I was just wondering if anyone had any experience about adding a baby to a combined family. We both have kids from previous marriages, but are looking into one of our own. Does anyone have any advice concerning how this tends to affect the rest of the kids, while we are still in the planning stages?? We want this to be a positive experience for the whole family, not just us. Thanks.
How old are they? And what genders? How have they blended with each other so far? How active are their "other" families, right now?
Those will help to answer.
But.... I think it's just about communication, really.
DD is a delight. I'm glad we had her, even though her sibs are much older than she is. We made it a point to point out what would not change and tried to fit her into their lives vs making their lives change a lot for her. We never assumed they would babysit. We always asked. WE had her, WE were responsible for her. SD hated diapers so she didn't change any unless she had no choice. Til DD potty trained fully, she did not take DD anywhere without us. But overall, I think DD has been a very good addition to our family and they adore her.
ETA: we did have a few hiccups, like telling the sks that no, we were not holding DD's first Christmas til they returned from their mom. Nevermind she was 4 mo. old. It was Her First Christmas and a milestone for HER. But once that kind of thing was established, it didn't come up again.
Both of my sons brought a baby to a c,binned family and everyone has been very happy. Never was a problem.
I think every family situation is different because the kids are different &
the parents are different.
It can either be good or very difficult.
You still have to try & "set the stage" so to speak prior to a new baby
arriving.
My SD was an only child for 11 or so years & did not take well to their
being a new baby when my husb & I had a child. She was 3 when I
came into her & her father's life after her mom had an affair and left.
I tried to include her in things when I was pregnant, had her at my baby
shower as the only child there (she made a big stink there in front of
everyone) and still took her out on one & one outings w/just her & I.
I wanted her to know that things wouldn't change. That her dad loved her
and I loved her, too. (I never tried to replace her mom, just tried to be
an additional nurturing figure in her life.).
When the baby was born, at least she was loving to her sibling.
However, her attitude towards me grew worse.
I still love her nonetheless and do everything in my power to be a positive
figure in her life. I care about her & will continue to show her this
through the continuing hard years ahead. Now that she's half way
thorugh high school, it's gotten worse but a big part of that is teen angst.
I will continue to try.
I say, be loving, include ALL of your kids in the process.
Tell them ahead of time (you tell your kids privately, he tells his kids
privately then you both tell them together over dinner let's say in a low
key way).
Include them in the steps as you go along by telling the what's going on
so they feel included.
You don't mention their ages but have a little gift for each child when the
new baby does arrive.
Have shirts made that say "big brother or sister", if they are young. Not
if they are teens.
Make an appt through your health insurance for a counselor to ask some
healthy ways of dealing w/this angst before hand. Go alone if hubby
won't go.
It can be done. Best of luck with conceiving & best wishes!
While I don't have a blended family I'm going to add my 2 cents anyways..
I think communication plays a part of it and your actions play a bigger part.
After I got remarried and I got pregnant with my son, my older boys were kind of worried. I talked to them and could have talked until I was blue in the face.. but our actions proved that we would always love them and they weren't being "replaced" or "less important".
My 3 older boys are our 2 younger ones are very close. We all are very close. The older ones enjoy spending time with their younger siblings. But at their Dad's they also have a younger brother.. 6 months older than our #4. They don't like spending time with him and sadly are not close to him. The boys have told me that their brother can do no wrong and all of the gifts their dad and step mom bring home for him all of the time and all they do is get yelled at and never get any gifts just because. They came home crying on Christmas because they got 2 things each.. new pj's and a video game.. then spent the next hour watching their brother open gifts. their younger brother is able to boss them around and what he says/ wants goes.
At our house we as parents have shown them that they all are equals by our actions and love. I think it has made all the difference in the world. Talk is one thing but we were able to back it up by our actions.
Good luck with it!
My parents were never married and ended up getting married to other ppl whom they both had more kids with. I was in first grade when the first baby came into the family I Loved being a big sister told everyone! I helped my mom as much as I could. When my dad and step mom had a baby I was in middle school. I spent more time over there because I wasn't an only child there anymore, and I loved my baby brother more then anything.
The only issue was that I called these siblings brother and sister. Some people in my step-mom's family would say to my brother "oh your step sister" I was offended, I'm no step-sister! We share one parent so we are technically half obviously but I would never call them less then my brother or sister. My parents we very excited for their babies and involved me so I was just as excited. I was there discuss baby names and room colors, just involve everyone if they want to be and it will all work out. Good Luck!
I have seen situations of jealousy from the existing kids because the new baby gets to spend all of their time with mom/dad instead of only having them part time.
My hubby has a daughter from his first marriage. We also have a biological daughter who was born when my step daughter was three. They are very close and I am so glad we have the family that we do. My husband and I made sure to include my stepdaughter every step of the way. She was the first person we told I was pregnant. She was very involved in all the planning for the baby. Since the birth of our youngest we have tried very hard to establish traditions that include both girls. I think the key in blended families is to treat each child the same no matter how many or how few days they spend at the house. Also, I think it important to give everyone room and permission to have negative feelings when they come up. Blessings!
