8 Yr Old Yelling at Me

I have one of these 8 year olds too. I ignore her if she is yelling. It is so hard to do, but she doesn't get the response that she wants or was getting before. I stare right though her and ignore her IF she is yelling, or I leave the room. If she is complaining in a normal voice, I hear her out, without interrupting and then calmly give a suggestion. Sometimes they don't want suggestions or help, they just want to complain. Which is fine - but they have to do it in a normal voice. Just being an active listener - "really?, "that's too bad", "I hate when that happens" - without suggestions, is what they are looking for. All of us want to be heard, and sometimes we moms are so quick to fix the complaint we forget to actually just hear them.
Good luck!

Hi H.,

My experience with parenting (three daughters ages 29, 9 and 7 and 1 son age 23, as well, as 1 grandson age 7) has shown me that kids are born with their own personalities. Some are simply more pessimistic than others. Dealing with a pessimistic, grumpy person can be very frustrating. Especially when that person is your eight year old daughter, because you cannot simply avoid them! However, you do not have to be abused by her and you must set up ground rules with consequences when you daughter's behavior becomes abusive to you or others.

Oftentimes, we have to settle on the realization that they are simply unhappy and certain individuals tend to be very vocal with their moods. However hard it is, try not to overreact.

Your daughter, just as we women frequently are with our husbands, is not necessarily wanting you to solve her problems as much as she wants you to listen to her and give her an opportunity to vent.

Try being empathetic with your daughter. Saying something like "boy, it sure sounds like you are having a bad day." is open ended and will allow your daughter to respond in anyway she wants. This may give you some insight into what is really bugging her. Your daughter, herself, may not even know why she is unhappy. It is not impossible for her to be under the influence of some prepubescent hormone swings!

The funny thing about kids is as soon as we find out a way to work with them they change! God bless you and your family.

J. L.

Hi H. i know i am a little late but I still wanted to help
I have been an occupational therapist with children for nearly 30 years.I have many books for parents to read, one of my most frequently checked out books was a book called Your Eight Year Old
I cant give you the book but the site below may help you understand where she is coming from developmentally.

In my opinion eight year olds are a little like 4 tmes a two year old, as they trying to learn to think for themselves and are no longer compliant to the desires of their parents

http://childparenting.about.com/od/childdevelopment/a/eig...

Hi H.,
You got lots of very sensible advice, but if you try all those things and find that you are still not getting through to her, it may be time to consider another possibility. By all means, try the sensible advice first. But if you do, and it just doesn't work for your child, she may have a problem with OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If that is the case, no amount of discipline or understanding will work, and I don't want you to get discouraged or think you are a bad parent. If she becomes outraged on a daily basis over things like, you called her blouse a shirt, instead of using the right word, or if she has unreasonable fears or worries, about things having to be just right. If so, she can't help it, and the constant struggling with each other is bad for both of you.
There is help, though, I just wanted to shine a little light in that direction, if you try all the other things and find that she still struggles. There is Vitamin therapy that is very helpful for OCD, "cognitive behavior therapy" (the book is called Brainlock), and finally, there is medication. But diet and vitamins and everything else should be tried first. You can write to me privately if you want to persue this further. B.

She understands. Children understand by 2 1/2-3 years of age (some even sooner). She's testing you and is so use to getting her way that it makes it harder for you to break the bad behavior. Keep her in time out for as long as you have to. Friday nights "Supernanny" showed the mom having to put the child in time out. 17 times the child came out on her own so 17 times the mom had to put her back until the child tired out and stayed there. When the minutes were over mom knelt down to her lever and looked her in the eyes and said you were put there for your bad behavior not listening to mommy. Now tell me you're sorry and give me a hug. She did. 2 nites later an older sibling came out of bed at night 34 times. Again, mom followed thru and the child fell asleep on the floor. Mom put a blanket on her during the night but didn't move her. The sibling went to bed like a good girl for the next 6 weeks that Supernanny comes back to check in on. You must stick with the punishment. You are woman! You can do this.

I highly recommend reading this book: http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-M...
There are practice groups in the area as well. You are doing the right thing by not yelling back, this only models the behavior you are seeking to end. The trick is to figure out her feelings behind the yelling and what need is not getting met. My teenage daughter is almost 18, suffering from mild depression, and still cannot control herself in my house and from everything I've read she should be starting to be able to calmly state how she is feeling and that just almost isn't happening. At her father's house she just represses everything she feels so she sways back and forth weekly from suffering by holding everything in to just letting it all out without regard to the other person (in this case me). I've found that implementing the strategy in this book is the only thing that helps.

Hi H., I'm very late with this response; however, I wanted to add my two cents. Don't rule out (after you try all of the 'reasonable' solution) that your daughter could be either OCD or bi-polar. My son (adopted at birth) has displayed similar characteristics which escalated around 7 or 8 -- everyone said he was ADHD -- I didn't think so. I read ALL the books on hard to discipline children, did every behavior modification known, and nothing worked. I finally got one doctor to listen to me and he did a qEEG test (Quantitative EEG - Dr. Robert Kline) which maps a person brain and tells pretty clearly what, if anything, may be amiss. It's really a wonderful tool. My son's test came back bi-polar (NOT ADHD!). He is doing better now (finally). So, just keep this in mind if things get worse -- look up symptoms on computer for OCD, and Bi-polar children -- if it doesn't fit, throw it out. If it does, keep a watch so you will be able to respond adequately. Hope this helps. S.

I wanted to agree with the ones that mentioned that she could be bipolar or OCD. A therapist or psychiatrist could help you diagnose her.

I also wanted to recommend www.flylady.net and the sister site www.housefairy.org. The house fairy helps you to be able to give your daughter positive feedback and make keeping her room clean fun.

My daughter got especially bad like this when she was 8 (she's now 9) - I started guessing it was hormones. We started getting hormone-free products, such as milk, etc.. She's still a little crazy at times, especially when tired, but a lot better. Girls are developing really early these days - not unheard of to have a period at age 10 (or even age 9 - can you imagine).

Hi- we have the same problem, and ironically my kids are the same ages. My daughter seems to get worked up about anything or everything these days. We have tried all kinds of things - time -out, in her room, ignoring her, walking away, etc.... Some days it works some days it doesn't. I swear it hormones!!! Also, i wonder if it is true - mothers & daughters. Good luck!!!!

Hi.
You might want to consider that something difficult is going on for her in school? Something new? It is not acceptable to be disrespected, but the sudden change in behavior might suggest that she is in a difficult situation with friends from school (I have an 8 yr old girl too, I'm thinking playground dynamics ...) and she is venting (inappropriately) when she gets home for the day. It might be worth asking during a calm moment what's going on with her ... also, if she hates her bangs, let her decide what to do about it ...
You are right, you do need to stand your ground. She also needs some control over her person. Good luck!

Have you tried actually talking to her about how shes feeling, and REALLY listening to what she has to say? For example, in the situation where she said she was cold, maybe ask her what she thinks can be done to make herself warmer, instead of telling her what YOU think she should do. I would guess that she is yelling because she doesnt feel as though she is being listened to. You can stand your ground and be the mom, while still listening to and respecting her opinions, as a human being. Shes not a baby anymore. The fact that you are forcing her to grow out her bangs, a fact which you admit she hates, sounds to me that you may not be comfortable with her growing up and being in charge of her own life, to the extend which is appropriate for her age. So if shes yelling, stop and ask yourself why, and then really engage her in dialogue. Shes young enough still that she will most likely talk to you, as opposed to a teenager who would just clam up. Good luck.

H.,

I would take away something she treasures for a full day every time she raises her voice at you. Nip it in the bud, it will get worse if you don't. You are the mom and she needs to respect that. And make her hang her clothes up while she is in her room thinking about disrespecting her mom. Do not try to be her friend, she will walk on you. Just make sure you tell her love her often, but you are the mom. I wish I took my own advice when my sweet daughter was her age!!!
Good luck!!

I must say that I am a little shocked that a mother would reccomend bipolar at such a young age. I am an adult who has bipolar disorder and I was very well behaved as a child. Symptoms of this disorder do not show themselves until middle teens and even then it is not reccomended to put a child on antipschycotic drugs. Having a child labeled at the age of eight with this disorder is almost cruel. I also have an eight year old daughter who yells. But never in a million years would I go outside of the possibility of age appropriate behavior as the excuse. Depending on your parenting style and how you discipline your child is the reaction you are going to get from her. Please do not have a label placed on your child, it is like a glass ceiling, it prevents her from reaching her full potential. This behavior is a phase that you will need to work through. Medicating her truly is a cop out.

I'm sure you're overrun with advice, but here's a bit more. Check out "Parenting With Love and Logic." It's a book, a system for enjoying kids. As a teacher, I find this way empowering and enjoyable, once I got the hang of it. It engages children in the process of problem-solving and helps you keep your dignity, cool, and sanity. It helped me enjoy being in the classroom more. The books are easy and fun to read...lots of anecdotes to help you relate. Good luck.

The trick - and it's not always easy - is to absolutely not engage her or try to reason with her when she does this. It's all about control - she's trying to control you, and you're trying to get her to control herself. She's saying "YOu can't blame me if I'm cold." Sounds like she's already planning ahead on why you shouldn't discipline her. She's a smart one!

YOu definitely have to be the parent here, so that means your job is not to make her happy if she's doing something wrong. You can tell her you will not listen when she yells but then you have to walk away. If you have to pick things off the floor, then she's getting you to do her housekeeping. I realize she can't do everything as well as you can, but putting some shelves or one of those lower closet rods in her closet can make things accessible to her. I wouldn't be against taking her out, or to school, in her pajamas if she doesn't pick something out - you can throw a bag of clothes in the car and you'll be surprised at how fast she will settle down and put on what you have set aside.

You can also take away all the things she says are problems or no good. Clothes that "don't keep her warm" can be removed. Wait until she wears the same thing 2 days in a row - the other stuff will look pretty good!

You can also take away privileges or luxuries - we took away my son's toy cars and legos when he couldn't put them away. We left him his comfort items - stuffed animals, for example, and books. You can take things away as a consequence of her behavior, or you can take things away because she has too much to take care of in her closet and tell her you're making it easier by giving her less to do. Whatever you do, do it consistently.

Model the behavior you want - no yelling when she yells (as tempted as you will be!). Try to give her the skills to prioritize. Put responsibilities back on her shoulders that she is able to handle - I went to a teacher workshop and the catch-phrase we were taught was "How unfortunate for you." Let's say a child doesn't want to wear gloves on a cold day. Okay, you KNOW he's gonna be cold. You warn once: "Okay but it's very cold outside and we can't come back in once we go out to recess because I have to supervise all the children." In 2 minutes of outside recess, of course the kid is freezing and wants to go back for gloves. The teacher's answer: "How unfortunate for you. MY hands are nice and warm because I have my gloves. Look at the fun the other kids are having because they wore their gloves. I guess you'll just have to keep your hands in your pockets today." Kid keeps complaining, teacher answers "How unfortunate for you." It puts the responsibility back on the kid. You can adapt the same thing - set a timer, and you're leaving the house in whatever she's wearing when the timer goes off. It's then HER decision whether to find something or go in her pj's. Walk away. It's SO hard but it works.

On the hair - she can have a choice of, say, a barette or a headband, or she can wear a hat to cover everything. No other options.

When my son didn't want to get his act together and go to school (for whatever reason), I just didn't engage him. I told him the law required that every kid be accounted for, so when he was good and ready, we would go in to school and stop in the office so he could just explain to the principal that he didn't want to come to school, get dressed on time, and so on. I said it calmly and with no judgment or warning tone in my voice (hard as that was!) - and boy, he didn't want to engage the principal because he knew the behavior was unacceptable. So it was just a control game with me.

he lost...

Good luck! Just find some phrases and consequences that you are comfortable with, and use them all the time.

Well, to make her understand, I think the only thing you can do is this: when she starts yelling, for whatever reason, immediately stop what you are doing, walk over to her, take both of her hands into yours, or say 'let me have your hands, please' and hold them, and say firmly, looking right into her eyes: "Do not yell. Please do not yell. The end." and then walk away. If she continues to yell, go back to her repeat what you just did. Keep going over and keep saying "do not yell" and "the end" This shows that YOU are the boss. And she will get tired of hearing you say that. Hope it works if you decide to use it. Good luck.

I have an 8 year old and if he speaks to me in an inappriate way I tell him I definately won't listen to him an there will be concequences.He knows I mean business.I always follow through.It really does work for us.Good luck.T.

H.,

My 9 1/2 year old daughter still yells at me on a regular basis but I think it may be getting a little better now....

For her ninth birthday I gave her a "Mommy/Daughter Journal". I started it by writing her a small note telling her that I wanted to start writing back and forth with her as much as she'd like to - that way she would be able to tell me her feelings even if I'm not right there. Sometimes she writes "mad" stuff or she'll complain, other times she'll write about how much she loves us. I think that since it's a special thing for just the two of us it has helped her think about what she's feeling before she writes it down.

I wish you luck - I know how difficult it is to attempt to discuss something with someone that doesn't want to even try any ideas to make a situation better. Sometimes there's just no reasoning with kids!

Hang in there! And, remember - don't take it personally! She's lashing out at you because she's the most comfortable with you.

H., the first thought I had when reading about you and your daughter was that the issue is not about the hair and clothes. I think she is trying to assert her independence, but she needs to learn how to do that in an appropriate way. How about Dad? It could make a difference if he could tell her that she is not allowed to talk to her mother that way. Having him stand up for you will help you feel a lot better, too. A second idea is to wait until she can ask a question without attitude and ask her how you can help. Third, when you and your daughter are not in a power struggle, how about if you talk with her about it, affirming your love for her, but explaining that you cannot help her when she does that. I hope these few things might help.
H.

Yelling is completely unnecessary unless she thinks
she does not have your complete attention. Position
yourself where there is nothing between you with full
eye contact and concern for her welfare. Of course,
if those that she admires also yell, it might be harder
to unteach.

Being resourseful is a highly underrated characteristic.
If she's cold, ask her what could be done about it.
She can help herself. If she hates her hair, what would
she rather have. She can make a decision about her hair,
and then sometimes you have to live with the decisions
we make. She sounds like she's old enough to start
reaping from her own decisions. Blaming others for their
problems is, at least, unattractive, and could last a lifetime.

The very best gift my husband ever gave me was telling my
3 boys, from the time they could understand rules,
that his #1 rule was TO RESPECT THEIR MOTHER. It was
really his only rule, so it did make an impact.

I really wish you a lot of luck. I never had a girl so
I learn from others what I missed out on. Patience and
calmness and being repetitive about your expectations
can go a long way. Keep it light enough so that one day,
believe it or not, you can/will laugh at this. Blessings!

I'd say you should not EVER allow your daughter to disrespect you for any reason. Yelling is disrespectful behavior in my book. I have an eight year old daughter who knows that she is not to ever raise her voice at me AND she knows there are certain tones that, if taken, will cause me to not listen to anything she says. For example, last night she started whining about something (can't remember what now) and I immediately stopped her and said: "Remember, I will not listen to you if you whine. If you're going to whine, go upstairs, otherwise pull it together and tell me what you need." She regrouped and was able to talk calmly about what she wanted. I think the key to making her understand is to SHOW HER. Even though my daughter still has to be reminded she knows that I will in fact send her upstairs if she yells or whines at me because I've done it before.

With regard to the clothes: not sure about your daughter, but mine likes to pick her own clothes. BUT if she starts playing games with the clothes (e.g. saying she has nothing to wear when she actually has more clothes than I do) she knows I will just starting picking them for her. I say "Ok, you have nothing to wear? Then I'll find something for you." It's amazing how quickly she can find something to wear then!

With regard to the hair: my hair is relaxed and my daughter's is still curly but she wants her to look like mine. My hair dresser has recommended waiting a few more years. My daughter isn't happy about that and continues to mention it or complain about it, but we just talk and I reassure her that in the next year or two she'll get hers done. Again, she knows not to YELL at me about it. You can say "if you want to yell about your hair, you'll have to go do that somewhere else, but if you'd like to talk about it, we can do that." If she still starts up, immediately send her to her room.

Sometimes these things take time to sink in. One of the things I'm working with my daughter on now is not talking back every time I ask her to do something. I ask her something and there's ALWAYS some response - it's taken some time and reminding but she's DEFINITELY getting better about just doing what I ask instead of coming up with something to say about it.

Like you said - stand your ground - and let her know what's expected and what the consequences will be for not meeting those expectations.

Hope this helps,
Jamey