Advice - Virginia Beach,VA

Something that works for me (I have a teenaged stepdaughter who I've known since she was about 6) is to not take it personally, not escalate the argument and let her chose her consequences. Example: Kid says something smart. Instead of yelling, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?" You can say, "Care to repeat that?" Whether she does nor not you can say, "Since you have a bad attitude, you can either stop right now or go to your room for half an hour."

Or you can say, "It doesn't matter how you feel about it. You still have to do the dishes. And if you deliberately do them wrong, you get to do them again."

If you're really at wit's end, you can tell her that she can either do what you told her or go to time out and you'll be back in two minutes to deal with it.

I also agree with picking your battles. Not every door slam gets addressed in our house. Sometimes it's just better to let her go and deal with her when she's calmed down.

Hang in there.

My son's doctor told it to me like this: water the roses (neutral to good behavior), pull the weeds (the absolutely unacceptable, never okay stuff) and ignore everything else. You have to decide what is a weed, like hitting, ugly words, etc. Then the part you ignore is the way she does things. For example, you ask her to go put away her clothes. Even if she stomps and grumbles under her breath, as long as she eventually gets it done and there are no weeds along the way, you ignore HOW she does it. Once she figures out that roses gets good reactions and attention from you, then the bad stuff should begin to go away or lessen. Also, I've found that my son had his own timetable. He moves slow for everything unless it is a running game! I just have to give him tons of extra time to get things done, as he will surely get distracted along the way. Otherwise I wind up yelling at him to hurry up all the time. Good luck!

My daughter is sassy also - she is very stubborn and opinionated. She does not talk back to us all the time - but when she starts getting an attitude or saying something with the wrong tone of voice, I immediately nip it in the bud and make her start over. I think a lot of times they have not learned how to get their way or get their point across in an appropriate way, so they resort to the whiny, sassy or belligerent behavior, but if you show them a better way of responding or asking or what have you, then they will have the resources to better get what they want. For instance, my daughter started getting an attitude when she asked for some ice cream. My husband HATES when she talks like that....so he immediately said no. So, I explained to him that she was just trying to convey her feelings, but did not have the right tools to do so, so I spoke with her and had her ask nicely and convinced my husband to say yes the second time to prove to her that she didn't have to get an attitude and she should approach us with kind words, etc. And she has gotten better. However, I do not get as offended as my husband does because I don't always view her talking back as a bad thing - first of all, I can relate - I am also very stubborn and opinionated....but also, I view strong, independent girls as having a potential to become strong, independent teens, women, etc....and I would rather raise a girl to stand up for herself so she will not succumb to peer pressure or be a pushover when others want her to try drugs, have sex, break the rules, etc. She will be able to stick to her stubborn roots and just say no to them as well as she can express her opinions to us. So, look at it as an unacceptable way to communicate with you, teach her the right way to respond, but don't let if anger or offend you - appreciate her for her opinions and ability to express them. :)

You need to find her currency. What does she prize? TV? Computer? Friends? When she mouths off, take her "currency" away for a day. Do NOT give it back. If she mouths off again, add a day. She will whine and beg for it back, but you need to be strong. Do NOT give it back or she wins. She CANNOT win. ever.

As for the doing things and taking her time, set the timer. She needs a consequence for not getting it done in time...

YMMV
LBC

Goodness, I feel the same way with my 4 year old. You're lucky if you got to 7!!

I would suggest picking your battles. Give her a long leash and let her drag her feet as much as she wants if it doesn't matter. Give he as much independence as you can and try to foresee problems before they arise. For instance if you know she takes forever to get ready for school, get her up 20 minutes early.

However, I would make it clear that some things are unacceptable. Nasty words and tones of voice, for instance. In a calm moment, tell her you do not like some of the things she is doing, be specific with examples. Tell her the consequences. If I hear this again, then this is what will happen - take away tv time, computer time, toys, whatever her currency is. Just let her know ahead of time and then follow through consistently.

As far as loing your temper... look at it this way. It only makes you miserable if you yell. And it teaches her a negative way of dealing with frustration. Try to be calm and walk away from a bad situation even if you are really mad. Don't give her attention for misbehaving. Go read a book instead. And try as much as possible to let her suffer the natural consequences of her actions. If she doesn't study her spelling list, let her deal with the teacher the next day. If she doesn't get dressed in time one morning, maybe she goes to school hungry (one day!!). If she doesn't pick up her toys, you do it and she doiesn't see them for a week.

Good luck.

I have a 5 year old son who also has a very smart mouth. I am trying to address it right now before it goes to far. I started off telling him how rude it is to talk back to mommy and then I told him once he is asked to do something he is to do it with out a smart remark and he is to do it right away or he will be punished..... So now once I say something once thats it. If a remark comes out of his mouth I simply say no toys, TV or whatever. He gets so mad but he has learned to stop doing it. It worked like a charm. I will not say anything twice. It really shocks him because as fast as that smart remark comes out, I say no TV....

Its amazing how I can see him thinking it now but he does not say it. lol... kids can be such a joy but they really do test you. Just show her that Mommy is not to be disrespected and that you respect her as well.

I don't know if I have advise so much as the ability to empathize. My daughter is almost 7 (in about a month) and exactly the same. I have gotten really tired of it and started coming down pretty hard on her. I have stopped giving her warnings about her behavior. Now the first time she is disrespectful she goes to timeout. If she has a sassy comeback she gets to go to her room for timeout. I have only been doing it for a few days but it seems to be pretty effective so far. Good luck.