My 3Rd Post for the Day, and Feeling Defeated...

Wow--must be something in the air today--my son had a freak out and ripped his room apart.
No advice--just know you're not alone.

This is exactly my daughter without the bad words. We discovered she has depression. (It runs in the family.) You should take her for a physical and talk to the doctor about what is going on. I also took my daughter to counseling..

My child is an angel with all others. At home, she feels free to be herself, which I how I prefer it....except when she acts like this. No one would ever believe us. It is that different.

We grounded her another day for every meltdown, yelling at us, etc... She was grounded for 7 weeks this summer. It was horrid, though she acted better for 2 months afterwards.

My husband is from a family where they tell the kids, usually only once, then BAM. I hate that and he doesn't want to do that, but we did try spanking. In my opinion, this provoked my child much worse.

We looked into sensory integration therapy but several pediatricians showed us research where it doesn't work longterm and costs a lot of time and money(which we have). The one who studied it is going to meet with us and give us some tips on how to prevent the meltdowns.

Part of the problem is me. I hate how slow she moves when cleaning and how she bops around while doing homework. I have nagged and stalked her trying to change her pace which frustrates her. My husband sets a timer, tells her she is grounded if x is not done, and walks off.

Also, I sometimes want her to come right NOW because the bus is coming or it is time to leave. She likes to finish everything before moving on and this again frustrates her. Still, she needs to behave.

It was so frustrating and I was so worried, I considered divorce. She never did the terrible twos and was the easiest baby. I don't think it is bipolar or oppositional defiant disorder. I think she is sensitive, sometimes overwhelmed, testing her limits, and frankly stubborn like us wanting her way. If the doctor has any ideas, I will post.

Hang in there:-0) Parenting is hard.

I'm sorry your going through this, raising a child can be very trying at times. I have two (now adult children), and a toddler. With my adult aged daughter, we went through scenario's like this. Not often, but we did. I remember one time my daughter called me a bit#!, I was floored. Part of it, was her triing to show me she had a mind of her own, was an independent girl, (as I brought her up to be), and she had so much building up inside her, that she just blew all at once. After that, we began a new 'ritual' of talking each night. Just me and her. You'd be surprised how well it works when you sit down & just calmly talk. I told her what I expected from her, and asked her what she expected from me as her Mom. From that time onward, through the teenage years, she always took me aside for a talk on her own accord. She is now 25, and is my best friend. My advice to you is to listen to her, really listen and be there for her, consistently. Get involved with her life more, get to know her friends. Encourage her to invite them over and have girls get togethers. I have to say, this & my daughter being involved in sports (which we were a part of), REALLY improved our relationship & made tough times easier.

If it's any consolation... you just described an average day with my mum and me at the same age... and 20 years later, we are the absolute best of friends.

I'm curious, however...

She behaves well in a single focus environment (school)
She has sensory issues
She has wild emotional swings / intense meltdowns
She misjudges social cues
She comes up with "bizarre" arguments (like the school v home thing... which actually makes a lot of sense to me, but my brain works that way)

... any chance she's ADHD?

((My teachers *loved* me, btw. And I had stellar grades right up until HW started being graded. But class participation and tests I always aced, so I had ZERO problems in school until they took away recess and started weighting HW as 60% of our grade. I still pulled mostly A's & B's until highschool when I put the bit between my teeth and flunked out on "principle" (absolutely refusing to do busywork if I knew the material / I decided school was supposed to be about learning instead of "playing the game", all the while acing the SATs and my 3 AP classes (ap engligh, ap us history, and ap bioligy). ADHD-i & ADHD-c folks tend not to get diagnosed until right around 5th grade, although once they/we are... it's so *obvious*, until then it's quite seriously pounding heads against the drywall)).

check out www.additudemag.com and see if you see your DD there

As a matter of fact... there's a new article on it that has to do with your clothing issue of earlier

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/6491.html

It sounds like you handled it well. The changes will not happen over night. Continue to talk to her calmly, do listen to what she has to say and give her absolute answers to her questions. She is saying you arent listening, so maybe there is something more you need to say to her that makes her know that you do understand what she's talking about. Hearing and listening are two different things. She's 9, she's got some anger issues obviously, you need to really hear her Mom and respond accordingly. I think if you stay firm, calm and dont waiver.... she will figure it out. It wont happen overnight so you cant give up just because she is still being a brat today, it's a slow process. Don't give up.
And, as a side note. I would have gotten a bar of soap and stuck it in her mouth immdediately after the F bomb.

The real shock factor would have been if you asked her that right back, word for word...Sounds like she is yearning for a certain type of relationship with you...spend some one of one time with her doing something she will enjoy and perhaps she will begin to open up about what it is she's longing for...I know it must be very hard and heartbreaking to be going through this...she is still a little girl and at 9 a lot of moms let their girls start doing things that are more appropriate for a teenager...hear her out so at least you can understand. And remind her that the things she wants to do are for mature, young ladies not for little girls who throw tantrums.

I have not read your other post today but need to tell you FIRST that you ARE NOT A BAD MOM. I feel like i should say it again "YOU ARENOT A BAD MOM" so please do not cry, it is a phase (possibly a long one) but it is a phase. The words coming out of her mouth are out of anger and things she hears from other girsl (obviousy) and she thinks the grass is green on the other side which is why she wants you to be like "suzys mom" or something. I personally think you all (as a family...meaning you, her and daddy...assuming he is around) need to take a step back. right now she is pissed at you...fine..you need to set a date with her soon...tomorrow night, sat morning at a resturant and just be pretty blunt with her "this is the expectation"...My motto is give them enough rope to hang themselves. you literally tell them they can have the world but if they mess up the oportunity then its punishment time...and then they know what to expect.
She is 9...so if she runs away, she is going to go to a friends house and the mom will call you...its not like she is 16 and will be on the streets...on that subject, you need to call her bluff.
Be strong mom...the small word of MOM is not an easy task but is super rewarding

TOMORROW IS FULL MOON. My mom once told me that if your kid does not tell you at least in once in their pre-teen to teen years that they hate you, then you are not doing your job right. Perhaps a little extreme, but it was meant as a teaching moment and it has stayed with me. I think you are doing the right thing, I have not been able to always stay calm when my 10 and 13 year old provoke me. And they are provoking on purpose, and they know they are doing it. This is the start of the age where they know everything (so they think) but they really are still just little kids. I read in one book that you have to figure out if you are talking to the child or the budding adult: one wants your limits and authority and the other scoffs at anyone telling them what to do.
Is this something brand new, did she go from a sweet little princess at 8 to acting more like a 16 year old the next year? Are there any other issues that could be making things tough for her? I know that my 13 year old is super sensitive and she can actually "hold it together" all day at school, but that meant that when she came home she finally felt safe to "let it all out". Lucky me, I got all the tears and tantrums. However, once I realized that she really needed to let it out and after that she was usually calmer and rational, it was easier to accept. I have also left my daughter notes with pros and cons of various situations. Sometimes the distance of a written conversation allows for honesty without the drama.
Consider yourself hugged, the fact that you are emotional about this encounter means you care which makes you a good mama. We are all new at this, and even the best friends do not have the exact same situation and kids, so we are all learning as we go. Pat yourself on the back for the effort you are making, and guide her with your values as you have been doing. Once she makes it to 25 you will be the best, most loving and smartest woman she has ever known.

try difficultchild.com & see if there is a workshop in your area.

Make a promise to yourself & her that the next time she throws or rips up anything that the door comes off her room & ALL her belongings get packed up, only leave the bed & pillow & blanket NOTHING ELSE!!!!!!!!!!

also see if you can make a 'deal' with her; ask her to write down things she wants you to do, say, how she expects you to react to her when she is yelling, cussing, throwing things etc, ask her to write down how her friends mothers act & what they would do if their kid cussed at them. Then let her know you will be writing down things you want and expect out of her. Compare the lists & have an open honest discussion & agreement about changing both of your behaviors. Write up a contract if need be & both of you sign it.

She is pretty young to be behaving like this. She sounds like a handful & a challenge for you. It's hard to pinpoint the real problem on a forum with such little insight of your relationship with your daughter. But I will say this, you have to do a lot of soul searching to figure out your role in your daughters behavior; were you too lenient, did you over compensate her, did you over indulge her, did you yell & cuss her out at any point, did you bring lots of men in & out of her life, what's your relationship with your family, etc the list goes on & on.

My friend is in a similar situation as you but she has a son & he is 13. She is single, his dad is a loser & has been in his life the past 6 yrs as an EOW dad, she over indulged her son really bad, WAY to lenient, never stuck out punishments, etc. I found out he has been physical with her pretty often & he refuses to go to school, & he has absolutely no respect for authority. Her family & I got her to apply to a children's rehabilitation center called Mooseheart. He was recently accepted & will be moving there in the next 2 weeks. It's an excellent program & one of a kind facility. The kids go to school right there on campus, they have all the sport teams imaginable, kids join 4H club, they have a farm, there is so much more. Luckily for my friend this place is 15 minutes away from her home but they have kids there from all over the world. If she wants, he can come home every other weekend too.

This program is something to really think about, even if it's just to scare her into behaving, so order some literature or go online. Also get some military school pamphlets & boot camp.

I really wish you two the best of luck.

I see that you are a single mom, like me. It is not easy without the father around. You have to play the role of both parents, and that is very tough. I feel for you.

My feeling is that you need to continue setting clear boundaries, and let your daughter know, in no uncertain terms, that swearing at you is not okay. She needs to know there are big consequences for this. Yeah, some parents are lenient on this, but honestly, I just sat through a subway ride with some very rude middle schoolers, saying really horrible things in front of my 4-year-old. They just don't care, and that is not acceptable. More than anything, it makes kids who do this look dumb, so try to let your daughter know that her swearing is only going to be detrimental to who she is.

At the same time, I think you need to validate her feelings, reflect back to her that you hear that she is unhappy, you hear that she wishes you were like someone else's mom, etc. Ask her what would make her feel that you were a fair and good mom. And really listen to her, too. Try to explain the reasons why you give her discipline and boundaries, without being too authoritarian. Here is a link to various parenting styles that I found helpful: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles

I am certain you are a good mom, and that you are trying your best. The nature of a single parent's relationship with his/her child is complex and can be difficult, because both the parent and the child feel the lack of something. It could be your daughter wishes she had her father around and is angry about this. It could be that she feels you punish her too much, and don't love her enough. It could be many different things, and you won't really know, unless you keep an open heart, and just be there for her and listen to her. This doesn't mean you have to obey everything she says, but listen, and then tell her your reasons for what you do. You give her rules and boundaries to protect her, to guide her, and to help her. Not to punish or to humiliate or to make her feel bad or less of a person for what she does.

Don't worry about your argument. Get some good rest, and show your daughter that you are gonna be there for her, no matter what. Don't be too hard on yourself, and make sure you show your daughter you love her, unconditionally, in any way you can. Kids will push the boundaries, and those with strong personalities especially so. But you can make it into a good learning experience for both of you, if you are open to hearing what she has to say, and make her feel she has valid opinions, too. I still remember how my dad didn't take something I said seriously when I was around your daughter's age, and how bad that felt to me. Kids are different from adults, but they are people with opinions, too. And sometimes those opinions can help us to try to become better people, too. Best wishes.

L., my advice is to get your daughter into counseling. Call a women's shelter or resource center in your area and ask for referrals. When you get to the point where you aren't sure how to handle your daughter calling you the B-word and asking what the F is wrong with you......
You need some professional insight.

I am a single mom and have raised two kids by myself. They would never dare speak to me that way. or rip up anything important to me. It sounds like she's got anger issues and getting to the bottom of it will be your first line of defense.
If she can treat other people with kindness, she can treat you with kindness as well. I know that my own daughter often gave me some grief because so and so's mother allowed a friend to do x, y, or z or other parents did things differently. Discussing the differences was fine, but I wasn't putting up with her punishing me for not being them. I told my daughter, "I would love to have been born to royalty, but I wasn't. I had a normal every day mom and dad who loved me and no we weren't rich and no we didn't have swimming pools and fancy cars, but they taught me love and respect. They taught me to be a good person..I turned out just fine and am raising my kids the same way. What other moms do has nothing to do with me."

You're not a failure. You need to get a grip on her. She wants home to be more like school. Is school more rigid? Maybe that's what she wants.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I think sometimes kids are begging for someone to give them something other than the calm, lovey, dovey talk.
I don't think there's anything wrong with a kid knowing that you are flat out mad at them and their hurtful behavior will not be tolerated. Period. That leaves no room for any grey area when it comes to name calling and swearing.
Personally, I think she needs you to toughen up a bit and let her know where the line is and what will happen if she crosses it.
If you need help, ask for it. You can't allow this to continue. That's all I know.

I wish you the best.

Obviously she shouldn't be allowed to swear at you, but I want to address something else.

Your daughter is asking you a question. When the two of you have calmed down, why don't you ask her in what way she would like you to be like her friend's mom, and in what way she would like your home to be more like school?

Then you should LISTEN to what she tells you. There may be some things you can improve. Don't be defensive and tell her why she shouldn't feel that way. Take her suggestions, and try improving yourself. Even if you're already a great mom, there are things you could do better.

Listen to your daughter. You are focusing too much on "getting her to behave," and not at all on what she's trying to tell you.

this sounds devastating. i can understand your frustration. you are doing what you feel is best for your daughter. you are raising her the way your parents raised you. this society teaches us to control our kids. control what they eat, when they sleep, who they can hang out with, etc. what this society does not teach us is that our kids are people, just like anyone one else. they are not here for us to control. they need to learn to live their own lives and they cannot do that if we choose to control them. boundries are neccesary, but our ideas of boundries and rules are beyond what they should be. your daughter is crying out to you. she is begging you to listen. she is feeling upset, frustrated and angry. let her get it out. when you ask her to stop you are teaching her to repress those feelings. she is mad and a lot of her anger is directed towards you. that doesn't mean that she does not love you. it means that she is trying to let out her anger. it is coming out as rage because she has suppressed it so long. let her get it out. tell her you understand. listen to her. do not get angry with her for telling you her feelings. do not give her reasons this or that. just listen, really listen. that is all she is asking. you will see an incredible shift in maturity. nobody is perfect and there are no mistakes... only lessons. good luck.

been there done that 10 yr olds (apperently yours is starting early) want to spread their wings. they want it thier way or no way. you are the reason for all of thier problems. You are not a failure its an age thing. They don't like authority at that age. be ready for it again at 15 and 17. hang in there this will pass I promise she is just trying to break you so she can get her way. I did the same thing to my mom at 15. was it right no. did I get my way no. did I know better no because I thought the grass was greener on the other side. come to find out it wasn't. Now that I am older I know it wasn't

I recommend reading "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". I generally hate the idea of self help books or whatever, but I read this the other day. I thought it wouldnt work b/c my daughter is only 3, but it has helped me to keep her meltdowns from going on forever. Maybe it could give you some tips for dealing with a 9 year old?

I'm sorry you're having to go through that! I'd be very hurt of my daughter wanted me to be like someone else's mom.

Where is her dad at in all of this behavior? She needs to learn respect no doubt about, but you should listen to her, I think she is getting out of control cause she feels frustrated that you are no listening. Oh by the way one mom said her mom told her if your teen goes through the teen years and does not tell you at least once they hate you, your are doing something wrong. WRONG AS 2 LEFT FEET I have raised 3 kids, never once was told they hated me, and we had a close knit family full of love and respect. Try and listen to her more, monitor her friends, music, TV watching, and if dad is in the picture get him involved. The F word should never come out of a childs mouth. J.

I didn't read all the posts and obviously I don't know all of what goes on in your house or relationship, but have a 10 year old daughter. Some times it is hard for them to express themsleves calmly. I am not saying it is ok to be rude or yell, but it sounds like your daughter is trying to tell you something adn maybe it is somethign you don't want to hear. If you keep shutting her down without letting her get her message out, how will you know hwat is bothering her? Some of the posts I read said to stand firm, take control, but really it sounds like she needs someone to LISTEN, in a non-judgemental way.

Sigh, I'm so sorry! It is so hard sometimes.

There are many possible ways to deal with this. Unfortunately you will have to try a few on before you find one that helps, and then it may not work forever.

On the one hand you can go commando and take everything out of her room and she has to earn it back. (Dr. Phil method)

On the other hand is the "Love and Logic" method. If you can find the book at the library that would help.They also have a website www.loveandlogic.com. A Christian viewpoint that is similar is www.lovingonpurpose.com.

Take a deep breath and don't forget that whatever you do, you have to be consistent. It takes time.
blessings to you and your daughter.

Hi L.
I do not have a 9 year old daughter, I have two boys aged 5 and 7 who sometimes think it is their job to literally push me to my limits.
You are doiong the right thing in staying calm with her. It sounds like she maybe (in a strange kind of way) enjoys the drama that her meltdowns create. You have to stay calm and understand that she needs to see that her behavior is not affecting you and you will not lose your temper with her. this will take time as do all new discipline approaches.
Give her firm boundaries and clear consequences and follow through every time she violates those boundaries. She will have to learn that you mean business and she will come around.
I saw your post earlier and liked how you greeted her from school with a "slate wiped clean" approach after the morning meltdown. At least it made life better for a few hours.
You are doing a great job, just take one day at a time :0)
P.S most kids wish their parents were more like someone elses at some point, try not to take it personally.

Okay, it might be that you work at night and sleep during the day and not around. The other mom is always there doing things with her daughter. It sounds like you wants more time with you one on one. Do you have boundaries set up? Where did she get the language from? Where is teh respect? How about some counseling for both? She is angry about something or many things. Try to get to the bottom now before she is a teen and out of control.

Have you tried to contact the CPS and explain that you have a child that is good but you want him/her to find out where they would go if they did not listen to you and that she wants to run away. They may do for you what mine did for me and that was to take him down to CPS and speak with a counselor. It made a big difference in his actions and to this day he speaks about his trip. Sometimes it is called tough love but it does work.

Being a single parent you are probably stressed out with just taking care of the two of you. She may feel this stress and is feeding into it to push more buttons. Whatever you do, don't give up on her. Her life is not easy either so remember that.

I will keep you both in my thoughts. Raising kids now days is not like in the past with all the outside influences.

The other S.

.

I wouldn't have held back the tears. She doesn't think she's hurting you.

And I totally agree with Grandma T!!!

I have a 10 year old daughter and she acts the same way at times I KNOW what you are going through.One minute everything is fine and the next it is like a firecracker going off. I have felt like crying and have cried at times!! It is nice to know I am not alone!!!!! Just hang in there stay calm breath you handled that situation great!!! Remember when she is saying mean things she doesn't mean them. I have to remind myself that when my daughter throws her fits and says mean things. I think it might be a hormonal thing. I hope this makes you feel a little better at least u know ur not alone!!!!

This is the game that kids and teens play, and it sounds like she's moving into the teen category early. They want to wear you down and RULE the home.

STAND FIRM. If she goes to her room, you go with her and REMOVE all games, phone, computer, toys, whatever she'd be doing in there. Going to your room is to sit quietly and be bored and THINK about your behavior. So if removing all that stuff is too hard, then send her to an empty room, like the laundry room or something like that. Do not allow her to not obey you.

Swearing, that ends immediately. Put some hot pepper in her mouth, those words are not to come out. Is she hearing this at home, on TV, or from friends/school? If at home, you need to end it. If on TV, don't watch stuff like that with her around. If its normal conversation in the home or what's watched on TV, she has every right to use it because you haven't taught her that its not ok. Its what every other adult says when they're angry. If she's just picked it up at school/friends, find out from who and follow up with teachers/parents.

If you tell her a conversation is over, then make her leave the room if she continues with it. Don't allow her to yell at you. Remove her from you, whatever you have to do. And if she offers to run away, don't freak out. Tell her that if she does you'll have to call the police to find her, but stay calm.

I know this is emotionally draining. Have courage. But stand firm, you need to nip this behavior in the bud, she's going to get worse if you take it.

Best wishes!

{{HUGS}} My daughter just turned 10 over the summer and our girls sound like they might be related! lol The attitude, fit throwing, tantrums.......it really does get to be too much and we start questioning ourselves as to where we went wrong and thinking we are horrible parents. My daughter has a step dad, and we've been married since she was 4yrs old and she sees her bio dad a few times a year too. I don't remember ever acting like that but I'm sure it was because my dad would have spanked me with the belt if I had!

You are on the right track and keep doing what you are doing!!! She will push your buttons until you crack but DON'T crack!! I think it has to do with them starting to go through the hormonal changes too. Mine will get really weepy about once a month for a few days. She is no where near getting ready to start her period yet but the emotional roller coaster is there!

Keep your head up and stand your ground. She will tell you all sorts of ugly things but just remember in the long run, she still loves you!!

S.

Sounds like you are doing a fine job L.. Don't give up. You are not here to be her friend, you are here to be a parent, and it sounds like you are doing a great job! Consequences for actions are just the beginning of what happens in life. Discipline, is what makes good adults... As for the "F' bomb, I would give her one warning that if you ever hear that again out of her mouth, it's not going to be good......Sad thing is, you probably have a few more years of this, but in the end, she will appreciate you. I know it's hard, but it is the truth. Hang in there, be strong, be a parent, and one day you will pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you did a good job!! Good Luck!!

L. I feel for you. When our kids do everything against what we've taught them it's heartbreaking.
But it sounds like you handled things pretty much right. Don't let her take control. Make her understand that you are the parent and have the last word. And I would push the fact that if what came out of her mouth is what she learned at school or at the friend's house, then that will not be acceptible either. She needs to apologize. She needs to know boundaries. If she doesn't want you checking up on her at school, then she should be alert as to who she hangs around with, if she's learning bad habits there. She should clean up any mess she makes and anything destructive she does. Home is NOT school, and if she wants it that way then it will be doing school related stuff and not video games or whatever she does in her pasttime. Your home, your rules. At school, it's school rules. And there's no deviation.

keep your chip up and don't give in. I made the mistake of giving in too often. Perhapes she is add and to much is too much for her. I think your situation is not unusual at all. My now 12 year old is the type of child that will test me for the rest of my life. I feel your pain and perhaps you need a support group and family councling. I have a wonderful lady in the Livonia/Plymouth area if your interested pelase e-mail me at ____@____.com. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers. Did you say you were a single parent?

Your support mom
M.