Absentee Father

Hi M. -
My daughter's father was great up to about a month before her first birthday. He decided to start staying out all night, money started disappearing, weird things happened with his behavior. Finally, about a week before her birthday, he sat down on my bed one morning and told me that he has started using drugs. For a year I put him throuh counseling, rehab, meetings, etc. Did everything I could do to help him get over this. Then he drained the back account..$2800 worth...gone...I kicked him out the next day.
Since then, my daughter has asked about her "Dee-da." She will be 4 in July. I have always told her that he loves her very much but he can not be with her and that life is a lot of choices, that he made some bad ones that prevent him from being with us. I do let her talk to him when he makes himself available to her. He lives in another state far away and has full custody of his new baby. My little girl has asked why the baby can be with "dee-da" and she can't. I explain about the choices again and that he made choices to be there but that he loves her very much.
I don't think that sugar coating things works. My parents split when I was young and I always knew there was more to the story than what I was told.
As far as dating...when you are ready, get out there! It is tough being a single mom and dating...I promise. Nothing about any of this is easy. Just be patient and someone special will come along....
Best wishes!!

This is such a heart breaking situation. My son's father left when I was still pregnant, the only time we saw him was in court when my son was 3. My son starting asking for his "Dad" before he was 2 and even asked me if I was the Mommy and the Daddy...at the age of 2. So they know early on what's going on and lying to them doesn't help. I've always told my son that his father has no idea what he's missing, that he is a wonderful, bright and loveable little boy and that it's his (his father's) loss! We prayed for a Dad quite often and when my son was 7 I married my husband whom he lovingly calls "Daddy".
Some of that time without a "Dad" was very sad and lonely for him and for me; I always had him in sports and made sure he spent a lot of time with my brothers, and his grandfathers. I made sure not to get too involved with a man before I knew he was "the one", to avoid disappointment and more rejection for my son.
I believe there will continue to be pain and questions as to "why" and the only thing I can do is continue to direct him toward his heavenly Father who is always there and will never leave him.
This will most likely not be the only disappointment in his life and sometimes there are spaces in his little heart only God can fill.
You are very fortnuate to be able to work part-time and spend so much time with your son, even if you are not interested in a relationship with a man, do not feel you have to go there just to give that to your son, it wouldn't be fair to anyone. Your time and love and devotion is worth so much!! May God give you both the desires of your heart!

M.,
I feel for you. I have a friend whose son just turned two, and he calls everyone male "Daddy!". Its cute, but sometimes discerning when the male is a stranger and is accomplaning a lady friend. lol.

I would say be honest with the little guy, by dancing around the issue you're making feel "hopeful" that he may see his Daddy again someday. Which may or may not happen. Don't keep his hopes up, when there is nothing to be hopeful for.

I was watching an episode of Sesame Street that during the Elmos World portion they showed different kinds of families. It was so inspirational. You and your son are a family, even if the father is not present. Tell him that right now your family is complete. Some families are different from yours, but you two still make up a family.

Focus on what you do have, and try and surpass what you don't. If there is nil chance that Daddy will ever be a part of you family ever again, tell him sometimes brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, mommies, daddies and cousins love each other but sometimes don't see each other all the time. You don't know why, but that's just the way it is. We still love these people, we just don't see them.

But just place comfort into the idea that you love him and care for him, and you two are complete without the guy.

Hi M.!

Unfortunately, I was, until recently, in the same boat. My ex-husband left me for his girlfriend, whom he'd been seeing the whole time of our marriage, the day after my daughter was born. After 2 1/2 yrs of a very messy divorce, I got my daughter's last name legally changed to my maiden name, since her "father" (and I use that term very loosely) has no parental or visitation rights whatsoever. My daughter, now almost 8 yrs old, stil asks about him. Actually, your response is pretty good. Here's the perfect example: my parents tell my daughter that her father is dead, and I tell her the "sem'-truth" that he went on a very long trip and we don't know when he's coming back. It's a tough situation to be in.

speak with your son's guidance counselor at school.
I'm sure you are not the first (nor the last) parent s/he has encountered w/ a child in this situation...
I hope this helps and that the school counselor helps you & your son.

When I was a single mother with two boys, I got them into sports, baseball is what they enjoyed most and they had plenty of males around for role models as well as my bothers..Since I've been there in a way, try not to feel sad about what he doesn't have and focus on what he does have. It's always important to tell the truth and with every age things get harder to say but the earlier you start by telling him small amounts of info (whatever the situation is) the easier it will be. My husband was very young when he was told he was adopted by his stepfather (5yrs old) and he is very glad they didn't lie to him.

www.joinfamilysquad.com

They can help

my 12 year old son has been going thru this since he was a little over a year old. i got divorced from his father when my son was about 1yr old. he had weekend visitation. at first he would see him, but after a month, he would start skipping weekends, and then finally to the point he wouldn't see him any more. we only lived maybe 10 miles from each other. after i saw that he wasn't going to be in his life, i chose to move out of state. and he didn't have contact with him for 5 years. within that 5 years. actually when my son was 2 1/2 years old. i met my now husband (we're not married but have been together for 9 yrs)he was wonderful to my son, took him in with all his heart. i got the same question about where my dad was, and honestly i didn't know. and i was honest with him about that. i did tell him he loved him but wasn't in a place where he could come see him. kids are smart. they know more than you think. my husband would pick my son up early from daycare most of the time, i think having a supporting man around helped out alot with my son. my son on his own not provocted what so ever, asked my husband if he could call him dad, he told my son maybe your alittle young to make that decision, but he started calling him dad anyway. and always has since. when his real father actually made contact with him. it was really difficult for my son, because he is in and out of his life, makes it confusing for my son. and now this past christmas and birthday he had no contact at all.which marked a year since his last call. when this christmas comes around it will be 2 years since my son has had contact. it has affected my son at school and at home. he see's a counselor now, which is helping. but sometimes i wish his real father had just stayed away. its caused more problems him being in and out. i'm sorry this was long, but having a supporting man in my sons life seemed to help out tremedously. you may not be ready for a relationship right now, but there are programs out there, like the brothers and sisters. you can get info from your school about how to get him involved.they have mentors programs and other things. i think keeping him in sports is wonderful. when my son was in elementary school, they actually had a young guy in college that would come to the school and spend time with him and talk to him, he really liked that. but your not the only one. and you will both make it thru this rough time.

I'm also a single mom. My daughter is only 2...and her dad is in and out of the picture in terms of visiting her. I have not had to address those questions yet but I'm sure one day I will. In any case, I think the best approach is age-appropriate honesty. BUt more importantly, I think whatever information you present needs to be presented in a positive way. If you present 'your dad left and isnt around' as a negative thing...like you and your son are lacking because of his absence or that you are something less than a complete loving family or that your son doesnt already have everything he needs to be happy and successful in his life...that is how he will perceive the situation. Whatever you tell him about his dad, make sure the information you provide that surrounds it ensures him that he has everything he needs, he is complete, and he is not missing anything. I agree with the person that said that you should explain that there are many different types of families out there and that his family looks THIS particular way. The reality is as he gets older he'll meet many other children in his same situation and it will be a lot more normal to him once he understands more. Also, while I do think that having positive male role models around him (your brothers, father, uncles, friends, cousins, etc.) will go a long way...please do not fall into the trap of trying to find a man to be play dad. I've seen to many people do that. While some people are lucky enough to find someone they love and want to spend their life with that is ALSO a great role model for their child and embraces their child as their own, I think it should happen in that order and that one shouldnt seek out a man to be a father to their child. Again, that sends the message that he's missing something. He's not. He has everything he needs in you and in himself.

Best of luck!

not to be all mean and scary, but be careful with all the male role model issues. Pedeophiles say that its easy to get to children who are needy... and the moms are usually grateful a man is involved with their child, until the truth comes out.
stick with an agency thats been back ground checked like big brothers...

please visit www.lucafamilyservices.com

M.,

They say kids are so resilient and many are. Be age appropriate honest. That is the best thing you can do. Always reassure your son you love him more than anything else in this world and that his daddy does too. The best thing to say is that you don't know why or when or how.