8 Year Old Daughter Being Bossy and Constant Power Struggles

On top of what others have said about you enforcing the rules......ALSO, I think teaching her EMPATHY might help. It's helped a ton with my kids. :)

Choose your battles.

Going in without saying goodbye - ignore it, let it go. Be happy that she is focused on school and don't make her responsible for making YOU feel better. Yes, it would be nice if she said something loving before she left, but that's a bonus when she does it rather than something you should require.

"If you don't get me a treat, I won't eat anything else." Tell her she's not the mom, and she's not having a treat. Whether she eats later on is up to her. Get rid of the treats for a week, and she'll settle down.

I'm not sure I understand about the snack and the changing room and whether or not she was wet. Were you upset that she was making a mess and that she was not in an eating area? That's sensible - but why is she in charge of a big pack of snacks? You could have taken the snacks away and marched her over to the staff person, announcing that there your child accidentally made a mess, and can the staff provide her with a dust pan to clean the crumbs. But if you were upset somehow that someone shouldn't eat while wet, then I don't quite understand the issue.

She sounds immature - she was moved ahead in school because of her academic skills, I gather? She's out of her league, unfortunately, and she's having social problems. Perhaps her classmates are more mature, and so she bosses you around because she feels she gets bossed around or redirected all the time in a classroom? But you also say the teachers never see or comment on it, so maybe she's doing okay in the classroom and just loses it when she comes home?

I think you have to stop worrying about her having lifelong memories of a "mean mom who never let me have my way" and focus more on creating the behaviors that are essential to her development and happiness. This is a phase, and you have to help her through it. But you don't take orders from an 8 year old. Have you seen the tee shirt that says, "Because I'm the Mom. That's why"??? You need one.

You give her choices on some things, and if she handles them well, she can have more choices. So give her choices on what she wears to school, but not on whether she goes on time. Give her reasonable choices about food, but not all junk. But her CHOICE to yell and scream at you is not acceptable, and you need to remind her that she can choose to have more responsibility by acting more mature. Until that time, you are making the decisions. And you don't need to, and shouldn't, reward her by taking her for fun things to show you are a fun mom. Whether she has fun is HER CHOICE and you need to convince her that she will have a much better time if she stops arguing about all the things that are for older kids and grown-ups and perhaps mature/cooperative 8 year olds.

You have gotten some great advice. Some kids are a lot more work than others. My son (my first child) was similar to this and we had a lot of power struggles. He also would always want friends to come to his house where he could be in charge. He always had a very hard time when he did not get his way. Certain things I would let go because it was not worth the fight. Other things...such as wanting dessert or a snack right before a meal...I would say, no, I'm the mom and this is the way it is. And he would have a huge tantrum every single time. Kids having tantrums when they are 8, 9, and 10 are not pretty. He also had a hard time doing homework every night. It was not that it was hard (he also was in advanced classes), it was just that he didn't want to do it. And he does not like to give in. I have worked with him on learning empathy a LOT. I want you to know that he has slowly matured SO MUCH over 5th an 6th grade years and now in 7th grade (age 12) he is amazing. He is mature. He wants to get his homework done (so far, knock on wood). He is helpful and not argumentative. And he is reasonable about things...really, it's a joy after all the struggles. Hang in there mom! It'll get better. PS - My daughter does not have this personality and she has always seemed so easy to me.

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You have gotten some great advice. Some kids are a lot more work than others. My son (my first child) was similar to this and we had a lot of power struggles. He also would always want friends to come to his house where he could be in charge. He always had a very hard time when he did not get his way. Certain things I would let go because it was not worth the fight. Other things...such as wanting dessert or a snack right before a meal...I would say, no, I'm the mom and this is the way it is. And he would have a huge tantrum every single time. Kids having tantrums when they are 8, 9, and 10 are not pretty. He also had a hard time doing homework every night. It was not that it was hard (he also was in advanced classes), it was just that he didn't want to do it. And he does not like to give in. I have worked with him on learning empathy a LOT. I want you to know that he has slowly matured SO MUCH over 5th an 6th grade years and now in 7th grade (age 12) he is amazing. He is mature. He wants to get his homework done (so far, knock on wood). He is helpful and not argumentative. And he is reasonable about things...really, it's a joy after all the struggles. Hang in there mom! It'll get better. PS - My daughter does not have this personality and she has always seemed so easy to me.

Yeah. No. this would not work with me..you are a pushover and your daughter knows it, is getting away with it, and her personality is going to be one where she has no ability to share, respect , or show empathy instead of selfishness.

You need to stop. Now.. kids need discipline, routine, and structure.. otherwise they turn into selfish, self-absorbed brats who people cannot stand to be around.. it sounds like the kids at school are intuned to it already unfortunately..

First if she is unwilling to listen, you need to discipline..

She is 8, so it will require consistency, and not engaging in negative behaviors and demands..

My son is 13. We have a wonderful relationship.. one of his friends comes from a very well to do family. He is used to getting what he wants, getting his way, and starts crying if he doesn't.. he is the same age as my son. My son thanks me for not turning him into a selfish spoiled brat. I doubt very seriously that he would ever say that I never gave him his way.. I give him choices, but never complete control. Their is a difference..

I don't think a bossy kid is cute.
They turn into bossy teens and the cute has worn way off by then.

You eliminate the power struggles by not playing her games.
When she says "if you don't get me a treat I will not eat anything else" - you say "Okay!" and don't get her a treat.
She'll eat when she's hungry and she'll eat what's put in front of her.

Privileges/treats are constantly earned by good behavior, getting chores and homework done.
If she doesn't earn any treats - then she gets none.
Period.
WHEN she earns a treat - and this should be fairly rare because if you get it all the time it's not a treat - it should be a surprise - not expected nor demanded.
She needs a WHOLE lot of gratitude to replace the attitude she currently has.
It's going to be a work in progress but if you get this down now - she'll be a lot better off at 16 yrs old.
Stop seeing it as " all she will remember is a mom that never let her have her way".
Parenting is SO NOT a popularity contest.
Stop trying to be her friend - it gives her too much power and she's too young to handle that power.
She needs a parent that calls the shots and makes the hard calls.

"if you don't get me a treat, I won't eat anything else" I wouldn't give that any attention. Let her not eat.

"you never get me anything!" with yelling and tears. That's a bad mood, tired, insecure, anxious, frustrated, hungry, angry, any or all of the above, or something else completely She's not making a logical statement, because she's speaking in an emotional frame of mind. Of course it's not true that you never get her anything. She knows that when she's not feeling so emotional. Don't try to explain to her all the reasons she isn't right, just empathize with her emotions. Work with her on reasonable requests. And don't give in to over-the-top wants.

Telling you where and how to swim. You don't have to follow orders. Just ask her to rephrase. "Mom will you swim here with me, please?" instead commanding.

Snack eating in the changing room. Well, it's kind of gross, but I'd probably let it go. And I'd make a mental note to myself to eat lunch before next time and skip the snacks, leave the snacks in a cooler in the car, or plan to go out or buy snacks after everyone is dressed. If she asks why you don't have snacks in your pool bag in the locker room next time. I'd say well, it seems too tempting to dig in right here, but this is not the place for eating and food mess, so we'll do our snack differently.

Running off to school without stopping or saying goodbye? If this was a one time thing, I'd let it go. If it's more of her pattern I would talk to her about it after school. Why did you need her to stop? Did she hear you? Was she just so anxious to start her school day or afraid she would be late? What's at the top of her mind as she's walking in the school doors? A lot of kids don't respond to hellos or goodbyes, that's pretty normal. You have to remind her about manners, and that being ignored doesn't feel good.

get a backbone, be the mom, tell her how its going to be and enforce the rules you set. if shes saying i am not eating unless bla bla bla then she can go hungry. its a lesson my 4 yr old is learning. my 4 yr old is testing the waters, and trying to boss me around. i let her know that i am the mom and that when shes the mom she can be the boss. i give her choices when i can so she feels in controll but i do not let her tell me what to do.

Constantly giving instructions? You can either go along with her game or not, whatever. That is not a big deal.

Ignoring you is a problem. What is the immediate consequence you give her for ignoring you when she does this? If you consistently make rules that can be broken without consequences, then you need to change your parenting style. She's learned that your rules don't really mean anything because that is what your actions have taught her.

With the eating crackers example - either you should let her eat them OR if you tell her she can't and she does it anyway, then you have to enforce that rule one way or another. A friend gave me this advice early on, and it's worked for me: never make a rule that you are not willing to enforce. Never threaten a consequence that you are not willing to carry out. So before you speak, decide - is this a rule worth making or is this something to let go? Then follow through accordingly.

That all sounds like my home :) truly cute yet frustrating at the same time. But it's a rather good problem to have, don't you think? I have power struggles with my 8 year old, which look frustrating and sometimes I loose my cool. But these days i look at it this way - It's good that my 8 year old is trying to make decisions by himself, and while I don't agree with all of them, i need to respect his capacity to decide and follow through. Some things are really not worth fighting for. As long as the kid does not decide to physically hurt himself or others, you don't need to really stress yourself. Just enjoy this phase. To tell you frankly, I still cannot decide for myself most of the times. I would rather have a kid who is an excellent decision maker than one who will ask me for each and every decision he has to make as an adult. Trust me, it's not a fun place to be. So chill and enjoy your daughter. She is going to grow up into a smart and confident young lady soon!
Edited to add: As for her tactics to get you do what she wants to do like eating treats etc, you don't have to answer to everything she's saying. Smart kids get it when adults stop responding to them and stay cool instead. Try it once.

Read the following very helpful books:

Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay and
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

"B" is absolutely spot on. There is nothing cute about a bossy kid who tells other people what to do.

Children NEED and WANT limits and boundaries. When they don't get them, they push the envelope over and over to try to be "the boss". Children are not allowed to be the boss and you have to make that clear.

Children do, however, need to mature and grow. Her going into school without saying goodbye is part of her asserting some independence. You can keep the child locks on in the car so that she can't just open the car door when you pull up to the school. Tell her what she needs to hear, and then unlock the door. If you don't have to go into the building with her, don't. However, if you are in a parking lot, NO WAY should she run ahead of you. Running in a parking lot earns a big consequence.

It takes two to create a power struggle. If she is giving you a fit, it sounds like you are also struggling with keeping your own feelings in perspective.

I would suggest, first, renaming your task. Instead of engaging in 'power struggles', I'd encourage you to use this time to decide what is important. Not everything is important. Unless there is a safety reason, running up ahead of you and going into the building without saying goodbye... was it considerate or polite? No. Is it developmentally appropriate that she wants to do some things independently? Yes. What's the worst outcome of this? You feel a bit slighted and maybe, later, she realizes she never said goodbye to you-- and if she doesn't like that feeling, she'll remember next time.

Not eating food in the locker room-- that one IS important. So, then, you state the expectation. "I know you are hungry and when we get out to the car/the park/wherever you may have a snack. I expect you to keep the crackers in the container. If you choose to take them out, then you won't be able to bring a snack next time and we'll have to stay for you to clean the floor here. We will not be leaving a mess." When I make a boundary with my son, I explain why I want him to do/not do something and what the consequence will be if he does not follow directions. I also do this calmly. It's important, in power struggles, not to get emotional. I do not look at it as a power struggle, personally, but more that my son is testing me when he does things I ask him not to do or doesn't mind. He also knows that I WILL follow through on enforcing consequential action... we would not be leaving a place he'd made a mess of until he cleaned it up. And I'm not going to get upset and yell at him, but just say "I'll sit here while you do that... let me know if you need help." Dispassionate.

Controlling your own emotions during this time is important. What is YOUR reaction to her misbehavior? Even when her goal is to get a reaction from you, your goal is to meet her challenge with an even, steady response. And then, not roll back the consequence when she tries to wiggle out of it. Tears are okay, as long as you aren't just trying to prove you are 'in charge'.... the consequence shouldn't be based on your emotion. Power struggles imply that you both want to be in charge. Start by sharing some power with her-- what CAN she be in charge of that isn't a problem for you? Maybe it's picking out her clothes or packing a good lunch with a little guidance? Maybe it's letting her go into the school by herself. Maybe it's letting her decide if she wants to set the table or clear up afterward? Being given opportunities to choose can help. Praising positively for cooperation and good attitude. ("Thanks for setting the table. I'm enjoying having you in the kitchen with me this evening. Do you want to pick out a veg to go in the salad/on the table?)

It's age appropriate that she will challenge you. If she's being mean, disrespectful, etc, I would calmly send her to her room. Personally, I do allow a little bit of grumbling before I will ask my 9 year old to leave my space. And a simple "I think I'm ready for a break from this conversation; you are welcome to be in your room until you are ready to do what I asked/follow directions" makes my boundaries with him clear and simple. And then, again, it's up to me to follow through. I do it without blowing up or digging my heels in. Usually, this means that the real fun can't happen until the job is done. I treat this as a matter-of-fact 'that's life' sort of event, not a punishment. I hope this helps. Deescalate. Take deep breaths. Remember, it's what she's wired to do, to a degree-- challenge authority at ages 8,9 and the so-called 'tween' years-- so you need to get control of your own self and your emotions now, or she's going to know which buttons to press to drive you nuts. Decide what's truly important-- and not everything is-- and then stick with what you say.

Oh, I so hear you on the constant instructions. Your daughter sounds just like my son. I have to laugh because when I look back at videos of my son, he was doing this even before he was two, trying to tell us how to dance with him! It is just a personality trait. That said, we have to really tow the line with him and remain very firm. It is exhausting, but as he matures, I can see that it is paying off in terms of how he interacts with his peers as well as people in positions authority. The other thing that I have to do with him is review the "rules" before we go to certain places. For example, when going to other people's houses for a party, I have to spell out for him what the expectations are EVERY TIME, so we don't have power struggles when out in public. It is the power struggles that cause the problem more than the behaviors themselves, if that makes sense. So trying to cut them off in advance really helps. So for your daughter, you would have to lay out the rules about snacking before even going into the pool. Or before school, saying, "you must walk beside me and not run ahead" before you even get out of the car. It is hard to be able to know in advance all the different scenarios that might arise, but it is often a pattern of behavior that I can predict with my son.

I'm sure she is a really great kid. She is at the age where she is figuring out how to be in the world. At school, these 'skills' probably help her navigate the social world (at least that's her attempt), so she's just trying this on at home as well. If she's powering up with you, don't try to match her. If she asks for a treat, try to de-escalate things- "I know you'd love a treat, and you can have those Oreos after dinner (or after homework, whatever), wow, you really love your Oreos! If you could pick one junk food to eat for the rest of your life, what it be those?" Be firm but non-confrontational, and then try to detract from the pending fight. There is a way to be firm without becoming a power struggle. It takes some finesse. She needs your leadership but doesn't need to be ruled with an iron fist (not that you are doing this).

She may be a pretty independent girl, great personality trait for succeeding in the world, absolutely frustrating for you! I was like this when I was little, it was exhausting for my parents. But we all managed and we get along great now- though I still can't stand being told what to do. :-)

I think there are books about independent, strong-willed kids. But one other book I thought of for you is called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends, all about raising tween girls. There was info in there about communication skills with that age- to be a good listener without being a pushover or too rigid. Sounds like she's going to give you a run for your money! Good luck!