I dont think this falls under the "normal" request on mamasource, but I am in need of unbiased opinions.
My friend of 5 years is recently divorced. She has started a "relationship" with her ex-boyfriend, who is married! I feel so sorry for this wife. Having been cheated on in my past, I know how humiliating it can be. This poor girl has no idea it's going on. This friend of mine I mentioned has proven in the past to not be very loyal, so I dont feel too obligated to her.
What I would like advice on is whether to tell the wife what is going on and lose a not so very good friend, or stay loyal to this girl and keep my mouth shut.
I would like to thank the wonderful mamas that would be willing to shed some light on my dilema.
First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you, for the wonderful advice! Fortunately, things seemed to work themselves out on their own. My friend just informed me that she was seeing a new guy. She swore to me that nothing "physical" happened between her and the married ex. I question that, but I am relieved to know that the affair ended. I am peace with the situation, although I still pity the wife. I feel in my heart that I have no place at this time in saying anything. Also, I plan on distancing myself from this so-called friend, and hopefully I will have a lot less drama in my life. Thanks again for all of you that gave me your honest opinion, it was very much appreciated.
I would want to know if it was my husband and I think the one being cheated on deserves to know. She then can make a decision on what to do next if anything, but I would do this anonymously.
I suppose the 'morally right' thing to do would be tell the wife. But do you know the wife personally? If not, she may not believe you anyway.
put yourself in the position of the wife who is being cheated on. Wouldn't you want to know if you were her.
I'd get specifics and send an anonymous note. If it were me, I'd definitely want to know, but don't know how happy I'd feel w/ the bearer of the news after the fact :) I've always been the cheatee (only twice, but i've only had 3 boyfriends, the 3rd I married!), so know the feeling of horror and the loss of confidence attributed, even though after the fact it should have been the guys who cheated that felt that way. I think I'd do it, tell the wife... In discussing this in past w/ friends, we all agreed we'd send anon note...
If the affair is going to end soon it might not be worthwhile to mention it at all. If this isn't going to end in the very near future, I would discreetly talk with the wife and let her know.
I mean what are you really losing a friend who doesn't really care about you? Feh. Better to have a few good friends than lots of not-so-good friends.
It's none of your business and you shouldn't say anything to the wife.
Since you feel so strongly and need to do something, you can always tell your friend that you don't agree or support what she is doing and that she can call you when the affair is over.
What a huge situation! I would cut my ties from your friend. Just get yourself away from her drama. It's hard to not involve yourself but at the same time think about what conflict you may bring if you get involved. If the wife finds out be a friend and support her.
I really think it always depends on the relationship you have with the people involved.
I hate to say it, but I agree with Julie S. It's not your place to say anything. I understand the need to know, as well as the feeling of moral obligation, but you will not be the hero here. Either you won't be believed or you will be held partially responsible in the couple's eyes for breaking up the marriage (even though it's really not your fault). Either way you're in a lose lose situation for even having the information. I've been there before, however I have had news of husbands cheating on good friends of mine, and saying anything is never a good idea. Cheats always get caught, whether the cheatee admits it or not they always find out. Let it run it's course and let those two cheaters get their own poetic justice. The only thing I would suggest is letting your "friend" know how reprehensible you find this behavior, and that you don't want to hear about this affair. When she gets caught and comes to you for support, tell her its her own fault and to enjoy the bed she's made for herself. No need to be sympathetic. Im sorry you have to have this information. I hope they get caught soon
Wow, this is a tough one. On one hand I say mind your own business. On the other, I say why should we cover up for all the cheating people out there? If you do tell the wife, then you're getting yourself into a potential big mess (& maybe dangerous if the cheating husband is not stable). If you do decide to tell her, I recommend doing it anonymously, so no one ever knows it was you. If you friend asks if it was you, lie to her. You need to protect yourself.
