Adjusting to a Newborn and Three Old

I hear if you just lock them in the bathroom overnight, when you open the door in the morning, they're best buds.

Oh, wait...that's in regard to cats. ;-)

I like Doris' advice and think it's spot-on.

I always tried to include my daughter with "helping" me take care of her sister. It seemed to help form the bond of being the helpful big sister vs being jealous of her sister.

Try this, Maria. Get out your pictures of your 3 year old when she was born and when she was just a few months old. Point them out and show her that she was little like the baby. Say things like "See how excited we were when you were born? How we had to do everything for you because you were such a little baby?" I did this with my older son who was 27 months old when my youngest was born. He actually thought the pictures were of his brother. I told him "No, honey, these pictures are of YOU!" I reminded him that all a new baby can do is eat, sleep and cry and that baby needs lots of help to feel safe and sound so that he can grow up to be big like his big brother, and that's why I had to hold him so much and carry him around with us when we did stuff. I told him that he was HIS baby too, and when the baby was big enough to play with him, that he would think that his older brother "hung the moon".

That took care of the jealousy. Actually, he got very protective of his little brother after that.

Don't feel bad about showing one attention and not the other. it's important for your oldest to understand that you have more than enough love for both of them (and hubby). If you worry about it, it will draw attention to it. I spent so much time worrying about my first when the second came that I swear I made it worse. When the third came, I just simply explained how much time a baby needs, and told them about how I did the same stuff when they were babies. I then told them that when baby sleeps, i can play with them, etc. Hubby also does special outtings with the older kids. They love this. In fact, I love weekends because hubby takes the older kids out and I get to clean! You really need to enlist daddy into coming up with something special just for the older kid.

We also had a long discussion about waiting, and taking turns.

With that said, it is always hard for a child to go from an only to a shared position. The adjustment to three in the house was seamless. The adjust to two was painful.

if I was you, I'd go for walks every day. Put baby in a stroller and just go. Also, don't hold baby when outside, put her in her carseat and just let her hang out. I bring our bouncy seat outside and just let baby sit while I run around with the other kids. But we do go for long walks everyday, and the older kids get to burn up some energy, while getting mommy's full attention (baby is happy to look around and chew on a toy).

if you haven't bought your oldest a bike with training wheels, now would be a great time to do so. She can ride, and you can push baby in the stroller.

You're adjusting to twice the quantity of children, and you're recovering from surgery. So you have more on your plate.

Talk, talk, talk to your three-year-old. That's showing her attention. Ask her to help you do some things she can do, like bringing you a diaper for Baby. If she won't help, ask her to come watch. Then tell her everything as you do it: "I'll tell you what I'm doing, because I did this to you when you were a week old. [or whatever]. You see, Baby can't do anything for herself - not a single thing - so we have to do it all. So I take the old diaper off. When you were that age I took your diaper off, too. Now we need to clean Baby's bottom - very gently. Where is the new diaper? Oh, thank you! I slide it under, and it fastens like this. When you want to, you can start to help with all this, because I'll appreciate having a good helper...." When your big girl knows you're talking to HER even while you're working with Baby, she'll feel as if she's getting your time.

Outside: "I can't play ball with you, because I'm still getting over my operation and I need to rest. I would be glad to watch you with the ball. Let's see how high you can throw it in the air. We might put Baby in the stroller and walk for a few minutes this afternoon - that would be good for all of us. When Daddy comes home we'll ask him if he can take you to the park for a few minutes. He likes to play with you, too, you know...."

Nursing time: "Hear all this crying? Baby is very hungry, so let's sit down on the sofa. Bring me a few of your books; while Baby is eating, it's a great time to read out loud. Thank you! Sitting on the sofa is a way to have you right next to me. I love you, you know."

At this point, you don't have to leave Baby all alone while you do things with Big Sister. You can give her lots of attention anyhow. Baby is NOT going to mind. Baby loves being fed and held and hearing your voice. Stay friendly and still in charge. When Big Sister realizes that Baby isn't going to be a threat, and that you're going to be able to play more after you're feeling better, she might not be so inclined to jealous feelings.

Maria,
You are speaking my language. I have a 3 yo and a 2 month old! I found myself feeling guilty because everytime my 3 y.o. would say, 'Mommy come play with me' I was usually breastfeeding and had to say No or 'can you wait?' I could see the sadness and it drove me bonkers. Someone below mentioned including your 3 y.o. in helping with the baby and I have done the same. It works wonderfully. I even get my 3 yo to help me with simply chores (setting the table, puttin g her dishes on the counter, etc.) and she has really soared with that and feels like she is truly a big girl. It is very difficult but if you have a partner or parent to help out, maybe you could have Mommy and toddler time. If you have someone at home with you, they could watchthe baby and you dedicate 30-45 a night to the 3 y.o. to do whatever they want to do no interruptions! For me, I was able to pump and my husband could take over and I wouldn't be called upon for anything. It was a special, baby-free, time which I think was sometimes beneficial to both of us. We also checked out a book from the Library called, 'What Baby Needs' by Dr. Sears. While I am not a subscriber to his beliefs as it relates to child-rearing/raising, the story really explained what a baby needs and how they can be a good big sis/bro. Worth a try. Best of luck, I know exactly how you feel!

So this may be horrible to some, but I sent my 4 year old son to preschool when my daughter was born (and I was out on maternity). This kept him entertained and busy while I bonded with new baby (and recovered from childbirth). Then in the evenings, my husband was home and I could have quality time with my son while my husband spent time with baby, or we could spend time all together. I don't know preschool is an option for you. If not, maybe you can do a mom's morning out type of program at a local church or community center.
The occasional jealousy never really goes away, but it will get better as they age. Don't feel guilty about it. You're doing the best you can in your current situation.

We had a newborn and 1 year-old. :) It was a blur. The baby slept or played with his toes, I think.
Now we have 5 little ones.
The best advice is to get the 3YO in a preschool or camp to get outside. My challenge was getting the older ones out while I had the newborn.

A few suggestions:
Ask your 3 year old to help with everything. Then praise like crazy when she does.
Learn to use a moby wrap so you can be hands-free with your newborn.
Learn to nurse with one hand - I used a footbal hold a lot. Then I played cards with my other hand. If she knows her numbers, she's old enough for Go Fish. And it didn't require me to be up and moving around a lot (c-section friendly :)

Oh, one more big one: make a show of asking the baby to wait. No, the newborn can't understand, but your 3 year old can! So, if you are doing something with the 3 year old and the baby starts to fuss, say out loud to the baby "Baby, I'll be there in a minute, as soon as I finish this game with your sister." Then your older can see that yes, she has to wait sometimes, but sometimes the baby has to wait for her too.

Doris Day took the same approach I did. My son was a week or so shy of his 3rd birthday when his little sister was born.

I took advantage of lots of opportunities to tell him about HIS baby-hood, and to point out to him the advantages of being older (look at all the things you can do now, that she isn't able to yet). And encouraged him in his role as a big brother, that little sister was a much loved member of OUR family. Just like HE was when he was born.

And you can encourage her to entertain the baby, since baby can't hold things yet, for example. She can "show" the baby how to play with her toys. And nursing time is the perfect time for reading books on the sofa together.

My kids are 15 and 12 now, and they are still very good friends and are very close. We never had any envy or jealousy between them. Normal sibling rivalry from time to time, yes... some bickering and arguing along the way, of course... but no jealousy.

Letting your older child "teach" or "show" your baby how to do things is a wonderful way to both show attention to the older child and for them to bond with their younger sibling.

Be sure to talk through stuff while you are doing it with/for the baby. I told my son all the time about all the times I did x, y and z with/for him when he was her age... They LOVE hearing stories about "when they were a baby..."

We are adjusting to number three (all mine are 3 years apart). I don't think there is any getting around the guilt that comes with the shift of focus from your older children to the newcomer. The number one thing I did to help ease this transition was to have my mother stay for as long as possible. For us this was 4 weeks. Also to have other family or helpful friends come by often to play with your older children.
Secondly, accept, even embrace the disorderly state of your home so that when you get a free moment you can either nap (which makes you a more pleasant mother), or spend time with your other kid.

Involve your toddler in the care of the baby. Have them rub the wash cloth on baby during his bath, or wipe already cleaned up buns during the diaper change. We call this the "final wipe".

Soon baby will be interactive and you will find that playing with her sibling will become her new favorite pass time.

Strangely enough all the pieces fall into place. Demanding only children learn patients and to wait for mama. Second babies learn that they get set down often during feedings so mom can tend to other children. While there is new life in the house, there is also a loss. I always grieve the loss of the special time and dynamic I had with my only, or youngest child. Your grief will turn to joy when you see the special relationship that develops between siblings. It all works out.

I don't know how many weeks in you are, but I posted a similar question when my baby was one or two weeks old. I was also on the couch a lot with the C-section and that really added to my difficulty in interacting with my toddler. Oh the guilt. Now baby is 5 weeks, I'm getting around so much better, and baby is learning to spend some time sleeping in his bassinet instead of on my chest. So I think you will also see some improvement in your ability to interact with your toddler once you are getting around easier.

I haven't read all other responses so my apologies if I'm repeating, but my pediatrician gave me an amazing piece of advice when my second was born (my older one was 3 like yours). She told me, the baby does not have a sense of time, and that I should actively look for opportunities to meet a need or want of big brother while the baby was crying! She told me to tell my older one its ok, he can wait, you are important too. Sounds crazy, but I did it a few times and it worked wonders. When I needed big brother to wait, like when little one pulled the old "poop some more during diaper change" routine, he responded so much better after I'd done this technique a few times. I think it really helped send him the message that he is not less important now, that I'm still here for him, etc, so it lessened the need for him to feel like he had to compete with the baby. Good luck and congrats!

I had my second son when my first was 3. It was SO Hard for me! Once the younger one got a little bit older (6 months) there were a lot of tears on my part. Sure that I was damaging one or the other because I just didn't have enough time to shower them both with attention.
It was an exhausting time for me.
First thing I notice in your post. Your daughter can be outside and you can put the baby in a stroller. There is no reason to carry the baby all the time! The other thing I thought of is "date night" with your 3 year old. I always had good intentions of doing this and it never happened....but if you can! leave the baby home with dad, go out with 3 year old. Go get ice cream, go to the park, go to the zoo...something that is just with her.
My boys are older now (11 and 8) and they are pretty good friends and it is SO much easier! Thank god.
L.

you can't always show equal attention to both. it's just not realistic. but you're right in that it's great to make sure that your older gets some special time.
do NOT push yourself past your health boundaries! special time can be snuggling with a favorite book.
i really love doris's suggestion to get out her baby books and show her what she looked like at this age, and tell her special stories about things she did, and how you felt about her at that age, and in what ways her baby sibling is like her and in what ways they differ.
helping with the baby in age-appropriate ways is also pretty wonderful.
now i'm lonesome for my babies, who are the same distance apart. what sweet days they were!
:) khairete
S.

His will sound odd, but it did seem to help when I was in your situation. Babies cry a lot. Toddlers hurt themselves a lot and throw tantrums. When th baby cried, I pretended the baby was concerned for my older one. "Oh, it's ok! Don't cry, baby! Liam will be ok! Oh Liam, your baby sister is so upset that you fell down and she wants to make sure you're ok!" Etc. I swear it helped us. Other than that, do the normal things like have the older one help you get diapers, etc., and stress the importance of being a big sis (although make sure you give her time where she is not having to "be" the big sister or help out all the time). Also, when they inevitably have needs at the same time, don't always choose the baby if the baby can wait two minutes. And when you do that, narrate it..."Oh baby, I know you want mama right now, but your big sister needs me too. So I'm going to take care of your big sister and then I'll help you!"

Good luck!

First of all, Congrats on the new baby! I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old, so my daughter was 2 and a half when her brother was born. It has been a journey. Things constantly changing with them both. So please know you are not alone in this. For the first 6 monoths of my sons life, he was in the carrier as I schlepped around doing thigs with my daughter so as not to disrupt her schedule too much (probablly overcompensating) At each sort of transition point, my daughter's behaviour would change. I would try to involve her with diaper changes and "helping" me. As her brother became more mobile, she became more needy because he rquired more attention. By then he was taking longer naps in his crib so she and I could play games like Go Fish or Memory-just the two of us with no interruptions. When he would wake up, I would let her watch a show while I gave him attention (judge all you want about tv but believe me, I have limited her screen time and she watched NOTHING before the age of two-it really helps.) By 15 months (seems like a lifetime away I am sure) we hit a sweet spot of them playing together (and having the usual disagreements with toys) Also, I didn't have a C-section so please make sure you take care of yourself first, to make sure you heal. Sorry this was long winded but maybe some of it can help-or even just knowing that anyone with 2 kids has had sets of challenges that will eventually get easier. Good luck-having two is terrific. They will always have each other :)