A Child We Never Knew About...

S. ~ I was this young girl a couple years ago...not by age, but in her position. I knew my birth father's name as well as his sister's and looked for them on the internet many times. Then 2 years ago I found her name on the classmates.com website and made contact. I was so scared, but excited at the same time. She emailed back for more information, and BAM - a whole new family to be excited about. My birth father had passed away years ago from cancer, but I was so happy to have made contact with his family and now I have a 2 "new" aunts, an uncle and many cousins. I was also very appreciative to get family medical history that I never had including knowing the type of cancer my father had died from - all very important information. I keep in close contact with my aunt now and we're both happy to have each other. So, even if your brother isn't ready for this new relationship, you should give it a try. Don't push your brother into anything, he'll come around on his own.

Wow! That girl has a lot of courage to seek him out. I didn't get to meet my own dad until I was 22 years old. 3 years later he passed away. My mom knew who he was the whole time, but didn't tell me. So I ended up having a lot of anger at her over the situation. People that grow up with only one parent struggle with acceptance. When you find that second parent (sometimes) you want to believe that they were not in your life for a valid reason and not just because they didn't want to be near you. If she's grown and going to college, it will never be a parent/child relationship. And that's probably a good thing. Since I didn't grow up under my dad, I didn't have any negative memories of him at all. Everytime we spent time together it was great. We talked, laughed, got to know one another and shared our lives, but that parental disciplining/I've seen you make all your mistakes aspect was not there.
Accepting people into our lives does a lot to enrich the lives of all those involved. This kind of thing happens. A long talk with the mom of this girl is going to be necessary for him. If she knew the whole time that this was his daughter, why did she not tell him? He went this whole time without contact, without child support, without pictures or experiences. She didn't deprive only her daughter. She did that to him as well. There are lots of men that find out they're going to be a dad and split by choice. He didn't even have the choice. People make a lot of mistakes when they're young, so I can only hope that all of your family can forgive and embrace her with open arms. She isn't trying to be a homewrecker, just trying to get to know her dad. Which I feel she has a right to do. If for nothing else than medical history.
Talk to your brother about it and find out where his mind is at and what his concerns are. Tell him that you'll be there for him and support him along this new path. But give him time to come to terms. Let him know though, that the longer he takes to contact her or her mom, the more likely she will believe that he never wanted her in the first place. I'm sure it's on her mind every minute as well. Good luck!

Give your brother the young lady's contact info and like wise give her your brother's contact info. Then STAY OUT OF IT. It is up to your brother to tell the rest of his family, not you. Clearly you have shared this with your husband, so you have someone to talk to about it. Let it rest until they work things out. I wouldn't wait to pass the contact info any longer. Your brother has had 24 hours to "absorb" the info, let him now deal with the issue.

My GOODNESS S.!!!!!!!!!!
LIKE THIS OR NOT, HERE IT GOES. YOUR BROTHER DOES NEED TIME, BUT ALOT OF TIME HAS WASTED WITHOUT THIS GIRL HAVING FAMILY, SUCH AS YOURSELF. SHE HAS BEEN CHEATED REGARDLESS OF WHO IS THE BLAME. YES IT IS RIGHT TO RESPECT HIS WISHES. YES IT IS HIS ISSUE, AND IT IS UP TO HIM TO BE A DAD. IT IS UP TO YOU TO BE AN AUNT. IF THIS IS NOT YOUR BROTHER'S DAUGHTER, BELIEVE THIS, PEOPLE TOUCH OUR LIVES FOR SOME REASON, MANY WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I THINK YOU WOULD BE MY AUNT IF I NEEDED ONE. (SMILE). NOW THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT HER, YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES TOO. YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURS AND HE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIS. TELL YOUR MOM. THIS IS POSSIBLY HER GRANDCHILD, AND IF YOUR BROTHER IS NOT WANTING TO CHANGE HIS LIFE SO DRASTICALLY NOW, HE SHOULD JUST REMEMBER, 15 MINUTES OF PLEASURE IS A LIFE CHANGING EVENT EVEN IF IT MEANS HE ONLY GETS AND SHOWER AND THE WOMAN HE LAY WITH GOT NOTHING OUT OF IT BUT THE NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER. BIOLOGY WAS EXCHANGED, REPRODUCTIVE OR NOT.
THE GIRL HANDLED THIS VERY WELL. SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO NEED ANYTHING FROM HIM. SEEMS LIKE MOM HAS DONE WELL BY HER AND SHE IS DOING WELL BY HERSELF. BE THERE FOR HER, IF YOU CAN ONLY BE A FRIEND. DITTO ON BEING EXCITED. YOU SHOULD BE YOU ARE A POTENTIAL AUNT AND THAT ADDS MORE STARS TO YOUR CROWN. AS FOR YOUR HUSBAND, GOD BLESS HIM I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM, BUT HE MAY BE WRONG ON THIS ONE EVEN THOUGH HE IS RIGHT ABOUT THE RESPECT FACTOR. BUT HE IS YOUR HUSBAND SO REMEMBER YOUR VOWS. HAVE I CONFUSED YOU ABOUT WHAT TO DO NOW? MAYBE, BUT, YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES S.. WHETHER THAT IS SEEING THIS THROUGH OR FINDING OUT IF SHE DOES OR DOES NOT HAVE YOUR FAMILY'S BLOOD AND SEEDLINES.

i'd say wait. be patient. his world is possibly going to change forever. he may have not known the child existed and 18 years later, he, at least, deserves to come to terms with it, and decide what next. i know you want to get this ball rolling, i would too, but this is HIS life, first and foremost. let him make his decision, let him decide when to tell your mom and sister. give him time.
he will do the right thing, but this takes time. imagine if this had happened to you. would you want to have someone else tell your family members without you getting the chance to absorb and decide what next?
good luck

First I commend you for wanting to have a relationship with your new (possibly) neice. I think that is really great.

Next, I think your brother is manipulating you to take responsibilty for something that is clearly his responsibilty. I recommend you throw the ball back in his court. Call or email or write your brother a note to pass on the contact information. Then it is his responsibilty whether he takes the next step and you can truthfully communicate to your potential neice that you passed on the info.

Finally you can only be responsible for your own actions. If you want to have a relatioship with you potential neice that is up to you. Your brother is over stepping by telling you what to do. That is my 2 cents anyway.

Hi S.! Wow...how exciting! I am sure you will get a whole spectrum of advice...but my opinion is that you can not stay out of it. The girl contacted you, therefore, you are already in it. She sounds like a super girl, not out for anything but to know her possible dad. I would really encourage your brother to step up. If that is his daughter, that is his responsibility. If the mom wanted something, she could have gotten it a long time ago. This is a make or break for this girl. Either finally meeting her dad, or getting a HUGE rejection. If I were you, I would stay in contact with her...find out how positive her mom is that your brother is her dad, and take it from there. Since you sound interested in her, you can always develop a relationship, even if your brother rejects it. And I don't like your hubby's advice ( no offense). It surely could happen to anyone...but it then becomes their responsibilities to do the right thing. If your brother resists, I would tell him that by ignoring her, she won't cease to exist, and that it will always be on his mind. I hope it works out!!
A. :)

I agree with keeping it quiet and respecting your brothers wishes....you can talk to your brother and let him know that you can not keep the secret for longer than *such and such* amount of days.....IF you feel you can not respect his wishes.

In the meantime, there is nothing stopping you from asking this gyrl questions and getting to know her. It may prove helpful.

But this is a life changing event...let your brother tell whoever needs to be told, this is not your place. It's all about respect. And it's not about what YOU want--its about what this gyrl and your brother want.

This is about your brother and the girl (and/or her mother). You should contact your brother (email if you correspond that way regularly) and give him the contact information for the girl and her mother. You might gently encourage him to contact the mother to see what needs to be done for confirmation about this girl's paternity. There is no reason for him to contact her directly (or you to contact her and establish a relationship) until there is a high certainty that he is, in fact, her father. Perhaps he should contact the mom, first. Otherwise, it may be devastating to this girl later on. But, either way, he is going to drive himself crazy with guilt/anger/frustration over not knowing if she is, or isn't, and the "why"s behind the mom not telling him about the daughter. You cannot approach your brother in a selfish manner ("I can't not tell the rest of the family"; "I'm excited and want to meet her"; etc). You need to encourage HIM to act to confirm (or exclude) the paternity. There may well be legal consequences for him, even as simple as inheritance issues should something happen to him. It is understandable that your brother may be in shock. So be gentle. Try to assuage any feelings of guilt or anger, so that he can get past them and find out if this girl is his daughter... this girl is NOT responsible for the actions or in-actions of her mother. And even if the mother "hid" the pregnancy and child from him (assuming she is his), he can't punish the child for that. Help him see that, without being judgmental or pushy. Then step back and STAY OUT OF IT.

If you step in without giving your brother time to sort things out and begin his own relationship with this girl, you may very well ruin his chances at a relationship. He comes first with this girl. You only know of her by chance...so keep quiet and let your brother work things out first and foremost.
Additionally if you step in and spill the beans, you may ruin the overall closeness your family shares.
In this instance, keep your mouth closed for now and respect your brother. This girl has grown up, by her own account, with a good life so she isn't desperate to have a new family with you or in some sort of bad situation. There is plenty of time for your brother and her to establish a relationship and then, if she is his daughter, bring her into the family without overwhelming her or alienating him.
Honor your brother's wishes. This girl has had 18 years of knowing her dad is out there...he's only had 24 hours of knowing about her.

Give your brother another 48 hours to contact you. If he doesnt, call him and say you want to get to know your niece if this is, in fact, his child. Unfortunately, he may be finding out now, but he obviously did the deed and needs to live up to his responsibilities, even if they are only to answer this girls questions. What exactly is his issue. Is he afraid he will have to pay out money, or what? Obviously he didnt know about her, so he shouldnt have any guilt. Why doesnt he just write the Mom an e-mail and ask what is going on and find out how confident she is that the child is his before he does anything else. If he refuses to get involved, I think its OK to explore a relationship with her. After all, she may be your niece and obviously is yearning for family she doesnt know. She may appreciate your love and support more than you could ever know.

tell your mom and siblings. Your brother will need the support of an accepting and loving family. No drama, just acceptance and love. To think that this woman carried a child and now the child is searching for her father. What a hardship. The mother carried and raised a baby on her own, so it's not money driven, it's lost family...Blessings for a happy reunion...

I understand your concern for your brother but in my opinion you also have an obligation to this girl. You say that your family is really close and it is her birth right to be a part of that. She did not ask to be born and through uncontrollable circumstances has been without a father all of her life. Although he did not know that she existed, she has went her whole life knowing that she had a father and I can't even imagine all the questions she must have. I would give him sometime to come around but if he doesn't you are still her family and so are your mother and sister. She deserves some answers no matter the source and in my opinion has just as much right as you, your children and the rest of your family to have a chance to be a part of the close bond you all share. Congradulations!

I encourage you to be patient and allow your brother to deal with the situation first before developing a relationship with this young woman. You probably don't want to mess up relationships with existing relatives just to establish a new connection with someone you hardly know.

Wow this must be amazing and scary for you and your family. What I would do is call my brother to be there for him and let him talk out what's going through his mind. This has to be a huge shock and it does take time to deal with something this big but since it's a secret that only the two of you know (so far) then be the one he can talk to about it. If in the end he can't deal and doesn't want to meet her - you can still meet her and get tested (the tests will show you're family). I watch "The Locator" which is all about this and there are many times the person being found can't deal but a daughter or uncle or brother reaches out. Good luck with whatever decision you make.