My Fear Is.....

My sister and I are 15 years apart. No sibs in between. We are VERY close and even live on the same block. Sibs are what you make them to be...if you want them close, they will be.

J.,

Firstly, good on you for studying. There is never a perfect age or time to have kids....I was 35 for my first, and 40 for my second. No problems with either one, thankfully! Whilst they are 5 and a half years apart, they adore each other, and the older one can help out, and we do fun things together when the younger one is asleep. Kids are so different there is no guarantee they will bond no matter what the age difference. Good luck!

J.~ Growing up, I had a sister that was 12 years older than me, a brother who was nine years, and another brother that was 3 years older. So yes, the nine and 12 years were a BIG difference for me, but my two brothers that are 6 years apart are very close- best friends in fact. So while no one can guarantee that any siblings will be close (regardless of age), it is possible. And you always have another option, after this baby you can have one more so they will be close in age, that is what my parents did! =)

Hog wash! I am the baby of 7 kids. I have a relationship with each of my siblings and really it is all based on the individuals. Now although some of "those" siblings don't really get along with others in our same family, I get along and am "bonded" with each of them/ differently. So I think it totally has to do with the personality of the individuals involved.... and their choices about friendship beyond the family relationships.

My oldest sister is like 13 years older and I LOVE her to death and we are pretty close and always have been. I could never imagine my life now with out her should my mother and father have chosen not to have me, "their little extra surprise", when they thought they were done with having kids , having had had 6 already !!! I will spare you the descriptions of the closeness with each of the middle siblings , However....
My next closest sibling is my sister whom is not quite 6 years older than myself and she is truly one of my closest friends today, off and on. She was the Matrin/Maid of honor . We live about an hour apart today, and oddly enough she started her family later in life and we were either pregnant back and forth the first two times and then our third ( all daughters for both of us too! ) daugthers were born two weeks apart. The cousins are best friends too, sooooo it is MY opinion that you can be as close and not as close as you choose to be/ MAKE TIME to be!

Friendship comes and goes based on personal choice when it comes to family. Excepting eachothers faults and strengths as they come along. Again, it is all in how the individual chooses to look at the relationship really.

My oldest brother is 15 years older than I and I love him for who he is and not for what he isn't. The others in between are all unique as well, and that is the way we were raised to be. I remember Mom saying she had some woman one time from church who'd asked her ( "annoyed by the appearance of all those kids I guess") how she could love that many children and didn't she love one more than another or which one was her favorite ( something to this effect), and MOM was just as equally as annoyed with this woman's audacity, and said.....

" God loves each of them differently and yet the same, and so do I :O)! " Go Grandma! ...LOL!

Anyways, suffice to say.... your kids will be as well adjusted with the difference in age as they choose to be! You can just love them for who they are and involve them with eachother as much as possible while they are young and let them choose for themselves if they wish to remain in a friendship beyond the family bond...Unfortuneately that has "relative"-ly little to do with their "raising", or "age difference"
.... in MY opinion!
I doooo tend to be on the defense of this with my girls though, knowing this point of view has a potential effect on their future. I am ALWAYS saying that
"sister's are the only ones who will still be there when it seems the world has cast you out...."
AND , something my sister says which I have chosen to add now too, is that
" A sister/sibling is the only one who will still remember that really hideously bad hair cut when you were 9 & she was 15 & still defend it; or when "so and so" really made you mad when she borrowed that favorite shirt and had the audacity to wear it to school; and still be upset with/for you .... for the record! :O)

....It's those moments that only a family member could share and remember, so point them out along the way NOW for just in case a time comes when they should forget when they get older and you are no longer there to defend the right to be a family! LOL !!!
:O)THAT in and of itself , will also give them one more thing to have in common ...the fact that MOM always was trying to make everyone remember those moments! :o)

Oh and PS...
MY mother was 43 when she had me. My sister's girls were born ( I think based on my age, lol) when she was 36, 38 , 42. I was 31 , 34, & 36 with my children. Had them naturally, without drugs, and the last two were born at home! So don't believe everything you read either like the one responder noted.

Go to school , then have more kids . Go back to work when you choose to, or work from home! Your family is going be just great, and possibly a bit bigger to boot! Best of Blessings to you!

We have only a 3.2 yr difference in two of our children who just have never gotten along, the biggest gap we have. However, my oldest has bonded fine with the younger children, 5 yrs difference and more. I think the biggest disservice our generation has done to causing sibling rivalry and apathy in our children, is to teach them that it is "normal". Telling them that they may feel jealous or feel like their space has been invaded, etc. THAT makes it true. If you tell your children how blessed the family is, how excited we are about this baby, etc. THAT prevents most of the negative feelings that kids can have. Yes, it is "normal" to have those feelings, but to feed them is wrong and certainly will cause problems. Involving the children in the baby's care will help bond them too.

I was worried a little about the oldest bonding with number 7, especially since my oldest went away for 5 mos of his infancy. Well, God certainly took care of that, because shortly after my son came home, my youngest had to have heart surgery and had several other hospitalizations. Well, one would think this would have caused more negative feelings because of all the individual attention the baby was getting. People always asked how he was doing. But, that isn't how it worked out. The children absolutely dote on him and love on him, and can't get enough of him. We nearly lost him before the surgery, and the surgery saved his life from certain major problems and possible death. The children seem to appreciate each other a little more since this eye opener.

So, all this to say that children and us will grow through adversity. Even if it is just a few extra years that will cause you to assist in their bonding just a little bit more.

I have a 19, 14 & 3 1/2 year old son's.... They do bond, but differently than those that are closer in age. The oldest and youngest have a great bond, the little guy adores his big brother. The middle two are at an age now where they tattle tale.... So yes they will bond, but it will be a little different since your oldest understands a bit more in life.

The biggest hurdle right now comse from the youngest asking why he can not just go outside like his big brothers....LOL

And most importantly - I would not want these guys any closer in age.... I have so much to enjoy with each of them, that the age difference does not matter to our family.

Also - My third one was born when I was 35. With today's technology and what the doctors know they will watch you closer and make sure nothing happens to you or the baby if you choose to wait a bit longer. I had to have a couple of extra tests done and extra sonogram's and they wanted to do an amnio. But I did refusethe amnio, as I personally never found information where the test was very accurate and I did not want to worry myself or the family over any possible defects, because we were keeping the baby no matter what God gave us.

I hopw that this helps and if you have any more questions, feel free to ask....

I'm 5 years apart from my next sibling and my husband 7 years. I do find the bonding thing to be true. We talk to our brother and sister but we're not super close with them. It just seems like we're hitting different stages at all different times- not much in common. Hopefully that'll change as they all get older.

Well, all of my children are 6 years apart. They are 19, 13 and 6. No, they never played together like other siblings but they are close in a different way. My 6 year old goes to my 19 year old daughter like a second mother. My 13 year old looks up to her older sister because she is older and trust her opinion on things. We discovered the trick is to do family things but let the older two bring friends so they have someone their age but yet we are still doing family stuff. Their friends think it is cool and that way we get to know their friends better and one of us is always the younger one's playmate. Siblings are siblings, it depends on the family as to what the outcome is so don't worry. And, I had my 6 year old in my 30's. The pregnancy was more tiresome because I was so busy with the older ones but I'm a better mother to him because I am smarter and have more patience.

Good luck,
D.

J., the 2 may not be as close while young but they will be fine. It's how you raise them. My sister and I are 7 years apart and best friends. While were younger we didn't have much in commen. When I was in high school she was elamentary and Jr. High and stuff like that. But we have always loved each other and I was alway very protective of her. My grandmother and her sister were 15 years apart and very very close until the day my aunt died and she was in her 80's. so don't worry about it. Have your kids when it is best for your family and you feel it's right.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Okay, first off...don't go getting pregnant during school. You guys came up with this plan because it is supportive of your goals as an individual AND a mother. One article means nothing...and it's not really fair for your DH to try to use it in this way. What a guilt trip!

There are also articles out there that state that all women should stay at home with their children because working hurts their little psyches. And other articles that say the exact opposite. Make your own assumptions.

Children don't bond for many reasons. Correlation does not always equal causation. Perhaps because they are doing different activities...because there are different expectations...because they have different friends. If parents work to combine activities, expectations and friendships so a bond is required of them, a bond will form!

Come to your own conclusions...without the article.

Also...post 30 your baby will be JUST as healthy as at age 28. Don't ask for people's obscure horror stories to try to uphold your side of the argument...stand your ground. If you aren't ready to have a baby until the time you and your DH agreed on previously, then say that.

Hi J.,

I can tell you about my experience. I am a 45 year old mom, I have a 2 year and 9 mo old toddler, and a 8 year old boy. They have bonded very well. During my last pregnancy, I told my older boy that having a baby brother was going to be beautiful, but not easy. He asked so many questions, and I answered to him in a very warm and clear way about his soon to be little brother. He asked me if my love and my time for him was going to diminish..I said .."My love never ever is going to be less, at the contrary is going to be bigger and bigger, and remember that you are my first baby. I am going to share my love among you, the baby, and dad because my heart is huge!..but, honestly, my time is going to be shorter because babies and little brothers need a lot of help." Since then, even when it is very hard to do it, I dedicate at least one hour just for my older kid to be just with him, to watch a movie, to talk, to play, to read.....It is hard especially when you have another baby, but I always try to give the older one attention, and help with his homework, and also find games or movies to watch all of us three (and dad when is at home)..Both of the kids run and play, together a lot, and the little one wait for his older brother so excited after he gets home from school, the same thing with my older kid,the first thing he does is giving the little one a big "squeeze" (that's what they say when they hug each other!)..and spending some time with his little brother. Of course there will be fights..absolutely, but that is a normal part of growing up together, don't get discouraged for that..it is normal and will happen! You just will have to be patient, and when the moods are not good, you just keep them apart (one watching a movie or reading and another one in the kitchen painting..etc)It is not easy, but you will enjoy it! One thing that helps a lot is find something that the older one likes to share with the little one..My older kid loves to read to his little brother, and they spends hours reading together...

I am the youngest in my family. and mu sisters are 8 and 12 years apart from me! we had great times! we had fights and differences....I moved out of town and still we all three are the best friends..they are my best friends, believe me! I know there are other experiences, but that was mine. Just be patient and very creative if you make the decision to have kids after 30....it is very rewarding....a different experience at this age though..
Good luck!
Alejandra

I can tell you that I am ten years older than my brother and 3.5 years older than my sister and I am extremely close to both of them. Since my mom died when he was ten I may be a little overprotective of him, motherly, as my husband says but even when he was little and Mom was still with us he was the joy of our whole families world. I don't think you should worry about it. And I was 27 when I had my youngest daugter but have several friend, aunts, and my sister that had babies in their thirties and may be a little more tired but they are enjoying it greatly. I think they may be a little less stressed with little problems than younger parents are.

My two boys are 7 years apart. My oldest loves his little brother and wants to do anything he can to help. My little guy thinks the world revolves around his older brother. I don't know if any of that has to do with the fact that all my oldest wanted was a little brother or sister for the longest time, and was so excited when he finally got one. But he told us the other day that he still wants a little sister.
Now my oldest sister and I are 19 years apart and there are 5 and 4 years differance between me and my other sisters. My oldest sister and I get along very well, we have a lot in common and share alot of the same mannerisms. My other 2 sisters I lived with growing up and yes we have our fair share of arguements but they are all my best friends. As a matter of fact I have always gotten along better with my sister that is 5 years older than me.
I personally don't believe the age differance is all that big of an issue.
Good Luck.

I have two brothers - one is 2 years younger the other is 7 years younger. I am close to both, but in different ways. The one closest in age to me - we seem to have more in common and talk more often. But I am still close to the youngest just in a different way - he's always the baby or young one in my eyes.

And by the way - 30 is not old to be having a baby!!! Lots of women are choosing to wait to have children. I had my son when I was 31 and everything is great. In fact I think I was better prepared than many of my friends were when they had their children younger. We also plan on having more. So don't worry about your age - just do what is right for your family.

I had my youngest when my oldest was 5.5y/o. They are now 2.5 & 8 yrs old, both boys. I can say they do have their bonding moments, my odlest will try to teach the youngest something, or watch TV together or read.... BUT at the same time, older brother has taught little brother some nasty habits! Such as wrestling, and mean words (stupid, dumb etc), and just how to be a pain in the butt. Which is now biting my oldest in the butt and he wishes he HAD listened when we told him don't teach your brother that etc... Big bro will try to wrestle with little bro, but when big bro wants to stop, lil bro is still wanting to go at it! So they also have their fighting moments.... Sadly a bit more so then the good ones, but they are both at that age, where one is in terrible twos and the other

On the sibling issue, my brother and I are 7-1/2 years apart. We were not very close growing up but are very close now. So if you do have another baby and they're more years apart than you had maybe imagined and they don't seem like they'll ever get along, they probably will when they're grown up. And I figure we spend most of our lives as grown ups, so a few years of un-closeness as kids shouldn't matter if that turns out to be the case.

I had my first at 33 and we've done just fine! Hopefully we'll have one or two more, but we don't really have the luxury of choosing to space them apart more than about 2 years each. Speaking for myself, I definitely had more energy in my 20's but I feel more mature and resourceful in my 30's. As with anything else, there are advantages and disadvantages to either if you sit down and make a list, but I'm sure I would have been fine if I'd had him in my 20's and I'm sure I'll be fine if I have more in my 30's - and so will you! Do what feels right to you and enjoy what you have. Good luck!

Don't worry about closeness and bonding. Siblings are siblings. My kids are 24, 21, 13 and almost 3. They are all very close. The two oldest are close simply because of the age difference and the fact that it was just them for 8 years. They are, however, very close with the 13 year old and even the little one. The 24 year old moved in with us 2 years ago and was always spending time with his siblings. I don't believe it has anything to do with age. I think it is all about being a family and raising your kids to understand that you are a family and family comes first. My 13 year old son absolutely adores his 2 year old sister and she is the same way with him. When all my kids are home and together the age differences go right out the window. They love each other equally and deeply.

My mom comes from a rather large family and there are 12 kids. They are all very close and age means nothing.

My siblings are all 3 to 12 years younger than me and for a very long time I was closer to the 2 younger ones who were 5 and 12 years younger than me, than I was the one closer to my age. As we have become adults age means nothing.

Have your baby when you are ready. Children love each other, nothing else matters.

my kids are 16, 13, and 8. boy, girl, boy. They all get along well but the boys aren't bonded as close but do get along and even share a room. my daughter and the youngest are very bonded and still get along great but she has always adored her little brother and when he was born she was always there to help take care of him and spoiled him a lot. I do think the boys are too far apart to be really close. a 16 year old has a lot different interests than an 8 yr old. He is into cars, video games, working, and hanging out with friends his age. the 8 yr old is still into toys. Although the boys do have some things in common like hunting and fishing trips with Dad and they do play some video games together but the older one gets bored because the younger one can't play at the same difficulty level.
I would say that kids over 5 years apart probably don't bond as close but there is still a bond and can find some things to do together but a lot of other families I have seen with kids 7 years apart just fight constantly.
my kids were taught at a very young age that arguing and fighting with their siblings just isn't allowed so they get along pretty well. If they get irritated with each other they have learned to separate and go to another room and do something else away from the one that is bugging them. Then later you will see them doing things together again.
You do have to go with what works for your family though and if your life is too busy for a baby right now then it is better to wait. However I think when your daughter hits the preteen stage 10-12 she will get where everyone and everything annoys her and probably wouldn't enjoy having a baby around but some girls that age adore babies so could be different but I know my daughter would have been annoyed with a baby or toddler running around when she was 10-13. She does enjoy babysitting little kids though but is relieved when they go home after 2-4 hours and can have her own time to herself as she really plays with them and keeps them entertained while babysitting and the kids adore her but she likes having her time too.

In my family growing up, I was the oldest and I have one sister that is almost 3 years to the day younger than me and then one sister that is 10 1/2 years youunger than me. My sisters are closer now than when we were growing up, but while growing up, I would say that the youngest was closer to me as I was like the "relief mom". My younger sister that is closest to me in age and were close to some extent, but we also fought alot.

My sister has 4 boys. Two are three years apart, then there is a 5 year gap and then there is two more boys three years apart. The older two are close, the youngest two are close and the two younger ones are close to the oldest. He, like I, is the "relief parent". The two that are 5 years apart in age fight like cats and dogs. That's just what I have experienced.

If I have another child, there is going to be at least 5 years difference in age. I only have one child now and am single, so not looking to add any more children to our family at present. Should I marry, then we will see.

I have heard that as long as you have already had children, if you are older (and trust me, 30 is NOT old) it doesn't seem to be a big deal. They still watch for certain risks, but as long as you follow what doctor says, it really should be fine. I would ask your gynecologist or family practioner about your concerns and make your decisions from there. I had my first child at the age of 34. There were some issues, but it is because I already had some health issues to begin with. I did as my mid-wife instructed and took care of us. She was born perfect.

Well, you've gotten a lot of very different/similar responses, but I thought I would offer my story too. I'm 36 and just had my second son in October, so he is going on 3 months. My oldest is 12!! I too went back to school after 7 years of being out and had a much better experience, even going on to get my Masters - so GOOD FOR YOU!!! I was a single parent when I was going to school and it was challenging, but worth it.

When I got remarried last December, my husband and I knew we wanted another child, and had contemplated waiting, but with my son being close to being a teen, we decided not to. My oldest absolutely LOVES and ADORES his little brother, which is what I expected from him (he has a very loving, outgoing personality). So, there is a definite bond and no jealousy, at least so far. Plus, the baby already interacts sooo well with his brother, it is amazing!!! See, I figured if I waited too long, as a teenager he would be less engaged with a younger sibling, but since it happened now, I personally think being a "big brother" would keep him on track and have something to focus on (i.e. role model) as a teenager. I hope my strategy pays off!!

As far as the pregnancy, well, it was a little harder (more fatigue, longer recovery with c-section, etc.) than I remember with my first, but everything went fine otherwise.

Good luck! And tell your husband NOT to believe everything he reads. Everything will fall into place!

You create your own normal. The bonds your kids have are based upon the environment you foster. I grew up in a large family with a 14 year span between all of us. My youngest sister and I are 8 years apart. Although when I was a teenager we we're super close because our interests were totally different, now we talk every day- and she's my closest friend.
As for my own little family there is a 7 year gap between my oldest and youngest. My youngest is in love with his "YEA- YEA"(my oldest) and would much rather play with her than anyone else. She loves playing with him and is a tremendous help.
It can be a challenge when you have school aged kids who are in activities where you want to sit and watch them - but you have a toddler bouncing off the bleachers. But almost everyone there has been through the baby phase and I've found other parents very willing to help me out when I'm dealing with toddler issues so my older kids can still be involved.
Do what you want for your family. There are studies that can prove just about anything, but that means nothing about YOUR family.
We thought we were done after having two kids and then our little surprise guy arrived. It was the greatest blessing ever. I never knew our family wasn't complete until he showed up. So follow your heart!

I would find that information to be completely inaccurate! My brother is 7 years younger than me, and we have been close his whole life. My sister and I are only 16 months apart and we are close now, but we were not very friendly growing up. Having the much younger sibling is nice b/c you don't feel like you are competing with them in school or for your parents attention. I was able to help a lot with taking care of him, and I was past the point of needing that small child attention.

I've had all 3 of mine after 30 (30, 31 and 33) and they're just fine. It's after 40 that you should worry. Age between doesn't matter either. My husband is 9 yrs. younger than his 2 sisters and they're thick as thieves. Same with my BF whose boys are 8 yrs. apart.

I was 29 & 32 when I had my kids (and I don't think we are done having them) - I had no problems with my pregnancies or deliveries. As far as bond - my brother is 5yrs/5days older than me. We were very close when I was little (until I was around 7 or 8). Parents were divorced and we lived in different houses after that point. We still got along, but certainly weren't best friends, but I think we were in such different places developmentally, that we couldn't have the same relationship. After graduating high school we became closer again and now that we both are married and have kids we seem to have a good relationship. We are very different personalities, so I think any time we weren't super close - it was more because of our own personalities/developmental stage than anything. I'm extremely close to my sister-in-law and she is 10 years older than me. I think you should do what works for you... your kids will be fine!!
Also, my sister-in-law has 1, 11, 13 & 14 year olds and had her youngest when she was 42. She's not the picture of health, but her daughter turned out healthy, strong and her delivery went wonderfully! The older kids (even her son) are VERY close to the youngest and all are a LOT of help too. I don't necessarily think they'll have the same kind of bond that children close in age have, but there is a very strong bond nonetheless. Of anything, I feel badly for when the youngest starts dating... her boyfriends will have to answer to 5 people rather than just mom/dad. Good luck and I admire that you are continuing with your education! You go girl!

Hi my name is T. ,and i am a mom of three lovely boys and a girl with one on the way my boys are 11,9,9and my daughter is 17 monthsand to be honest it is great they love there sister and more helpful than i could have ever imagined as far as having a baby post 30 im having this one at 31and i think that it is far better than having one at 19 and 21 i have a lott more patience and enjoy it sooo much more good luck either way a baby is always a blessing.

I wouldnt worry about it to much it really depends on the kids if they will bond and get along. My brother and I are 5 years apart and we couldnt stand eachother when we were little lol !!! Now that we are adults we get along much better ! It also depends on how you treat the kids, my mother favored my brother over me because he was the baby ! So I resented him for it growing up. So my recommendation is treat them all equal and let them know they are all important to you and things should be great :)

My mom had my youngest brother when she was 40, she was a HEAVY smoker while pregnant (hated that btw) and my brother was healthy and is 8 yrs old now. I wouldnt worry about you being 30, that is still pretty young :)

My sister and I are 11 years apart. We weren't close when I was younger because she was gone at college when I was 7 years old but we are really close now that we are older. So I don't think it matters a sibling is a sibling and you will always have that bond.

I wouldn't worry about being over 30 when you are having the baby. I have had all 3 of my kids in my mid 30's and didn't have any problems at all.

Good luck and stick with your plan. Finish your schooling and then have another kid.

I had my first child at 33 and my second at 37! You are still so young and will be in 2010. Don't worry about that. My children are 4 1/2 years apart and my son loves his sister so much - not sure if I believe that article your husband found. Go with your gut and all will be well. Good luck!

My two youngest children are 6 and 7 years apart from our oldest son. we aer a close family and have encouraged that closeness in our children. The two youngest grew up as close as siblings could get. The older one although not as close still shares a bond with his siblings. The difference is the activities that a 17 year old are interested in are very different from those of a 10 year old. We realized this very early on and planned events and activities that were only for the family. By encouraging them to spend that family time together they have developed what we consider an age related closeness

They are now 21, 22, and 28. They have their own lives and their friends but when the chips are down, they are there for one another. They have shared experiences due to the many trips and outings we took. They can sit down and talk about things from an adult perspective.

You can not expect the same kind of closeness, or bonding from children who do not share the same age related activities. However you expect and encourage the family bond that comes through spending time together and enjoying one another.

I have two children and then two children after 35. The two groups are 6 years apart. One set to grow up with and one set to grow old with. HA HA.
Really, the older set of children are great with the younger set until the teen years. Teens just need space. J. finish your education and then think about more children.

me and my brother were 8 years apart and we didn't have much in common, but now I am 40 and he is 48 we get along great. my friend has 2 children and they are 8 years apart and they don't have much in common either now, he bugs the heck out of her. I have my daughter at 35 and had not problems, I did get gestational diabetes but that was not because of my age. My daughter was born fine and is doing great. I can understand you wanting to wait until after you graduate it makes sense. Good luck

30 is a fine age to get pregnant. I admire women who start raising children at 40, but am not sure I would have been up to that. At 51, I am eager for grandchildren!

As far as the sibling issue goes, there are so many variables that influence bonding. I know siblings 6 or more years apart that are very close. I think the age difference does affect the type of bond more than the strength of it. Children close to the same age are more likely to bond as peers, whereas a wide difference in age influences the relationship to become more of a mentor & admirer type of bond. The older child becomes an advisor and protector, while the younger tends to idolize and mimic the older one.

My brother who is more than 6 yrs my senior never really bonded with anyone but the sister 2 yrs my senior, no matter how I idolized him. Even their bond was not strong. But then, I think he has a bit of trouble bonding with his own children! Looking back, it wasn't so much an issue of ages as it was an issue of parenting. None of my siblings are close. We were never taught how to be. I've been more careful about that, even though I was only able to have one child. Our son enjoys a more healthy and strong bond with cousins than I have with my siblings.

The approach I recommend most often is found in a book called The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov. It is the most wonderful tool I ever found as a parent. When you learn to use the language of virtues with the children, they actually learn to use it with each other. I've seen it work as a parent and as a therapist working with learning difficulties. It is magic.

If you want to make more of yourself as a person and a mother, this is a book you might want to spend time with between semesters. Your children will be blessed for it and when they are teenagers, you will be so glad you learned virtue language!

I have three children, the eldest and the middle are only 3 years apart, and then my youngest is five years from the middle child. The middle child and the youngest get along the best, for all the five years between them. And they are opposite sex, whereas the eldest and middle are same sex. I personally think it just depends on the children's personalities. Although, birth order also has an effect. I was 32 when I had my youngest child and it's worked out fine! Congratulations on your continuing education. good for you!

Hi J.,

I have always had a better connection with my sister that is 8 years old than my sister that is 4 years older. Maybe I was the exception, but that's how it turned out in our fmaily.

My advice, don't start worrying about that. If you worry about it, then it will happen. Just go with the flow.

Best Wishes,

J. H

There are pros and cons to any child spacing. The larger the gap the more difficult it will be to find things that all the kids will want to do. Your older children are not going to want to watch Sesame Street when they are 9 and 12. Your infant or toddler is not going to enjoy watching the older siblings play sports. So, it is going to take some creative thinking to plan trips, activities, etc. But the issues caused my age differences disappear as the kids get older. I have on cousin with 21 and 19 year old daughters and a 7 year old son. She had built in baby sitters, but it was tough to do all the basketball, soccer, trips etc the older ones were doing with a small baby/child. Now, though, the girls are away at college and my cousin enjoys her son like an only child. I have another cousin with 3 kids who are each 7 years apart. I am always struck on how close they have been with such an age difference. Now that they are 25, 32, and 39 they are still close although they live far apart.

My kids are 17 and 22. I didn't have my oldest until I was 31.5 years old. I appreciated the fact that I had been in my job for a long time, had plenty of leave time to take, had benefits, sick leave, etc. The parents of most of their friends are 10 years younger than me which is a little weird. My oldest is away at college and she doesn't have to be home 5 minutes and they are arguing, but just yesterday my oldest corrected my youngest in that he said she didn't love him. She said she loved him, just didn't like something he did or said. They are so similar and so different, there is always going to arguing. BUT, they do love each other and what more can I ask for.

Having my kids later I think has kept me younger in a way. I am also very motivated to stay fit so I can stay in their lives for as long as possible, as a healthy person, not a dependent. I am only 53. My son swims so we see each other at the fitness center. I've had other swim parents tell me that their children comment on how much I work out and how great that is, etc.

If my kids had been born when I was younger and if they were born closer together, we may have experienced different things, but I would hope that they still argued because they are different individuals but I'm sure they would still love each other. What more could I ask for????

Have your next child when you are and your family are ready.

I had my first son just after high school and was a single mom while going to college. When he was 7 I found someone that I thought deserved to be a part of our lives, got married and had two more boys (at 28 and 30). I knew the third was our last so I did the delivery without any medications at all, and wouldn't change it for anything. My now 15 year old has a special bond with both of the younger ones (9 and 11 year difference). He does well with playing age appropriate games with them, tv shows, etc. As parents we give each of the boys time with us and treat them equally (it's hard not to spoil the youngest). We have also taught the younger ones to respect the older one's time and space like he does theirs. All 5 of us are involved in judo so that makes it easier to share a bond with the age differences. A bond being created between siblings is influenced more by home environment than by age difference.

I had my first born at 32 and my second at 34. My only regret has been that I have found that I have degenerative disc disease and the arthritis has settled in so keeping up with them has been somewhat of a challenge. My kids are 4 & 5 (17 mos) apart and although they are good friends I would have liked for my eldest to have been an only child for a little longer. I never have felt that I had enough time to give each child the time they DESERVED to have individually with me.

As for the bonding, I really think that is all in how it is approached. How tight of a family are you? Are your children looking forward to a sibbling? They could be an immense help and may enjoy it at that point...but if they aren't told that you NEED their help and WANT their help, they may feel like they are being displaced for a baby that monopolizes your time. Yeah, sure the won't be as close as those born close together but that's because when they are playing they will have VASTLY different interests...it doesn't mean that they won't bond or that they won't be close when they get older. There was 12 & 13 years between my mother and her sister and twin brothers. She was like a second mom to them and they always looked to her for advice and trusted her in ways they didn't with eachother.

Ultimately, whatever works for you works because you make it so. If you feel so strongly about school then you should wait otherwise you will resent the baby for interfering with your life plan. More and more women are having babies at a late age...30 is hardly old these days. I'm 37 and still think like I'm 24...age is a matter of mind dearie...if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

it's certainly true that they don't bond the same when there
is a certain amount of time between their ages. they
simply don't have the same things in common. even a 3 year
difference in ages makes a huge difference on their common
interests and on their behaviors. a 2 year old is basically
still a baby who still acts like a little caveman (my son)
while a 5 or 6 year old is in school, can play in an
organized way and communicate effectively and feels that
they are a "big kid and NOT a baby." (my nearly 7 year old
daughter.)
as far as bonding goes, they bond fine. the older becomes
the caretaker and protector of the younger, sometimes
acting as a little parent. they just don't have the same
interests due to the developmental differences and although
that can sometimes result in explosions of temper and
bossing around, the closeness and the love will still be
there. when I was 16 I became a big sister again to a
baby brother. god, I loved him!! I was so enthralled by
that little guy that I actually preferred to spend most of
my last high school summer with him instead of with my
friends!! I just adored him. while it's true that there
was a period of time of his life that I missed when I left
home to go to college, every time I saw him he knew who I
was and how much I had loved him and spent time with him.
(even accidentally taught him his first swear word! ;) )
he's now a 26 year old man and can now pick me up and carry
me as easily as I once did him! and even though there are
16 years between our ages, we are both adults and both very
interested in the other's lives. conversations are long
and enjoyable, and there is a whole lot of laughter. there
is support when it is needed. he's my brother. I'm his
sister. we are family and that is what it all comes down
to. it will be fine for you, so don't stress about it.
as far as being over 30, I had my daughter at 36 and my son
at 40. I am a better parent for it, and I believe that it
is because I am older than the average. I didn't intend
to have my children at a later age, that is just the way
it worked out, but I am so glad it did. you have nothing
to worry about. they do consider pregnancies after 35 to
be high risk, but I had no problems with either one during
pregnancy or birth. what ever will be will be, so don't
worry. go on and do what you need to do in your life and
relax. if you've accomplished whatever it is you want to
accomplish before adding to your family, it will be so much
better for you and everyone else.

Please finish school. My oldest is 23, then I have a 21, then a big gap- 13, 12, 11, 10, then another gap and a 6,4, and 2. Do not worry that they will not be close- they will form friendships no matter their ages. My 10 and 6 are boys, and hang out all the time together, the 2 and 4 are a boy and girl, they play with the other 2 all the time also. In a family, they will learn to deal with people of all different ages, so don't let that stop you from finishing school, because if you stop, you know it will be very hard to go back and finish. and I started having kids when I was 21, and I was 42 with the last, so 30 ain't nothing :) Good luck, S.- mom of 9

I am from a family of four children, two each from different dads, and 10 and 12 years apart. I am closest to my older siblings, and fought all of my life with my sister 2 1/2 years younger.
I had a child at the age of 37 and my husband had a daughter in his first marriage who was 8 when our baby was born. My stepdaughter and daughter are VERY close, and always have been.
I had gone to college and obtained an engineering degree before I met my husband, but I think it has helped me to be a good example to both our daughters how important education is for women as well as men.
Bottom line is everything will work out like it is supposed to. You only have another what, 18 months to finish school, so why not?

J.: I have 4 kids - 17, 14, 7 & 21 months. I have actually found that my older kids have a very special bond with the littler ones because they were able to have more of an active role in taking care of them. They could feed them, hold them without assistance, and even go get them for me if need be. The boys (who are 17 & 14) fight like cats and dogs and actually find it better to be apart. So I personally think the wider spread is better.

Also, I am 41 so I was 34 & 39 when I had the girls and had no problems whatsoever with the pregnancies.

Good luck........T.

My daughter was 5 1/2 when we had my son. You'd think she had him. =D
She loves him very much and he can't wait when it's time to go pick her up from school. When they're older, they can help out so much, but also sometimes want to help too much. Just make sure you let them know everything as much as possible and let them have choices - maybe go to ultrasound visits or some doctors visits with you. Ask them what names they like, let them talk to your belly and sing... It's pretty special :)

J.....wad that article up and throw it in the trash
( where it belongs)
Every family is different...my kids have an incredible bond and they are Very spaced! My oldest is 13 and my daughter is 8 and my youngest son is a year and a half old. They play well, help each other, and love each other very much.
Jealousy rears its ugly head every once in a while no matter what the spacing is, you have to try and keep things some what fair, but with ages that vary there will be things an older child can do that a younger child just can't. Keeping it balanced is not really that hard. I grew up with a sister that was only 2 and a half years younger than me and we played well at times but also could fight like cats and dogs. I have no regrets for my childrens spacing = ) They are each a blessing.
Lots of luck to you and your family = )
B.

It is much more common for women have babies post 30.

My daughter was born 2 months before my 40th. She is wonderful.

It does start getting harder post 35 (you just aren't as fertile, and risk of genetic issues and other complications are higher).

I started to freak out when I passed 30 and didn't have a child yet. All that did was make it harder to conceive. I wish I hadn't worried about it so much, and enjoyed my 30's more.

My kids are 26, 25 and 16. I think my 25 and 16 year old are closer than either with my oldest (she chose to start having kids at 17 and has 4 kids now) My 16 YO is very close with his nieces and nephew also, I think it has more to do with how much you do as a a family than anything. When I had all of them at home I used to find them all in one twin bed asleep after watching movies late at night. All kids are different, you just have to make sure you don't put the oldest in the roll of parent too often, let them be brother and sister.

Hi J.!
My boys are 4 years & 2 1/2 months apart. They love each other & play well together. They are 7 y/o & 3 y/o now. I think our youngest 'grew up' faster than our oldest did, just because he wanted to do everything his older brother was doing.
Don't worry about the spacing of your children. Finish school, then have another baby when you are both ready!
God Bless!

I don't know about the bonding part, I think that has more to do with what you teach your children than years separating them, but that's just my personal opinion.

My youngest was born when I was 31, and it worked out great. I was much more "ready" for her than I was for my first two, and being more experienced, I think I was a much more relaxed parent. Not that I was less attentive, I mean I stressed a lot less, (didn't sweat the small stuff) which was great for both of us.

I only have one son, but I can speak from experience with my own sister. We are 10 years apart and have a very close bond. I am like her second mother. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about what some magazine says. If you make family time a priority, your kids will grow close no matter what their age difference is.

I'm sure that there are some siblings who when stretched far apart don't get along as well, but as for my two they are peas in a pod. My daughter is 5 and my son is 1 and they LOVE each other. He follows her around every where she goes and she is happy to help her brother with what ever he needs. So don't worry about it too much. All kids are different. But I'm sure you won't have any problems. Good luck to you!

I had my first and only baby at the age of 38. He turned out just great.

Cant give advice on the other sorry.

I think kids at any age will bond with thier siblings at time and at others fight, its what kids do. mine was 7 when i had his little brother and they have fun. plus he is a big help with so many things. 30 is a fine age to have kids unless there are other risk factors. the recomended cut of age for women is over 40. these women and the young girls say 16 have the greatest risk of things such as down syndrome, but of course it can happen at the ages as well. I also had the now 2 yo when i was ajunior in nursing school, he came early the weekend before finals so a perfect time had 4 weeks off. good luck with the rest of school.

I am 31 almost 32. In my family (loose use of the word)...I have one step brother who is 2 years younger...he lived with his mom so we never really bonded until we were teenagers. (as most times I was at my dads when he was at our house)...next is my sister who is seven years younger (she is my best friend) we fought all her life, then became friends we she was in high school. Then there is my brother who is 10 years younger, we were close when he was little and now we don't talk much. Then there is the baby she is 14 years younger, we are close but not as close as my other sister.

It depends on the family and the enviroment you bring them up in. My two are 2.5 years apart...they are little but I had them close together because I never had anyone to play with growing up. But the younger one will always have buddies in the older kids. Good luck...

I had a baby post 30 and it is fine! Actually motivated me to stay in shape!So that when I'm 40 I can keep up with a 11 year old and 9 year old.

Jaime,
I am a sahm to 2 boys and a baby girl (Due March 09) on the way and all my kids are about 7 years apart. They have bonded beautifully. My youngest son (6, 7 in July) is so protective and enamored with his unborn sis. He is super excited. My older son turned 13 in October and he has a laid back approach but has said he is thankful I am having a baby. We have a bedtime ritual we started this year where the whole family says something they are thankful for each day. It began kind of kids being thankful for games, toys, and the like but as parent we would say things like dad's sense of humor, son's blue eyes and charming helpfullness, mom's cooking and eventually the kids caught on and now nearly every night includes genuine appreciation for the members of our little family including the new one on the way.
I hope this helps, I just find that showing appreciation for each child as a person goes a long way toward bonding and feeling included. Pointing out when one sib is treating another well is good also. Sure we have some rivalry but it is mostly when one wants to be alone and the other wants a playmate and forgets to be patient.

Oh and as for being over 30 I am 31 and everything I have found says risks don't really increase until over 35. I have sciatia and pains but other than that It has been a very quiet pregnancy. I just have been making sure to rest when I feel I need it.

I have 2 older sisters, and I am much closer to the one that is 4 years older than the one that's only 2 years older than me. It did take awhile, so I wouldn't worry about it.
Take your time, the less stressed you are the easier it will be to have another baby.
Also, congrats on wanting to be better educated! That is the greatest gift you can give your children, the joy of learning!

Well, I had my first at 37 and my second at 40. Myself, I was only 10 mos in age from my sister (adopted), and due to our personalities and other family dynamics, we played together as children but before adolescence even things got very fiery. We were competitive and there were many things I might have done if I hadn't felt it would have been following in her footsteps. For years I wanted nothing to do with her. It wasn't until I was about 30 and made a conscious choice to make it work that we began to develop a positive relationship.

Upshot: every kid is different, every family is different, it's simply not possible to predict how relationships will develop, so you might as well just do your best, follow your heart and your gut.

I hope you don't give up school to have another because of an article your dh read!

I wouldn't worry about having a baby past 30. I was 34 when I had my first (twins!, and I don't think that my age had anything to do with anything other than the fact that I was more mature and a much better mother. So don't worry about post 30 babies. FYI...the longer past 30 you wait, especially 34 and up, the higher your odds of having multiples.

Now about the age difference. My closest sibling and I are 6 years apart. I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but I do think that siblings that are that far apart don't really bond. My sister and I pretty much hated each other until we were adults. She didn't want a little sister tagging along, and she was too old to be any fun for me. Maybe it has to do with different types of parents. My mom was alone...our dad died when I was 2, so she relied on my sister to help take care of me. Maybe that was part of the problem. If you don't look to your older kid to be a caregiver for the younger one, perhaps they will bond and be best friends. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

I agree with the other posters that I think it really depends on the kid's personalities AND how you raise them.
I had our son at age 28 and our daughter at 32. Of course they fought, but now that our son is at college, it is heartwarming as a mother to watch them interact when he comes home. I know they love and care for each other.
We've got friends whose boys are 18 months apart and they too fought a lot when they were younger and now the youngest will probably head to the same college as his brother because they now are so close.
I know speaking for myself. . .I'm the oldest of 3 and the only girl. The brother closest to me in age, 2 1/2 years, we were NOT close at all growing up and now we are best friends. He and I talk at least twice a week. My other brother and I were almost 11 years apart. We were very close when he was young, grew apart for many years and are now getting close again.
So I'm not sure spacing has as much to do with it.

Good Luck to you and I am so proud of you for finishing your degree with a family! I know how hard yet rewarding that is.

Lori K

Hi J.,

I wanted to Thank you for posting your concern on this topic. I myself am 29; I've just graduated from college and I'm starting a new job at the end of January. My husband and I are trying to have another baby and if we're successful he/she will be 8 or 9 years younger than my daugher is now. I've been a little worried about these things too and it's nice to know that there are other women in the same situation.

Good luck with the rest of school. I'm so glad I went back myself; it was tough at times, but totally worth it. Like the others have said - things will work out in one way or another (I have to believe that myself too ;)).

My brother and I are 7 years apart (to the day!) and couldn't be any closer. We live one block apart and see each other at least once a week. In our case age didn't matter at all with bonding...sometimes I think it helped that we didn't have the same interests at the same time because we never had to worry about sibling rivalry.

Hi J.. I can't respond to the 5 years difference issue, but I can tell you about having babies at 30 and beyond. I had my first son at age 30 and my second at age 33. It worked out just fine. I feel more mature and more responsible than I did when I was in my 20's and therefore feel like I'm a better parent. Physically, I had no trouble with pregnancy or delivery. However, I do sometimes wish I had the energy I had when I was in my 20's!! : ) The good news about having babies at 30 and after is that medically, "they" say we should have an easier time with menopause.

Hope things work out well for you. God bless.

Missy W.

Hi J.,

Happy Holidays! My youngest children are 7 years apart and grown and are closer than ever. They hang out together alot. There is a 11 year difference from the oldest to the youngest and the siblings are close. I will warn you that having a child so far apart from the last one is like starting a family all over again. And watch out for blaming the older children if the little one starts crying. I am blamed for that alot now, I didn't know it then, but the little one would cause problems for the older ones by being a pain in the neck and then when they tried to stop him from bothering them, he would start to cry and of course I'd yell and ask who was bothering their little brother. This ususally starts when the child starts to crawl or walk. They still laugh about this. Also, I was 31 when I had my son. He was my last one, so if your planning on having this baby, you might want to consider him/her as your baby of the family and try not to spoil unless you do that to all your children.LOL!! Good luck!

Dont let your fears and concerns overwhelm you. Life is SO individual...you have no way of knowing what is awaiting you. I had my first child at 26, then didnt have my last two until I was 32 and 34. All three of my girls are healthy,and wonderful young ladies. ( They are now 32,27 and 25). When my youngest was born, I was the oldest Mom in the 4 bed suite that I was in. One young Mom was dealing with projectile vomiting in her baby, and one first time mother ( who was only around 20 years old) was waiting to hear the results of tests to determine if her precious little girl had been born with Downs Syndrome( she had).So....age isn't the only determining factor.
As to your children bonding...I agree with the other Mom's that it is more a manner of personality of each child, not age difference. Of course, as they are younger, the activities they are involved in will mean they aren't doing the same things all of the time...but as they grow...they can be the best of friends. My 32 year old and 25 years old are two peas in a pod...and love spending time together. The two of them make me laugh until the tears are flowing down my cheeks. So...relax....dont "borrow trouble"...you can meld your family together with love and joy...no matter what the age differences are...and you can become a Mom of healthy happy babies, even after you turn 30!!!