A Question for Those Who Have Lost a Living Child...

A friend of mine whose only child was killed in a motorcycle accident back in November says that you need to talk about it. If you ignore it or try to tip toe, the family members find it disturbing. They want to hear how much you loved their child.
Someone in a grief meeting told her ".…You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better’; it just gets different. Everyday… Grief puts on a new face….”
Here is what she says about what not to say:
Here is your “Don’t say this stuff” list. It’s a partial. Think about it and I’m sure you can add a few things of your own:

1. “I know how you feel.” You do not. You don’t. Even if you lost a child, you don’t know how I feel. You can say “I too suffered that same loss, I know it’s terribly difficult to bear.” But do not tell me you know how I feel.
2. Do not tell me stories about your losses and how you grieved. Do not give me advice about how to grieve or mourn my child. I’ve never done this before. There is no guide book. I’m doing it the best way I know how while trying to live in the real world that continues to demand of me and race on whether I’m ready or able to be a fully functioning part of it.
3. “She is in a better place.” No, she’s not. She should be here with me.
4. “God wanted an angel.” Let’s not bring God into this. God didn’t cause the accident, at least I don’t think He did. If God did, it’s going to be one hell of an interesting lawsuit. What a concept, “God” and “hell” same sentence.
5. (We didn’t have an open casket for PJ, but this is another classic tasteless comment) “He looks good…” in reference to the deceased in the open casket. Truth be told, he doesn’t look his best. I’ve never seen a deceased person look better than he/she did in life. Best to pass on this entire line of conversation and simply say you are sorry.
6. “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” It’s unlikely I will call and ask you to pick me up a quart of milk or run the vacuum around my living room. Instead, see tomorrow’s list for better ways to make an offer.

Here is what she says to say:
1. “I’m sorry.” This is about the only thing that always works. That’s brief, to the point, and conveys your thoughts (assuming you really are sorry).
2. “How are you doing?” It’s nice to have someone ask. Sometimes I’m doing well and other times not. I don’t mind being asked. Ask because you care about the answer. Listen to the answer as if you are truly interested in what I say.
3. “It’s good to see you.” Fairly generic, doesn’t force me to reply, and hopefully your face conveys that you really are happy to see me.
4. “I’m getting myself a cup of coffee. Can I bring you a cup? You take it with sugar, right?”
5. “I’m going to the market, and I’ll be happy to grab anything you need. Give me a list.”
6. “I made an extra tray of lasagna and would like to bring it to you. Is this a good time? I won’t stay, I’ll just hand it to you and go.” If lasagna isn’t your give-away dish, send something else. Or collaborate with a friend or neighbor and drop off a gift card for a local restaurant or supermarket. Meal planning and good eating habits go out the window at times like these.
7. Send a letter - send a memory. A few lines, a few pages, doesn’t matter. Share a story that the survivor can have as a forever memory. And write it down. Don’t call. Written notes are as nice as the memories they contain. We can return to them again and again and the days and the years tick away.

Emailed memories are second best. I can print them out and save them with notes and cards.

Now, I'm sure she was referring to friends not family when she said, "don't call."

If you want to read more - message me and I'll give you her blog address - she writes to her dear daughter every day. You can see the grief process as she navigates. It will help you to know that you are not alone.
Hugs.
LBC

I had a friend who lost her 2 year old son. She is still having a hard time moving on (its been 2 years since he passed). Her family made t-shirts with his face on them and something to the effect of "in loving memory" or his nickname or whatever, and they celebrate a special day just for him. It's no one elses special day but his, and they have a big pot luck.
I would say you need to talk to your sister. Just bring it up as would she be interested in celebrating a memorial day for the lost child and possibly make it an annual thing. We do things like this in my family, on lookers probably think we are crazy. We go from crying together, to laughing at a funny memory of the loved one who passed, passing around pictures, back to crying, back to hysterically laughing. Just getting together to share fond memories seems to help us.
I hope you find some solution to help you through your sadness. I'll say a prayer for you. =)

Just go sit with your sister. Try to have some alone time with her. The balloon idea is nice. Just spending some alone time with her will give you a good idea of how she is doing. Absolutely it is okay to tell her that you miss him and that you think of them often. I'm sure that she will be comforted to hear that. When you loose someone it's nice to know that others are thinking about you and your loss as well. His upcoming birthday and Christmas will be hard for all of you. Your sister needs to know that you are there for her, even if it's just to listen. Make sure that you keep Collin's feelings in mind as well. Before you suggest the balloons, ask her if she thought about Collin's birthday. Everyone knows that they had a combined party so she will know what you mean. Maybe she already has some thoughts about doing something to honor her son that has passed. Maybe she's worried about what others will think if she tries to remember Collin's brother on that day when he is no longer with you. Also keep in mind that she may just want to focus on Collin that day and everyone needs to be okay if that is her decision as well. God Bless all of you.

the grief process differs from person to person, but it's very likely that your sister is happy for you to share thoughts about collin. most people who have lost a loved one want to remember them and talk about them, and it's hard for them when well-meaning friends avoid the subject altogether, hoping not to hurt. so while it may (or may not) be okay to call her and say 'i'm having a bad day', it likely would work to call and say 'i was just remembering ___ about collin and wanted to share it' and see how it's received. follow her lead. if she's in a reclusive phase, respect her privacy. but it's always good to reach out.
and honor your own grief as best you can.
i'm so sorry.
khairete
S.

Go ahead. It will take time or all of you to learn to live with his death, not to "get over it". I hope she will find comfort knowing you are thinking of her.
Evey time I read one of your posts I get so teary. Many prayers for your whole family.

Try to find a time to have a discussion with her. Ask her what she wants from you & the family. Tell her you know everyone grieves differently & some want to talk about it a lot & some don't. Tell her you have ideas )(balloons for party,etc.) but don't want to offend her. Share your ideas & if she nixes them then don't go forward with it. Ask her if she would be offended or saddened if you ever called to say you were thinking of your nephew. Let her make the rules, but by asking her what she wants, it will make it easier for her to come up with those rules. Telling her you want to be there for but don't know exactly how should help her express what is helpful to her.

I hope this helps!

God Bless!

i am D.'s other half. i lost my 16 year old son on jan 5th 2010. so i understand your loss and will pray for you. dealing with this kind of loss is deeply personal. everyone involed has to find there own way to respect their memory. personally on the 5th of jan every year i will be fishing. not somthing i really like, but it was my sons passion. i will either do that or do volenteer work that day in his honor. the living child may not be ready for you to have a activity shared with the deceased brother. i suggest if you want to do blue ballons then do it on your own. his birthday will be hard enough on him as it is for awhile. I know because my son that died has a birthday coming up soon and i dont know how i will deal with it yet. as far as christmas goes i sugest you give to a needy kid in your nephews name. again i amso sorry to hear of your loss its very hard to bear God be with you in your time of sorrow.

My step mom's only child was killed in a very tragic accident also.

Each person is different and right now it is still so close to when this happened, so maybe you need to go and speak with her about how you 2 want to be able to call each other. Is there a special word, so that you can say I am having a bad day, can I share with you? You could think of a code word.. both of you can just look at each other and say it or email with one word or call with the one word. It will be a signal that one or both of you are up to talking.

Would it be ok with you if your sister,called you when she is having a bad day? Will it be ok with your sister if you call her when you are having a bad day? Be honest. Tell her you do not want to upset her, but you love her so much sometimes only a sisters ear and heart will help.

Be honest about not wanting to add to her pain so if she honestly cannot handle your feelings right now, you will search for someone else to turn to.. and then do it.. I love the idea of when your sister is not up to hearing about your bad days or your own needs, to write it down. It does not mean you will ever share it with your sister, but it is a good way to help with those special memories that pop into your head about Colin.

Also be careful about including remembrances about Colin in other activities, especially those for other people, Releasing a balloon in his memory is great, but you can do that at any time, but maybe not on your sons special day or at the actual party. I understand wanting to honor his memory that day, but it does not need to feel like you have forgotten him, but maybe do the balloon release later in the day after the party. It could be one blue balloon in a group of balloons that decorated the party. It does not need to be mentioned. Just a private memory that you can see. Ask your sister about this at some point,. She may not want the attention with everybody there.

I have been following your posts and think of all of you often, especially with school about to start. Each milestone will be heart breaking. Thank goodness you are close enough for each other. Take care of yourself. I am also glad you hear you are all in counseling, that is the safe place for all of you to be able to pour out your hearts.

Honesty from your heart, to tell her how much you loved her son and miss him, will allow her to open up with you and you can grieve together.

A prayer over her would be nice, that God will deliver peace to her heart, and that he knows, from losing his own precious son on the cross, the terrible pain that she is going through, and that she is not alone in her grief. I'm sure you could find many scriptures that you could say that could apply.
Everyone, even non beleivers, seem to be comforted by prayer in a tragedy.
Peace to you my friend- may the God of hope comfort you and fill you with the peace that passeth all understanding as you trust in Him,

Gail

I have not had the tragedy of losing someone so young. I did lose someone close to me on Christmas Eve last year. That was when my grandmother passed at just 60 years old. My mother had a very hard time with it. I was pregnant at the time, so I attempted not to get too upset. However, that back fired. My mom told me she felt she was the only one grieving for the loss. I reminded her that I had some difficult days too like finding pictures or things that belonged to her. I found that the best thing to do was to tell her how I felt and she did the same. It helped her relieve some of the weight she carried from this loss. I did feel bad hearing about when she was having a hard day dealing with this, but I was glad to let her express how she felt.

It is my opinion that you should talk to her about how you feel and seek a bond in supporting eachother through this difficult time. I think that the balloons may be a bit too much, but that you should be there for her and not be afraid to tell her that you care. Because even though it may bring on some sad thoughts, I am sure she will find comfort in knowing that you loved him very much too.

My condolences to your family. God bless you and your sister. Let Him guide you through this tragic time.

i would write her a note and let her know how you feel. that way she can read and reread if she wants. or if it's too much she can put it aside and read it later when she is stronger. i think a letter says alot more than we can say in person. it'll help you too getting your feelings out too... good luck and my heart goes out to you!!

I love Ladybug's answers. I haven't lost a child, but I have lost a boyfriend and the worst thing anyone said to me is that I know what you are going thru. No they didn't. I'm not sure if it will be comforting for her to know that you are having a bad day, because what you consider your bad day, she may consider it a good day in her eyes, so I'm not sure on that one.

When we lost our grandfather, we let all the great grandchildren release balloons at his wake and each time my kids get balloons now, they also relase one each for my grandfather (for me, it's a way to keep him in their minds), so don't just release balloons on his birthday, but whenever given the chance.

Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

i am so so sorry....i used to feel like that too, what if they arent thinking about it for 10 minutes and i go and ruin it? that kind of thing. well, she is thinking about it. and i really think she would appreciate you simply telling her that you are thinking of him and her all the time, and that you miss him so so much. however, she probably does not appreciate people telling her all about how difficult things are for them in any kind of detail, even though they are, because nothing can compare to what she is going through. but i wouldnt avoid talking about him altogether. follow her lead. if you need to talk about your own loss, which you do, find someone else to talk to for now. a friend of mine lost her 2 year old daughter suddenly and her close friends and family all wear bracelets to remember Kaylee. they like knowing that people always remember her, i think its just like a quiet hug that you know is there. and as for the holidays, its just horrible, no getting around it. i know it helps some people to just go away for the holidays, not be at home. ask her if she would like to do the balloons, we do that for my dad and it helps, it just gives you something you can do, we give them a kiss and a hug and send them up to him in heaven... and it seems to help the little kids to make some kind of sense and gives them something concrete that they can do too. i wish you and your sister and your families peace and healing.