9 Year Old Curses, Disobeys & Disrespects Mom

My 12 year old nephew did that to my brother and sister-in-law. His grandmother too. He has ADD (not ADHD) but I tried the methods in this book:

Have a new kid by Friday by Kevin Leman -- and it is working for my nephew. He is not on medication. Amazing how he learned to behave when we (the whole family - especially grandma) consistently used the suggestions in this book.

Best of luck to you.

Hi, S.. Very challenging. I think first of all, you could use someone to listen to you! Ugh! The best thing I know of for dealing with children's behavior is HandInHandParenting.org. It saved my relationship with me and my daughter. If you have questions about it, I'd be happy to talk with you.

This sounds so much like my daughter. I do not have an answer, but I keep trying different methods. But one thing I have have noticed is that my daughter is calmer when she is busy. The 123 Magic did not work for me. Usually if I there is some underlying issue upsetting her and causing her to act out and get extra attention. Being tired really sets her off. At least I know I am not the only one with a Dr. J and Mr. H. Hang in there.

Hi S.,

Thanks for the update so glad to hear you and your husband are on the same page. I predict getting his room "fun free" will produce yet another degree of attitude adjustment. Taking care of a problem now will prevent a huge problem when he is older and bigger.

I hear many stories about children going from back talk and vulgar language right into striking their parents when they become teens.

You and your husband can be proud of sticking together and nipping this is the budd right now. Congratulations and keep us posted.

Blessings....

PS...
If he keeps the swearing up, I would take him by both shoulders, get right in his face and say, sternly, calmly, and in a very low voice; "Never Do That Again".

Pick him up, if you can, sit him on his bed, tell him to stay there until you come for him. Walk out of the room close the door (no slamming required) Set the timer for at least 30 minutes. Go open his door and tell him he can come out when/if he is ready. Proceed, life as usual. Repeat if necessary.

Dear S.,

I have not read the other responses yet and hope NOT to see yet another mother to say, he’s crying out for this or that, and this behavior is “normal” for a child his age! You’ve had him checked out and he doesn’t behave this was with his father or others, so it is NOT normal behavior.

This child is yanking your chain big time and feels like he can get away with it by drawing a picture and saying he’s sorry. He is nine and clearly knows right from wrong. Maybe you’re not taking things and privileges away long enough.

I recommend that you and your husband sit him down together and let him know if he curses and/or misbehaves in anyway the next time his father is gone on a shift, he will lose ALL privileges, including dessert for a month. (Get a big calendar and show him.)

IF he messes up at anytime during that month, and extra day will be added on. On the other hand, if he does NOT mess up for a week at a time, two days can be SUBTRACTED from his punishment. (Drawing nice pictures and apologizing to Mom is fine, welcome and appreciated, but does not count as far as deducting time.)

It may sound harsh, but it’s better then medication, your own frustration and eventually having a larger problem on your hands.

Blessings…..

PS...I was just wondering if he hears you, your husband or perhaps another adult curse on a regular basis? I would talk to him about why he thinks it's OK to curse...Let him know it isn't and let others know you don't want any cursing around you child.

You don't say how long this behavior has gone on, or if there has been any changes in household.
I don't want to get too detailed in a public message, but one of my boys went through a phase when he was out of control. Enough time has passed that I have come up with a new perspective on why this may have happened with him. this may not apply to your family, but: If your husband is the dominant head-of-household, when he is away, the family dynamic will change, and some kids have trouble adjusting to things like that. In other words, at school it is the teacher in charge all the time, and at home it may be Dad---but then Dad comes and goes. Your son, in addition to missing his dad, may not be comfortable without a dominant person, unconsciously feeling like the chain of command is unstable... and you may not be a dominant type by nature. If you take a more dominant role even when Dad is home, and Dad backs you up, maybe your son will see his boundaries more clearly, and feel more in balance.
Some animals are like this...I think it is a primal response, to need a dominant leader at all times. Not that the leader is super controlling---just that there is a "vibe" of control from them. If this seems applicable to you, try discussing it with your husband and coming up with a plan to shift more power to you.
BTW, big thanks to your husband for the valuable and dangerous work he does.

I don't think you need a therapist for this one. I think you need to toughen up.

The most important fact you mentioned is this: "He doesn't do this stuff with his father or teachers." Hello...you're letting him walk all over you.

I am pretty permissive with kids, and not much of a disciplinarian, but there has always been a line of respect my kids are not allowed to cross with me. A couple of times my boys have gotten out of line and called me a name and swore at me - and I let them know in no uncertain terms by grabbing them by the collar and shoving them up against a wall, that they were NEVER to talk to me that way again. And guess what -- they didn't.

You are allowing this, and you need to stop it. He does it because he CAN. You're bigger than he is: Next time he swears at you, get MAD, and let that little bugger know he WON'T do that ever again. And mean it.

And your husband should be backing you up on this, and he should tell your son the next time he swears at his mom the whole world is going to come crashing down on him.

I have to repeat, after reading the response above: This kid doesn't do this with other people. Therefore he CAN control it. Therefore it has nothing to do with sugar or vitamins or his general health. His behavior needs to be modified. That's all.

Oh my god! I just skimmed through the other responses. I can't believe how many people are calling this kid ADHD. He doesn't need drugs, he needs real limits! He only does this behavior with his mom!!!!!!!!! What does that tell you?? He can control it! There is nothing physically or mentally wrong with him! Someone please get a grip!

p.s. - A mom messaged me reminding me that the doctors mentioned ADHD. I've experienced enough doctor incompetence in my life to not believe everything a doctor might say. A kid who really has ADHD can't control himself in select situations (school, dad) and not in others (softy mom). The doctor is an immoral idiot.

Wow, tons of great ideas. What I have found with my 10 & 4 year olds, is that behavior patterns can be changed. It is difficult, but it can happen. When things get bad in our house, here is what I do.

First, I tell them what can not happen anymore (yelling at me, hitting, throwing things, eating sweets before bedtime, etc.)

Second, I tell them when the new behavior is going to start. (Starting on Monday we are going to only have dessert Mondays and Fridays, or there will be no swearing in our house, ever, etc.)

Third, tell them the punishment if they disobey.

Fourth, (and this is really important) I put on my Mean Mommy body armor and get ready for the tantrums, whining, pleading, etc. When they see that I am not budging and I am not bothered by their outbursts, they quickly seem to accept the fact that mommy means business and the behavior changes. You need to remain calm, and follow through on what you set up ahead of time. There is no negotiating, because it was all clearly laid out ahead of time.

Good luck!! It's a difficult time, but you will get through it. Please let us know how it goes.

It may be that he has gotten used to treating you that way, especially when dad's gone. He seems top think it works for him. Try to change your schedule and activities. Make a certain time for just you and him doing something rewarding and also have some time where he has to amuse himself (he['s old enough) and to leave you alone to regain your peace and calm. Kids sense your uneasiness and you probably are more at ease when your husband's at home, too. Find that peace anyday picking a time to be with child and time to be with your i8nner self. See what happens and let me know.

That really sounds like bi-polar of some sort...my friend's son was diagnosed with it and act this way. However, since he tested negative, you might want to keep a food journal and see if there is something else setting him off. Many kids exhibit horrible behavior after eating foods with lots of sugar, artificial colors and/or flavors. It may be that he acts this way because he misses his dad so maybe you need to talk to him about his feelings too.

Personally, I let my boys know I that mean business and I would not stand for any sassing or other disrespect of any kind! Moms really need to exert their authority over their boys and dads need to back us up. My husband will let me handle an issue directed at me, then follow up with "don't you ever speak to/treat your mother like that!" I do the same for him. I know your hubby is gone a lot, but please be the main disciplinarian even when he is home and ask him to back you up so that you present a unified front regarding your son's behavior and respect for you.

Greetings S.: I am the mother of 5, 3 are boys. Have been a foster mother of several children and am now a grandmother. I have one child with ADHD, and another with a form of Autism called Aspberger's Syndrome. Just so you know I don't give this advice without serious experiance.
I also have several firefighters and law enforcement officers inthe family. 2 of our firefighters generally only work 18 days a month back to back shifts and even then they talk to mom/dad alot.
Since he is 9, seems to understand right from wrong and knows when he has screwed up because he has learned the "I am sorry" responce.
Since he has learned the power works from his anger, ofcourse he will use it to the fullest. He is not at an age that you can swat him on the fanny and expect that to work- so then what? I learned to be the firm and nothing gets past me parent. My children said they never feared it when I said "just wait until your father gets home" but they did fear it when " I said-their full name and I mean now".
All children want firm boundreies, a foundation that they can grow on and firm and consistant love. I have not ever been my childrens friend or buddy. I tried to talk to them after the anger was defused but not until as it was my job and responsibility to take control until they could. I am the parent and as such they know even now that I will be respected and treated well. I have been known to strip a bedroom from all but the basic things to make sure that they were not distracted by the clutter and disorganization withthe ADHD. They had to earn back literally every item that I took out of the room. I have found that a cluttered enviroment is not healthy for someone with ADHD, or Autism. Have you figured out just when the triggers start? Could it be that you need to rethink your scheduals and give the child a differet bedtime, with earlier showers. I lnow that for one child , he had to have his dinner ealier as his blood sugars just caved in and then his shower and we stopped all television an hour efore his bedtime. He could have soothing music. All that ment change for the entire family but we all agreed it was for the best interest of these 2 children.
Good Luck, if I can be of any more help please feel free to contact me.
Just remember that you are not a rug to be walked on , you are the parent and the one to be incontrol. Just be well organized, tell him you are sorry tat he is an angry person but that is not acceptable in our society, and that you are going to be making changes so that he can be safer, happier and more secure & he had just got to suck it up and be apat of the solution. Give it time it will change and be better. To adress the swearing---- WE have a SWEARING JAR** anytime a person looses their temper, swears either with foul language or anything that is ment to be foul** they have to put what ever change they have into the jar. This money is now part of a general fund to be used for what ever the parent s decide. I have one son that came home from school one time(college) and put in $5.00, and just said mom its been one of those days! When it costs them and even the parents must contribute to the jar they learn real fast that it just doesn't pay to sear.(we once used this money to pay a debt and that taught another lesson as well. I once washed out the mouth of a 10 year old becasue I refused to be talked to like that. He was amazed because no one had gotten the message across that it wasn't acceptable. His parents talked just like that to one another. That young man is a wonderful father of 5, a firefighter, and now active in a church. So it can happen!! Nana G ****** I have to add, a PS, on this as my son just came in and added some advice: Don't let him control you , once he learnes that you deserve respect because you don't cave in he will feel more secure and not like he is in control of you. (This is from the son, with Aspberger's).Glenda

Wow, your going through a time. But looks like your trying different things. My son is ADD. He does so some of the same things other than cursing. He get mad if I tell him cant watch t.v or video games. says no one loves him. We do hot sauce for the month so sew me hot sauce hot's I can find. We say going to get hot sauce he stightens right up. Or you can do a naughty bucket. write chores in it. When he act's like that have take a folded paper out and do chores he can do. like cleaning counters or toiets at nine your house should be clean iwth that behavior. lol. see if that works. You can also do the counting 1-2-3. We bought from my kids doctor tolal magic 1-2-3. usally by the time I count behavior changes. sounds like a touch of adhd though. We put my son on L-theanine natural product you can buy at nautral store. it calms his behavior and has done a big change in school. Doctor placed himon adhd drugs that didn't work. try it may help your child. It's liek green tea with out the caffine.

I am curious to see what type of response you get. I have a six year old who is beginning to throw tantrums and we have been working on the bahavior but it is persistent.

Mom of four

He is probably in the beginnings of puberty which does such weird things to a boy that he is probably so confused as to what his body is starting to do as well as the rest of him.

When my son was 9, I had him listen to the Dr. Dobson tapes on puberty which explained a lot to him and helped him understand what he was going through and why he did the things he did and acted the way he acted. Perhaps there is some sort of books or CDs or something for him to listen to in order to understand.

I do hope this passes soon for you. For me, my son turned into a monster at 9 and at 14 became my son again.

I agree w/the other mom, set up an appt. w/a behavioral therapist to help to help you come up w/a game plan. You might also look into anger mangement classes for your son so that he learns the tools to control himself. This is a behavior that could escalate as he grows & matures & is something you definatley want to nip in the bud. Sommeon also mentioed a reward chart which could be a good idea, as well. also, try praising the positive...lavish him w/praise & love when he's behaving nicely. He might start to realize how good it feels when you praise him & realize he doesn't like the negative attention that comes w/misbehaving. Best of luck!

try to keep a diary of when the behavior takes place, think about things that may start the behavior. Disappointment,food, especially colorful candy. tiredness. This may help you to see a pattern.
You could suggest to your son that if he starts to feel angry he should go to his room and punch his pillow or yell.
i hope it gets better for you.

Have you tried a reward system? Let him know he's really a precious child and ask him if he would like to work together with you in making things be better all the time. In my experience, most kids want to please, and given a set of guidelines helps them see things more easily. Set goals of so many days of good behavior and then a prize can be earned to celebrate his good behavior. The prize can be an actual prize, a trip, or a special thing, like TV time, family game time, or a movie. Chuck E. Cheese even has a good behavior coupon you can print out and redeem for 10 tokens w/food purchase as a special prize. As things get better, perhaps you can stretch the good behavior expectations to make them longer. Then it will be just an expectation, not one for a prize. Best of luck.

Dear S.,

I know you said you tried time outs in your request but please try 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan. It was awarded the National Parenting Publication Gold Award. And I can honestly say it works!! Plus it isn't a thick book that takes forever to read! I have a 3 1/2 yr old and tantrums are his hobby. It is also aimed at teachers w/ difficult students. It also addresses the "buttering up" you wrote about.
The key is showing no emotion & no talking (they call it engaging) while you count and at 3 it is time out (a minute for each year of the kids age) and it WORKS!! It covers all the possibilities and it was a life saver for hubby and me! BTW, yesterday my son destroyed his room (we have switched the doorknob so the lock is on the outside now) and after 40 minutes he stopped, during which we almost went in twice, but since he got no reaction he only threw one thing today during time out AT THAT WAS IT, yeah! It isn't easy, showing no emotion is draining. but I shudder to think of what he will be like older if we don't nip it in the butt now!
Hope you check it out! Good luck!

Look up Karen Rivers website( I think karenrivers.org and see if there is one of her workshops on The Nine Year Change. Very helpful information.
P.

IS he on meds for the ADHD? My son is on metadate cd and I can literally watch it leave his body about 6 at night. This is when he is far more prone to fits.
When I feel/see one coming on, I stop what I am doing and hold him in our big over stuffed rocking recliner chair. It calms him for me to hold him close.
Also, sometimes before we have a big task to do that might make him melt down (like clean his room), we pray. Works for us and we're really not that religious. It just kind of puts him into the verbal and mental committment of 'trying' to do it without a fit.

I feel for you as a mother.... I went through a very hard time when my son was going through our divorce. I had to leave the house since his tantrums were heart wrenching.
It passed with time and love. But mainly, I would say, go out and find a support group, parenting class, etc. so YOU get support. I assume you have a diagnosis. But you are a human being and also need to be in control. Love is everything, no matter what diagnosis. You need love and your son needs your affection of love. Whenever we are so into negative situations and do not replenish our own batteries nothing on the outside works. I do not know which area you are in but in my case, taking the Landmark Education (Forum) is working wonderfully for my family. Check it out online and go to a presentation. From my heart, it is my best advise. C. from www.makingfriendspreschool.com in California.

I would say take him to see the psychologist and anger management specialist, and I highly recommend that you take some parenting classes, too. You might have to question your parenting skills and style. When did you start with the discipline? I know kids start as young as toddler age challenging parents. Good luck. There are some great insights by other MaMas.

I agree with the moms who suggested a food diary to see if he has triggers. My son was having trouble focusing in preschool and they asked us to have him tested for ADD. The doctor said he was too young to really test, but she could tell from watching him that he didn't have ADD. My husband had been on the Feingold Diet when he was a kid and asked if we should try it. We did and it worked! When I got the book, I also noticed that is was recommended for ADD, ADHD and other behavioral conditions. It removes all artificial ingredients from the diet, plus salycilic (sp?) acid, which is found in many fruits and vegetables. It was challenging at first, but we got used to it. Now, our son is 7 and knows what he can and can't have. Since it isn't an allergy, we can allow him to be "off diet" for special occasions. We just know that he will be more active for a few days. You can get the book at Amazon. Check out http://www.feingold.org, too. Good luck!

You might want to try River Oaks for children, they are awesome. My son was in counseling with them for quite some time, they saved both of our lives. J.

I can completely relate...my son was also diagnosed with ADHD and has fits that will shock you. He hasn't resorted to cursing but he acts out in every other way. I have done some of the previous suggestions such as talked to him during a calm unrelated moment about what is troubling him and he doesn't really know so he will start throwing out what ever comes to mind. Also we have set up what we both agreed to be very effective reward systems but in the heat of the moment he could care less what he's losing until later when he realizes he lost it and then the fit begins again. His behavior is very impulsive and his doctor suggests that he starts behavioral therapy with a family therapist...so, I'm making the appointment. It can't hurt and maybe he or she can offer some insight to why he does this and how we can improve the situation...at this age hopefully she has some tips for him to cope with his own emotions and then there is someone else holding him accountable besides myself and his father that he needs to report to.

S., you have a handful!
2 thoughts that might help you- one is sugar and carbs. Remove all refined sugars from his diet- and juice- and stick to foods like fresh veggies, some fish, white meats, string cheese, yo baby yogurts, fruits and nuts, etc. Get him into eating very natural foods and let his body balance itself out. The 2nd idea is an anger management course. The fact that your son shows remorse is fantastic. The fact that he only explodes to you shows that he is either afraid to react to his father and teachers, or you are his outlet. Either way, he needs to get a grip on his flashes and outbursts, and the diet, maybe a class like judo or something to get his energy out, and an anger management.
the Martial arts thing just popped into my head because they teach you a discipline and you are working your body at the same time. I believe in my heart that boys need an outlet. Have you thought about asking him how he feels about his dad being a fireman? The risk may cause him some stress on top of the pride that his dad is doing such a noble service. Small factors can lead to outbursts, and it sounds like he bottles up all his anger and then it just explodes onto you.
Anyway, I hope this helps and that your sons finds a happy medium where he is balanced.
-E. M

Since I have a grandson with ADHD I read a few books about it, hoping for some understanding as well as how to cope. That was several years ago and they decided to give him medication on a patch(after resisting using meds for a long time)
The one thing I remember was how ADHA manifests itself in poor impulse control because of the inability to foresee consequences of ones actions. I think it is wonderful (For him and everyone else) that he only acts in this impulsive rude manner with you. It is very hard on you, but wonderful that he is so eager to make amends. It is a tribute to how safe he feels with you and how unconditional your love is. I am sorry I do not know of anyone to recommend, but think you are on the right track and are doing the right thing.

Hope someone else can help...
blessings on you and your family N.

Hi S.- I feel for you. There were big changes in my very mellow, easy daughter around 9-10 years. It is so similar, when we expect her to do something like homework, chores etc. that's when she'll act out, no swearing but lots of anger yelling and tears. It's hard to know exactly what's happening in your house without seeing it but I would suggest that maybe his behavior is not all that unusual (but obviously NOT acceptable). I think the idea that there is something really wrong with him (ie. bi-polar or anger issues) might be a bit extreme. I would guess that the mommas posting that this is not normal either have little kids or raised their kids a long time ago. I have friends that are going through this with their kids at 9-12 years, both boys and girls. Kids at that age seem to go through the beginning of puberty, earlier than past generations did at maybe 12-13. The fact that he only does it to you means he has some control over it, it can't be a real mental problem or even ADHD because he would not be doing this at school, to his Father and it would be completely out of his control. I know my daughter gets frustrated and angry when she feels overwhelmed by responsibilities or is really tired or hungry. We expect a lot from our kids, my 11 year old has a day planner for god's sake and so many projects, tests & deadlines I wonder where the childhood went. Throw in after school sports, activities and the fact that they are growing up socially so quickly, our kids have a lot on their plates. For so much of their day they are expected to be totally in control and focused. I wonder if maybe he's just overwhelmed & frustrated. If a kid feels that way in general then hormones or just being hungry or tired can set off a tantrum. When he's calm can you talk with him about it? Try to get him to express his feelings in a more mature way. The fact that he feels sorry immediately after is a good sign. If I feel my girl getting uptight and ready to blow I'll say take a deep breath, or you're doing it again, please try to control yourself. I speak in an even tone and try very hard not to get drawn in, I try to calmly say just what I need to and nothing more. Another thing that really worked in our house was taking my husband and I out of the equation. We have a list on the fridge that clearly states expectations and instead of saying "do your homework, chores etc" we just say the list must be done by 8 or so each night. I'll remind with "Did you do your list?" That way the expectations seem to be already set, there isn't an opportunity for drawn out discussion or arguing. I also backed off the homework, thankfully my daughter cares about her grades and is a good student so I try to just let her deal with them on her own. If she has something she should be doing for school I'll remind but I try really hard to not get too involved, that's what grades and teachers are for, real life consequences can teach them so much and it keeps us from being the bad guys. I would just continue to be consistent with the consequences and be sure he's eating right and sleeping well. Try to stay calm and just send him to his room when it starts, as hard as it is don't get wrapped up in the tantrum. My daughter does exactly the same thing after she calms down, she's so sorry and writes apology notes and is remorseful. Be sure you accept the apology but do not give it anymore attention than the tantrum. I'll say I accept your apology but it does not excuse the behavior, whatever punishment is given for being out of line still stands and she knows that some things she says in anger just can't be taken back with a sorrowful note. Sometimes it almost seems the note and remorse is really to get her feelings out, for herself not me. Good luck, I know none of it is easy and I can't imagine not having another adult in the house for support, sometimes I think to myself is this really happening? How did we go from happy to crazy in a minute? Not having your husband around to back you up must be rough. Good luck!

My daughter was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Her behavior was very similar to what you are describing. I don't know if you medicate your son or not but I can tell you what we have done and it has helped emmensely. We were never interested in treating her with "traditional medicine". A friend referred us to a holistic doctor. He has been very helpful in turning this whole thing around through diet, rememdies, and counseling. I/we had to learn a whole new way of life as far as eating goes. We thought we were being healthy. We grow a lot of our own veggies now, my husband loves to garden so we're lucky in that respect. We eat as organically as possible staying away from processed foods, nitrates, dyes, high fructose sugars etc. It was very expensive at first but I've now learned where to go to get what we need. We also have been buying our beef at the county fair for the last couple of years in order to avoid horomones, and anything else that may be injected into an animal. At first it was like she went through a detox/withdrawls whatever you want to call a complete melt down. I could go on forever so if you are interested in talking more just let me know and I'd be happy to help more. It is a learning process for the child and family in many different ways. My daughter is doing so much better now in school from D & F's to A & B's so far this year.

Have you sat down with him during a quiet moment and asked him? And I don't mean right after one of these episodes. It is very possible that he A. misses his dad and doesn't know how to express it or B.knows how dangerous the work is that his dad does and doesn't know how to express himself.
I think that you and your husband need to sit down and write out rules and consequences and talk to your son together and then stick to it. Be firm and consistent.
Part of this is normal kid behavior, he is pushing your buttons. It is well worth exploring whether he has some fears or not though.
Good luck!

Hi S.,
I hear EVERY word you said. I had some of those same issue's. I wish I had an answer for you, I don't. Just thought I would atleast tell you, that you aren't alone. Our son is now 24. He has been tested for bi-polar issues but they come back negative & state he has AdHd. He is on retalin, and it seems to help him. He still has trouble sometimes with anger issues, not violent or anything, just angry??
Good Luck, I hope your family is able to get him the help you need. This is a family issue too, & I felt the same way. That I was going to have a nervous breakdown IF I didn't get a little help....The mom's here will have good answers for you, I hope, cause they usually think of things that never would have occured to me......Good Luck

I may be well off-base (especially not having a 9yo myself), but his behavior sounds A LOT like my almost 3yo when he doesn't get enough sleep. Temper tantrums, being mean, yelling, hitting.... How much sleep is your son getting? You may be surprised to learn that kids - especially boys for some reason - need more sleep.

Hi S.,

Check into a wellness home. It will change your child's personality to become sweeter.

If you want more info let me know.

N. Marie

You notice many good things about your son, especially that when he calms down he say he is sorry. I understand that it does not solve the problem entirely, but it is a very positive step, and I am not sure he gets enough acknowledgment for that. I wonder if his melt downs are not a preview of his upcoming hormonal changes. He does not know what it is, he does not understand his feelings, but he acts like an over assertive young man,and than he is the loving little boy, again.
I understand it is hard on you, but trying to find a way to change him is not very productive. May be you can look inward and see what emotional strategy you can take that will not make you so upset when your son is acting out, so you can be more calm, give him the space to vent (yes, in his room) and be forgiving and loving when he comes back to you.