So last night my husband and I hosted a sleepover for each of our two daughters. That meant 2 kids sleeping over and one who came for pizza and play. My husband left at one point for an exercise class and I left at one point this morning for an exercise class as well. We handed off the responsibilities well and really, everything went great. Happy kids. We have plans to go to a low-key festival this afternoon and my eldest has a Zombie/taekwondo party this evening. All good stuff but its a busy life. I'm sure you are all familar with that feeling. So my question is what do you do when a neighbor kid comes over and invites your kid to do something else? This happens a lot and I know it's a blessing but sometimes it's a pain. It can be awkward because these requests often happen in front of the parties involved and add pressure to an already busy day. I often feel the need to answer yes so that some little girl doesn't get her feelings hurt. The problem is, I often end up with another kid to watch when I am ready to just chill out with my own kids. If I don't say yes I feel guilty. Today I tried to tell my eldest standing at the door with the neighbor girl, "I don't know, I need to think about it" but my daughter kept asking to the point I got angry. (The other point is that she is tired and needs to chill out for a bit as well) With summer just around the corner i know this will happen all day long with all three kids. How can I manage these situations more gracefully? This happens at dinner time or just close enough to it to make it difficult too. What should I do? I want the neighbor hood kids to feel comfortable coming over.
"Thanks for asking, but we're busy right now. Maybe later today."
"Not right now; we need some quiet time."
"Maybe later; Sally needs to do her homework."
"Sorry, we can't today, but tomorrow would be better."
I went thru this a lot when we lived on a street with lots of kids - I learned to be nice yet very firm! I would simply tell the kid at the door that we are taking a break right now but when she/he can play, we'll give you a call or stop over.
Then on the other side - if the kids are already playing and I feel they've been there long enough, I just simply say, "ok, Suzy, it's time you go home for a little while because we have work to do."
I realize you don't want to hurt little kids' feelings, but at the same time you need to be firm or you're going to get angry at yourself and then not be such a fun mom to be around! Also, I don't feel you really have to explain to these kids why you don't want them over at that moment. It's your house, your rules. You're totally allowed to have time to yourself and/or your family without others intruding and shouldn't feel guilty about it at all.
We used to have a kid conveniently come over at dinner time a lot - I caught on to that one real fast!! It's not that I didn't want to feed the kid, but I got tired of sitting down to supper with someone else's uninvited kid!!
Good luck!!!
Just say no when it interferes with something. Or it could be you want some peace and quiet. Remember you ate the parent, she is the child.
You have final say.
I'm sorry, but there's nothing wrong with telling the neighbor kids that you're "just too busy today". I wouldn't worry if it hurts their feelings. If hearing that someone is busy hurts their feelings, they need to toughen up!
You also need to tell your daughter to stop asking in front of the friend. It puts you in an uncomfortable position and your daughter knows that you'll be more likely to say yes if she asks in front of the friend.
It's perfectly fine to want a little downtime with just your own family. Do not even think that you should feel guilty for that! It's not your responsibility to entertain the neighbor kids!
It's okay to say no! I must be a tyrant... I said no all the time.
If your kids pitch a fit, that's just too bad! If they pitch a fit in front of someone, the answer is no this time and next time.
Stop being a door mat! You are the parent. Act like the parent.
LBC
If I really am not sure, I do say, "Let me look over our schedule and I will let you know in 30 minutes" or "Let me talk to my husband and get back to you by XX time". I have lots of friends who do this as well. We all appreciate the invites, but sometimes we really do need time to think things through and make sure it works, make sure the kids are not overscheduled, and make sure the kids are not too ornery to play, ya know?
Sounds like you know what you can handle. We don't do playdates since that would mean 6 kids to watch (and they all get hyper and fight if a friend is over) plus I'm always nursing. At this point in my life I choose summer camps. The 3, 5 and 6-year-old will be in various half and full day stuff all summer.
I don't mind if my child gets invited over to a friend's house but I honestly can't comfortably handle having friends over here. But I will offer or that's not reciprocal. Most parents say no way it'd be too much for me to handle. Bless them. :) The kids play a lot with friends at camps, just not at our house. Once they are old enough to go outside alone, maybe more friend play in the neighborhood.
I hear ya - and we only have 1 neighbor kid. I just say no and sometimes give a reason why, but I really don't have too. If I know the other kdi is outside and I am getting ready to make dinner, I'll tell my daughter she can play for 30 minutes (or whatever time you want) but then we need to get ready for dinner. She goes to play, in 20 minutes, I warn her it's almost time to come in, then by 30, she is inside. If I just don't feel like it (my daughter is still too young to play outside without a parent) then I say no, maybe tomorrow or maybe in a few days. This works, even though my daughter might be upset she can't play, I'm the mom, what I say goes, period
develop a firm, cheerful 'no.'
use it a lot.
'i don't know' means 'probably yes' to a kid.
don't use that.
'thank you! what a nice invitation! not today, sweetheart, but you have fun! we'll see you later.'
that works.
khairete
S.
Simply explain to the parents of the neighbor kids you need 24 - 48 hours notice for your kids to join them in any activities.
We take it as it comes. IF my child was up to going and playing fine. If my child needed some down time, we would also follow that..
If I needed some quiet time, we would also consider all of this. I was pretty close to all of our neighbors so we all could be pretty honest about when we were tired, in a bad mood, or when we were willing to have the kids all over to our yard/house.
We let hings happen organically.. Sometimes, we were busting to get outside and try to attend all of the things going on. and sometimes, we just knew we needed to slow down.
Our daughter also got to the point, when she would edit her activities. Sometimes, she would ask me to intervene for her. So I would say, "I" was too tired to go..
You are the mom, you do not need excuses, just the truth. "Wow, sorry, we are eating dinner in a few minutes. Maybe if you all are still outside playing I will send Billy over to play. Thanks for asking "
Or, "gee, we are getting ready to eat dinner, so we will not be playing outside any more today. Maybe tomorrow. Thanks for asking"
I'm straightforward with other kids when the answer is No.
"Can E come out to play?"
- No, we're about to have dinner.
- Let me ask if he wants to...sorry, E doesn't feel like coming out.
"Hi, can I come over and play with E?
- Not today, we're leaving the house soon.
- Sorry, E is over at K's house today.
"Can E spend the night?"
- E already has a friend spending the night here tonight.
- It's 5:30pm and you're asking for tonight? No. You need to ask at least a day before.
(There is one kid who does things last minute and on a whim, which his parents allow but I do not.)
And to my own kids; I've told them straight up that they can't have friends over because I didn't want to deal with extra people in the house. Don't fall for the old "ask in front of the other kid" thing. I used to pull that on my mom and she caved every time. It doesn't work on me because I don't feel awkward being blunt.
Talk to the kids ahead of time once you decide how you want to handle this. Tell them that they need to understand that you have limits and boundaries. That if you say no they need to gracefully accept that as final.
They need to know what the plan is when this happens so it won't be a sudden surprise.
Put a little note on the door that says, "We're resting right now, call you at home when we awaken" . Perhaps they will not notice that unless they knock and you answer that you will not possibly be able to know who was at the door-and they will get the big picture???? Also-back in the olden times, parents were kind, but not afraid of damaging a child's self esteem if the child was too ill mannered to phone and ask if it was okay to come to the door.
