My 9-year old (almost 10!) has decided her new fun game is to hide from me when she knows it's time to do something. For example, in order to ask her to get ready for bed I first have to FIND her. She knows when it's time to get ready for bed, or clean her room etc. so she hides.
She's getting good at hiding, then appearing as if she were "there all along" and "didn't hear me" when I asked her to do a task. It takes me extra time to find her! Plus I have things to do, so I get annoyed. I tried playing the "game" a few times but seriously, I don't want to play a game when I have things to do and there are things she needs to do!
I've tried standing in the middle of a room and stating what I need done, stating the consequence if it doesn't get done, and then leaving. She always claims she didn't "hear me." I don't know if she did or not and my husband thinks I'm unfair if I enforce a punishment that she didn't know about. I think at 9 years old she's plenty aware of it! I've told her many times what will happen if she hides. I can't check every room at the same time and she's good at coming up with clever reasons of where she's been, and how she wasn't hiding. I don't want to go room to room and state everything over and over. Lately I can't catch her actually hiding, but I know she is.
I've tried talking to her and letting her know that if she's caught hiding I will give her a consequence like take away her phone or her iPod. Grounding her from friends doesn't work because she doesn't have playdates that often and by the time she has a playdate scheduled, it doesn't have the same effect to enforce a punishment from 2 weeks earlier. However, I will take away phone and iPod and she will still hide, or pretend that she wasn't hiding.
I want to just make her responsible for watching the time then, and getting ready for bed on her own. My husband thinks that's too much for a 9-year old. Yes, I know, he's part of the problem. He's often not home when I have to deal with this and thinks it's not a big deal.
Right now if it's dinner time and I can't find her then we eat without her. Just one time of showing up after we ate most of our food was enough to make her available at dinner time. Just not sure what to do about chore time, or bed time.
I know I sound like I have a stupid problem, but so far all my solutions haven't worked. Currently she's without phone, iPod, video games and she just hid from me 5 minutes ago! When asked why she hides she says "because I don't want to do XYZ." We've gone over why she needs to help or do XYZ. I'm just frustrated and can't think straight!
Why not invest in a bell...when you want her ring it really loud...she can't say she can't hear it...or an air horn. She then has x number of minutes to be front and center for instructions from you. If she is not...then there are consequences.
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I stand in the living room and say in my most loudest mom is pissed voice ONE!!! If my kids do not get their butts down or into the living room they are punished.
I have withheld dinner and given cat litter chores for a week for not paying attention to me. And when I do have to resort to ONE!!! they come running. THey hate doing each other's day of cat litter, or picking up dog doo.
I would also take the phone and iPod away indefintely. She can earn those back and hiding will make them stay away until she stops .
Sounds like someone is in dire need of a spanking.
She's choosing to ignore you Mom.
You might do two things....set aside some time to play hide and go seek with her...let her hide...then find her...then the next time ignore her back....don't make dinner for her....don't ask her to go to bed....don't wake her up this weekend...just go about your business, and when she asks why she's being ignored....you can tell her it was a game.
I think that's reverse psychology or a taste of your own medicine. Then seize the moment and discuss what is respectful and what is disrespectful....but I think your daughter is needing some one on one time from you.
Oh Heck NO!
She would not last a day with me. 9 years old, so next fall she will be in 4th or 5th grade? That is too old to act like this.
When I call my child, she is to answer me. We actually do not yell across the house. We go to each other to speak with each other.
If I could not find my child, I guess I would yell, But I would not be pleased.
Explain to her tonight, there is no more hiding. It is not funny and she is wasting your time.
If you eat dinner and you all are finished, no dinner for her. Also make her eat alone if you all are in the middle of the meal, leave her to eat alone and have HER clean all of the dishes, pots and pans.
If she hides at night. I would turn off every light in the house, except my bedroom and I would close the door and be done. She can get ready by herself.
If she does not do her chores, keep taking things away.
Have you unplugged the cable on the TV, The DVD player?, Place er stuffed animals in a trash bag? or whatever are her favorite things?
Both you and your husband need to get on board with this. DO NOT back down. She wants attention, you give it to her, by letting her know this is totally unacceptable behaviors.
I would stop playing the game with her.
Take away, and keep away the privileges - all privileges, including the ones she has already lost.
Make a list of her responsibilities
Make a list of the consequences
Post it on the fridge, in her bedroom, and on her bathroom mirror
Then stop looking for or calling her. She now has all the rules in writing there is no discussion needed. I liked on of the Mom's suggestions to just not call her for dinner, or wake her up, to just go about your life and let her be.
Right now all you are doing is encouraging her negative behavior because she gets a huge response from you. So now you need to have no response.
And yeah, your husband needs to step up on this one also.
Good Luck
God Bless
At 9 almost 10 she is defiantly old enough to be responsible for getting her self ready for bed and her chores done, if you husband doesn't think so let him play the game. :) Put the choice in her hands. Is bed time a set time every day? Does she have cores that she is responsible for every day? Make a list of the things she is responsible for and by what time they need to be done. laminating the list so she can check if off when it is done and then erase it and start new the next morning is help full. Next to that make a list of consequences. Let her know that the choice is hers. Don't talk about it any more. She is without phone, iPod and video games, how about toys friends and tv? Everything she has outside of a roof, bread and water is a privilege, yes even the right to sleep in a bed is a privilege. Just as you would have the things that you do unless you went to work and earned the money to have them, neither does she. Then there is not any "I didn't here you." Hearing you isn't necessary as soon as it is made very clear what she is responsible for. I would sit down with her and go over the expectations and consequences and then be very cut and dry, you may offer a second chance but I wouldn't. Then it is either you did it or you didn't. If Dad wants to play then let him she will learn what to expect from you and behave better for you then she does him.
each time she claims to have not heard you or she is not available during a time she knows is bed or chore time, take something away, until all she is left with is a mattress on the floor. Make her earn her things back by doing what she is supposed to do when she is supposed to do them without being asked. She is plenty old enough to watch the time, my 7 year old knows when it is bed time and will come tell me the time if I have not noticed.
I would make a list of what needs to be done and when it is to be finished. Tell her you will not look for her anymore. Dinner is at 6, be there or starve etc. If she needs to be taken somewhere, hide from her and don't come out until you know she will be late, very late. Ask her how much she likes it. I would continue to do that until she gets it. Hiding is not funny. For instance what if the weather changed suddenly and a tornado was coming straight toward your house and she thought you were calling her to do dishes or something and refused to come out?
I remember when my daughter was about 14 and we were in the car on the way home. We got into an arguement and she started yelling at me and saying mean things. I told her to stop yelling and talk nice to me. Well she continued... I pullled the car to the curb, shut it off, took the keys and my purse and walked home. I left her there fuming.... A little while later a friend of hers came over to get her to go somewhere and I told them what happened and they went and got her. I waited a little while and walked back to get my car. I never had to say again 'stop it or I will pull this car over...'
Lesson learned.
Yes I was (am) the mean MOM. Now I am close to all of my kids, they are 36-33-24-20. They know I would walk through fire for them, but I don't put up with BS from them or anyone else.
I would make a "clock". Any time you waste looking for her is put on her clock and she owes you that time later - more chores, earlier bedtime, whatever. My SD used to lag getting to bed til we said that every minute over her bedtime one night would be added to the next night. She was half an hour early to bed one night and knew it was her own doing. That got her attention finally, though. Sometimes I think you need to say, "This game is over and this is the new rule" and go with it. Worked for dinner, didn't it?
It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to do it. Maybe making her do it for x minutes longer will get her attention.
I would tell her (and her father) that if she hides, you are going to assume she can hear you anyway and will enact a consequence. She has been warned and from here on there's no excuse that "I didn't hear you".
