rule that your son reports it if he gets into trouble, than your son needs to do that and do it honestly. I wish he was being gentler, but I applaud him enforcing the class rules. Sounds like your husband is a little old school as far as punishments and not allowing your son to make excuses. I wouldn't do reading out loud, because as someone else said that leads to not liking reading. My kids are very little, but I can't say that I won't be having them copy out of the dictionary or encyclopedia someday. I'm a little old school too though (probably because I taught lots of teenagers who did not have a healthy fear of getting in trouble).

My husband had a very similar situation to your arrangement as a child. I do want you to know that he got used to having different levels of strictness and different punishments and he is just as often grateful about the more strict rules as the more gentle ones with his mom. Moms and Dads parent differently and that is ok, and both have their place. Oh and all that copying out of the encyclopedia actually led my husband to read quite a bit of it.

First of all, it's a good thing that his dad is interested in what's going on at school.
I do not agree with the "I don't trust you" decree.
I think the lesson here is that, yes, he needs to control his talking and that yes, he needs to be up-front and honest with EVERYONE involved on this issue that he is currently working on.
He can be told that he will NEVER be in trouble for telling the truth and explain to him that you AND his father like to hear things from him before you hear it from the teacher.

I think you are right, counciling may help. Telling your 10 year old son you don't trust him and then punishing him isn't the way to go. There is always two sides to a coin, and right now I think his dad is being way to harsh. Kids are kids they are gonna talk. When I was raising my little sister she did the same thing best way I could handle that is work on why she was talking so much or let her know talk only when your allowed to in class.Other wise his dad is going to make him never want to tell him anything and he will retract, and it may scare him so bad he may not tell you in the future. Best to nip it in the butt now. Reassure him everything will be find. :) Best of luck to you and your son. :)

Perhaps you could arrange for a conference for you and Dad with the teacher. I would suggest to the teacher that she talk with the Dad just as she talks with you. Sounds like Dad is missing important information about the teacher and the classroom.

The Dad's response seems quite harsh to me even assuming that the Dad is acting on erroneous info that he considers correct. Being on the talking list doesn't warrant 7 nights of reading out loud and doing chores for an hour. First, reading should be fun. Reading should never be punishment. Reading could be a form of discipline if your son didn't get his reading done because he was talking. But then you probably know that.

I do not understand your ex's philosophy of parenting in this situation. What does he hope for his son to learn from this and how is his form of discipline helping his son to learn this? If you're able to discuss parenting issues with your ex then this could be a way to start.

I'm guessing you and your ex aren't able to talk about this. If you're not then the best that you can do is to help your son understand that his father has his ways and even tho you don't agree in this situation he still has to do what his father says. Then focus on how your son feels about it. Accept the way your son feels. Let him vent. Then help him find a way that he can make a difference. Perhaps focus on the talking in class. Brainstorm ways that he could help himself not talk so much. Focus on how the reading will help him improve. Suggest he find a book that he would enjoy reading out loud. And remind him that if he cheerfully does the chores he'll feel better even tho it doesn't feel fair. A bit pollyannish to be sure but he will find that looking in that direction does help.

My mother very wisely told me when I was upset about the way my father treated me that he was my father and was doing the best he knew how. She taught me to accept what had happened even tho I was upset, to talk about my feelings with her and then to focus on what I could do to make it different for me without expecting my father to be any different. It took me years to understand and even when I was an adult I was all too often upset over things I could not change. But the idea that some things are unfair and that I have control over myself and how I react is an important part of my life. Ten is not too young to start learning that.

I am suggesting a great book, An Essential Practical Guide to Family Living. The title saids it all. You may order it at www.destroyingyokes.com. There are some other things going on too with dad. How did he treat his son when you were a family unit? In trying to understand dad do you think that he feels that you are babying him and he needs to toughen him up?
You are right you will have to speak with dad as your son's advocate and protector. If dad retaliates on him once he is visiting again then you will probably need some outside help to mediate and help dad see there are better ways to discipline and train. He probably does want good things for him and doesn't know how to do it or it could be some other things going on in dad as I first mentioned. Does dad ever attend school meetings? Because that may help him get a better understanding of what is going on in the class. I'm sure he doesn't realize that he is mentally and emotionally abusing his son when he treats him like that. And the damage can be lifelong and deep. Please get the book. I am the author and if you would like to further this converstion contact me at ____@____.com. I am a also special education teacher and have raised four sons. And one of my sons was a talker and a comedian (still is and he's soon to be 31yrs old- smile) and now he has a son who is a talker. When I was raising my sons I was a stay at home mom and had a private daycare. So OI have many years of working with children. I have a philosophy which is "no matter the behavior, if a child obeys me when I speak, then we are good to go. Even in my class rooms, if a child adheres to commands and follows rules, we can work something out in the other areas. A talker is not the problem that a troublemaker or rude child is. This talking could be a sign of your son being an attorney, a teacher, a weather.newsman, great speaker, etc. So how do you use it to add confidence and prepare him for his future? I hope you order the book and I pray the best for you and your family.

HI, I have experienced something very simular with the Father of my boy with his older boy, the trust is just not there and he too is a good lad. Unfortunately there is not an awful lot that you can do apart from be patient and try to talk with his father, hoping he will listen.
As for counseling, at my daughters school they have a child liasion officer,if they have someone like that at your boys school have a word with them and see if they can help, or get them to sit with your son his father and you as someone nuetral, so you can talk it through in a reasonable mannner, after all if ou both want the best for your son I am sure he would be willing to try that if nothing else, which will take pressure off of you and His father will see that it is not that his son his liying to him, but that he was unaware of what had been said at the time.
Most of all your son will see that he has someone at school whom he can go to if things bother him and he wont in time feel under pressure too, because all he will want to do is please both you and his father. I hope that helps you :)