Advice - Maywood,IL

I have worked for years with teen girls with behavior problems. You are not alone. The advice that I can give is too lengthy to put in a response, really. Teens need boundaries, limits, rules and consistency. It's not an easy road and takes huge amounts of will power in a parent to make the changes needed for a teen girl. I would say that she would benefit from counseling if you haven't already started that with her. Boot camp is pretty extreme, counseling might be a smaller thing that she may be willing to try and may fight you less on. I tell all teens when they come to me that this is a safe place where they can let everything out that is at the root of their anger. I build relationships that help to facilitate the therapy and work with parents to set those limits in the home. If you are interested in bringing her in to see me for counseling please feel free to email me at ____@____.com any time.

The book, How to Talk so Kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk, will give you some idea about how to go about approaching your daughter.

It's counter intuitive and paradoxical...

you have to listen and validate what she says....not agree with it, or change it, just listen, summarize what she is feeling and saying back to her and that's it.

This isn't about you. This is about her. don't tell her anything....

the idea is that she has to want to listen to you first, and it's hard listening to someone who is telling you what to do, or implying that

R.

Hi B.,
Get her into therapy or counseling ASAP. She has some issues that she doesn't know to express. As a result, she flys off with anger. Try & get her to open up to you as well. To help open the lines of communication, take her (without her sister) on a once a week outing. It can be lunch, movie, shopping, getting your nails done, etc. Let her pick what she would like to do. You should also do the same thing with your 12 year old daughter. Fun one on one time with Mom is very important for girls. This alone time should not be the time to tell her what she is doing wrong or to nag her. Keep it fun & in time she will begin to open up to you.

Please follow the advice of the other responder and talk to the psychologist or social worker at her school. They are well equipped with dealing with this issue and if they are not able to see her in school can definitely recommend some outside counseling for both her and the two of you together. As a school psychologist, I urge you to take advantage of this and get the help she needs. Boot camp should be a last resort. Good luck!

It is time to bring in some professional help! Why are you trying to deal with a situation that could get ugly and destructive very quickly? You need to speak to your child's counselor at school and look to your village or town's social services. Not only is your child intelligent but she is also very manipulative and she might start acting out (cutting herself; pushing the other one around and possibly you too). If you are not able to be there for her because of your schedule, you might want to talk to your work about changing your hours to accommodate this child's counseling (and she REALLY REALLY needs it) schedule. Don't mess around with this - or you will regret it. I'm not trying to scare you but a friend of mine's daughter was a witness to her father committing suicide and never got any help for the child. She is 17, angry and pregnant. Don't let this be your situation.

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. i cannot begin to imagine the stress that this has on you and your family.

Homeopathy can help. It's a natural medicine and can help the body heal and get back into balance. your DD seems to have some emotional issues, and homeopathy can help that plus any other physical problems she might have.

Our homeopathic Dr. is in Naperville (www.dupagehomeopathic.com). She wrote this newsletter on depression (your dd prob doesn't have this, but it describes the changes it can evoke in a person w/ emotional imbalance): www.dupagehomeopathic.com/newsletters/depression.pdf

You can email your DD's situation to Dr. Polich and she can tell you if homeopathy can help you. ____@____.com
She has told me that her dd used to have some issues like this, wouldn't talk to her, seemed irritable when having to talk to her mother, but she is normal and loving and communicative now that she has a remedy. She doesn't take it all the time and it's not like being on some sort of prescription, it's a natural remedy that's right for her constitution. When she gets sick or a little off kilter, she takes the remedy and it helps her battle the illness (Shorten it, lessen the severity), and get back into balance and become an easier person to live with.

If you would like to see a list of other homeopathic dr.s in chicagoland, email me.

I agree with Richard K. How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids talk is an awesome book. I read and it changed our life completely. I yell less and the kids are much more receptive to direction and discpline. She is crying out to you. I would take a softer approach and perhaps something really serious is going on with her and she doesn't know how to deal with it herself. Make a date with her a few times a month so that you can touch base and connect. Don't only talk to you when there's an issue or she's mad about something. Go to lunch, go shopping, get a manicure together or just talk a walk around the block. I find talking in the car about whatever on the way to whereever is great. They seem to like it better when they don't have to look at you the whole time. Anyway, I wish you well. My 13 year old has a temper as well and he and his father are always butting heads. I am always stressed out because of this. I know that this will pass and I have to keep doing the best I can. I think only you will know if the situation warrants her to go to counseling or get professional help.

You could get her there. Don't give her the power and make sure this decision is out of love and concern not anger. If you have to get and off duty policeman to take the ride with you...you do what you have to as a last resort just don't let her know. Is she angry about a divorce situation or other men in the home. Get to the base of the problem or camp will. Tell her that and don't tell her when camp starts so she has time to run away.

I would suggest that you call her school and see if she can start talking to a social worker or psychologist. They will be able to help her learn some anger management techniques and also help her figure out why she is acting out violently. I would also try to talk to her when she is in a good mood to see if you can find out what is going on with her. There may be things that are frustrating her and she is acting out over the little things because she is already upset. I would give her space when she asks for it to help her get through this time. I would always go back to it though after she has had some cool off time. Consistency is key when disciplining, especially when she acts out violently. So, I would say be consistent and clear that her behavior is unacceptable while trying to talk to whenever you can to help her figure out why she is acting out and what you can do to help. It sounds like a difficult situation, I hope things get better for the both of you.

I have a 16 yr old daughter too. She is also intelligent but can get very dramatic & emotional. She has 2 older brothers, 18 & 21.We have strict rules compared to other families but we also try to allow them to express their feelings. They can be angry but not abusive or destructive.The most important fact I have learned about raising kids is their brains are not fully developed until the early twenties!
I would never want to relive my teen years & that emotional, hormonal roller coaster. Being a teen in today's world is even more difficult then when we were growing up. Try to give her the time & space she needs with love.