Adopting Grandson

My sister and her husband took care of the child their 16 year old daughter gave birth to. The child has always called them mom and dad even tho as she has grown she knows who her mother is. It has worked out well this way. AF

I think that having him call you Mommy and Daddy at this young age after having different names for you for 2 years would be confusing to him. You could try adjusting the names to Mama or Meemaw and Papa. That should be pretty straight forward. My kids had different names for their grandparents then their cousin, but they were around him so much that they started using his g'parent names for them and their original names aren't really used anymore.
Just my 2 cents.
M.

Hello there. My name is Pamela I am a mother of 4 and a grandma of 1. I have had a similar situation but in stead of my grand child, I am raising my niece for the 3ed and finale time in her life. We now have custody of her. The 1st time we had her she was only 2 months old til about a yr. The 2ed time she was 2-4yrs old. Both times her parents were homeless. Now 15-18yrs because of troubles with her parents. But we have always taught her we are aunt & uncle & never put down her parents. That is for her to judge not us. She has done fine in school with the status of aunt & uncle not mom & dad. Because of the fact a lot of kids these days are being raised by others. My 18yr old son has a very good friend who has been raised by his grandparents for all of his life. Her & I are very good friends for 10yrs now. She has always taught him the same she is grandma. He has had no problem with this in school, all the kids still treat him the same regardless of who is raising him. Like I said this is quite popular these days (being raised by others instead of your natural parents). Yes sometimes kids are cruel to others but I believe if you raise your grandchild to be confident with himself he will have no problem with this in his life. Well I hope I helped a bit. Best of luck to you and your family. I will pray for you all so that God will help you make the right choice in your situation. Best of luck, Pamela

i wouldnt do any pretending in this situation.
you are not to be rude but clearly much older than other parents to children of his age so it will become obvious that something is up.

and the fact that he has siblings that you are not adopting this could cause some problems between them and your grandson.

i would be honest and let him know that you are doing the best for him and tell him that you love him even more because he is your grandson, you are already blood related and so there for no where near a "care taker"

and by the way good for you for stepping up to the plate,
and not making him suffer the state option.

don't hide the fact that you are adopting your grandson it is some thing to be proud of not ashamed. it is your kids the birth parents that are going to have to do the explaining, not you.

we have s similar situation on my husbands side of the family.

my heart goes out to you and your grandson.

I think your grandson will be more concerned with your ages compared to his friends parents, then about why he's not living with mom and dad.

I was raised by my grandparents, and I never was ashamed to tell people that I did. When I was little the other kids used to ask why I didn't live with my parents, but I always had something to tell them. On the other hand, there was a kid in my class with older parents, and it was very akward for him, because his parents weren't the normal.

I have always called my parents mom and dad, and always loved them, but my aunts and uncles treat me like their sibling as well, and I was always thankful for my grandparents. I hope all that just made sense, sorry for rambling.

I would suggest not changing things. He is old enough that it will be very confusing for him. He will know you are his parents regardless of what he calls you, and if he is estranged from his parents, he may choose to call you Mom and Dad when he is older. But he knows that he has a "Mommy" and "Daddy" and even if that is not a good relationship, I am sure it holds some meaning for him that you should not take from him. I don't think you should replace those terms for him.

Alternativelly, you could come up with different jargon that doen't replace Mommy and Daddy. You could be Papa and Mama or Dad and Mom or Pa and Ma - whatever - frankly, I think Poppy and Mimi are sweet and very similar to Papa and Mama (It doesn't sound liek Grandma and Grandpa).

You could also ask him. He is young, but it's an option. I just wonder (depending on how the relationship is with the biological parents) if that would be too much pressure for him or cause him angst over feeling somehow like he was disloyal or was losing the woman he knows as "Mommy" regardless of her role. It really comes down to the fact that the names mean less to him and will mean less to him than the roles you have in his life.

The other thing to remember is that he will know you are his grandparents, and he will ask about not living with Mom and Dad. It doesn't matter what he calls you. Even if you tried to keep it a secret, which is proably a very bad idea, I assume you look a bit older than a lot of his peers' parents and that will be noticable to him and his friends at some point.

Hope I expressed myself okay. Congratulations on the adoption, even though I am sure you wish the circumstances might have been differnt. Enjoy him!!

We, also, are rearing our grandson who is now 7 1/2. Our daughter passed away when he was 18 months. We have complete custody. His father sees him on most weekends. Although we are a bit younger (50's), he calls us what the other grandkids call us. Once in a while (I think to feel like he fits in) he'll call me Mom in front of his friends. He knows who his father is and calls him Daddy.

Especially since your grandson has other siblings, I feel it would be easier for him to understand that you are his grandparents, just as you are to the others. How would you explain who his Mom and Dad are if YOU are Mom and Dad? When he gets to school other kids will ask/tease him about how old his parents are. That's just the way kids are. If he explains that you are his grandparents, it will stop. As far as why he doesn't live with his parents, that question never has come up.

Believe me, you are not alone in this. More and more children in this country are being reared by their grandparents. I'll bet none of us planned on rearing a second family, but we wouldn't have it any other way! Good Luck.

I suggest sticking to Poppy and Mimi. When your child is 12 and is seen with you he may get picked on if people think that his parents are "older" (no offense!) Also, it doesn't matter who raises you or how you are taken care of--so if it's Mom/Dad that do it or the grandparents the child will only care that they are loved. Also, don't you want your grandchild to know that his parents are who they are in terms of "mom and dad?" When he starts putting two and two together he'll need to know that he came from his Mom and Dad and not from you--but if he refers to you as Mom and Dad then he may think that you are his biological parents. How confusing for him! Kids are raised by their grandparents every day and they learn to respect those who love and care for them regardless if their title is the traditional "mom and dad."

My mother adopted my brothers children and i highly suggest you leave it at Poppy and Mimi. I wouldn't suggest changing it. I think that would confuse him. NOW he might change it on his own in the future and that's fine. But weather you adopt him or not to him you are Poppy and Mimi and you shouldn't confuse him by changing your name. Alot of grandparents take on grandchildren and there is no shame in it and he will learn that also. You will come to realize aside of asking if that is what happened he will not question it. My Niece and Nephew don't they are now 13 and 14 and have no trouble understanding what happened. Their parents couldn't be their parents and you were happy to step in. Good luck with your future.

It's not the name that matters, it's what the child feels when he says the name. I'm sure he already feels "mommy" and "daddy" when he calls you by the current names, so I wouldn't mess with it. It'll only confuse him. A name is just a name, the important thing is the sentiment behind it. To him "Poppy" and "Mimi" may very well identify the parental bonds you already have with him. Making him feel secure and loved has nothing to do with what he calls you and has everything to do with you just being there, listening to him, caring for him, giving him that unconditional love and giving him the boundaries all children need to really thrive....which is basically to say, being his parents. I have friends who call their parents by their first names. Once I asked one of them, wouldn't you rather call them mom and dad, and the response I got was "Susan means Mom to me and Rick means Dad, it's the same thing in my eyes".

You are in a delicate situation and I commend you for making your family your priority. I would leave your monikers as they are, that's what he is comfortable with. As he grows, many questions will evolve as he begins to "compare" families. It's best to face them head on and honestly. Your names are just that, to him you are Mommy & Daddy and that's what Mimi & Poppy mean to him. Best wishes with everything. I am an "older" mother and my little ones (almost 2, 4 and almost 6) wear me out! I like to think that they keep me young (and humble). :)

I think it's fabulous what you are doing! Don't worry about him feeling out of place when he gets to school. Today's families are made of up so many different people.

Even if he's the only one whose grandparents are raising him, he won't feel weird if you continue to handle it as though it is normal and natural and that he is wanted and cherished. It's not about what he calls you. And, sensitive teachers can bridge the understanding and acceptance of every child's unique situation.

I have a stepson who lives with us half the time. His mother, his father and I are all very active in his life and school. We have always told him how lucky he is to have so many parents and so many people to take care of him and love him - even if he doesn't see them every day. In his preschool there were no other kids without both parents and I worried that he would feel uncomfortable. But, one day he told his teacher that he was lucky to have so many parents (I'm sure that sentiment will change when he hits his teens!!).

I remember one holiday party at my son's school where one of his classmates asked his mother who she was. She told him she was my son's mother. The child was really confused because he knew I was also his mother. I happen to be standing nearby and told him that our son has two mothers! He thought that was the COOLEST! :)

I have a nephew and a cousin, both of whom are teens have been raised by their grandparents since they were babies because their parents are not fit. Both see their parents from time to time and call them Mommy and Dadddy. It doesn't chane their love for their parents or their grandparents. But, they naturally turn to their grandparents for comfort, help, to share their joys and troubles. They know who's been there for them. They know who's really raised them.

C., you are a blessing to this child and his sister too! I strongly agree with the others who posted that you should not confuse him by changing what he calls you; he well knows who "mommy and daddy" already are, and they're not you. Also, consider that if his siblings call you Poppy and Mimi, but he doesn't, that sets him apart from them in his mind and theirs, which is even more confusing to him and to them as well, and could distance him from them. One other thought: If, in spite of all the advice given here and your own misgivings about being called "mommy and daddy," your husband still insists on this change, try having your husband talk with a neutral, professional third party like a counselor or child psychologist. I would almost bet money that any such professional who deals with kids would advise against any name change! Some people need to hear that kind of "no" from a third party if they won't listen to their spouse. Good luck -- you are a wonderful grandparent and your grandson will grow up knowing you're ones who truly raised him, no matter what the labels.

I think that since there are other grandchildren, his siblings that still call you poppy and mimi that this grandchild should too. That way it preserves the bond that he has with his siblings and there wont be the confusion of his relationship to other members of the family. Of course he will have questions someday about why he isn't living with "mommy and daddy" even if he is calling your mom and dad those questions will surface eventually. I think it is important to be honest with him from the very beginning and when he asks questions say that he is a very lucky little boy to have so many family members that love him. He not only has a mommy and daddy but he ALSO has another mommy and daddy, you and poppy and that families come in all types and the important thing is that they love each other.

A rose is a rose is a rose. What he calls you isn't important. I personally think variations on a name are cute (my girl calls me mommya) and Mimi and Poppy are so close to mommy and daddy if that is important to your husband. Plus while you are his caregivers, you aren't his mother and father. At his young age what he calls you is likely to morph anyway. He's had a lot going on in his young life. I wouldn't make an issue of this. Love and security are instilled, not granted because of a title. Good luck.

He will feel loved and secure because you love him, not b/c he calls you mommy and daddy. I say go with what feels natural and not forced.

My husband was raised by his grandparents and called them both by their first names (long story, but he chose it and they never made him change). He knew/knows who his birth parents are and will tell you to this day that his now deceased grandparents were his "mother" and "father."

Just love him and he'll be fine even w/ these "alternative" arrangements.

Hi C.,

He's going to feel secure and loved because you ARE loving him and providing him a secure home!!! Doesn't really matter what he calls you two. I would be inclined to not force Mommy and Daddy on him. When he gets to school you all will find that kids have ALL sorts of living arrangements not just mom and dad at home. In my son's class he was one of just 4 kids who actually lived with his mom and dad under one roof. There were all kinds of combo of living arrangements for the other kids, grandparents, one parent, aunts, etc.

Oh and kudos to you for making the 'lemonade' and giving him a solid home :)
Take care, S.

C.,
I have a friend whose natural born children have always called her Mimi. I thought it was odd that she wouldn't want to be Mommy or Mom but she said Mimi worked for them. Her kids are now teenagers and have never thought that their Mimi was anything other than their Mother.

I would be honest with your son. He is going to be adopted by two very loving and caring parents. No matter what you and Poppy are called, you will be his mother and father. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your upcoming adoption.
K.

I applaud you for doing what you are doing with such thought and care. My opinion(which is just that) is that you keep popi and mimi because the child does have parents, they just aren't there. Later on, regardless of what happens he will ask about them if only to say why do you look different from all the other parents. I don't see any point in keeping the situation away from him and letting him know about whats going on in ways that are appropraitae for his age amke sense to me. Kids always know more than we give them credit for. HE may not know exactly whats happening, but something's going on, if you know what I mean. THe great thing is that he knows that he is loved and will have people who love and care for him thru whatever happens.

Whatever you do, I'm sure you will pick the way that will work best.
A.

Hi C.,

I am the adoptive mom of 2 very beautiful and active little girls. They call my husband and me Mommy and Daddy, because they have NO relationship with their birth parents. Since your grandson was part of your family before adoption, I would recommend keeping the "relationship" the same. The legalities of custody do not really need to change anything for him. He still has a "Mommy and Daddy" that for whatever reason he does not live with, and he has a "Mimi and Pappy" who love him and are raising him. He will need to be raised understanding the reasons and the relationships (in age appropriate terms) if he will have contact with his siblings and possibly birth parents over the years. You do not want to be at a family bar-b-que in 6 years and have one of his sibs tell him that you are not really his parents along with some convoluted story about why.

There is a wonderful book that I can recommend about this subject. Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child - Making Sense of the Past by Keefer and Schooler. Also, www.TapestryBooks.com is full of useful books for you AND him on adoption and with an adoption theme. Hey, even Tarzan was adopted, and he turned out well.

Link me directly if you would like to know more about how I discuss adoption with my now 3 and 4 y/o girls.

Congratulations.

S.

Hi C.! First...CONGRATULATIONS!!! How very exciting! I am a foster care clinical director...so I oversee a foster care program. My advice is to keep things the way they are so as not to confuse the situation any more. There are AWESOME books out there to help explain the situation at each level that can also prompt age appropriate discussions. It truly doesn't matter what he calls you...you both ARE his mom and dad! Feel secure in that! Yes, things will be slighly awkward at times, but families are made up in many different ways which is what makes them unique! His mom and dad will always be in his life given that they are related to you...so explain at his level that they were unable to care for him and you and Poppy loved him so much you were so excited to have him come live with you! Hope this helps! If you have further questions, speak to your social worker or browse a bookstore! Best of luck!

D.

My parents are raising their almost 8 year old grandson. They go by Nana and Papa.

One way to think about all this is that his love and attachment will be to you two no matter what he calls you. And by the time he is a teenager he is going to know the whole story anyway. Plus grandparents raising grandkids is pretty normal now adays he may never bring it upmore than a few times (sad but true, HOwever I have found that my nephew is thriving with my parents!).

R.

Even though he is so young I would be as honest as possible with him. Eventually he will figure out who his bilogical parents are. This discovery usually will come during those difficult pre-teen years and he will be more likely to harbor resentment towards you or his biological parents because he's been lied too.

I have a 6 1/2 year old step-daughter who has only known me to take care of her. As hard as it to let her know I'm not her biological mom I do, because I know it will only help her in the future. She has chosen to call me Mommy on her own, and she refers to her biological mother as Kim. We let that be her own decision.

It is good to hear your grandson has such wonderful grandparents who are willing to care for him and provide him with the best life possible. Keep up with the good work.

My vote is he still call you Mimi and Poppy. You are his biological grandparents, and obviously he's had quite a bit of pain and changes going on if both of his parents have been deemed unfit to raise him. It might only be more confusing why his siblings call you Mimi and Poppy, but he has to call you Mommy and Daddy. At least for now. When he is older and understands things better, he might decide to give you a different title that better expresses his deep love for you both, honors your biological position in his life, and his new legal status. It'll probably be even more special to you then if he calls you something like Me-Ma and Pops.

I would leave your name what it is now. Changing your name would be more traumatic for him. He wouldn't understand why, and it would induce stress. When he gets older and asks questions, the living situation can be explained to him at the level he would understand.

L.

My mom is raising/adopted my sisters two boys and thay have and always will cal them granny anad papa. I think it is basicly lying to them by letting them believe you are their parents. Then of course there will be the day when it all comes out, sad and confusion fo rthe kids. I say truth is best. The most important thing is the kids are loved and safe. My sisters boys go preK and K and both are doing quite well. You may be suprised how many kids are not being raised by their parents. The kids are not that interested in why some kids have a mom and dad and some don't. When familly day shows up and it is explained the kids will be on to something else before the whole story is out. I am glad your grandchildren have someone that loves them enough to be this concerned but I think as long as there is love and saftey in their lives, all will work out.
T.